AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

I never get financial help from my parents. My brother does as he needs it more than me. I don't think it's unfair or feel any resentment. I think helping those who need it most is the right thing to do, treating everyone the same is not the right thing in most situations.

It breeds resentment. Me and my sisters were raised by a single father. Now both me and my older sister are single parents. I work she doesn't I pay for childcare in order to work. My sister's kids are the only grandkids my dad now bothers with he spends more time with them than he does with my kids. I've cut him off now due to the lack of interest he has in being a grandad to my kids while he drops everything to look after hers while she goes on dates with guys she meets online yet he wouldn't even collect mine from after school club to cover the hour at work that club doesn't cover. He helps her to buy new cars constantly. My older kids have now said grandad doesn't want to know them cos they aren't my sister's kids. It definitely harbours resentment when they're blatantly favoured

I think it’s unreasonable tbh. I don’t have a sibling, and I also don’t have financial help from my parents. I think people need to stand on their own two feet, and while there may be a one off occasion that requires some support from the parents, to long term subsidise another adults life is not appropriate. Especially if the other siblings have worked hard to get where they are, yet helped sibling may well have made irresponsible decisions, not bothered to take steps to look after themselves.

Wonder what will happen when you’re gone, OP? This child of yours won’t have the skills to look after themself and no one to fall back on to top up their income. I think it’s setting them up to fail.

I can see why you would help your single daughter though it isn't clear whether, at other times, you have helped the other two or would do so - maybe involving a lot less money?

As for the time spent with grandchildren, I agree with others saying it's unfair to spend more time with the one, and I think other members of the family could well see it as favouritism. Grandparents aren't all created equal, they don't all apportion the same amount of time to their grandchildren as you might. Your other two sets of GC have different GPs from each other. Maybe more or fewer aunts, uncles and cousins etc.

Each of your GC should have a more or less equal relationship with YOU regardless. You can't make up for the absence of other GPs for your single daughter's child. It's not a maths equation.

And from my personal childhood experience GPs are in no way interchangeable. One set was well known to us, we stayed with them often and went on holidays together. The others were like strangers who occasionally came to tea and gave us presents that showed they didn't really know us.

I rarely comment on posts but the comments to this made me really angry. Some of you lot need to know the difference between equality and equity. Each of her children has different needs and for the miserable people who are like if you can't treat them all the same dont treeat them. She's not treating her daughter OP is giving her a life line. I was a single parent and the occasional bung from my Mum and Dad was shameful but an absolute goodsend. I worked my socks off in a very average paying job. It's now almost impossible to live as a single person in a household in the UK on an avergae wage. I looked at my bills from 2018 they've doubled in the last 7 year, my income hasn't. And raising a child in a toxic relationship damages everyone. Those of you in secure relationships, warm housing, with above average paid work have NO IDEA what a challenge it is to raise a child in those circumstances and should keep your poxy opinions to yourself.

I don't think this your story is like OPs, she talking about trying to make her daughters life better but she's not said she's trying to make it better than her other children, helping with things like heating and clothes in particular shouldn't be needed in 2025 and yet energy costs are through the roof.

What happened to you sounds really unfair. I have also been in an abusive relationship that I needed help to get back on my feet and actually felt more of a failure than my siblings for needing this. I have two children, my brother has one and my sister has none. My parents estate will be split three ways after a set amount has come off for each grandchild. They do help me out but I know they help the others out too when they have hit various obstacles.

I think it’s a difficult choice /decision face by many parents - to support financially or not. But whatever choice you make being open and honest with all the children should reduce any resentment.

The other key thing to me is OP says single parent works full time in a low paid job. I’d be disappointed in my children if they resented parental financial support to a sibling who was working full time and not choosing to take it easy because of the bank of Mum and Dad,

We support our children ‘flexibly’ - they are given given different amounts whilst at Uni as they have significantly different accommodation costs - we try to balance the disposable cash they have after accomodation - but 1 parties /drinks quite a lot. The other doesn’t. Do we give the one who drinks more, more cash? No we don’t - they are expected to work during the Uni holidays to supplement their life choices!

I would maybe consider maybe taking all the grandchildren away for a weeks holiday each year during the school holidays - it doesn’t have to be anything expensive … just the same for all. With or without parents. The grandchildren will remember those holidays with their cousins for many years to come.

I think YANBU. I posted on the other thread about my situation. My parents fully support one sibling and subsidise the other, but I have been completely financially independent since I was 21. However, I am 100% sure they would help me out if I ever asked them. I understand why they support my eldest sibling who has ASD and has never worked. TBH I think they could have done more to help/encourage that sibling towards employment, but it's water under the bridge now. As for the other sibling who works but never seems to have enough money, I roll my eyes at their sob stories and emotional manipulation of my parents. But I don't resent my parents at all. They have always tried to do their best and that is all anyone can ask.

In your situation I think you are doing the right thing to help your DD. She is clearly working hard and struggling as a single parent. IMO it isn't favouritism to recognise her need is greater than that of your other children.

The thing that stood out in the previous post (sis , a yoga teacher and her OH a landscape gardener ) was that the parents topped up their income so they could afford the same things as the sister !
What you’re doing (allowing your child heating etc is vastly different !)

Spend the same on your grandkids too !
My own parents are vigilant to the penny /£ about me snd my siblings and fairness .
One example - sis had a loan to buy first property in outer London (she was single at the time and it allowed her to get on ladder - bro and I older and bought with partners )
She sold this and moved in with her husband out of London
Now With some equity , she has split the loan my folks gave her and given me a third and bro too
This was a condition from my folks of the loan !
They treat all 6 grandkids the same too !
It stems from unfairness my mum got from
her parents
I too am vigilant with my own two kids !

firstly well done for saying you will carry on doing this

My mum was widowed when I was a baby and my grandparents helped a lot such as helping buying a house, paying for education (it was their choice for me to go to independent school), buying cars and so on. We also moved to be close to them while my cousins lived 100 miles away. As we were nearby they picked me up from school everyday so my mum could help.

