To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

[OhMyLantern]

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

”Sorry -no”

thats all you need.

No or you won’t see that £5k again. Just say, sorry i cant help unfortunately

I’ve not read the other comments yet but in100% agree with this. Do not lend her. You will not see that money ever again. I would just be blunt and say sorry you don’t have it to lend. Full stop.

No. She caused her problem, being stupid. Her problem to solve.

She’s not a friend

"I do not lend money. And I never want to discuss this again. Now, how was your Christmas?"
Say it like you mean it. And if the CF does ask again, just repeat "I do not lend money." No variation, no explanations, no justifications.
She may be a friend of sorts, she may do little jobs for you etc, but that does not entitle her to swipe over one quarter of your payout. That is YOUR money.
And you should never feel uncomfortable being assertive with people who are taking the piss.
And in future, don't discuss your finances with people, especially her.

Please don’t do it. And if she calls off the friendship because of your decision then she wasn’t a true friend. x

She is no friend.
Tell her all your money is already allocated to bills etc for the foreseeable future and you are not able to lend her anything without putting yourself into a difficult position

Tell her you've put the money into an account whrre you're not able to make withdrawals until 3 years!

This is a great response.

Also tell her to see her gp if she's feeling suicidal.

You say No. Or you ignore her request.

It's perfectly OK just to say No, and change the subject.

I had a friend like this. Thought she could buy whatever frivolities she liked, but expected others to bail her out. Like a previous poster said, she will not repay you. If you don’t feel comfortable saying no outright then make excuses, maybe that you’re paying off debts you incurred whilst not working. Anything, but don’t lend her the money.

Also, OP, you cannot afford to give away money when you are starting a new job/on probation/have no employment security or rights in case something goes wrong or you fall ill etc. £13k is really not a lot of money in the greater scheme of things. We lent £10k to a friend who was making (what I now think were spurious) suicidal threats. He too had racked up debts on total nonsense spending. It was supposed to be a 6 month stop gap, but it took years and the end of a number of friendships to get it back (he turned other friends against us for wanting our money back after years of patience). We weren’t the only people he grifted borrowed off, and all of the people he did borrow off were in potentially vulnerable situations (in ours, a new baby, new house and redundancy). I am pretty sure our vulnerability was what attracted him to prey on us. These people are absolutely cheeky fuckers and deserve no sympathy.

I have voted YABU, only because there’s no need to get upset about it or feel bad. You just say ‘no’. You don’t have to even give a reason.

No excuses or apologies needed.

Offer emotional support if you want to, signpost to practical support for both her debts and her mental health but don’t give her money.

I think you said in your 1st post that this friend never bought you food, offered you money or offered you any support despite knowing you were dealing with a horrible work situation. I had a friend of mine deal with a horrible boss and eventually she got another job to leave that one. I know it was a horrible period of her life as myself another friend were there for her during this.

So now the friend that offered very little or no support wants £5k to clear her debts. I would say no that unfortunately since you ran up debits they had to be paid off. Tell her as well I also have had Christmas and my new job does not pay me for a few weeks.
I had friends asking me for say £50-£100 the odd time in a 5 week month but they paid it back within a week or two but they did this for me as well.

She has no intention of paying this back. I would tell her to go citizen advice and get help with a debt plan or to look on Martin Lewis website re getting debt paid off.

I saw a friend of mine getting some unexpected money a few years ago. She gave a friend some cash and bought her on holiday. It was a total of £2500-£3000.
Her friend was dealing with a horrible time then. Now a few years later my friend that helped this lady out is lucky to get a text message or what's app from the same person. My friends parents are comfortably off and I know she will be getting several inheritances in time. My friend told me never tell anyone if you come into money otherwise they will expect money to be given to them.

I wouldn't give her 5k (even if she asked can you lend me 5k, you realise she is asking you to give her it, you won't get it back). I wouldn't mix money and friendship, just say no, absolutely not and keep repeating.

Hard no.

She's not your friend.

Move forward without her in your life at all. Permanent boundary. You will be happier without her in your life.

If you don’t want to say no then tell her it is locked up in an account that you cannot access for a year.

How about saying something like “I’m really sorry Jane but my debts were much, much larger than I let on. I hardly wanted to admit it to myself let alone burdening a friend with that info. I am afraid that all the money has been swallowed up and I am struggling myself between now and my new job”.

All lies, of course but it might be an easier get-out?

My DM's friend borrowed £5000 to buy a car. Like you, my DM couldn't work out how to say no. Needless to say, the friend is now an ex-friend and my mum hasn't had a penny paid back.

You said that if you hadn't gone through what you just went through, you would be better able to defend your boundaries from this friend. I hate to be judgy, but the fact that JUST after you went through this horrible experience and FINALLY were made whole by this (not actually huge) infusion of compensation, suddenly she has an amount of debt the same as what you had to borrow from your parents and, funnily enough, just like you, she feels suicidal over it?

What a coincidence!

To me, it comes across that she knows you well enough to know how you were emotionally worn out, and she's taking advantage of your exhaustion to get something for herself while you are too exhausted to defend your boundaries the way you normally would.

I don't think I would offer to help her learn about Stepchange or anything like that. Or even take walks with her. I think that such extended time spent with her would give her opportunities to convince you to give/"lend" her the money or even more. I would maybe just take a break from her for a good long time. You can send best wishes for her situation but, as you are sure she understands, you don't have the means to help at this time [or any time, but you don't have to say that part] and need some mental space to recover from your own difficult situation. If you feel you would be leaving her "in the lurch" by totally going no-contact temporarily, then maybe keep it to text messages so that you can stay in control of your emotions/boundaries, and not get manipulated into a conversation where you agree to give her your money.

As pp have said you just need to say it’s invested somewhere you can’t get it and you need it in case the same happens again

and put it in an ISA - this money gives you options you didn’t have before and you need to protect yourself

is she really your friend? If she falls out with you for saying no I would say not

make sure you point her towards mental health and debt support too

just say no.

Offer her £500. Tell her you have lots of debt to pay back too. Does she know your full finances?.