Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

No you weren't asking me - but on threads like this people are allowed to comment on other peoples posts. She can only apply for carers benefits
if the gf needs care - and carers benefits aren't much either.

Potentially the gf is on UC or equivalent benefits - hopefully if she's not working - have a lovely day

I think that there are far more pressing issues about why a 23 year old is not either with her parents or living independently. But to be sharing with her boyfriend at his parents.

They are young.
They may split up.
She's not working.

All of these are as, or more, important than not washing.
Although not washing is not going to help her get work or into training if she presents herself like this.

I've seen many posts like this on MN over the years where a family 'takes in' a current boy or girlfriend. Having got grown up children myself who are fully independent (married , settled etc) it worries me.

In the short term is may seem like a good idea.
But the risks are significant. If they split up, the girl (here) may be worse off than before because she is not learning to be independent.

It's facilitating a situation that may have a worse outcome than other options.

Is there any way they can rent and be independent @guineaguineaguineapig ?
Would it be wise to put a deadline on how long she can stay, and meanwhile you help her with her appearance for job interviews etc?

Its good that she has bathed, hopefully washed herself too, but I do think that you need to have a conversation regarding hygiene, ask her questions - open ended questions so that she cant just say yes or no and if you want to then take her out and buy her some knickers to wear. I like Sainsbury's cotton ones, they come in all styles so hopefully she will find one she likes and can tolerate (if ND).

White vinegar helps to strip clothes - and the washer without bleaching.

when I worked with kids in care, we’d always tumble dry everything partly for hygiene, but also to ensure everything was soft.

if you’re putting together a wash hamper, include some adult wet wipes or wash gloves - they’re wonderful if the sensation of water / shower is overwhelming. They’re often used for bed baths in care homes.

Buy her the following:
Dettol laundry cleanser or supermarket own brand
Scented tumble dryer sheets
Dettol body soap
Clarifying shampoo
Underwear
San pro

It sounds like she has additional needs so a local disability charity like Mencap or Scope can help with signposting, employment help & a caseworker.

What I'm going to say is going to solve your problem.
FIRST : YOU are suddenly, without warning ing, going g to become obsessive about HOUSEWORK ( For appearances sake) To solve half the problem, YOU are going to start HOOVERING, DUSTING...going in EVERY ROOM. Everyone will notice how OBSESSIVE you are. .......You are even going to keep the washing machine going with EVERYONE'S CLOTHES....I mean EVERYONES !!!!!!!!!!
NEXT STEP: This is going to sound harsh. Make up a Lunch Box fir her to take to work. Inside put a paper napkin with words written on B.O.....F that fails HE is going to have to tell her that she has B. O.

Or, @Voneska, there’s no need for the silly attempt at subterfuge; and the OP can just tell the girl what’s what, and the girl does as she’s told.
What with her being a guest, etc - she needs to sort her fucking self out.

Have you read the thread - the gf isn't in work. Do you really think writing the letters B and O on a napkin is going to solve this?

The son knows his gf smells -he's not concerned

There's more to all of this - there has to be. Clearly the relationship with her parents has broken down in some way - possibly suddenly. I actually don't think it should be the OP who should be dealing with all of this. The bf should be helping address it, he's the one in the relationship with her. He's the one who has been sleeping with her when her hygiene is terrible - he's enabling this

Is going round the sales for new underwear with her an option? As in 'I want some knickers, let's have a look in M&S' sort of thing?

OP, well done, you're very kind. While I didn't need help with washing when I was a late teen,I did need help with a lot of other things due to not being able to live at home and I look back with real gratitude to my best friend's parents who were so kind.

Unless that’s organised by a medical assessment, she’d be showing that she has the cognitive ability to suss out certain personal risks and botherations she needs to eliminate.
All this walking on eggshells deemed essential here point to a consensus that the young woman is NOT on that level of operating.
At least, so I’m reading the case.
It’s really too awful. OP is being kindness personified, but she isn’t the sole family member sharing the house with the son and his problematic (for whatever reason) girlfriend. Something’s got to give.

Good point. Not a great set-up for DS or the gf in terms of their adult development. Certainly a PITA for OP, to suddenly find herself in the role of relationship counsellor, and unpaid foster carer for a young woman with behavioural and possible MH issues.

Call me mean-spirited, but I would not be counting myself 'lucky' to have the chance to wash a virtual stranger's stinking load of laundry, run them a bath & clean up afterwards, have difficult conversations and endure a grim atmosphere in my own home... all because DS has found someone who'll have sex with him.

The economic situation of working adults not being able to afford to live independently - and of increasing numbers being unable or choosing not to work - is blurring all the boundaries. And to no-one's surprise it's mothers bearing the brunt. Who would've predicted that could mean literally dealing with the great unwashed! A socio-economic metaphor for our times.

