Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

I understand all of the above but I cannot click on a link now without someone going... oooh are they ND. Some of these behaviours aren't exclusively ND is just my point, not that people who are ND do not have these struggles.

I just get tired of the stereotypes perpetuated on here about us and it's often not flattering.

I get most offended when people suggest abusive behaviour is ND, it's like flavour of the minute to suggest all that is wrong with the world is us.

To my autistic kid I explained being clean is none negotiable as is deodorant. It's basic manners to have good hygiene.

I emphasised that it can be super hard from sensory perspective but sometimes we have to grit teeth and just do it.

I have super sensitive sense smell and I can't cope with smells like bo, bad breath etc. Makes me gag.

I would be blunt and tell her she needs to shower and wash her clothes.

🎯

I would accept no contradictions. None of this ‘it’s ok, Mum’ bollocks.

This - ignore all other advice.

I was being sarcastic.

It's cute that you have such faith in neurodiversity in girls being recognised and diagnosed.

OP says they suspect she is ND - which probably means that she is, but she doesn't have a diagnosis. Probably, like so many of us, she managed to mask so well that she didn't really get noticed as needing an assessment by anybody who could do anything about it.

Not quite how I'd put it but basically what I was thinking! How do you have share a bed let alone have sex with someone who hygiene issues? BO is bacteria releasing gas, just the thought 🤢

then wearing clothes on skin that is towel dry but not quite dry-dry,

Would using a hair dryer work?

Well its often an explanation for why someone is behaving in the way they are

Another thread recently I felt it was very possible the OPs boyfriend was autistic, his behaviour was abusive and so out of the norm, so extreme it wasnt just being an arse for the sake of it, no one behaves like that without some disorder or another, either ND, MH or PD.

Disagree. The word disabled has become so diluted it's now meaningless. Said as an autistic person btw.

She doesnt need a diagnosis and I dont have any expectation she would have been labelled as such at school. But needs are met on behavioural presentaiton, not a diagnosis. A loner smelly child will have raised all sorts of concerns and a range of interventions are likely. Of course its possible that she didnt have any focus on her at all, but not very likely, she was starting secondary school a mere 12 years ago.

I sincerely believe being abusive is a personality trait. That's just my stance.

Often ND people, because of our vulnerabilities, often end up on the receiving end of it. Of course, that doesn't mean ND people cannot be abusive but it's more likely to be due who they are.

I just often read things with despair thinking do people really, collectively think of us like that, you know?

Oh yes I know. It was Echoes' comment that I took issue with! 😆

I would just say you smell bad please shower everyday and wash your clothes more. No offence intended but you are making me uncomfortable in my own house.

Be direct but gentle, and focus on the clothes first; in my experience, when people smell badly it’s most often due to unwashed clothes. I agree that it sounds like what she needs is a bit of mothering, and I’d be inclined to treat her, at least temporarily, like a teenager who’s in your care. Scoop up her clothes and bung them in the wash with your own, but let her know you’re doing it. Does she have enough clothing to allow for washing everything regularly?

I wouldn’t jump in with “You need to shower every day” straight off - if she does have sensory issues or a history of trauma, this could be really distressing for her, and may feel literally impossible. Baby steps.

Are you on glue?

Oh I'm glad 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was like I don't think that haha!

Thank you ❤️

My dd hates washing. I got her some deodorant wipes which she will actually use, they were in Sainsburys. I also once saw on Instagram a company who make wipes for people who can’t easily access washing - I thought I’d taken a screenshot but can’t find it. Those might be options for your son’s gf.

Seriously- did you have to be so crude @babasaclover . i am quite sure we could all extrapolate without the graphic speculation.

Of course being abusive is a personality trait, just as having a cheerful disposition, being ‘a little ray of sunshine’ is.

Interesting question! It might for other people. Personally I think I'd find my sensory battery would be worn down really quickly with a hair dryer (noise plus heat and airflow, all things I can cope with, but all contribute to draining my executive dysfunction if in excess). Also, I have dry menopausal skin, so I actually need to moisturise and not let my skin get bone dry, which of course involves different sensory stuff to deal with!

For me personally, I shower when I have plenty of time, and after towel drying I lie on my bed in my dressing gown for a while to finish drying off naturally and for any lotion I've used to sink in for a bit, before getting dressed.

The whole thing is a contradictory experience because I want to be clean, and I enjoy a shower once I'm in it, its just that it uses up so much executive function 🙃

DS1 (15) does this too. he showers every morning but we have to allow time for him to lie down on his bed after putting his pyjamas back on before he can cope with dressing. He finds it incredibly challenging and we are sometimes leaving late for school because our timings are off. But that's how it has to be, for his to be comfortable.

YABU because you’re waiting for your son to address this. Speak to her yourself and tell her it’s daily shower from now on. Time to set in