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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

361 replies

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:18

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

OP posts:
Momager12345 · 30/12/2025 18:51

Honestly, I think there are a few factors to think about....how old are the kids? How much impact do they have on privacy? Sleep? Adult only time? Then next....did you fancy each other before the kids? Have you changed? Are your priorities different?
Other issues...are you menopausal? Has he become less attractive as a person or just physically?

We worked through some shit when we were definitely in a parent ditch but our late 40s and older children have brought about some closeness and intimacy...we needed to think back to who we were before 3 kids and work out who we wanted to be now they need us less and less on a daily basis

WhatMyNameis · 30/12/2025 18:51

Oh dear. It's not. It's really not. I think you need a new partner.

PetuniaT · 30/12/2025 18:55

Have you got personal experience of incest then? You're weird or just doing it wrong!

Hotterthebetter · 30/12/2025 18:57

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:47

My point is you don’t want to have sex with someone who you’re over-familiar with. Over familiarity kills lust, passion and desire after a while

It really doesn’t

notacooldad · 30/12/2025 18:59

Yes, still fancy my husband after 35 years. I think it helps that we don’t have children!
We have 2 children and still shagging! He still appears to fancy me and I definitely fancy him!🤷‍♀️

Atsocta · 30/12/2025 19:09

OP get over yourself, perhaps you should seek out a therapist…

truffleruffle · 30/12/2025 19:10

Chafing · 29/12/2025 11:24

Because we know every inch of each other and coming together is gentle, harmonious and natural. I can't imagine shagging a new bloke and him not knowing what makes me tick and vice versa 🤮
Still happily shagging after 36 years....

Same here, still have lots of fun together. This is indeed a strange view on long marriage.

LBFseBrom · 30/12/2025 19:11

UniquePinkSwan · 29/12/2025 11:22

After 20 years, I still actually fancy my husband. That’s how.

You are very fortunate!

skoosh · 30/12/2025 19:11

OP is unhappy and can only cope with it if she imagines everyone else is also secretly miserable. She'd be better off putting her energy into actually fixing her own problems than wallowing in her bucket of crabs mentality.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 30/12/2025 19:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

jen337 · 30/12/2025 19:13

Coffeeandbooks88 · 29/12/2025 11:43

I wouldn't know what shagging my siblings is like.

I avoided this problem entirely by marrying my brother.

Buffs · 30/12/2025 19:26

Agree

freakingscared · 30/12/2025 19:39

How old are you and how many long term relationships have you had ?

Ginagogo · 30/12/2025 19:48

I absolutely get where you’re coming from. I’ve been with my husband 10 years now and I don’t feel that way and we have sex often, however I had boyfriends before that felt more like a friend after a year, which ended pretty quickly as sex made me feel uncomfortable. I’m a bit worried about that becoming a thing with my husband, I don’t know if it will or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

RavenhairedRachel · 30/12/2025 19:50

Weird post

mcmooberry · 30/12/2025 19:52

This has happened to me in every long term relationship I have ever had no matter how much I couldn't keep my hands off them in the early stages. Am very surprised by the vote.

Mammajaz · 30/12/2025 19:54

I split up with my ex due to his acholism and controlling tendencies. As a single mum and now he's in recovery for over three years my take on it all is you fked and made them family hes older than me but I genuinely see him as my lil brother and if the shit hit the fan I have no doubt we would call eachother. No romantic feelings just the maturity to understand one another and respect

minthybobs · 30/12/2025 20:14

Sorry to hear your sex life is shit OP.

My husband is still sexy AF to me after 21 years. But then we always had a very strong physical attraction right from the start.

Luckyingame · 30/12/2025 20:16

Long term marriage - just is.
Someone said when I was a kid, after twenty years there is either hatred or love.
Guess I'm lucky, then. (Although I went off "shagging" at 42).
Fortunately and due to circumstances, no problem.

willowstar · 30/12/2025 20:23

I fell out of love with my husband and am separating from him. The sexual attraction went a long time ago. The lack of sex was a problem so I made myself do it for the last few years. So I sort of get where you are coming from. It is strange though that so many people have responded to say to go and have casual sex. Odd. Sex and love go hand in hand for me. The last thing I want is casual sex. I just don't want sex with my husband because the relationship has broken down.

FletchFan · 30/12/2025 20:25

Sex with my husband is better for now than it was when we first met in our late teens.

I had no idea what I was doing back then, or where certain erogenous zones were located.

Puppylucky · 30/12/2025 20:26

Chafing · 29/12/2025 11:24

Because we know every inch of each other and coming together is gentle, harmonious and natural. I can't imagine shagging a new bloke and him not knowing what makes me tick and vice versa 🤮
Still happily shagging after 36 years....

That's so beautiful and something I wish I had 😞

EdgeOfThirtySeven · 30/12/2025 20:37

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 17:16

I think people are scared of dealing with some fundamental truths because it scares them. I don’t doubt that the posters in long term marriages who are still happily shagging are - well, happily shagging. But what has surprised me on this thread is the swiftness and ferocity of some of those people - almost as though the very concept of what I’ve proposed is - I dunno - a bit too scary to even contemplate?

I love how you're setting yourself up as some kind of "fundamental truth teller", and that anyone who disagrees with you must be lying to themselves, or is a "pearl clutcher" 😆

WhatMyNameis · 30/12/2025 20:38

jen337 · 30/12/2025 19:13

I avoided this problem entirely by marrying my brother.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

Ritaskitchen · 30/12/2025 20:49

Nope, married 22 year. Still fancy my husband. Still love him. Love is an emotion. It’s also a choice and an action.
I made vows, I take them seriously. We have had amazing times and truly, truly awful ones.
But he definitely isn’t my platonic friend. He my husband and I’m his wife.