Full marks for the suggestion that this will be solved by OP pretending to go into a frenzy of cleaning and washing, and writing 'B' and 'O' on napkins when she makes the gf's lunch (of course she makes the gf's lunch!)
The only flaw I can see is that Gen Z won't have a clue that this refers to an advertising campaign for deodorant that had people whispering 'B..O' in each other's ears.
Or that B.O. stands for 'body odour'.
Or that 'body odour' means you smell bad. And that you're meant to feel embarrassed by it.
Apart from that, genius!

Are you ok?

I don't think there's really anything I can say that hasn't already been said.
Suggesting the bath was a good idea. I do think u are going to have to have a sit down conversation with her yourself, your son may feel embarrassed to speak to his girlfriend about the issue and she may get embarrassed also, u can imagine how you'd feel if u are young and your partner tells u u stink.
I think doing it in the mum role is much nicer.
Maybe ask her if she wants to sit with u for a coffee and a chat. Say you've noticed she's not using the shower and washing machine much and ask If she feels at home enough to use these facilities. If she says yes just maybe say in a light tone that you'd like to encourage her to use the shower more and you've bought her shower gel, shampoo etc. Hopefully she'll take the hint.
If that doesn't work you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her u can smell her body and her clothes. It's the only way if you've already tried the "encourage" approach.

Well done!

Hmm - ask your son. Just say I noticed there wasn’t much in the basket / can you check round the room.

If she has no job how is she paying for clothes etc?

This
You owe it to this young lady.
If I had a body odour problem for whatever reason, I truly hope someone would be brave enough to tell me.
I appreciate the sensitivity of the situation but needs to be done

Even unemployed people have clothes :) - when I was at my poorest I shopped in charity shops apart from underwear. Possibly her parents have bought her clothes too

Exactly this I sometimes go without showers for awhile because I was SA in the bathroom when I was a young child and I can't be in a bathroom for too long or else it all comes back 🙁

I used to do supported lodgings. Had a lot of young girls (ages 16 to 20) living with me over the years and I not washing clothes, showering or brushing teeth was really common. It came from the chaotic households they were brought up in. No routine, so no one in the house showered each day. Clothes were rarely washed as Mum and Dad didn’t bother and there was rarely any washing powder in the house. A lot of them lived in houses without soap or toothpaste.

This was one of the life skills I had to teach them and it was non negotiable. It was done with kindness, but I set an expectation that they had to shower every day and brush their teeth. Every week, we would do a dark and a light wash and it was done together. We both emptied our wash baskets and I taught them how to use the washer, how to hang their clothes up to dry and also how to iron. I made sure I complemented them when they smelt nice and also when their clothes looked good.

I only ever had one person I just couldn’t crack it with, but then she used to pee in a cup or glass and chuck used tampons under the bed.

I have experienced this twice ,in a work context.Once with an older woman who ate a lot of curry and once with a younger colleague who also came from quite a difficult upbringing, and smelt of fried food, or a bit sweaty.
Difficut but if it bothers everyone else, and it's your home,you need to have another word with your son.He needs to tell his girlfriend she needs to bathe more.Explain to him how upleasant it is for you.
You should have some stipulations to them staying in your home, that she bathes more often, and washes her clothes, more.If it's making things unpleasant for you things need to change.
By the way when it was raised with my work colleagues neither of them took the advise well.
(Two seperate incidents, and work places.)

When I was a young woman I would shower or bath about once or twice a week. I was really thin and always cold so I didn't sweat. Now I have to wash every day or I feel sticky and horrible. I think if you smell bad you must feel horrible. I think it's wrong to force people to smell your body odour. Although I suppose if you knew it might make a difference. I'm having this issue with my relative at the moment and I don't know what I can do as I don't feel like I can just tell someone they smell they would be really embarrassed

This young woman isn’t a buffoon and already knows she isn’t washing herself, or her clothes - ergo she smells.

My husband has had to have that conversation with 2 different employees.
He’s very matter of fact about it, and told it like it is. Man to man, I suppose.

I wanted to die of second hand embarrassment, when he told me about it.
But, he wasn’t bothered at all.

One fella told him that ‘I have a shower every day’, and my husband explained that’s only half the job, as you have to wear clean clothes everyday too.

He didn’t have to speak to either employee about the issue again.

My husband has had to have that conversation with 2 different employees.
He’s very matter of fact about it, and told it like it is. Man to man, I suppose.

I wanted to die of second hand embarrassment, when he told me about it.
But, he wasn’t bothered at all.

One fella told him that ‘I have a shower every day’, and my husband explained that’s only half the job, as you have to wear clean clothes everyday too.

He didn’t have to speak to either employee about the issue again.