Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

Was just wondering this. Does she go out to work each day? It's strange that the shower/clean clothes routine hasn't happened for her/

Maybe bring it up from the position of making rotas now she's settled and you all enter a new normal. So, as a poster said above, there's a rota for the washing machine. It might not need to be when they each put a washing but when each makes sure all their clothes from the week are now in the wash, so everyone brings all their used clothes down at least once or twice a week. Then another one for the shower, when you plan more or less who goes first. You probably have this already set with the rest of you, but you can bring it up as a way to make sure she knows when her daily turn is and when it's ok to be in the shower without worrying people are waiting to use it, for example. Ask her what her favourite shampoo and shower gel are. I'd start with that before raising the issue of body odour, so just talking about routines and daily habits in a household with 5 people, who will need to organise themselves a bit more.

After a few weeks, if things don't change, I'd bring up the need to make a good impression at interviews, and that it will include clean clothes and fresh smells that show attention to detail and care. If she doesn't look after herself and present herself neatly for an interview, how would anyone believe she would look after their business or their stuff? At best, she would be giving the impression of being careless, rushing things, or leaving things unfinished. At worst, most people would not want to work around someone whose BO is so intense that it's distracting and a real problem.

This is perfect advice. Stop asking ‘if’ she would like to use the washing machine - instead be kindly directive without telling her she’s a problem. Set up a rota for washing machine and shower. Perhaps you could say that it’s helpful for everyone to have a clear rota for hot water or something like that. I would also give her an area of the bathroom for her shower gel/shampoo/towel etc. You could also ask your son to remind her to use her washing machine/shower slots (as well as using his own so he models it to her).

She doesn't work

I sympathise OP, this is a conversation I’ve had with colleagues more than once as the (male) managers don’t care.

You absolutely need to be as kind and supportive in this discussion with her but you are also allowed to set it as a basic expectancy of living in your home. Keeping your own body clean isn’t just for yourself, it is for those around you. Staying in dirty and soiled (sweat, body fluids from days of wear) clothing and then sitting in shared spaces isn’t fair for anyone else using the furniture.

These expectations need to be part of the condition of sharing these spaces. Clean body - set a realistic expectation starting with a shower every 3 days. 3 days is non negotiable. Clean underwear daily, clean tshirt daily. Set it out as rules. It doesn’t have to be overly emotional or come with blame or finger pointing. Keep it simple and very clear.

I think you should apeak to her directly. Its your house you don't want to live in a smelly house

No1 is making you let her live there, put up or shut up and refuse to give her lifts if she refuses to wash and I hope she is doing her fair share of laundry etc cos I wouldn't be doing it though by sounds of her she probably barely changes her clothes

Somebody suggested raising it in relation to sharing household chores above - this is a good idea - ie if you want to live here everyone has to share chores including washing your own clothes on X day, cleaning the bath after your shower, and any other chore that seems appropriate eg hoover the stairs on X day. They are adults and should be contributing to the household anyway - it’s life training. This seems a better approach than telling her she smells and is a problem, no matter how kindly you say it. Just be directive and practical and get your son doing it too.

Don't bring mental illness into it, some ppl are just lazy, on my days off I might not wash for a couple of day but other than that I usually have a bath everyday

I had this situation with a colleague. In the end I told him very nicely and he thanked me as he wasn’t aware

Some people do have depression and it will affect their hygiene - yes some people are just lazy but not all. The OP said that the girl has a poor relationship with her own family - she's potentially ND as well. There could be a lot of reasons why she's not washing

Your son saying he's not bothered really isn't fair. This shouldn't be placed on you - he presumably knew before she moved in that hygiene was an issue for her.

I personally think the poster who said start with an expectation of three showers a week and build from there is reasonable but I do think you are going to have to say to your son that if this doesn't improve - she's going to have to look for other accommodation

It's affecting other family members - it's unfair.

Just have to tackle this misinformation:
People do not get scabies as a result of not washing or having dirty sheets!

