Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

[Oneisnotamused]

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

you think you are amusing but it's actually quite sad if you believe it's not possible.

Sometimes it's with the same partner, sometimes it means a new relationship and people needing to find the right partner to have amazing sex.

As long as you are both happy with it, who cares if you think "sex 3 times a week" is a ridiculous exaggeration, but it's quite depressing if you don't realise that it's a minimum for many couples

That's why many people walk out of a first marriage, because they're not compatible.

Newbie and don't know why it's posted here. Sorry!

I think the issue is you have put most long term marriages end up in the scenario you describe. I think most people acknowledge that sexual desire may decrease throughout a marriage but not for most people as you have suggested.

It's the reference to the "best friend" that is odd.

Saying that sexual sparks has gone and you feel like a sibling is yuk, but people understand the point.

Being horrified at the idea of sleeping with your best friend? What's wrong with that?

Then see my previous comment about having a choice to change it together, stay as is, or end the relationship.

Well, yes, it is like shagging my best friend. Because he is my best friend whilst also being simultaneously very attractive and, unlike anyone else, knows his way around my body in a way that a casual or new ‘shag’ wouldn’t. So, it’s better sex. I also don’t have to contort my body into looking thinner, less marked, ‘better’, because he has an internalised road map of it and he couldn’t give a fuck about any of my imperfections and I don’t give a fuck about having them so insecurity isn’t a thing and we are both absolutely comfortable in each others company.

Uh yeah it is like shagging my best friend because I literally am?
I don’t see how that’s a bad thing? The chemistry is great, but also we know each other inside out and can communicate openly about trying new things, what we like etc.

😂😂😂

I don't know anyone IRL who is having hot sex three times a week with their partners, unless it's a very new relationship.

I didn't say it's not possible. But I do find it odd that so many people say that this is them after X number of years. I see it often on threads.

It's well known that sexual desire tails off after the initial rush and that's ok.

Have you had a long term relationship? It’s not like that at all.

I don't talk about their sex lives with that many people to be fair, but the ones I speak with do have sex, or complain that they don't (and eventually the relationship doesn't end well)

In my limited experience, things seem to slow down a bit or stop completely around new babies, but get back to normal after!

Or, more often than not, most first relationships don't last that long,but the second one always sound a lot better. I don't know of any people who re-marry and end up having crap sex then.

I wonder if the posters saying it's an odd question to ask and those who are still lusty for their partners/ husbands for donkeys years are men.

I think it's women who suffer this problem mostly. It's even part of human evolution. A baby around every 4 years with a different man. Allows us to spread our genes.

You think I’m a man? Because I enjoy having sex with my husband?

are you not able to understand what she meant? I think it’s fairly obvious, you’re choosing to stand on your stool and clutch your petticoat and scream at the horror of it all. You know fine well she just meant that the attraction had died and it felt platonic. You’re not daft. You’re performatively shocked and baffled.

Well, I guess you don't know me IRL and my definition of 'hot' sex may not be the same as yours. However, after a number of years of us having very little sex for various reasons related to my MH and having young kids etc, I can confirm that some couples do come out the other side and into a place where frequency and pleasure increase again. Rediscovering each other in midlife turns out to be a whole lot of fun. And the more often we have sex, the more often we want to, it becomes self perpetuating.

😂😂😂
Who was best out of the 3?

Or maybe some people put the same time and energy into their marriage as they might if they were first dating. Perhaps those people feel the passion only grows as the connection deepens. That the trust I’ve built over decades and the true love shared creates a kind of raw passion you can’t have with a fleeting encounter with someone you don’t know that well.

To repeat - I haven't said that it doesn't happen! You've said that you had a few years of it not happening very much so it's not like it's been consistent for you over your marriage. I'm glad you've come out the other side and are enjoying that side of your relationship.

Every time there's a post like this, people jump on it to say that they have hot sex three times a week with their husband who they've been married to for X number of years. I honestly don't know anyone IRL who has that still and that's fine and perfectly normal. If you have that then great for you, but it's a well known phenomenon that it does tail off in long term relationships for a variety of reasons.

FWIW, I've had a relationship where I couldn't keep my hands off the guy but he had MH issues and was abusive. Had the sex not been so good, I would have left years before I did.

I've also had long term relationships where it has tailed off. And I'm in a new one where it could happen every day (or more) if we saw each other every day, and it's causing me a few gynae issues because of his size! But it would be perfectly fine if it did tail off a bit.

Bloody hell we've been together over 20 years both in our sixties and just had afternoon nooky I definitely don't do that with my best friend. This is a you problem not a long term marriage problem.

I've been with DH for 17 years definitely doesn't feel weird having a sex life with him! It definitely comes in peaks and troughs often around how crazy life is but definitely still fancy him and no friends zone.

We do make time for each other though even if it's having a cuddle in front of the TV.
Marriage does need continual work like any relationship.

@SereneCoralExpert

It's the reference to the "best friend" that is odd.
Saying that sexual sparks has gone and you feel like a sibling is yuk, but people understand the point.
Being horrified at the idea of sleeping with your best friend? What's wrong with that?

It’s really not that odd. For most of us there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with your best friend and this is the ideal of a happy marriage but for some people sexual preference and attraction is inherently linked to that which is new, different and illicit.

That doesn’t invalidate your sexuality or your marriage, but surely you can at least conceive of this being a factor for people?

The history of art and literature and popular culture is full of examples of people looking for novelty in sexual behaviour, from Shakespeare to Nabokov to Tolstoy to Eastenders. Therapy couches across the globe are full of people trying to work through this.

I dont understand why people are pretending this is such a difficult thing to grasp. Its one of the oldest stories in human behaviour.

huh?

Have we moved to a taliban regime or something? Women are not allowed to like sex and fancy their partner? Lust is a man's thing is it?

hush, you are trying to passively aggressively start a fight, you are not getting it with me, behave my dear.

Don’t hush me. are you a man? This shit isn’t normal on this post today. There’s nothing passive about me. This thread is weird, and your reply is is fucking sinister! That’s creepy af!

Or maybe some people put the same time and energy into their marriage as they might if they were first dating. Perhaps those people feel the passion only grows as the connection deepens. That the trust I’ve built over decades and the true love shared creates a kind of raw passion you can’t have with a fleeting encounter with someone you don’t know that well

They do indeed and good for them but I am not arguing that this doesn’t happen. I am saying that this isn’t a universal panacea for lack of sexual desire.

Sometimes people throw everything at maintaining the spark in their relationship and it’s not enough. Wanting it to be enough isn’t always enough.