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Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
MookieCat · 30/12/2025 17:10

Lucyccfc68 · 30/12/2025 17:01

I used to do supported lodgings. Had a lot of young girls (ages 16 to 20) living with me over the years and I not washing clothes, showering or brushing teeth was really common. It came from the chaotic households they were brought up in. No routine, so no one in the house showered each day. Clothes were rarely washed as Mum and Dad didn’t bother and there was rarely any washing powder in the house. A lot of them lived in houses without soap or toothpaste.

This was one of the life skills I had to teach them and it was non negotiable. It was done with kindness, but I set an expectation that they had to shower every day and brush their teeth. Every week, we would do a dark and a light wash and it was done together. We both emptied our wash baskets and I taught them how to use the washer, how to hang their clothes up to dry and also how to iron. I made sure I complemented them when they smelt nice and also when their clothes looked good.

I only ever had one person I just couldn’t crack it with, but then she used to pee in a cup or glass and chuck used tampons under the bed.

yes all of this. i have had experience with neglected children and teens and it's not uncommon, They simply do not know how to wash and clean themselves, because it's never been taught. I know of young adults who don't even know what a pillow slip is, never mind a duvet cover, never mind how to wash them or when. Teens who have never had underwear, or know that they need to change their clothes and/or not sleep in them. I think it is pretty clear that this young woman's neglect and trauma is deep. Which is why I think gentle modelling is the key. Saying 'Your bedclothes can be washed on Mondays as ours will be done on Thursdays' or 'Can you shower at 7 am as so and so needs to shower at 7.15' is the way forward. No shaming. Plus an understanding that basic skills may not have been taught in a profoundly disturbed family. I recall that when the whole Philpott tragedy happened one of the details that broke me was that alot of the children were found sleeping in their school uniforms. Because they had no other clothes / did not have pyjamas / did not have parents who were in any way functional. I've since seen that when working with neglected families. Plus a 7 year old who turned up to foster care holding only a plastic bag containing only single pair of soiled underpants and the toy from a kinder bueno because those were his worldy possessions.

Not writing 'you have BO' on a fucking note in a lunchbox. FFS

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/12/2025 17:12

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 16:40

Even unemployed people have clothes :) - when I was at my poorest I shopped in charity shops apart from underwear. Possibly her parents have bought her clothes too

Show quote history

That made me think of how poor people in comics wear a barrel as clothing!

noctilucentcloud · 30/12/2025 17:12

@guineaguineaguineapig this popped up on my fb feed, so be aware that it's being shared wider now - I would hate for your sons girlfriend to recognise herself as the one being talked about (it'd be very obvious from your last post).

allthingsinmoderation · 30/12/2025 17:13

I dont think youare being unreasonable to want your son to address this issue with his gf in a caring way.
There are differing standards of personal hygeine but this seems to be quite extreme. The neurodiversity and past trauma may be playing a part hear.
Perhaps your son could gently tell her house rules are daily shower and clothes washed regularly?
Or if your son cant for whatever reason you may have to gently say you want here to feel at home and to use the shower everyday and wash her clothes regularly. She may think shes imposing etc.
Good luck,its delicate..

katyb84 · 30/12/2025 17:14

Could you maybe try a chore board , introduce it by saying as theirs so may in the house now you think a chore board may be useful , on it you could have certain days for her to use the washing and a certain time of day where the bathroom is all hers and know one will disturb her , as it’s written down she may find it a useful reminder and it may also help of she knows know one will enter the bathroom when she’s in it , if she has a set day to wash her clothes and she has to use that day it may encourage her to do her washing also . I have a very similar system set up for both my neurodivergent teen girl and 20 year old

Pherian · 30/12/2025 17:14

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

If I was in your situation- I’d tell my son he could have the conversation or I would. Showering at least every other day, presenting in clean clothing and not having body odour are mandatory. Or she would need to leave.

