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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

365 replies

OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 15:44

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

OP posts:
PorridgeEater · 30/12/2025 14:09

Don't share financial details with this "friend"
You do not have to pay for her new nails / new car / holidays.
I hope you can make a new start after all you have been through.

TeresaTeresa · 30/12/2025 14:14

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

Salyexley · 30/12/2025 14:15

Stop being a victim and tell your friend to do one

funtimess · 30/12/2025 14:16

How does she know how much you have?

CurrentGoalThrivingWhileSurviving · 30/12/2025 14:18

Hi. I would say no to the "loan" but offer to help her to plan a way to pay it back and budget. She will be looking at a service like step change. It's a UK charity that helps people in debt. Especially for someone who sounds hesitant to grow up properly and take accountability for their own actions this would be a more helpful approach as it will give her a sense of control and independence with it rather than just been bailed out. She can definitely afford to pay back a loan of that amount with help from a service like step change so I think this is genuinely good advice. She will need to check her credit score on Experian for example to see where she actually stands. It will be a reality check. You put on the work to recover from what happened to you and fight back against awful discrimination and will have learnt so much about yourself in that process I am sure! Also well done. I'm neurodiverse and went through something similar and I know how hard it is to get back up and fight every day, you should be incredibly proud of yourself!

Late40sBloomer · 30/12/2025 14:31

I'm glad to see that you're not going to help her out financially. I once told my loving, caring mum that I felt like I needed some time to myself, and that motherhood was making me feel down, stressed and overwhelmed. I'd tried hinting for her help, as she had been a single mum with little ones when she was younger, and had spoken about how she felt isolated at that time.
She responded with "I coped, and you will too" and politely left for home. I was shocked, hurt and a little resentful. But now, almost 20 years later, I can appreciate she was putting in her boundaries. She helped me in other ways, but was not ever happy to take my children off my hands for a few hours. I won't share what she had been through, but over the years I began to understand why she might nlt have wanted to.
(I won't do that to my children when they become parents , but I respect her decision. )
I never chose to make it difficult by asking more of her than she was happy to do, because that's what love and respect means.
I think your friend has no right to inflict this difficult position upon you.

If she really does want help, maybe offer to go for walks, take her for a coffee or just check in with her via message.

If she is a misguided friend she will appreciate this kind of help (that which falls within your boundaries). If she doesn't, unfortunately she is no friend of yours.

Septemberstar6 · 30/12/2025 14:31

Just say, "sorry, I'm not in a position to lend money at the moment" and then maybe direct her to some debt support services.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2025 14:44

OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 19:10

Thank you all. I won’t be lending her anything. Had the whole spiel of “if I was in the same situation and you needed it, I’d do it without hesitation” which is a very easy thing for her to say considering she’s not.

But she WAS in the same situation, and you DID need it, and she didn't lift a finger. Worse, she wasn't even a sympathetic ear.

"I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself."

Fuck her! Selfish cow, and a liar to boot!

Cactusmad · 30/12/2025 17:19

No is a full sentence. Don’t elaborate, she will be well versed in doing this so just be blunt. Not a royalist but the queen was adept at short and sweet to the point answers . Not your problem to solve or give any explanation. Life is full of takers . As others have said it will be wasted and you won’t see the cash for dust . The collective view on here is a big fat no don’t do it . Glad u are refusing, it’s shocking when asked. It takes a minute to actually respond. Been there , you won’t regret it .

YourDearCat · 30/12/2025 17:28

Just say No. You wont get it back. If she can't understand your reasoning then she was never a friend. A fool and her money ...... You know the rest. Good luck

GRCP · 30/12/2025 17:38

She’s not your friend. Stash the rest of the money for a rainy day. Well done on your new job!

ittakes2 · 30/12/2025 17:56

Tell her you used it to pay off your debts.

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 18:09

I just wanted to say I am sorry you have been through such a bad time. ive had nine years of total hell and I never thought I would feel suicidal but I do. im glad you are finding a way through

Heathotstuff · 30/12/2025 18:19

never tell anyone about any form of money you get! This comes from someone who got victim compensation- do not tell people!

Janecat23 · 30/12/2025 18:21

I would say that money was awarded to you as compensation and it is not meant to be frittered away. You have to steward that money that you are entitled to. It’s yours.
if you want to you could give her a much smaller amount and say this is a gift and you don’t expect it back and then ask her to go to a debt management charity for help.

LAMPS1 · 30/12/2025 18:32

Dear friend,
I’m afraid your request for 5k has put me in the uncomfortable position where I must refuse. You know the circumstances I have been under so I don’t have to explain. I simply don’t have spare cash to give you if I’m to get back on my feet and recover my own stability and mental health.
Happy to help you make a budget if you feel that would be useful.

DadBodAlready · 30/12/2025 18:35

Say NO, but Please say you didnt tell her you got a payout or how much it was.
If you did explain you used it to pay off YOUR debts and have just enough to carry yourself thru to you nemxt pay check with your new job.

nomas · 30/12/2025 18:42

Glad you said no. Please don’t tell people about your money, even family and friends. Even your parents.

Missingpop · 30/12/2025 18:46

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO AND AGAIN NO how dare this little madam come to you cap in hand with her begging bowl claiming to need your help & have the bare faced audacity to say she’s suicidal; she’s no friend she a parasitic louse do not loan her a penny you’ve been to hell & back all whilst she was carrying on with her life like nothing was going on.

JHound · 30/12/2025 18:47

Say “sorry - I don’t have it”.

And leave it at that.

Mere1 · 30/12/2025 18:48

Smartiepants79 · 29/12/2025 15:48

Do NOT give her anything. You need it for you. You will never get it back. Say no and she is no loss if she takes it badly and flounces off. Why are you still friends?

This.

Tinsles · 30/12/2025 18:49

OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 19:10

Thank you all. I won’t be lending her anything. Had the whole spiel of “if I was in the same situation and you needed it, I’d do it without hesitation” which is a very easy thing for her to say considering she’s not.

Absolutely not.
You need your security after what you have been through.
Do not entertain suchva user.
Be very wary OP.
Good luck with your new job.

PickingFruit · 30/12/2025 18:52

This is not a friend. No

PBJsandwich123 · 30/12/2025 19:10

She needs to get her spending under control before she borrows a penny off you or anyone else. I hear there are hotlines/support groups for this, but haven't looked into it. Let her know you won't even consider lending before she's got the right help, which isn't more borrowing more money.

Atsocta · 30/12/2025 19:11

In a word NO !!!!

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