AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

I think the thing you need to watch is the having that grandchild more.

You might be the only willing grandparent but babysitters do also exist.

Dh’s parents have his siblings children so so so much more than ours think once a week vs a couple of times a year.

Our children have pretty much no interest in them or their cousins now as they feel the favoured children always came first and they just got the left overs.

It did actually cause rows between dh and his parents at one point. But now he has just accepted they are the favourites. He is also Slowly accepting our children pulling away from them as well.

Doesn’t stop them always wanting to borrow stuff off us however 😅

This!

I think you need to be extremely honest with yourself and look at your children's lifestyles and life choices with a very critical eye. Are you inadvertently supporting one child to make irresponsible choices without needing to consider the consequences whilst the others cannot afford to make the same mistakes?

It's all very well not wanting your grandchild to miss out on things her cousins have/do but learning to live within your means is an important life lesson. You will be doing her no favours if all she learns is to expect someone else to pay for her.

Also, consider the future. Make sure the financial help you are providing is being used to build a future where your DD can support herself entirely on her own. One day you won't be around to pay for her lifestyle. Paying for her heating bills suggests a massive red flag. If she's prioritising fun spending because someone else is paying for the boring stuff, then you're setting her up for a massive shock.

This exactly.

What sort of well paid, affectionate adult sibling would see their sister and niece or nephew go without.

Selfish, greedy and small minded.

Keep going OP. You are doing a great job as a loving parent.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong - who wouldn’t help a child who’s struggling. I’m guessing if one of the other two fell on hard times you’d do your best to help them too.

I agree with your decision.
Charity begins at home.
Well done for not keeping it secret.

I do think that you need to, once the needy child is back on her feet (extra training/better prospects/kid in school etc), go back to treating each of your three similarly.

You need to back off so your worse off daughter learns the skills to fend for herself, make more money, create wealth etc. etc. By helping her for too long, you could smother her incentive to succeed.

They don't really know the long term impact of these decisions upon relationships until its too late. A little support is one this but lifestyle funding or supplying lots of childcare to one but not others is something else

I have seen it happen many times. One child chooses a deadbeat partner, to travel instead of work, to spend instead of save, to neglect study etc. Another is basically responsible. The parents swoop in to save the feckless one who is seen as a perpetual child, incapable of looking after themselves. The pattern is often established in childhood when for some reason the parents cast one child in the helpless role and inevitably that child learns to be helpless. I don’t know if that’s what is happening here. The daughter may be a perfectly responsible but unlucky person, but it’s important for the OP to interrogate the family dynamics imo.

OP I’ve seen this play out with my parents for 30 years. This would be my advice to you. Don’t be surprised after all this input that your DD and your GC who received the extra help don’t reciprocate as you age. They won’t ever see you as someone who needs help. Equally don’t be surprised if your other DC turn round and say you can afford to sort yourself out get on with it, because that’s what you’ve told them. Don’t be surprised if it turns out your other DC actually had much less money than you assumed - they may be very good at managing in a way the needy one isn’t. There is a very fine line between helping and enabling. One you’ve tipped over into enabling it’s almost impossible to get out of it. Do you have an exit strategy because if my experience is anything to go by you’ll need one. I would not swap my life with the DB who had had the endless support and handouts but my god it rankles that after 30 years it is still happening. The GC that my DM invested so much time and money in are now late 20s. One followed in her dad’s footsteps and started a family very young but instead of asking him for help she’s gone to good old wealthy granny who is now in her mid 80s. And so it goes on. Everything has become very transactional and based on perceived need. The money isn’t the issue (my DB was gifted a 3 bed house as well as endless childcare) but the portrayal of him as incompetent which has lasted so far from 21 to 51. He lives up to it because it means endless help. Guess who has DM for Christmas, birthday, Mother’s Day etc every single year?

My sister made a decision that has backfired a little bit and will be moving back in with our mum. Although my mum is elderly and disabled and there will be a lot of reciprocal support in that sense, I don't doubt that my mum will emotionally and initially financially support her to the absolute most of her capability. So will I. That's what I don't understand. I would never be resentful of either of them, I would help in that support.

I think yabu. This favouritism breeds resentment and you are penalising your other children for one child’s circumstances and consequences of decision making.
Life is not an even playing field and it’s possible there have been many times your other children have been on hard times and not told you.

I think this is key. Circumstances can change. The current receiving sibling may become more financially independent and need less help. The other siblings may hit difficulties that require additional support. As long as there is flexibility within 'the system' I don't see any problem with it.

I think what can go wrong in this situation is when ALL help of ALL kinds goes to the "disadvantaged" child, and the others are just left to lump it without anything.