ThatFairy · 30/12/2025 17:16

MookieCat · 30/12/2025 17:10

yes all of this. i have had experience with neglected children and teens and it's not uncommon, They simply do not know how to wash and clean themselves, because it's never been taught. I know of young adults who don't even know what a pillow slip is, never mind a duvet cover, never mind how to wash them or when. Teens who have never had underwear, or know that they need to change their clothes and/or not sleep in them. I think it is pretty clear that this young woman's neglect and trauma is deep. Which is why I think gentle modelling is the key. Saying 'Your bedclothes can be washed on Mondays as ours will be done on Thursdays' or 'Can you shower at 7 am as so and so needs to shower at 7.15' is the way forward. No shaming. Plus an understanding that basic skills may not have been taught in a profoundly disturbed family. I recall that when the whole Philpott tragedy happened one of the details that broke me was that alot of the children were found sleeping in their school uniforms. Because they had no other clothes / did not have pyjamas / did not have parents who were in any way functional. I've since seen that when working with neglected families. Plus a 7 year old who turned up to foster care holding only a plastic bag containing only single pair of soiled underpants and the toy from a kinder bueno because those were his worldy possessions.

Not writing 'you have BO' on a fucking note in a lunchbox. FFS

Show quote history

I was brought up rarely having a bath, and not cleaning my teeth at all. No sheets on my bed, no pyjamas. Only a set or two of school clothes. I remember wanting to brush my teeth and there not being a toothbrush or toothpaste. It took me a while as an adult to get into a cleaner routine. But when you're a kid/ younger teen you just don't think about it. And it can take years of effort to create those second nature habits.I still hold it against my parents I can't really get over that level of constant neglect

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 17:17

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/12/2025 17:12

That made me think of how poor people in comics wear a barrel as clothing!

Show quote history

Well I had visions of people going to see their dwp work coach naked

JillMW · 30/12/2025 17:19

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:16

in answer to some questions - she is 23 and there is possibly some neurodiversity. My son is autistic and he thinks she is too. I know she is sensitive to certain body washes, but she can use a particular Sanex one. It is expensive so I bought her a load when I saw it on offer.

I think maybe she would get to enjoy the routine. Could you perhaps draw up a shower routine for everyone. You can say it is to make best use of the hot water. After the shower everyone puts their own towel and the clothes they have taken off into the wash ready to hang out to dry. Then they clean the bathroom.
Be fake strict with everyone, no negotiation, it is how shower time works, enables managing of the water, cleaning and laundry more manageable for you. She may do it to help you out.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 30/12/2025 17:21

This is great for getting sweat smells out of clothes. Some smells linger even after washing.

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash
Ljzjta · 30/12/2025 17:22

The only way you can address this is to sit her down, tell her she needs to shower daily and wash her clothes after every wash. Also, wear antidepressant otherwise she will just sweat and smell again.

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 17:24

Ljzjta · 30/12/2025 17:22

The only way you can address this is to sit her down, tell her she needs to shower daily and wash her clothes after every wash. Also, wear antidepressant otherwise she will just sweat and smell again.

Some people don't shower daily. I used to shower 6 days out of 7 when I used to go to the gym and not on the day I didn't go. People aren't going to stink when they have one day off showering - it's weeks and months that make people smell

LSADM · 30/12/2025 17:24

I would take her alone to the side and gently break the situation to her. My 17 year old is autistic and literally has to be told every time to wash his pits and bits 🙈 and put clean clothes on.

Maybe suggest a rota for showering/bathing a time when you’re out. Just because she’s had showers in your house doesn’t mean she’s comfortable with it. Maybe she holds out until she’s itchy and uncomfortable. Give them a day to wash clothes too.

Maybe get her a deodorant stick, antibacterial shower gel and wash her clothes in detol laundry liquid to break down the bacteria which causes smells.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/12/2025 17:27

ThatFairy · 30/12/2025 17:16

I was brought up rarely having a bath, and not cleaning my teeth at all. No sheets on my bed, no pyjamas. Only a set or two of school clothes. I remember wanting to brush my teeth and there not being a toothbrush or toothpaste. It took me a while as an adult to get into a cleaner routine. But when you're a kid/ younger teen you just don't think about it. And it can take years of effort to create those second nature habits.I still hold it against my parents I can't really get over that level of constant neglect

Show quote history

I used to work with a woman who had the same upbringing that you’ve described.

Rightly so, she was resentful and bitter about how her parents had neglected her and her brother.
When she would talk about them, her anger was palpable.

