AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

I think you're being naive if you don't think there's any resentment.
The ''little bit of jealousy'' you are seeing is probably the tip of the iceberg.

''We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others.''

That's an awful lot of help, which goes way beyond the basics.
Presumably if your daughter has a low paid job and no support from the dad then she is also claiming Universal Credit to top up her wages/rent, and would be entitled to free childcare if she is working?

Is it possible that she's being a little selective with the truth when it comes to her finances?

While I do agree with helping your daughter if she is struggling, if you're paying her bills buying your grand daughter's clothes and funding holidays, where is the incentive for her to look for a better paid job or become less dependent on you for financial support?
And if you are spending far more time with this grandchild than your other grandchildren, of course her siblings will harbour resentment, whether they show it or not.

I have been thinking about the recent post with one daughter being subsidised thousands of pounds for years and years. I think one reason it was so upsetting was that it had been deliberately kept secret all that time and the gift had afforded one adult child a better quality of life in terms of family time and less stress about paying for mortgages, childcare and expensive holidays than the other. Then when the unsupported child raised it with the parents her concerns were completely dismissed (but at some level the parents must have known it had the potential to be upsetting or it would have not been kept secret for all that time).

all situations are different, in your case it seems that it’s happening out in the open and if you didn’t provide help then the grandchild could go without essentials and it seems you are primarily motivated to care for a young child, and you have not decided that some your adult children are more capable than the others. You seem like the sort of person who would help your other children as much as you could if they ask or needed it

Its not. I have been on benefits and now have a job where I pay high rate tax. I have worked throughout. People have no idea how hard it is to get off of benefits through work and to feel the pressure of needing it to do it as soon as possible. Work also needs to have some sort of flexibility, if your child is ill or needs picking up from school then there is only you to do it.
OPs daughter is working hard but even if she's been topped up with benefits, it won't be a lot considering how expensive things like rent, heating and food is atm, it's just a shit situation to be in. My parents helped me a lot and now they help a lot less because I don't need them too. There really close to my siblings and help everyone in different ways.

YANBU , families are not always equal and you shouldn’t need to try and make them equal .

Indeed they do.
However, if one child needs financial help due, for example, to breakdown of relationship or illness or being made redundant, how is this a parenting failure or indicative of a lack of independence?

Just be careful OP that you have saved enough for your own retirement. The fact that you don’t have enough funds to treat all DC equally means your money isn’t infinite and as some upthread have mentioned, I wouldn’t assume that the DC you have given money to will be your main carer in old age. I mean absolutely no one is obligated to be a carer, but I wouldn’t be surprised if your other DC are less likely to step up having had less of your time and input when younger.

But you seem to think it’s all fine and no issues at all, despite having posted in the first place so there we go.

I honestly could not begrudge my parents helping out one of my siblings in your daughter's position.

I do have a sibling who has it a lot tougher than the rest of us. Single parent, hard working, like your daughter.

Unfortunately our parent is not in the position to assist financially, but I know they would if they could, and I really would be glad that my siblings was okay as our parent was helping them.

Anyone who thinks it would breed animosity mustn't have a close, happy relationship with their siblings.

I don’t disagree with helping disproportionately. Some people need help in different ways.

However, has it occurred to you that you might well be enabling certain (potentially poor) choices. I’m sure your other children would love to be in lower paid, less stressful jobs (which you are enabling for one of your children). By making it easier, you aren’t always helping them make the right choices.

I think what you're doing is completely unacceptable. It makes you a bad parent and grandparent in my eyes.

I agree with how you re going about this, but might keep it completely confidential from the others, if I could. How you spend your money is nobody's business.

It all depends on whether it is a temporary thing or whether it reflects an ongoing disparity in the way the children are treated.

It’s all fine if child A fell on hard times 10 years ago and had financial help, then child B was ill 5 years ago and needed practical support, then child C became a single parent and needed help for a while. In this scenario, the parents are open to the different needs of the family at different times and in the end it evens out.

If, however, child C is the only one who ever gets help and consideration and the parents have a bit of a blind spot, it could be a major issue.

I think this is true. But equally people who haven’t experienced favouritism often can’t understand why this behaviour might legitimately be resented.

Its very clear that a lot of people are projecting. It kind of fits in with the same grabby attitudes you get on threads about wills and inheritance. Its pretty gross.

