Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

The OP and the gf probably don't have a lodger agreement in place - there are instances where the dwp could see this as a contrived tenancy - as she's the sons gf

I doubt she’s claiming anything and it sounds like she’s looking for work. Op says she suspects she is autistic/ADHD which could explain a lot.

I am ND as are my adult DC, I am super sensitive to smell so I need to bath/shower daily, I am super aware of other peoples BO and general smell to the point it makes me almost puke but my eldest DD is totally oblivious to it as are some of her ND friends, for my DD washing isn’t a priority and it’s hard for her to remember to do something she doesn’t see as important. So I have to constantly remind her. I have to take clothes from her room to wash as she would happily live in the same hoodie for a week or more 🤢. My dd has a job, I have to remind her to make sure she’s clean before she goes in, I have to remind her to brush her teeth and do her hair. Luckily she works in an all male work place (other than her) and they don’t seem to care if she’s a bit scruffy.

Hi i haven't read all the replies yet, but I'd potentially do something like the following (I'd find it really hard too..)

'Nelly, I've run you a lovely relaxing bath with some really nice bath salts & hair stuff I got for you. I thought you could do with a treat so I've put a cup of tea/glass of wine in there - take your time! By the way don't be shy, I want you to feel comfortable enough to have a bath or shower every day here, it would make me happy & feel like I'm a good host!'

(maybe a bit ott!)

She should get the obvious hint but it's done in such a nice way she can't feel too bad about it (hopefully)

Sounds like she's not looking for work tbh. The OP said this morning that they were both in bed at 10.20

She will be entitled to UC. I hope she claims it if she isn't already

I'm completely with the people who said encourage her to go swimming - you can shower at poolside before you go into the pool - better than lying around all day in a stinky bed

If mine-sweep the bedroom collect everything and wash it , what do the bedclothes smell like 🤮, you need to be brutal I think take her to one side and tell her , does she work? Or speak to her parents ( if you can ) I’m sorry but you can’t live like that

I know how you feel. My ex stepson was like this. I could smell when he’d been in a room and also dreaded giving him lifts, even more when I was pregnant. His girlfriend didn’t seem to mind. I ended up having to sit him down and have a really frank conversation with him. It was made worse because he was a chef. His bedroom was next to ours, separated by a door, it was a 50 year old house and I could smell him when I was in my bedroom, it hit so bad I had to move the bed further from the adjoining door.

im afraid you’ll need to have a chat with her and explain how unbearable it is becoming.

It will sound better coming from him in the first instance. Yanbu to insist he addresses it with her if she wants to continue living with you. Because it’s affecting your daily life and comfort in your own home, and it will be embarrassing for you with visitors.

Can I also put in a word for your DS? If he is also on the spectrum he might not know how to go about this kind of conversation with his girlfriend. How is he generally with her? Because if he can't talk to his girlfriend about such things, he might be a little too immature for a proper relationship and how would he cope if, for example, she got pregnant?

How desperate is your son? Goodness!!

Seriously I could not have her in my house stinking. I would speak to my son and say he talks to her or I do and if nothing changes she has to leave.

Maybe they ll notice that their newly washed clothes smell of Vodka!

Good luck OP. You seem extremely considerate, hope your communication is well received.

Even if you get the thread deleted you can still read the title and OP on FB.
I think quite a lot that some of the threads MN posts on FB are really unfair and outing for the OP.

It really puts me off starting any threads.

I don't even allow clean partners to stay over.😁 For which I have been called Victorian and prudish.
Soo happy I don't though, because it seems to often involve them moving in by stealth and more mum work for the long suffering mum. No thanks.

As someone else has mentioned, a daily shower - nice, though it is - is not essential when there are also facecloths and soap and hot water. As a child, the flat we lived in had a bath but no hot water (!) Showers were a luxurious novelty from the USA until the 60's/70's not just for us but most of the families we knew. Didn't mean we were dirty though! Some older ones may remember girls saying they couldn't come out on a Friday night because that was the night they washed their hair! The point I'm trying to make is that - like so much else - this daily showers / 'feminine' wipes etc stuff has been driven by companies hoping to make money out of girls and women.

