Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

Does she work? Exercise? What does she do when it’s her period?

it’s not healthy and your going have to be cruel to be kind. Tell your son you are going to have word with her and tell her that she stinks and it’s un hygienic to not be clean.

a young lad my mum works with was in this situation; basically abandoned from about age 12, my mum took him to home and bargain, told him what he needed to buy. Taught him how to use a washing machine, told him how to make sure he was clean etc. got him some new shirts and stuff for work cos his stuff was grey and well worn - he told my mum he had to get what he could from charity shops. But he was grateful for the support

She’s not working and her relationship with her family is not good. I’m planning on having a delicate conversation with her tomorrow in a sort of parent role as some others have suggested. I will post about how it goes. I’ve had lots of good advice and I’m glad I took it to Mumsnet. Wish me luck !!

Stale sweat /bo smells

it’s not nice to other people so not sure how your DS can beat to be in same bed /having sex if she smells that bad

either you or him need to be blunt and tell bed she needs to shower daily or at the very least 2/3 times a www

Her showering sometimes is no indication that she feels comfortable, she may feel extremely uncomfortable but have gotten to the point where she feels can't go any longer without one or it may have just been that she was feeling a little better on the day that she did shower. I'd tread carefully, I've worked with people who are uncomfortable bathing/showering due to sexaul abuse so trying to force it could cause trauma. I would advise DS to encourage it when it is just the two of them at home. He could maybe ask her if she'd be more comfortable doing her laundry when people are out too.

When was her last job interview? This will likely be scuppering any chances of a job so you’re right to help

You just sit with her as an adult and explain the situation with empathy and kindness.

I don’t understand why on earth that’s particularly difficult.

I seriously doubt that.

Sh needs a ‘do as you’re told’ care package.

If someone is living in my house and didnt wash and smelled I would speak to them and set some rules. I would say shower or bathe every day and clean clothes on every day. I would gently speak to her about it on her own and explain that she smells. You could be the saviour she needs. Someone needs to say it to her. You wouldnt leave a dog smelly and dirty let alone a person. You just need to say it.she wouldnt last at work and/or be a laughing stock or people will avoid her if noone ever says anything.

I cannot possibly read tft, but must touch on a very important related topic that needs to be addressed if it has not already been .

In light of the present situation, what does this young couple know about birth control and are they having protected sex?

Are they (and the OP) prepared for ( or aware of) an unplanned baby?

Hygiene, as elementary as it is, seems should be the least of your immediate worries.

I think young people can get so wrapped up in each other (and more so where they share aspects of a characteristic which they feel sets them apart in a negative way) that they'll be oblivious to physical unpleasantness the rest of us want banished by fire.
(Movies have been made on this theme, though guns usually tend to feature too)

I was just now reminded of a close pal at uni, decades ago, with whom I shared a tiny flat. She fell heavily for a fellow student and he for her, and they immediately embarked on a three or four day sex marathon, in her room next door to mine.
Very soon there was an abominable stench coming from it, and when they finally came up for air, the smell of sex would have felled mighty oxen. They didn’t even think to shower before hiking up to the university and hitting the vast café in our department to see all our friends.
In a few hours, and for a number of days afterwards, their choking smell was the talk of the department of English, and they were chuffed to bits by their notoriety, as though it proved how strong was their bond. (They were right; they married about ten years later)

For the record neither was remotely ND. But they were in a bubble of mutual absorption and weren't bothered by stinks or stenches.

.

I sympathise OP, I have my daughter's boyfriend living with us. My daughter is neurodiverse and so is he, but I wonder if it is a generational thing as I have noticed lots of older teenagers and 20 somethings really can stink of BO. We have to insist they get a shower or bath and wash their clothes after gentle reminders are ignored for a week or longer. Currently we keep asking and reminding if they have washed clothes/showered and they say they will that day and never do, and eventually I lose my patience and say the house is starting to smell more than just their room and put my foot down. I think writing a rota as recommended by another poster is a good idea that I will try.

I’d be saying she must wash with soap every other day or move out. You don’t have to live like this and she’s not your responsibility.

I had to bluntly say to my mother in law that she smelled of unwashed private parts and if she wanted to carry on living with us there would need to be some improvements. Just be honest neurodiversity doesn't mean lack of personal hygiene. "Here is the shower, his is a towel, this is the washing machine, I expect you to use them or find somewhere else to live." Should do nicely.

Good luck, OP, be gentle with her 😉😣

It is a sensitive subject but i think you’re going to have to bite the bullet and tell her she needs to shower daily and wash her clothes more often. Xx

Keep us posted!

I think it may be that she genuinely doesn’t know what to do and she may feel embarrassed.

