Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

I quite agree and hope no-one minds me mentioning it, but your son presumably is having sex with the woman and unless using condoms, the transfer of body fluids is inevitable. Having sex and not bathing stinks - I worked with someone like that and we were in a public facing role. You could see people gagging as they came into the shop, in fact the first time I worked with her I almost choked - the smell was that bad it got into your nostrils and mouth and you literally choked. The Superviser said she would have a word but this went on for months and months and yet some days she did not smell at all, not even a little bit. We (all staff) all mentioned it aloud (the awful smell in the shop) and loads asked if the drains needed cleaning. The fact that for a few days a month she didn't smell, showed that she could bathe/shower and the smell, bad as it was, would disappear for those few days. BTW on a personal level, we didn't have a bathroom until I was 10, so only had a bath (tin bath) once a week in front of the fire. We children never had deodorant - Mam had a roll on one named Mum I think. I don't recall Dad having one though he had a full wash down every day after work (Steelworks) and weekly bath until the bathroom was installed.

I occasionally use deoderant spray - not perfumed ones as I feel they dry my skin out. I think heavily perfumed deodorants or perfume, smells awful on a smelly person, and does'nt hide the smell. If you are clean you should not need to use that much or any deodorant unless you sweat profusely or working in a manual job which could cause excessive sweating. I think this woman is possibly (I don't know) just lazy about bathing for whatever reason, I worked for 8 years with Learning Disabled adults, and everyone needed telling after a couple of days they needed to bathe but some would get a bath but others would just reply that they did not want to, and there was nothing you could do. OP you need to have that quiet word now before it becomes totally unbearable and you are forced to ask her/them to leave. Good Luck.

"I've noticed that you're not showering every day or using the washing machine to wash your clothes regularly. I hope you're not feeling uncomfortable about using our facilities.
We want you to feel at home, so please do feel free to use the shower every day and wash your clothes regularly, especially as you need to be fresh and at your best for interviews etc."

You can perhaps use the relationship with her family to help this along - emphasise that you think this is her parents' fault, not hers, sympathise with her, but make it clear that washing is not negotiable, she has to do it regularly.

This could be a mental health issue, I know someone that was the same. But may not be. Maybe you could get rest of the family out of the way and say to her, i hope you don't mind me saying this because we do all really like you, but is there any reason you don't shower regularly and change/wash your clothes? Is there anything you want to talk about just between you and me? There's no problem you can shower every day and wash your clothes. Has she got plenty of clothes/undies? Can she lock the door when she's in the shower or is she scared someone will walk in?

I think for people thinking that some lovely gels, lotions & potions will help - they aren’t unfortunately rewarding enough to override a sensory issue with water, or a severe avoidance or procrastinatory issue, where simply the idea of showering or hair washing can feel overwhelming & distressing & is avoided. In fact for a lot of people with sensory difficulties the scent of many toiletries can also cause sensory distress.

When I first met my husband he would come home from work (manual job) stinking and although he showered every day I realised that he wasn't always wearing deodorant, when I asked why he didn't put deodorant on every morning it came to light that he thought you only wore it when you were going out somewhere "nice" so I told him he needed to spray it after every shower and since then he's been fine. Some people just don't get taught these things in childhood unfortunately.

I'd thread lightly, does she have clinical depression ?

Not showering and ADHD is a big thing too. Does she have a nice towelling bath robe? I know that's a thing for many people. good luck!

I don’t think this is going to work as a long term living arrangement. It puts a lot of pressure on your son and everyone else.

With your update that she doesn't work and has a poor relationship with her family, she is likely going to be with you forever, so you are going to have to be blunt. I wouldn't be tiptoeing around my own smelly 23-year-old who wasn't working or studying, so why someone else's?

This is a difficult conversation, but it is needed. You are doing a good thing OP, you sound caring and nice and I hope one day she will thank you.

Edit to add, when I’ve done this at work, it’s been via the ‘shit sandwich’ - something nice, deliver the bad bit, finish on a kind and nice thing.

You’ve had some good advice on here.

Sit both down and have a sincere chat as Mum of the House.

Talk about how some changes need happening if the living arrangement is to be happy and sustainable into the future.
List just three things that are non negotiable due to a stench that is out of hand..

Explain that fox and skunk can't smell their own scent - so too humans who are acclimatized to their own body odour.

• Everyone needs to wash themselves properly every day.

All over, warm water, soap or detergent, scrub, dry with clean towel. Give practical examples - show them. Ask for deodorant ideas that they approve of.

• Clothes, towels and bed linen need regular washing.

Undies and socks every day, layers after two or three wears and woollens and coats less often. T-towels - every day, towels - every two or three days, bed linen - weekly. Talk about which detergent, temperature of water and how to get things bone dry and how to store one's clean clothes.

• Shoes need taking off and airing.

Always wear socks with them and rotate a couple of pairs of shoes each week. Wear slippers inside.

Explain that they are on the nose and, to be frank, DS needs to keep his job and accommodation and GF needs a job and they can not be smelly.

Admit that it is embarrassing for you to talk about but even more embarrassing for you not to talk about it with them.
You will not neglect them. You are giving them motherly advice.

I voted YABU because she, and your son, are neurodivergent. You can't put the responsibility on your son when his brain works differently, it's your house and affecting everyone in your household.

It's likely she's not aware what she needs to do if she's neurodivergent and had a difficult childhood. Sit with her and be gentle. Let her know she is a young woman and needs to shower daily. Give her some products, like persimmon soap or body wash - they're marketed for older people with odour problems, but are great for young neurodivergents as well.

Have a good think what you want to say, and how to say it before you talk to her. Autistic people respond very well to clear instructions in a gentle, non confrontational voice.

