My brother is dying, he doesn't want to tell his only daughter

[Lilmie]

My brother isn't particularly old, just 65. He has one daughter, she lives abroad and is 25. She was a much wished for child, my brother and his wife struggles immensely, refused fertility help on religious grounds and when she arrived she became everything to them. They had a nasty split, her mother was mentally unwell, she took his daughter back to her home country, he wasn't a lazy dad, he genuinely believed her mother would be happier at home and his daughter would be happier with a present and happy mum but soon after she moved her parents passed, then 6 years ago she took her own life, by this point his daughter was in another country from both of them, at university, where she has stayed since. He is fiercely protective of his daughter, visits as much as he can.

In late November he was diagnosed with cancer, terminal. He has refused treatment, he doesn't want the fuss of it and he won't be convinced not by us anyway. He is still relatively well in himself right now which I think may be why he is refusing treatment, nausea and fatigue but little else, but was told months at most without treatment.

Now his daughter is visiting over the new year, she is newly engaged, we are having a big family party. He doesn't want to tell her, not now, not before it's his final days. His argument is that it won't do anything to soothe grief, only start it earlier. He doesn't want her to worry, try to move back or panic.

I'm feeling very morally confused by it, on one hand I believe its his right to decide, on the other I don't want to lie to her, he plans to pass any illness off as feeling unwell, maybe the flu. He is quite a rigid and traditional man, he writes to her weekly, calls her but has no interest in a smart phone, so never FaceTimes. He was a tradesmen so email and phone calls were all his career asked of him, so she truly has no idea he is unwell. I also have a silent hope she might be the one person who could convince him into treatment, especially if she sold it as being around long enough to see her married, but I al think this is why he doesn't want her to know, or at least partially.

AIBU to want to tell her? I've spoke to him, he won't give me permission to so it would be against his will, which isn't something I want to do, but somewhat feel it may be necessary.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You must see how difficult a position your dad put her in? She couldn’t win either way.

It's his private medical information to share with whom he chooses. Don't betray that trust.

This, broadly speaking.

it is cowardly of your brother to want to avoid witnessing his daughter’s distress. How convenient for him to prefer to fade without having to be confronted with other people’s emotion.

Please understand that your niece’s trauma will be so much greater if she has no opportunity to make her peace and prepare herself. For your brother to keep secrets after her mother’s suicide seems close to a cruelty.

Having said all this … as a huge number of posters have said, it isn’t your place to tell the niece. Please do try to prevail on him to be honest and transparent.

wishing you all the best, in such sad circumstances.

Sometimes decisions are demonstrably poor.

OK- you don’t care about the distress you cause your children. You do you.
But if you keep pretending with a terminal diagnosis you are at (very high) risk of dying with insufficient pain relief, inappropriate care, and no dignity at the end. I’m just a randomer on the internet that saw someone I love die in a way that would be prosecuted if done to an animal, because they made the series of bad choices you are proposing for yourself.

make whatever choice you like, but do yourself the favour of making an informed choice.

I think you should seek guidance from professionals. Start with the presumption you are not the one to tell his daughter though.

If someone has a terminal diagnosis then they should be encouraged to do what they want for themselves. It would be cruel to guilt trip them into doing something they didn’t want even if it was a poor decision. It’s a ridiculous leap to suggest that just because someone wouldn’t want to share they own diagnosis that they ‘
don’t care about the distress they cause their children. It doesn’t work like that. It might just be that they literally can’t cope with sharing their diagnosis however ‘bad’ a decision that is.

id advise someone to share the information but I wouldn’t do it without their consent.

OP should definitely receive support from professionals herself but I wouldn't expect that they can offer much more than that even if they personally disagree with her brothers decision.

It’s OP’s decision.

Her brother’s decision was who he tells.

This is a very unusual and horrible situation to be in. The case for staying quiet is strong but I think the case for telling her is even stronger.

They aren’t trampling over his decisions. He’s presumed to control someone else’s decision.