Could you ask her for ‘help’ in doing a washer routine?
Work toward her with a younger age girl in mind not the age she is.
She may not even know how to wash etc so bear that in mind- you may need to explain how to do everything- does she make an effort with hair or make up?

Remember bedding will need washing too!

I would speak to her in a gentle but straightforward manner. I find it difficult to understand why your son puts up with it.

Is the girl depressed? Not bothering about personal hygiene is one of the first things to go in depression.

I'm surprised friends of your son haven't dropped hints.

You can't put up with this, it is disrespectful to you as a family so please don't let it go, it will only get worse.

Good luck.

I'd be quite tempted to say that she needs to get into a habit of good hygiene if she wants to stay (maybe not quite as blunt as that, but I wouldn't be able to tolerate it from a young and healthy person)

@averychoc @guineaguineaguineapig the ides of a rota for the washing machine is excellent. Allocate her washing tablets aswell so she feels she has to use them!

Tell your son this is the laundry rota and he needs to ensure he and his girlfriend both use the slot so the washing machine is free and whatever for a Thursday as you need it for XYZ.

The shower is one thing but washing her clothes is really, really essential. Is she washing any clothing eg socks & underwear? Surely she is. People for realise that skin bacteria and parasites are actually quite rampant now with everyone cold washing (this is not really sufficient to properly clean many types of textile) and also the rise of second hand clothing but that’s not really the issue here.
If your son won’t help improve the situation- I’d first try the rota. Then id ask son to talk to her. Then I’d say something myself. She might actually feel more at ease with you saying something discreetly to her like you’ve noticed she doesn’t use the washing machine and you wondered why? Rather than her boyf saying ‘my mum says you smell and need to wash more!’ - depends on how tactful your son is. I think I’d rather control the messaging and PR myself in this case as I’d be worried he’d say something that would be upsetting and I’d try to frame it differently because maybe she genuinely doesn’t know what’s ’normal’.

All those people obsessing with the typical mums net 'one must shower every day or is a creature of filth' rubbish....YABU as it actually takes quite a long time for someone to smell that openly bad without washing (maybe not if they don't use deodorant though- which if it's sweat smell then is likely the main issue here)

Feel for you OP....its a really difficult one and I think you need to be really careful how you approach it.
I think really your son needs to do it so you need to have another firm chat with him I think.....maybe discuss with him how he can do it in a more light hearted way as I think going in too hard and serious about it will upset her.
Would be focusing on the deodorant more than anything as without that BO smell will soon return however much she washes anyway.

I agree with speaking to her as if she were your DD.
Shit sandwich rule applies.
Say something lovely- how much you like having her around and you hope she's happy living with you.
Then tell her that you have noticed she doesn't wash her body or clothes very often, and that you're worried about her. People who take care of themselves, wash every day. Can she talk to you about why it is she doesn’t?
There is a graphic online of how often to wash various items of clothes etc - underwear and sportswear daily, Jeans after 3 wears etc - which is a really nice impersonal and objective way of showing what's the done thing. WhatsApp it to her. This is what we do here.
Then end with something nice again- I love how you stack the dishwasher /your pasta/ your boots

Agree with pp this is a strong indicator of past SA
And general low self esteem.
One way to approach it would be, why don't you think you are worth taking care of?

Does she have her own towels to use which are just for her? Does she have a laundry basket for her own clothes? She may be uncomfortable using "other people's" stuff. Maybe something along those lines would help. Get her a couple of towels in a colour that doesn't run so everything can be washed together and then say to her that her slot for laundry is X day. She may be embarrassed by underwear or worry about other people touching her clothes. Does she have 'enough' clothes/ underwear? She might also benefit from having an agreed time to use the shower every day to give a sense of routine/consistency. It has to be nicely made a non negotiable - for both of them.

PS You sound like a very kind and caring person.

Hi OP. I’m sorry I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, so forgive me if what I’ve written has already been suggested.
It’s a tricky one! I’ve taken young people on residential trips and we’ve had to teach them (in a group) what shower gel, a sponge, soap etc is for and how to use it. Literally how much, how long to wash for, what to use on which bits. I’m not sure if she’s had previous trauma, or may have come from a home where it’s been assumed that this is known. So much of what is ‘the norm’ to many of us is seen to be assimilated and not actually taught now…but that’s for another thread!
It has to be dealt with, for her sake. If you can afford it, please buy her a cheap loofah (if you share a bathroom, you can replace this frequently), shower gel and soap, deodorant etc.
if you can’t speak with her directly, can you write her a note? With the toiletries as a gift, of sorts? Maybe try to get as much info about her background from DS as you can first. It really is the time to take a deep breath and broach it though. Big hugs!