To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

[OhMyLantern]

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

@OhMyLantern I see you've decided to say, No. That is the right decision. 😅
I just want to add: She is not your friend.
I think you need to ghost her and block.
If contacted and pushed, I would bluntly say it is due to the money request. I would then say, This friendship is over.
Do not feel guilt. She's a pariah.

Don't make up any stories! She will keep pestering you otherwise. I can't tell you the amount of times this happened to me when I was young and foolish. Thank God I always said no. Absolute cheeky fucker she is. If she's cocky enough to ask, then you also find the confidence to say no. No excuses, stories, nothing. Just say no, and let her have as many tantrums as she wants. That is YOUR money. Not hers.

It's a definite no. You don't need to elaborate, but if pushed you can just say you don't have spare £5,000.
You know you won't get the money back and you can not afford to make such a sizeable gift to anyone right now. You aren't working yet, and have been through too much to be put under any more stress.
Do not even offer a smaller amount out of misplaced guilt. Straight up "No"

First off, do NOT apologise by starting out and saying “I’m sorry, but…”

Say ”I can’t do that. I don’t have enough money to care for myself and loan out to anybody else.”

Or a version of that. If you lose her as a friend, you weren’t really friends - were you.
As I’m sure you’re already asking yourself.

This sort of thing really grinds my gears we could all say that. I would say she's not a real friend. I would tell her no I'm not in a position to do that and I need every penny I have You don't need to give her an explanation it's your money to do with what you want. If you feel there's any chance that she is actually suicidal and not just saying this then I would suggest that you give her the number for the Samaritans and explain that you're worried about her saying this and then keep asking her if she's contacted them. I would also perhaps mention this to her father if you know him. On the off chance that she really is down then you will have done what you can

which of these scenarios is less appealing to you:
having an awkward conversation and telling her no?
Or giving her 5k that you will never get back?
Go with whichever you feel more comfortable with.

Sorry just read the later posts, well done OP for standing up to the CF!

I don't blame you OP. She shouldn't be asking you for money.

I've recently found out that someone has asked my elderly father to give them £6k. How fucking dare they.
He didn't give them it thankfully.

It's my experience that people consider a settlement as "found money" or a lottery win, rather than the amount a court decided was fair to cover your losses. Therefore you should share it around to anyone who asks.
Glad you will say "no"!

Im sorry you have been put in this position by your "friend".
A good lesson to be learned is do not discuss financial numbers with friends.
Tell her No, as others have said.
its not necessary but if it makes you feel better tell her after you have paid back your mum and settled your own debts from a period of not working you don't have 5k left to give/lend her.

I’d wonder if she had a hidden addiction. To run up debt when you work and have no housing costs is bizarre. Addiction would also
over ride any embarrassment and sense of decency that would over wise stop her from pressuring you for money.

I’d say no, and that as your mental health has also taken a battering recently, that you need this money to fall back on. She is unlikely to be able to pay you back quickly so I would say no and also that you don’t want it to ruin your friendship if she owes you money. If she falls out with you over it then she’s not really your friend is she?

This type pop out of the woodwork at a sniff of cash . Pleased you held out , this money is yours to do with as you please . You have had a trying time and you faced it with a strength of character.

Tell her no way. And thats me being polite.

Just to pipe in, a friend asked to borrow money from me once after I had an inheritance. She earns probably 4 times what I do, bought a house with land to please her new chap and goes on luxury holidays a few times a year. They have a massive mortgage and God knows how much credit card debt. I live in a small flat, no mortgage, and live within my means. Best thing I ever did was say no as I would never have got it back. It would have ended our friendship.

Absolutely not. And be busy next time she asks to see you. Time for a fresh start all round. Good luck x

Only lend money you’re happy to not have back. I doubt very much you’d be happy to say goodbye to 5k. Say you don’t have it & you’ve locked the money away in an isa & you can’t access it

No way! Don't do it!

My dad always told me that if you lent anyone money don't ever expect to get it back! Please do not give your friend any money. She has a track record of not being able to manage her finances. She will not repay you.

Once they get the money they’ll feel they are entitled to it and you are unreasonable to ask for it back. No one who’s a real friend would ask for a loan/gift in these circumstances. You need the money more than they do. Stay strong.

And I don't suppose for a moment that you'd ask, would you? The last big Mumsnet CF of the year, I think.

If she was your true friend she’d not ask. She’s a scrounger and you made a mistake telling her. She won’t pay you back a penny either so just no OP. NO Op. please don’t do it.

good luck in your new role

Presumably she's not local if she has to drive hours to see you? I'd just block her on everything. She's not really a true friend. This is not how friends behave.

Not the same but a bit similar

I was offered redundancy many years ago this was common knowledge. The vast number of randoms at my firm coming up and asking me how much I was getting was ridiculous

as was the number of randoms and some friends asking me for a 'loan' it was a big nope from me. People get greedy for your money

obviously just tell her no and nothing more. I don’t think your friendship will survive this but I don’t think it will be a big loss for you.

She’s pounced on you the minute she found out you had a bit of money and no you won’t see that money again and you certainly can’t afford to lose it.

I point blank will not lend money to anyone now. I’ve lent money 4 times in the past to friends/family and only one of them ever paid me back. The stress of chasing repayments was horrible and it caused bad feelings and I promised myself never again.