Another autistic person here - I would prefer a gentle and direct conversation. Often I just need something explained clearly to understand why it’s important eg we wash regularly because our bodies release sweat/hormones that need washing away/they also leak onto our clothes and everybody does this to take personal care of themselves. Neutral, clear and gentle. Also start and finish with a positive about her and that you can help remind/prompt her to begin with.

i know she’s not your child and her autism could mean she feels alienated from others, thank you for being the person she needs right now.

People need to be told only then the issue can be corrected

Good lick. Just be direct enough that she understands. Don’t hint. Being direct doesn’t have to be unkind. Make sure she is aware of the importance of washing clothes. Maybe check whether her bras or tops with armpits need replacing or soaking - and explain sometimes people can smell even after washing themselves and clothes as it’s ingrained in the clothes. And check what scents she likes for the washing machine. She may like relatively unscented.

Hope it goes well

I voted YABU because I believe you should deal with this yourself. Your house, your rules. You waited a month to even gently bring this up? Kindly, use your words, OP. You’ll be doing your family a favour and you will be doing her a favour too! You could explain that not only you, but the whole of society expects people to wash themselves and their clothes. I’d say this lesson may be even more important if she is indeed neurodivergent and can’t figure this out by herself.

Agree about the daily shower. Only a couple of PPs have highlighted that unwashed clothes are the bigger problem.

People have done experiments (really!) to find out how badly people in the past would really have ponged. Short answer: The plebs reeked, as they rarely washed themselves and wore the same clothes for ages - in winter, they sewed themselves into their warm 'clouts' until Spring. Posh people didn't wash either, and posh outfits couldn't be washed. But they wore a clean linen undershirt every day. This kept them fresh, the linen absorbing all the oils and loose skin cells during the day, and stopped their fancy outer garments getting contaminated by them.

I bet you all feel better for knowing this massively important factlet, don't you?

I don't understand why having a daily shower and clean clothes is a problem. Yes, in the 18 and early 1900 personal hygiene was a premium to the rich class, but guess what? We are almost in 2026 and thankfully those days are long gone.

One of the biggest advantages in medicine was understanding how social and personal hygiene has an impact on health. If we don't shower frequently, the chance of getting skin fungal infections in young people are much higher .....when there is no need these days.

We all have washing machines washing not only outer garments but underwear as well. They even (maybe a shock to you) come with different cycles - cotton, delicates, wool etc.

So yeah, in almost 2026 in a country like the UK, people (even neurodiverse) can have a daily shower and clean clothes at the same time 🙄

We had this problem with an au pair. I spoke to her three times, my husband once. It was the same issue - you could smell where she has been in the house. I tried washing bedding when she was out but it wasn’t her clothes, it was her.

When I spoke to her, I explained that there was a smell, and she needed to make sure she had a shower every day, and washed her clothes regularly. When my husband spoke to her, he explained that she needed to scrub with soap in the shower. He spoke to her in stronger tones - this is a problem and you need to fix it. He was still kind. And she didn’t smell after that. Five years on we’re still in touch and she comes to visit. It didn’t damage the relationship in any way.

I have also had to speak to an employee - her colleagues complained although I hadn’t picked up on it. I sat her down and said that I had picked up on a smell, and would hate for that to become an issue in confined spaces. I said it might be perfume, but she needed to be aware of it so that she could ensure she was showered and clean smelling before coming to work. It was totally fine, she thanked me for raising it. No further complaints.

Well done for agreeing to speak to her. She needs to hear it. ASD can present a barrier, but she needs to find strategies to overcome it as an essential life skill. I say this as an autistic mother to autistic children. It might be embarrassing for her to have the convo, but she will lose friends, work prospects etc over it if she doesn’t sort it. I would point out the need for a daily shower where she has to wash with soap, and explain what washing is. You will then need to follow up; any time she smells ask her to please go and have a shower. Maybe buy her a shower puff? If she smells as much as you describe she likely doesn’t have any clue on how to wash. Make sure your son doesn’t undermine you, (I would say that you had asked him to tell her but that’s a matter for you) and really have a word with him about how much of an issue this is. It sounds absolutely grim for him to be sleeping with her and he could have fixed it easily. If they’re close enough to shag, they’re close enough to talk about this. They could shower together for goodness sake!

Good luck.

I'd tell her kindly before somebody else does. Unfortunately, they probably won't be as kind.

If she had a job ,they'd sure as hell pull her up on her bad hygiene and wouldn't necessarily be as kind about it as you are going to be

Nope, my house, my rules. Especially for a partner of an adult child living under my roof!

I run a tight ship, the house is always clean, tidy and fresh - basically a nice place to live. If someone doesn't want to abide by my rules that is perfectly fine, they will need to find other accommodation pronto though.

1 shower per day and a few loads of laundry per week is not asking to much of someone availing themselves of your hospitality.

You could say that you’ve noticed she isn’t washing regularly and isn’t washing her clothes. And ask her if she’s ok. Sometimes people don’t wash because they are depressed. Is she feeling depressed at the moment.
Also ask if there is a reason why she doesn’t wash?
This brings the subject up.

Then you can hopefully say that it’s good to get into good habits and you’ll try to help her. Say you would really appreciate it if she could wash every other day and wash her clothes once a week and which day would she like to do them on.
then you say ok I’ll help you on Tuesday for the next two weeks to get started. The remind her.

re the washing you can say, I’ve bought some nice new soap fur you, I’ll run you a bath.

Just do it all in a super kind way.

All the suggestions made by posters sound like a full time job. In addition to the job and parenting OP no doubt has already.