Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

[Oneisnotamused]

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

I’m with you on this one. Been married 20 years; don’t really fancy my husband much any more. There’s no flirting, no excitement, no lust. Of course mumsnet won’t agree; you’re either getting your ducks in a row to LTB or you’re madly in love with your husband like the day you first set eyes on him and the sex is explosive. There’s no in between, which is where most people are in real life after being with someone long term!

I do know of a couple with two young children who have been together over 20 years and love each other but have recently split as they are not INLOVE.
Lot of respect and will work together to support their children as they grow up. So it’s maybe just not about sex but about a relationship lacking excitement and looking forward to seeing your partner come home from work. Just missing that bit extra special something.

Eugh why would you even say that 🤮 30 years married and happy

What a very personal discussion to have on here! After 58 years of marriage I can honestly say I have never desired any other partner. We have built our relationship from scratch and neither have had sexual intercourse with any other person. My body is not a toy for anyone to play with and the thought of having had sex with anyone else I find repulsive. 'Keep ye, only unto him as long as ye both do live?' You bet.

If it feels like shagging your best friend, you're doing it wrong!

OMG! My wife thinks you are wrong. I agree. Meanwhile do read Swedish author August Strindberg on marriage. He was much more dramatic in his views on marriage. His wife’s name was “Siri” 😀

I totally get you OP. I think it’s lovely that couples can still be attracted to each other after years of being together but I think they are the lucky ones. Personally after being on my own for 7 years after 46 years of marriage I’m having an absolute blast!

I’m with you OP, I get what you mean.

You’re not, this is what happens. We put kids and life before each other and ultimately ourselves. Though more so from me. My DH is 9 years older, going deaf, eye sight getting worse, gained several stones in weight, going very bald, has some bad habits that are icky. Myself, I am getting slimmer (through stress mainly) and though my 40 years is starting to show I’m very conscious of wanting to look after myself so that I’m still desirable. I resent that DH doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate and that means I just don’t fancy him anymore. We have almost no sex life at all.

Crappy sex life atm due to young children BUT I do still look at my DH and think ‘ooh‘!!
He’s very handsome. The spark is sort of small right now but the flash point is still there in the background of the storm!!!! Married 12 years been together about 16 so some time has passed

I totally get you OP. Married nearly 20 years, both over 50, and I believe it would be like shagging my best friend now. Haven't had sex in 2 years. We don't talk about it. It's not an ick, per se. It is over familiarity. Washing dirty jocks etc, I mean it's hard to feel sexual desire. They say that if you haven't had sex for a year it's quite likely you won't have it again with that person. I don't know. Not sure if there is a solution.

33 years in, still fancy each other, still shagging and we’re older, uglier and fatter now too 🤣🤣

I never felt the ick but there have been times when sex has felt less important, generally when the kids were younger but for me coming off the pill and peri menopause has improved my sex drive. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am 47 been with my husband 25 years , married 10, We were together over 15 years before we had our two kids , My husband is still the hottest guy in the room ,I’m lucky he happens to be gorgeous but more importantly he’s interesting and funny and makes me laugh. We are not the gym bunnies we were of yester year ..,but still train and look after ourselves . He’s still physically attractive to me but we’ve loved each other at all sizes. He makes me feel better about myself , reminds me I’m still attractive . I started menopause in my late 30’s before my last baby and he was so supportive , it and I wasn’t easy …long term marriages :relationships don’t have to be a chore , but you both have to be on the same page, it may be an out dated view but I think sex is very important in a relationship, if lust is gone love alone won’t help a relationship long term.

Yep same here, we are mates who live together. I'm more than happy with this but not so sure he is. My issue may also be a menopause thing.