She told me that money wasn’t tight for them, her parents had all they needed.
But, basically treated their children like they just happened to be living in the same house, and gave them the minimum of everything.

One thing she told me has lived with me ever since.
She said her brother only had one school shirt, which his peers realised, and they very cruelly drew on his shirt with permanent marker.
Sarah* found him in the kitchen later that evening, unsuccessfully trying to scrub out the pen.
I can still remember the look on her face when she told me that. It was felt just as keenly as the day it happened.

*Not her real name

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 17:28

I also personally think it's fine to wear trousers and jeans more than once before you wash them again. I don't think people need to be demanding that this girl showers every day - as someone said above three or four days would be a start - because she's not washing at all just now

Tigercrane · 30/12/2025 17:29

Ljzjta · 30/12/2025 17:22

The only way you can address this is to sit her down, tell her she needs to shower daily and wash her clothes after every wash. Also, wear antidepressant otherwise she will just sweat and smell again.

Antidepressant sounds like a good scent to wear, it might sell well!

Serendipetty · 30/12/2025 17:30

Tigercrane · 30/12/2025 17:29

Antidepressant sounds like a good scent to wear, it might sell well!

Show quote history

Now I am wondering what that would smell like!

Ljzjta · 30/12/2025 17:31

Ljzjta · 30/12/2025 17:22

The only way you can address this is to sit her down, tell her she needs to shower daily and wash her clothes after every wash. Also, wear antidepressant otherwise she will just sweat and smell again.

Antiperspirant!

GAJLY · 30/12/2025 17:32

Great update! Perhaps you just need to run her a lovely bubble bath a few times a week. Glad it all worked out.

YourDearCat · 30/12/2025 17:33

Does she clean her teeth ? If your son doesn't say anything, tell him you will. Maybe they like it that way ? Good luck

YourDearCat · 30/12/2025 17:33

Does she clean her teeth ? If your son doesn't say anything, tell him you will. Maybe they like it that way ? Good luck

LeafyMcLeafFace · 30/12/2025 17:33

guineaguineaguineapig · 30/12/2025 13:06

Update. She's just come out of the bath! I ran one for her and squirted in some of the Sanex wash that she uses. I provided her with two clean towels and bathrobe (borrowed from son - clean) and gave her a brand new sponge (still in wrapping) and explained it was for her use. I asked her to put her onesey in the wash basket and asked her if she had any clean PJs. Luckily she did, so I put them on her bed (they have bunk beds and she is on the bottom) I haven't had the conversation with her yet, but ran the bath under the guise of 'baths help when you are congested'. I made her a Lemsip earlier with a decongestant, so which should help reinforce that. When she was in the bath, I asked my son to give me all clothes that have been worn in the last few weeks. He was very compliant and filled a whole basket. I took the clothes and have put them in the washing machine on 60 degrees. Luckily everything is black and made of cotton. The smell of the clothes as I put them in the washing machine was awful! Weird thing is though - NO KNICKERS. Just a bra and a few pairs of socks in terms of underwear. I don't feel I can hunt around the room to find any, besides, she's back in there now...

Oh bless her, she’s really struggling and very lucky to have someone like you who cares and wants to help.

Original poster
guineaguineaguineapig · 30/12/2025 17:35

noctilucentcloud · 30/12/2025 17:12

@guineaguineaguineapig this popped up on my fb feed, so be aware that it's being shared wider now - I would hate for your sons girlfriend to recognise herself as the one being talked about (it'd be very obvious from your last post).

This is concerning. How does this happen? I didn’t know this was a thing!? Did someone post it?Was it an advert for the Mumsnet site? Thanks for drawing my attention to it…

OP posts:
Tigercrane · 30/12/2025 17:36

Can you offer to buy her some knickers.It sounds like you are very kind, I hope the talk goes well.

TeaRoseTallulah · 30/12/2025 17:36

guineaguineaguineapig · 30/12/2025 17:35

This is concerning. How does this happen? I didn’t know this was a thing!? Did someone post it?Was it an advert for the Mumsnet site? Thanks for drawing my attention to it…

Show quote history

MN shares certain thread on SM as a form of advertising. One of the reasons I never post anything personal. You could ask them to delete the thread .