I Googled 'personal care for adults' and there are a lot of results, including this printable one from Pennine Care NHS: https://www.suffolklocaloffer.org.uk/asset-library/personal-care-hygiene.pdf
Perhaps it (or another poster / booklet) could be put up in the bathroom - where it appears to be advising everyone in the household, not just the young lady?

Try this.

invite her to sit with you with a coffee or something when you have the house to yourself.
‘I need to talk to you about something. I feel worried that it might make you upset but it’ll be ok. The thing is I’ve noticed that sometimes your clothes are a bit smelly and I thought we could make a special time to do your washing? And if your clothes are clean and fresh it would make sense for you to smell nice too! So what do you think about showering every morning or even before bed?
do you like showering? If not would you prefer a quick bath? What do you think?’

then see if she is willing to talk. She may open up to you if she feels safe

Would they suddenly become beacons of hygiene and have a shower before they got in the pool, cos, i doubt it??

Your house your rules !! Tell her to wash as it’s not fair on everyone else in the house . I have had this with my stepson and it was a nightmare having to smell him as soon as you walked in the front door . Meal time I avoided as I couldn’t stand the smell . Selfish behaviour all around !! Even my mum who is palliative washes .

I was going to point this out as scabies are only transmitted to/from another affected person or their mattresses, duvets, sheets, towels, clothes (which have not been washed and affected person using) and are really difficult to get rid of without clean sheets and towels for every single use, once the affected person uses the appropriate lotion to deal with scabies. They and any members of the household should keep up the routine, which may last for a good few weeks until everyone affected is clear of them. I know as my elder sister and her boyfriend both 18, moved into a really grim bedsit, as a lot were, in the late 60s, early 70s. They caught scabies from either affected blankets that had been provided by the landlord without any washing or from the mattress itself. The previous tenants had just left the bedsit and in those days a lot of bad landlords merely hoovered in between rents. It was a daily nightmare in my parents house ensuring my parents, myself and younger sister aged about 7 bathed/washed/changed their own towels/clothes at each time. My parents were furious and banned my sister and bf visiting until they were totally clear a couple of months later.

There are signs at my local pool asking you to shower before you go in

Exactly. I don't shower every day unless I'm training at the gym and I haven't been able to do that for a while until recently after a leg break

I have really sensitive skin and I suffer from eczema and dermatitis and when it's at its worst being in a shower makes it flare really badly

I am usually fine with five showers a week.

Sorry but I just couldn’t put up with this,you really have to tell her straight.Its your home,your rules.

I actually think a lot of teens/young adults genuinely don’t notice, so your son is probably being sincere. My 16yo daughter is fragrant (daily showers and assorted lotions and potions lol) but we were in a queue at the supermarket and the man behind us absolutely reeked, to the point I was gagging. When I mentioned it back in the car, dd said she hadn’t really noticed as that was just what class at school smelt like most of the time 🤢 I think there might be quite a few kids kicking around who are just genuinely unaware that they smell.

OP I think you need to mention it, in the same way you have to tell a 10/11 year old that it’s time to start wearing deodorant (does she wear deodorant?? Start with the basics!) if you can afford to I’d maybe offer your son to buy her some new T-shirts/underwear and get him to frame it like a treat. When you put washing on call round them and ask for clothes to top up a load. It will affect so many areas of her life if you can get her smelling fresher!

I’m guessing you have no experience of people going through the care system, or children coming from neglected homes?

I consider my upbringing ordinary and quite working class from the 1980s, but even I know that that poor hygiene is a red flag in chaotic or problem families.

I also know that if my boiler breaks and we’ve no shower, we boil a kettle or a pan of water and strip wash, can it be so hard to not understand that some poor kids simply have not had that basic upbringing or education?

And the OP has been asking her son’s gf to wash herself since she moved in.