@Oneisnotamused Kind of unsure even how to respond here! The fact that you compared marriage to shagging your sibling/s is next level disturbing!!! I've 3 siblings, of which two are brothers and this post made me gag! I've never ever thought about sex with my sister either! I think that perhaps you should call up Talking Therapies and have a discussion with them about your thought process as this is deeply disturbing. I've two male best friends and have also never in my existence thought about having sex with either one of them! And I've known them for 22 years and 16 years! You could be going through some changes of life issues and best to call your doctor and make sure all is okay. Marriage is sacred and should never ever be thought of in this way no matter how bored you may be feeling. My suggestion is perhaps think about it in the reverse...Imagine your DP had written this comment and imagine your reaction at reading the fact that DP had compared having sex with you like sleeping with their sister or brother...Have you ever thought about communicating what it is that you want in the bedroom? It really is that simple! And if you're that bored, then I suggest breaking up and setting your poor partner free from your misery and your incestuous thoughts...Marriage is hard work and something that you need to put effort into DAILY! If you make no conscious effort to create intimacy throughout your day with your partner and then expect fireworks at night, then you're the problem and not your partner! And no, intimacy is not sex! And if you're watching porn on the daily, please stop as you are not building connection, but are building fantasy instead! Ask yourself what are you doing to bring the fireworks? Do some reading, ask ChatGpt, and attend a 'How to play the flute' workshop...There are loads of these workshops that you can attend! Laziness does not make-ith a marriage! When you stop expecting and start initiating, your partner will reciprocate! My neighbours are 82 and if these walls could talk!!! And if you're a man who wrote this, then you can always buy a workshop for your partner where you can both attend! Your post had loads of moaning, but zero solution or action being shown from your part! Sending you fireworks for 2026!

It does for some, not for everyone.

OP seems to think those where it doesn't are lying and quite defensive.

It would be one thing if OP had asked how those who've been in the same camp as her managed to move past the no sexual desire part, but it's the insinuating that every marriage/LTR feels like having sex with your brother.

That's just a weird way of thinking.
Clearly OP isn't happy in her marriage, but to try and bring everyone else down instead of asking for a help solving the issues shows she's bitter.

Loads of people feel this way, it's featured in lots of novels I've read too. I was madly, furiously in love and lust with my boyfriend I met at age 19. We were like two halves of one being, and we soon became a part of each other's families too. The sex burned out within a year and we truly did feel like siblings. I've never shagged a sibling but I began to feel the same feelings towards him that I do towards my family members ie deepest affection with no physical attraction.

I remember once my mum buying us both easter eggs, which was very cute but just added to the feeling we were siblings and not lovers.

We split up of course and I met DP many years later. We had a full two years of brilliant sex which is the best I think I could hope for. I managed it by not feeling that 'other half' feeling with him.

There are so many types of relationship. I have two friends just like me, and one who still has mad sex with her husband and loves it.

Not all long term relationships look the same.

There's some weird shit on the Internet but this wins tonights prize.
Happily shagging my gorgeous sexy husband for the last 28 years...he still makes me 😏

Long term marriage is like shagging your occasional nemesis.

I can’t understand a lot of these replies. Is it actually 1840? It’s a known fact that desire is likely to disappear over time. It’s normal to feel the way the OP does. Good for her for being honest. And people please stop getting so hung up on the ‘siblings’ thing - she was making a point, not being literal for gods sake.

I can’t understand a lot of these replies. Is it actually 1840? It’s a known fact that desire is likely to disappear over time. It’s normal to feel the way the OP does. Good for her for being honest. And people please stop getting so hung up on the ‘siblings’ thing - she was making a point, not being literal for gods sake.

but it's just as normal for desire not to disappear over time, and people who still fancy their long-term partner are just as honest

Why do you make it sound like people are lying?

It's just as "normal" for some people to want sex once or twice a month at most, that it is "normal" for others to think 3 times a week is not enough.

If you want honesty, accept other people experience!

to add: surely hearing other people's experience can also help a few, who can see that instead of being miserable and resigned to the curse of a sexless marriage, they have choices and options and can move on if they want.

If you are happy with what you have, great, but if you are not, you are not weird, unusual or stuck for the rest of your life.

Yes I think it can be difficult to keep the passion when you are in a long relationship- of course!
Its not a straightforward dichotomy between ripping each others clothes off every five minutes or being totally sexless either. It’s complicated.
I do fancy my dh and he fancies me, and the love is very deep. But real life can take over, and it’s not always an easy transition from moaning about work, worrying about kids, getting irritated about annoying habits and then getting down and dirty.
There are moments when the stars align, when we make each other laugh (which I find a turn on) seeing one another in social situations and feeling that attraction again. But often familiarity can feel.. familial and that’s not conducive to feeling sexy. Theres a reason people have affairs! A bit of strange is a powerful aphrodisiac.
I know many women and very few in long relationships are shagging like rabbits.

Maybe for you op but we don’t all have that experience . I’m in a 10 year relationship and am still very sexually attracted to my DH. I’m assuming you’ve not had a good long term relationship ? Not all matches work but when you find one that does it can be very fulfilling and sex doesn’t have to be boring just keep mixing it up.