They always gave all their grandchildren the same amount for Christmas and birthdays and we
all received the same amount when they died. Without their help we’d have had a very different life for which i’ll be always be grateful

I guess in exchange in a way my mum was their carer for 7 years whilst her sister just visited when free.

I would be resentful of the inequality between siblings if my parents did this. My parents gave full childcare to my sister for her 3 children and now I have a child, they're too old to help out. If I calculated how much free childcare my sister has recieved over the years it would work out to be nigh on £100k. Me and my husband are struggling every month to find the £1000 in nursery fees and I do feel irked that we are receiving no help whatsoever. My sister is very comfortable financially compared to me, no mortgage etc. My parents are also very comfortable and we've not had any help from them financially either. Before everyone jumps down my throat and tells me it was my parents choice/their money etc, yes I agree, but I still feel hard done by and that my sister/ her children are the favourites in the family. That stings the most

Someone challenged me once on spending more on my daughter than my son. DD was studying, living away from home working towards prestigious degree. Son was still living at home, rent free, in and out of work and spending money on a slightly worrying party lifestyle. Friend said I should have bought him a car to balance out spending. My view was he'd never be sober enough to drive for starters but mainly, I think it's fair to give each child as much as they need at that point in their lives, as far as you can.

As the years have gone by, DS has grown up finally, into a lovely bloke and has had a bit more help, as and when. We also still help DD at times, but it's never for anything frivolous. I suppose I'm saying you offer more help financially, to the one who needs it most at that time which is your single mum DD.

OP is your 3rd child claiming all the benefits they’re entitled to? I ask because my DD1, who is a single parent of 3 and works full time, claims universal credit which then entitles her to help with childcare costs, free school meals etc. As a result she has a very similar income to my DD2 with 2 DC who is married, both working full time, but who do not qualify for any assistance.

I keep a spreadsheet of any large amounts I give so they can sort it out from my estate as my sister and I did when my DM died.

I didn’t vote. I don’t think you are necessarily being unreasonable, but I don’t think it’s great either.

i went through a brief period of resentment over the extra help my younger sibling got from my parents to compensate for her poor life choices. Then I realized I should take it as a point of pride that I have never come to them hat in hand.

If I could give advice to the siblings that it would be to focus on themselves and their own accomplishments.

For me it’s the time with the GC more than the money. FIL mainlines his money to BIL, historically paying his bills so BIL had money to go drinking, and when he dies it all goes to BIL. Not remotely fussed, can’t miss what you never had etc

However, MIL absolutely doted on my DC and they had a magical, wonderful relationship (BIL doesn’t have DC), and you can’t buy that kind of time. So yes, it would make me angry if I saw my DC were some sort of lower priority to you.

In a very similar position, I’m one of 4 siblings and one of the ‘better off’ ones as if were (although not wealthy at all)
Youngest sibling exactly the same as your daughter, we all know our parents help her out with bills (again non smoker/drinker etc). In fact I helped out alot years ago with buying clothes and groceries etc (and it was never expected). None of us siblings feel any resentment whatsoever as we are not greedy.
i fully understand why you are helping out and it’s not as if she’s out partying, buying designer clothes or fancy cars, you are helping with the basic bills to live.

I’ve always helped my two ACs equally. But if one needed a bit more support, then I’d do that as well. It’s your money, so do what makes you happy.

I would advise caution OP.

Sibling relationships, even in well functioning families, can be complicated. I think the fear that you are the less favoured child can run deep, and the problem is that when something is being parcelled up and given from parents to children - be it money, time or attention - it feels a lot like love.

We have three adult children, all with partners and children. Their finances vary greatly, and frankly, I'm afraid that's life. We work very hard to treat them fairly, while recognising it's impossible to keep track down to the last penny, and while one of our children is more needy than the other two DH and I try to even things up as much as we can.

If we ever end up giving much more to one child than the others (due to unforeseen hardship) I would be looking to even things up in our wills.

My oldest child once said to me, we don't need it mum - we're doing ok. But my reasoning is that you never know what lies ahead. Things can change very drastically, and very fast. If our comfortably-off child chooses to give their share to the least well-off one they are free to do so.

All I'm saying is, be careful OP. If you can't afford to give all three what you are giving to one, I suggest you think creatively about other ways you can help the others.

I think parents of adult children can leave a very bitter legacy for their children when money is not distributed fairly and sensitively.

It's your money which you have presumably worked for. Your children don't have a right to it (even as an inheritance). I agree that it makes sense to help the child who needs help. Just do so in a sensitive manner - not throwing expensive holidays at her, for instance.

Jealousy then.

I see yours as a bit different to the other thread. They are subsidizing for holidays, cars etc to “level up” the daughter and allow her to work less than her sibling. Which is grossly unfair.

Yours is slightly different as it is for essential bills and assuming it won’t be forever. Your DD presumably couldn’t have foreseen the relationship breakdown.

I think it is key to be open and honest with all your children and seek financial advice. Add up everything you give her so your children can know any tax implications if you died. Can you address the imbalance in your will for example giving a smaller % based on the support given now.

Just don't be surprised when later in life your other children hit you with the favouritism attack.

You may not be aware of any but there will definitely be resentment

I agree.

All siblings should be treated equally. This sort of thing breaks families up. If not while the parents are alive, after their deaths.

Do your wills cover them equally or is she being favoured there too?

I mean, it's not like they would tell you, is it? I think you're unreasonable. But at least you're open about it.