You can only get scabies from other people with scabies. They're a small mite, that burrows under your skin, and it's their excrement that causes itching. You can only catch them through close (skin to skin) personal contact, so unless she's holding a lot of people's hands or touching them, this is unlikely.
Head lice are more likely to jump from one person to another, without the contact being quite as close, but there is plenty of evidence that they actually prefer cleaner hair....

Ime even when a person is told they need to improve their personal hygiene, they do not change.

I shared a house with someone who washed so infrequently the ear wax coming out of her ears was hard and black. Her boyfriend was smelly too. The other person was a teacher and the pupils used to open all the windows and say, What’s that smell? (Knowing it was her.) I witnessed that myself and the next day I thought, well at least she will be clean today after the pupils’ reaction. She turned up unclean and in the same clothes and the smell was unbearable. She looked presentable and had a partner but didn’t wash or use deodorant.

I also think the reasons for not washing or being in a good routine are complicated. I have two family members who don’t like showering, brushing their hair or brushing their teeth due to hypersensitivity. They don’t like anyone else being smelly however.

Good luck op, I think this girl is very lucky to have someone like you who wants to help her.

Can't you mention it to her yourself? She may appreciate the heads-up!

Update. She's just come out of the bath! I ran one for her and squirted in some of the Sanex wash that she uses. I provided her with two clean towels and bathrobe (borrowed from son - clean) and gave her a brand new sponge (still in wrapping) and explained it was for her use. I asked her to put her onesey in the wash basket and asked her if she had any clean PJs. Luckily she did, so I put them on her bed (they have bunk beds and she is on the bottom) I haven't had the conversation with her yet, but ran the bath under the guise of 'baths help when you are congested'. I made her a Lemsip earlier with a decongestant, so which should help reinforce that. When she was in the bath, I asked my son to give me all clothes that have been worn in the last few weeks. He was very compliant and filled a whole basket. I took the clothes and have put them in the washing machine on 60 degrees. Luckily everything is black and made of cotton. The smell of the clothes as I put them in the washing machine was awful! Weird thing is though - NO KNICKERS. Just a bra and a few pairs of socks in terms of underwear. I don't feel I can hunt around the room to find any, besides, she's back in there now...

What about - make her up a hamper of personal hygiene products.
Maybe something gentle and natural, less smelly girly type things.
Washers, shampoos, natural deodorants
New towels just for her own use.
She might prefer a bath instead of shower.
Good luck with the talk.

@guineaguineaguineapig to address the ingrained smell in her clothes buy the cheapest bottle of supermarket vodka (1.5 ltr) poor it into a couple of buckets and soak clothing for 60 minutes, wash those items on a longish 40 degree wash afterwards with dettol in the softener drawer. While those items are washing soak the next load in the same vodka buckets and repeat.

This method does work, I’ve used it on DH gym/running gear when the smell gets ingrained and the BO smell when he warms up is always gone.

This is a very good start at least and as someone else said a hamper of items is a great idea xx

Maybe she doesn't wear any underwear underwear her clothes?
Well done for helping, I'd have done the same. Did she seem comfortable/receptive to it?

I love the way our culture means we have to do a complex tango when we have any feedback to give.

Have you developed your own relationship with this young woman? Have you got to know her background, made an attempt to have 121 conversation over coffee, etc.? That's the first step.

Perhaps she's never had anyone to empathise, discuss, show and tell. She doesn't know what she doesn't know.

Can you be that someone?

It's not enough to use passive assertion (you're not the aggressive type) and she won't get hints that are, frankly, disrespectful.

Here's a chance to make a difference for her holistic health, nurture and care. There's more to this than just an odour....

Vodka! I like that idea. I’ll probably be drinking any leftover at this rate.

Maybe she is embarrassed about you washing undies and hid them? Not sure though because your son took the clothes without asking her presumably? This is good news though and hope she can be encouraged gently to wash more. A tough situation for all involved.