For one, it creates an unhealthy dynamic where someone is always in the child-like receiver/dependent position. (And sometimes it can mean that there is an expectation on others to provide similar support, as if the adult child is incapable).

For two, however sensible or easy the others' lives seem, I bet you anything they live with a daily grind that just a bit of relief from you (leaving your perfectly capable daughter "short" once a month) would alleviate.

My mum is visiting soon, although as my brother lives nearby I feel like an afterthought. Because he needs ALL the support, even though I have a toddler, and just once I'd like them to spend a couple of hours on my house, rather than rushing off to bend their visit around his needs.

My parents spent years financially propping up my brother well over the 60k mark. Initially I understood but then it became him used to it rather then being financially responsible (he had custody of DN). He would always have the latest gadget, flash console etc.

It did breed resentment eventually and my mum realised she wasn't helping in the long run. She changed her will based on percentage up until a certain value and explained to my brother why. He went ballistic at first til he realised my mum wasn't budging and gave him the choice of repaying the money.

I wouldn't be so sure your other children aren't brewing resentment and it seems you have zero intentions of trying to balance it out at all.

‘rewarding’ poor decisions by your daughter and penalising your other children for being sensible?

of course they are, and making it clear who the favourite is. That's what so wrong in here.

I'm pretty sure that OP is up to date with how her daughter became a single parent and how much she earns. Even if she has made poor decisions which is common in all walks of life OP isn't going to let them sit in a cold house or miss meals. She's already said she works hard and doesn't go out spending her money on drinking or nights out.

My in-laws do this with brother in law. He’s the oldest, he’s not even poor, he’s married, have 2 kids but his wife decided she won’t work till their kids are in school, she’s pregnant with a third child now so who knows how long that’ll be but because she’s not working, they have zero fun money. They have a 4 bed house, 2 cars (bought when the cars were 3yo so not old bangers), they just cry poverty every time.
Every other person have a 2 income household in the family so we can afford our lifestyle but she won’t work, even MIL is 69 and she’s still working as a support worker so they can give money to them.
DH and his other brothers also used to support their parents but everyone has scaled back now because it seemed they have a lot and as a result, are giving more to these freeloaders.
They complain they don’t have much but still keep giving money to them so the ‘kids don’t miss out’.
None of them air their resentment to them and everyone acts cool but they’re all angry with the arrangement.

If you work full time, and so does your daughter, what exactly is this childcare? Evenings and weekends?

It also seems in direct contradiction to what you said in the OP.

We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues.

Often these patterns are not apparent to the people involved. They are so entrenched and have been going on for so long that people don’t notice. That’s why I’m suggesting that the OP reflects with an open mind. She could consider whether she has ever helped the others financially. Or whether she has different feelings about the ability of this child to look after herself. Or whether she shows concern for all her children.

YABU for not raising child to be independent and encouraging/enforcing that independence.

Toxic generosity

Really hard, but you need to address the fact that you aren’t present in other grandchildren’s lives, my kids were the forgotten ones by paternal grandmother, who even had the cheek to tell mine she treated them the same, so they know just what she is like! Her daughter was in minimum wage job, dropped out of school and years later she is involved with an alcoholic and mum is still bank rolling her despite her hubby earning £100k a year.
Your money you choose what to do but really unfair not to see the others as much.

Don’t be so ridiculous! The child is employed, but relationship has broken down and is a single parent with no involvement from the other parent. How is the a failure on the OP’s part?

I disagree, I don't agree with the narrative of "you must help them all equally" because that makes no sense.

I understand if you're supporting one child to make dumb decisions or party and use drugs etc but when one child clearly needs more support than others I would hope my other siblings are gracious enough to know how privileged they are and be supportive of helping their siblings who needs help. I don't get this mentality of calculating every penny and every hour a parent spends on sibling A with expecting that you must get the same.

That's the difference between equality and equity.

If one my children is doing well and stable and he or she is jealous of me supporting their sibling who is clearly struggling, I would be very disappointed.

I agree that support doesn't have to be 100% equal, but I think that diagram doesn't really represent what the OP is describing.

And I don't think, using the box example, that it's ever ok to give nothing to one child even when they don't need anything. What about giving them something because you love them and want to spend time with them?

My Mum provides a lot more support for my brother and his family as SIL's parents are dead, not financial but a lot more time and effort with his family.

I understand why she does this but I do find it difficult in a couple of regards. Firstly, she totally denies it for some reason when it's blatantly obvious. And the other is as a result, she is much closer to those Grandchildren which I find hard to see.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but obviously your actions may have consequences in turn with the relationships between your children and grandchildren.

Just my view. Plenty of people get by in the life without parental support as grown adults.