Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

If she's not wearing knickers and only has one bra that certainly won't be helping.
She sounds as though she needs a Mum to instill some routines.
THow do you feel about taking her shopping for some underwear and toiletries that she can tolerate from a sensory point of view?
You are doing such an amazing and potentially life changing thing for her.

Well done. Think I would be on the vodka too at this point.

She either doesn't wear underwear or doesn't want you washing her knickers and so might not be putting them into the wash basket. If she doesn't wear knickers she needs to wash clothes more often. I personally don't wear them under pyjamas so have to wash pyjamas more often than jeans etc..
You sound lovely and caring op but this might be a temporary fix. A further conversation might be needed.

Once she’s that smelly she will need to really scrub to remove the smell from areas like arm pits. Dd went through a teen phase of being a bit smelly despite showering and wearing deodorant. I found soap was the only answer which obviously is difficult in your case and that smells clung to tight clothing under arm even when worn once and washed. I had to scrub those areas with detergent before washing and add laundry disinfectant to the wash. I’m not sure one bath and a clothes wash will help loads but it’s a start. Good luck op. Remember the bed clothes and mattress 😬

This is the way. We had a lad in our student house like this. We all decided to actively role model. So we would say ‘right, we are all going out tonight and need to get showered and ready. Who wants to use the bathroom first?’ Then we would agree the order of who would use the shower and he would just go along with it. You need to be sensitive. His background was boys boarding school and he had no idea he ponged.

The no pants might explain why the smell is so bad especially if she is not washing her clothes. I mentioned family members who struggle with hygiene earlier in the thread and one of them had hardly any underwear or pyjamas. Maybe they are not in the routine of changing underwear every day.

The kindest thing is to be very short and sweet.

"X I'm bit sure you're aware but I'm afraid your hygiene needs attention as you are really starting to smell. Please feel free to use any of my shower products every day and if you're not sure how to use the washing machine I'm happy to show you .. I know everyone is different to operate"
I know you would rather me tell you thank have others talking behind your back.

What do you fancy for tea? "

Be prepared for someone being hugely upset at being told they smell and then saying - what do you fancy for tea. Particularly as the OPs son has basically enabled the entire situation by not being bothered at whether his gf smells or not

It's a sensitive subject - and there could be many reasons why the gf isn't washing properly

I second the peopel saying depression or mental health issues. I had a very bad childhood but was alwasy very very clean with clean clothes. I was absolutely well groomed all my life and very highly functioning. never ever even thought about having a shower or a bath and would have one once or twice a day. at 44 I had a psychotic breakdwon and went into a depression so bad I didnt get out of bed and wash for weeks. its is so so sad and I dont ecven understand hwy I did it

You’re going to need to buy her some new knickers, that’s really not okay. What is she doing when she’s on her period?

I would have addressed that after three days not waited a month.

Annie dear, you need to start taking care of your body and clothing as your lack of hygiene has created such strong odours it’s unpleasant for everyone around you.

I have bought you some toiletries so you can shower every day and a laundry basket to put your worn clothes in each day.

She could be using contraception which has stopped her periods.

Dettol laundry cleanser is great for smelly clothes.

Because you weren't well - it happens. I used to work with young homeless people and some of them were very clean - others weren't. A lot of them were suffering from depression and other issues.

If you find the clothes still hold onto a pong, this stuff is really good. https://www.worldfoodshop.com/products/arm-hammer-super-washing-soda-1-55kg-5?variant=41666811035838&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21162630890&gbraid=0AAAAAolcE7UyPwXHZwzvrggcPwjpr7zyu&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIw9D07r3lkQMVZ5NQBh3OgghkEAQYAiABEgJ2CfD_BwE

Good that she's been in a bath, but do you think she knows how to actually wash herself, @guineaguineaguineapig ?

Don’t go down the road of guises. It isn’t intrinsically within her at the moment, it won’t work. Just speak to her, kindly but honestly and firmly.

It isn’t more complex. She needs to be told to get in the bath. She’s not working, she’s not contributing anything. It’s not complex.

Tell her to get in the shower and use the body wash and a strong shampoo.

Its disgusting.

It might be disgusting but there are people who struggle with their hygiene due to mental health or due to trauma from past sexual abuse - or multiple other reasons. Just telling someone they are smelly and to get in a bath could cause a lot more issues -the OP is trying to be sensitive about this

Now you are hunting around for her knickers? Life is too short.
If she is capable of having sex, she is capable of wearing knickers.
Where do yours and your family's needs come into this?

This. She is sharing space with others, and this is an issue of her impact on others (but then bad body odour makes me gag - I can't bear it).

OP who is funding thus young woman's life re her family helping or is she paying you any kind of rent?

That's not any of our business tbh There's obviously reasons the gf isn't living with her parents and it's up to the OP to elaborate if she wants to

I was going to advise her to apply for carer type benefits. It's very expensive supporting an additional person. I wasn't asking you anyway so no need to answer. I was asking OP.

I'm sorry, but is it more cruel to tell someone kindly, in private, that they need to improve their hygiene, or wait for someone with less tact to do so?

She's a grown adult, she's not in a psych ward, she's in someone's home and she's stinking the place out.

For the person that mentioned Driclor - this is a terrible suggestion. She's not washing her body or her clothing; she's going to smell regardless if she uses something that stops her armpits from sweating. That will give a false sense of security.

I think the only thing to do is for your son to talk quite frankly with her - maybe coach him a bit about it, as someone mentioned come from a place of curiosity and support rather than "you smell, wash more". But it's either address it or you'll get to a point where you snap and say something mean, or you have to kick her out.