If I were the single mum daughter and had to choose between this help to stay afloat and not upsetting one sibling, I know which I would choose. So I can see why the OP would choose the same. If it's all linked to the GC then surely it will only be temporary as well.

I have a lovely relationship with my siblings and I grew up in a family where my brother was the golden child and my sister was the baby, one a mummy's boy and the other a daddy's girl. We all know how it so often goes for the eldest daughter 🙃

I think a lot of it is coming down to expectations and entitlement.

I'm a less assisted sibling and I really don't mind ..I see the need and don't feel any jealousy. I do think it's important to show you value, love and are proud of your self sufficient 2 though 🫶

SIL did this. Never worked more than a few sporadic part time jobs. Claimed she couldn't because of childcare. Blamed her DH for not earning enough for them to live off.

Gave her parents a massive sob story how she couldn't possibly support herself. They subsidised her. When they died that cashflow was cut off.

It was a massive shock to her and now she is furious that she has to work to support herself.

I also think what is interesting from this thread is people who say about being on a 'good' income. Surely that is subjective.
I totally agree that helping out a child with the essentials to make sure they have a roof over their head and food in their cupboards is fine, but to me when you start paying for grandchildren to do extra activities and for them to go on holiday that's where I feel it becomes unfair. Just because the other children are perceived to be on a 'good' income that doesn't mean they aren't struggling. Do you know their exact earnings? Do you know their exact outgoings on essentials?

Surely in this scenario the dad should be contributing towards his child plus if mum is on a low income then there are benefits to help. Practical help in ensuring she is claiming everything she is entitled to might be worth doing.

If your gut is wandering AIBU then you are sensing something. Essentially you reasoning is sound and from a place of love, so your an absolutely awesome parent/ grandma. It's a credit to you. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. Maybe some of the comments resonate with you. Maybe speak to each of your children separately, or show them your post on mums net. Ask them how they genuinely feel, and explain you are desperate for any friction to be ironed out. You need your own time and money too, so financially, don't give away your money to family who need it less than you. How about offering to babysit your other grandchildren at the same time as you are for there cousin. Try and bend the family. If they are local, suggest group low cost holidays, supplement the single mum and make it clear its circumstances not favoritism. Suggest the siblings help out there sister with child care at there home, so there's less emphasis on you being the helper.

I was thinking about this thread again and this bit of the OP struck me

we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have

I actually don't think this bit is entirely reasonable. Your children are always going to make different choices and have different standards of living. That's life, isn't it?

If one of your children gets a promotion and can afford a nicer holiday, would you give the others money for that too?

I understand completely wanting to make sure that all your grandchildren are fed, clothed and warm if you are able to, but I think trying to equalise every aspect of their lives kind of isn't

I think it is your money and your time and you do as you please. In addition, I would want my parents to help those who need it most. I am very surprised by how many here really believe they owe some of their parents resources. But it seems to be widespread. This post is an eye opener.

When you treat your children unequally then you sow the seeds of anger and resentment. You may well reap the bitter rewards in later years.

My sister was the golden princess. I many ways she was unlucky, She had an unplanned child at 16 and then married a man who violently abused her. So she needed more emotional and financial support. I was always a loner (single/childfree by choice) so I had a much more distant relationship with my parents. They made it clear at an early stage they were leaving 2/3 of the estate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren. I went on to achieve high academic honours. However it was clear that nothing I could ever achieve in my life was equivalent to what my sister had done. Of course it bred resentment between my sister and I.

The older I grew the further I stepped back from a relationship with my parents and barely saw them. From being the golden princess she became the golden carer. So she earned the 2/3 of the estate she inherited.

Yes I agree with that too. My husband and I have enough money to give our children comfortable lives but don't have much to spare. My sister on the other hand has a much higher household income so their kids get much more than mine but that's just the way it goes sometimes, I wouldn't be expecting (or wanting) anyone to supplement our income to keep the cousins the same.

The post you quoted answers this Q.

You don’t intend to change, so I’m not sure of the purpose of canvassing opinions, but fwiw I think it’s pretty shitty to treat children inequitably. In particularly spending more time with one grandchild Is not surprisingly hurtful to the other grandchildren and their parents. The single parent needs to pursue the father of her child for financial support.