Usually the case for keeping a confidence like this is strong (someone else’s medical info). But he doesn’t acquire ownership of her when he tells her. This is a moral decision for her to make now. His choice was to put her in this position.

@Lilmie, sorry haven’t read all the replies, but MacMillan are there for you as well. Your brother doesn’t have to be involved or identified. Just ring and see what their counsellor has to say.

I bet it's more common that what we think, just look at some of the pp's who are in or have had similar situations.

and when you add the other way around too plus children etc? When my son had cancer (not terminal), I didn't tell him straight away though the plan was to always tell him eventually.

Yes maybe it is more common. It’s certainly a horrible position to be in. Like being asked to conceal an affair, except with only innocent parties, one of whom is going to feel horribly betrayed whatever one does.

I hope your son is better now.

It is a horrible position to be in.

With my son, I had some pressure from a few nurses who disagreed so much with my decision that they went to his consultant with their concerns and I ended up having a meeting with his consultant about it plus a cancer social worker offering to tell my son 'for me' which I outright refused. I felt incredibly strongly about the decision and still to this day know it was the right decision but it didn't feel nice having others basically tell me they believed they knew better than me even if their intentions were good and obviously it's going to even more emotionally charged with a terminal diagnosis.

Family members agreed with me but if someone had told him against my wishes because they thought it was the right thing to do, I never would've forgiven them.

He's doing well now thanks, been in remission for over a year.

My Mum didn’t want to tell me about her terminal cancer diagnosis. Thankfully my dad overrode her and told me. I was furious when I found out, as she had a history of misguidedly trying to protect me (not letting me go to funerals until I was virtually an adult!) that did damage in the long run. I still feel anger when I think of it, nearly 30 years later.
I think your brother is selfish in the extreme not to tell his daughter, and I would tell her in these circumstances.

She lost her mother to suicide. And now your brother is asking the entire family to celebrate with her while knowing what she doesn't. You don't have to do this - the grief around his death is unavoidable but this will highly likely cause significant secondary trauma.

I agree. I have personally been in various aspects of this situation 3 times now. It was always painful and difficult particularly when I was on the receiving end of the secrecy. STILL I think its the sole right of the ill person themselves to decide who is told what and when. I agree that they may make a bad decision.

Whatever you do, I think there’ll be anger directed at you. It’s common in grief situations.
If you tell her, you risk your brothers anger, if you don’t and his dd finds out, expect her anger to be directed at you.
I’d try to convince him further or tell him that you want to tell her because you love both of them and the truth out in the open is the healthiest for everyone.

The daughter may also be angry with the OP for going against her father's wishes. Additionally, she may feel that the OP has now dumped the problem onto her because she will feel that she has to pretend to her father.

Someone I know used to speak to their cousin weekly on the phone
They did not disclose that they had cancer
It was their choice

After their death, the cousin phoned & asked why they were not told.
I said that it was their wish that very few people were told. The cousin was very hurt.

Life still goes on

you are being massively unreasonable. It’s not up to you to start thinking of your feelings as above his at this time or his daughters. I understand why you are doing so but they are for you to manage and not for your brother to have to change his wishes to accommodate. It is his life and his disease. He is competent. Let him be. Do not tell his daughter. Why would you ruin your relationship and last memories of your brother. He would rightly hate you. I can’t believe you would think that your wishes supercede his when it’s his life and death.

@Calamitousness the poster is thinking about his daughters feelings in all this and all the reasons you have stated could also be used as a reason FOR telling her. The daughter may be robbed of precious last moments with their dad and no relationship moving forward with their aunt. For GOOD reason.

@stomachamelon No. My point is it’s only the persons who is ill’s choice. Not anyone else’s despite their likely feelings. The point is he is allowed to make his own decisions about his life and health whether or not they are the correct decisions for his daughter/family. They are correct for him at this time and that may change. Again. His choice. People need to stop thinking their opinions/feelings/needs supercede others. This is not his sisters business other than for her to feel desperately sad and sorry for her brother. That does not give her the right to decide what she thinks or wants should be prioritised over that of her brother.

It's his choice to make.