Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

No you can't,good grief !

Over-washing in a daily bath or shower is actually bad for skin and scalp and completely unnecessary for many unless in certain situations (eg; after exercise, sex, in a heatwave or being in a germy/dirty environement for work) and not to mention it's a real waste of water!

Bloody hell.

Believe me, I’ve wondered this myself, but it isn’t a conversation I’m comfortable having with 22 yr old son. The weird thing is, he is fastidiously clean! Another poster mentioned something about him being blinded by love - maybe. He’s certainly very fond of her… It could be some kind of nose blindness. I’m eager to tackle it today by having a conversation with her and I’m going to give DS a heads-up about it before I do - just waiting for them to get up….

The 'good bit' of a pork pie being the pink meat inside-surrounded by jelly/goo and pie crust.

The 'good bit' of a vagina being the.... surrounded by (if someone hasn't washed) goo/crust.

You're very welcome.

In my defence, I did put what I feel could be a helpful contribution, alongside my 'sex joke'.

Gosh, they're living the dream, how do they fill their day?

Alot of people who come from troubled homes struggle with hygiene, particularly if there is also neurodivergance. It seems like taking care of yourself should be obvious but it isn't for a lot of people. Seemingly contradictory, she may feel alot of a shame about this so conversation needs to be very tactful. But a conversation is needed. I would put on your loving and empathetic mum hat on and speak to her about it. I don't know this girl but she might need a lot of hand holding and meeting her where she is developmentally and not her chronological age. You might need to teach/explain how she needs to wash and advise her to make it part of her routine, e.g. wake up, brush teeth + shower etc.

😂😂sorry!

They probably are. What 23 year olds sharing a bed don't?

Some people just don't care or think It's normal.

I've had my fair share of partners with questionable hygiene in the past.

I recall one time where a boyfriend of mine smelled of pee and I asked him to shower as he was wanting sex. He did indeed go into the bathroom and I heard the shower. He returned to the bedroom with wet hair, wrapped in a towel, but still stank. He was just now damp and smelly rather than dry and smelly.
Some folk are just unbelievable.

I feel for you OP this is not a nice situatuon to be in, I think firm but sensitive might be the best approach maybe even speak about how medically important hygiene is especially during menstration and how keeping ourselves clean is a basic skill we have to learn and you're happy to prompt and help out anyway you can. Short of hoseing her down or dunking her in the bath fully clothed and all I can't really think of much else!

I wouldn't give ds the heads up you're going to talk to her in case he gets defensive and doesn't want you to. Talk after if necessary.

She certainly won’t get a job walking around stinking.

Yuck

Some people live in poverty - I'm not talking about the OP obviously - potentially a daily shower is too costly for some people. It's one of the most costly appliances to run in the home.

I actually had a really severe skin condition caused by stress a few years ago and I couldn't tolerate showering every day. Even just water on my skin was making it flare.
I probably showered 5 times a week at that point

I actually didn't have a shower in my previous flat. I do now but I always showered at the gym - because I prefer a shower to a bath

There are also reasons why hygiene can become a problem for some people - certain disabilities. People with depression. It's not quite as simple as people jumping into a shower every day

I broke my leg last year. It was a bad fracture. I couldn't walk for months and it would have been completely dangerous to attempt to get into a shower at that point

I did wash myself and I used baby wipes as well but showering was completely out of the question.

We had an 18 year old live with us for a bit, kicked out by her mum the minute she turned 18. Not sure why but she would never wash or clean her teeth. We had clear non shameful conversations that did not change a thing. We then found that she was urinating on the bedroom carpet and leaving poo in bags.
This is a very tricky situation since your son is in a relationship with her, however you should absolutely not be putting up with this. You have essentially gained a child who you now have to make sure is cleaning her body and her clothes.

Good luck..you're very kind for helping her out instead of listening to some of the ridiculous comments on here as usual xx

Jesus Christ! You are all saints and so much nicer than I will ever be.

My sister's french exchange student pooed in bags and left them in the airing cupboard!

I would say to your son if he doesn't solve this problem with the gf then she has to go because you cant have this sort of problem in your house ,you have had to take her to visit people with you which is far too embarrassing! What is going on with ur son to be with a smelly gf,I dont get it,as you say he showers daily so does he like this sort of unhygienic woman or what as I would hate it if my son was with a dirty smelly gf,something is not right with this so like I said tell him or even her if this continues then she or both will have to find other accommodation,I wouldn't put up with that under my roof,just be brave,tell them & good luck & btw dont feel bad!⁹

I would say if this was my own son of course I would make sure he showered and washed his clothes, his girlfriend is now part of the household and likewise needs to be showering daily and clothes washed, that is your normal. It may be that her normal was never given properly due to neglect abuse or ND however she is now part of the household so needs to adapt to new normal, which may in the long run be the making of her. Particularly respecting your household boundaries. If she does not wish to be part of the family and break her patterns I don’t see how she can remain in house without friction.

My son who’s a couple of years away from being a teen is a nightmare for not getting a shower and unless I say here’s a towel you have shower gel and shampoo get a shower now he won’t drives me up the wall he literally came down about 10 minutes ago and stank i was abit mean about it and said your getting older now you need to keep up on your hygiene because you stink here’s a towel get a shower now cause he just won’t if I’m nice about it so he’s in there now

Wouldn't ever evict my own DC for not washing, but there is a reason why all these teens have been thrown out of their own houses.

One way to save face might be to approach it from a different angle. If she's living in your house she [both of them actually] should be sharing chores. Hers can be cleaning the bathroom every day after her shower. A brisk non-negotiable. And then load a wash including her own stuff.

Given the education at schools about personal hygiene as nauseum, there is no excuse in this day and age NOT to wash regularly. UNLESS there is a mental health issue??? If it's just a bad upbringing but your son has already shown her how to use a shower (?), then she needs to up her game.
Sorry, not a pleasant situation to be in... Good luck

I think if there’s neurodiversity there and she hasn’t had good parenting on this issue, you need to be kind but clear. Don’t beat around the bush, she won’t get your meaning if you do.

Tell her you like having her stay, that you think she’s a lovely young woman etc, but that as a member of the household there are certain rules she needs to adhere to. Tell her that her body odour is causing a problem, and that she must, from today, wear clothes once and then wash them, and that she must shower and apply deodorant every day if she is to continue to be part of your household.

Ask if there is anything you can do to make that easier for her to accomplish, but don’t give blurred boundaries.

Be kind but firm. You only want to do this once, so do it well, don’t fudge it. Good luck!