My brother is dying, he doesn't want to tell his only daughter

[Lilmie]

My brother isn't particularly old, just 65. He has one daughter, she lives abroad and is 25. She was a much wished for child, my brother and his wife struggles immensely, refused fertility help on religious grounds and when she arrived she became everything to them. They had a nasty split, her mother was mentally unwell, she took his daughter back to her home country, he wasn't a lazy dad, he genuinely believed her mother would be happier at home and his daughter would be happier with a present and happy mum but soon after she moved her parents passed, then 6 years ago she took her own life, by this point his daughter was in another country from both of them, at university, where she has stayed since. He is fiercely protective of his daughter, visits as much as he can.

In late November he was diagnosed with cancer, terminal. He has refused treatment, he doesn't want the fuss of it and he won't be convinced not by us anyway. He is still relatively well in himself right now which I think may be why he is refusing treatment, nausea and fatigue but little else, but was told months at most without treatment.

Now his daughter is visiting over the new year, she is newly engaged, we are having a big family party. He doesn't want to tell her, not now, not before it's his final days. His argument is that it won't do anything to soothe grief, only start it earlier. He doesn't want her to worry, try to move back or panic.

I'm feeling very morally confused by it, on one hand I believe its his right to decide, on the other I don't want to lie to her, he plans to pass any illness off as feeling unwell, maybe the flu. He is quite a rigid and traditional man, he writes to her weekly, calls her but has no interest in a smart phone, so never FaceTimes. He was a tradesmen so email and phone calls were all his career asked of him, so she truly has no idea he is unwell. I also have a silent hope she might be the one person who could convince him into treatment, especially if she sold it as being around long enough to see her married, but I al think this is why he doesn't want her to know, or at least partially.

AIBU to want to tell her? I've spoke to him, he won't give me permission to so it would be against his will, which isn't something I want to do, but somewhat feel it may be necessary.

You should somehow engineer a way for her to find out, or at least become suspicious enough so that she asks him about his health herself.

Though how on earth you’d do this I have no idea. What an awful, sad situation. 🙁

He thinks he is being kind to his daughter but in reality he is stealing precious time from her. I think he owes it to her even though it will be so hard for him.

If he only has months left I think she needs to know. He could deteriorate soon, this could give her the chance to spend some last quality time with him which having lost her mum could be hugely beneficial to her mental health after.
I can understand waiting until after the engagement party, but I think she has a right to know, especially as others in the family know.

If you don't tell her, she will blame you after he's gone - which is far, far worse than your brother being angry with you for the time he has left.

That’s such a hard one. All you can do is keep up the communication with her and be there if she needs you.

Maybe he could leave her a letter to be opened after he’s gone, saying he didn’t want her to know or worry, hence he didn’t tell her?

I have said this, I told him that he is not saving her from unnecessary pain only removing her autonomy which isn't the same thing. He is so against causing a fuss though, a very stoic man, hates to be the cause of a fuss.

What an unenviable dilemma. One you can understand from either side.
I think I would have to say. What is your relationship like with her? She needs to know so she can decide what to do with what time is left with her dad. And she has already had a sad life. It may irreparably damage your relationships either way. And I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.

I am sorry you are faced with this x

I’d enlist the help of the MacMillan team, I’m hoping as it’s a terminal cancer he’s been signposted to them. They’re trained to help support in these difficult conversations and it would be a huge shock for his daughter if there was then a hospital admission for your brother and things escalated quickly.

im so sorry you’re going through this

I'd say our relationship is fairly neutral. We don't talk often but there is no ill feeling between us.

He has been signposted to various charities but refuses to engage with any, often pulls the "I can't decide when I die, but I can decide how, and I've decided I don't want a fuss".

I think it would be worth speaking to his GP perhaps and air your concerns and see if they will speak to him.
such a sad situation x

How difficult. She may want to bring her wedding forward to have him there. You mentioned religious grounds influencing him re fertility treatment would he speak with a vicar/minister in his religion.

I don't think you should say anything as that would be a complete betrayal of your brother's trust, however well-intentioned. I'd let him tell her in his own time.

It’s his decision, not yours.

Ultimately, it's his decision. You may disagree with him, and I can understand that, but it's his choice, and you should respect that. Don't interfere, don't go against his wishes, don't betray his trust at this point in his life.

Sorry that you are all going through this.

It would be really difficult and perhaps “wrong” to go against your brother’s wishes. I think you either have to engineer a way for her to discover herself or work on your brother (with lots of suggestions from here) so that the decision to share the news is his.

My dearest friend was given 10 months but died 6 weeks later before I could fly back to see her. She didn't even make it two months.

Hai daughter has had so much sadness in her life, give her the opportunity to be there for him.

Although it’s his decision she’s the one that needs to live with it. And the end may come much more rapidly than he is anticipating. She deserves to know now so they can have some good times together in the knowledge that it’ll probably be the last opportunity. Once his health declines and she flies back to be with him it’s going to be a very different type of relationship experience.

He needs to tell her so she can make decisions about what she wants to do with full knowledge so she doesn’t live with ‘if only’ hanging over her. How you convince him though I don’t know. So sorry OP.

I think you have to respect his decision, even if you don't agree with it. You've tried your best to get him to see your point of view and that's all you can do. To go behind his back would be a terrible betrayal I think.

This happened to my friend, she was younger, still a teen, none of her family told her her mother was dying. They thought they were protecting her. They weren't. I don't think she's every really gotten over the shock and the sense of betrayal.

She does need to know.

Personally I would tell her something. That her dad has some serious health stuff going on, if not the whole story.

Respect his wishes. He wants some normality in his life and with his daughter. Soon as she knows abut the cancer the relationship changes.

I’d tell her. She has a right to know that her only surviving parent will die soon. Poor woman has had such a tragic life so far.

My Mum was given 4-5 months but died 5 weeks and 3 days later. She was hoping to see her great grandchild born but it was not to be.

As hard as this must be for you, It isn’t your decision to make. Your brother has stated his wishes.It’s his life, his child, his right to refuse treatment if he feels it’s best for him. He likely won’t have gone into all the reasons why he’s arrived at the decision that he has. You really have no right to take that away from him.