My brother is dying, he doesn't want to tell his only daughter

[Lilmie]

My brother isn't particularly old, just 65. He has one daughter, she lives abroad and is 25. She was a much wished for child, my brother and his wife struggles immensely, refused fertility help on religious grounds and when she arrived she became everything to them. They had a nasty split, her mother was mentally unwell, she took his daughter back to her home country, he wasn't a lazy dad, he genuinely believed her mother would be happier at home and his daughter would be happier with a present and happy mum but soon after she moved her parents passed, then 6 years ago she took her own life, by this point his daughter was in another country from both of them, at university, where she has stayed since. He is fiercely protective of his daughter, visits as much as he can.

In late November he was diagnosed with cancer, terminal. He has refused treatment, he doesn't want the fuss of it and he won't be convinced not by us anyway. He is still relatively well in himself right now which I think may be why he is refusing treatment, nausea and fatigue but little else, but was told months at most without treatment.

Now his daughter is visiting over the new year, she is newly engaged, we are having a big family party. He doesn't want to tell her, not now, not before it's his final days. His argument is that it won't do anything to soothe grief, only start it earlier. He doesn't want her to worry, try to move back or panic.

I'm feeling very morally confused by it, on one hand I believe its his right to decide, on the other I don't want to lie to her, he plans to pass any illness off as feeling unwell, maybe the flu. He is quite a rigid and traditional man, he writes to her weekly, calls her but has no interest in a smart phone, so never FaceTimes. He was a tradesmen so email and phone calls were all his career asked of him, so she truly has no idea he is unwell. I also have a silent hope she might be the one person who could convince him into treatment, especially if she sold it as being around long enough to see her married, but I al think this is why he doesn't want her to know, or at least partially.

AIBU to want to tell her? I've spoke to him, he won't give me permission to so it would be against his will, which isn't something I want to do, but somewhat feel it may be necessary.

One of the “benefits” of being an adult is the freedom to make terrible choices. We accept that we will have to accept the consequences of our crappy decisions.

He is making a rubbish choice, and he will come to rue it, in his last weeks days and hours. She is going to find out, and he will be seeing her distress. He is going to deprive her of the opportunity to spend time with her dying father- what an atrocious thing to do. This talk of no fuss - what does it mean? It means lies and pretence.

But that’s his choice- he has the right to do that to delude himself it’s in her best interests for him to do so.

The thing is though, you are an adult who can make choices too, even ones he sees as bad.

You shouldn't interfere with his end of life decisions. That is his private medical info to be shared as he chooses to.

I guess you have to respect his (terrible) decision...
But you also have the right to make decisions, and should you decide to tell her (or heavily hint) then I'm sure she will be grateful, and you know, he won't be around (sorry to put it bluntly) but you and she will.
Or maybe she will simply notice that he doesn't look well.
Hope it all works out for the best.

Don’t tell her OP. It would be so wrong of you to do that. It’s your brother’s decision, and it might actually be the right one.

It has to be his decision even if you don't agree with it. It really isn't your place to go against that and tell her.

Slightly different as it was my child who had cancer and it wasn't terminal but I made the decision not to tell him straight away. I know for certain some people, including nurses at the hospital, thought it was the wrong decision but I'd make the same decision today as I did back then. I did always plan to tell him eventually though.

Your relationship with your niece, and more importantly her access to support from you when he is gone, might depend on what you do now. His wishes are important, but so also are hers. It’s a huge dilemma but if his reasoning is not to cause a fuss and her ignorance being bliss then it might not be so much about his own medical privacy. In your position I might accept I was going to have to strongly put forward an opposing view to his even if it causes an issue between him and you. Tell him that you want to still be able to be a trusted and supportive aunt to your niece when he is gone which not telling her could jeopardise. And then, if he still cannot be moved, consider telling her anyway. There is no issue in their relationship and she deserves to make some choices herself.

You aren't be unreasonable to want to tell your niece, but you would be completely unreasonable to actually do so.

If he has a terminal diagnosis, what benefits would treatment give to him? If it's more time, maybe he doesn't want it.

What a difficult situation! I agree that his daughter should know but equally you don’t want to jeopardise your relationship with your brother.

Also how long does he intend keeping it secret? Until he is very unwell/in a hospice? Until he has gone? She has to find out sooner or later and it seems selfish on his part to take away her chance to spend time with him or at least process the news before it’s too late.

Not only is he not saving her from unnecessary pain, he is going to actually cause her unnecessary pain. He's clearly not thinking straight. She will be devastated that he kept this secret from her, does he not realise that?

She's going to have to be told at some point. Has he said when? When he's dying and can't properly communicate with her? It sounds so cruel to do that to her and it will certainly cause a fuss.

There are three things here, which should not be conflated.

The first is that your brother is dying
The second is that he is refusing treatment
The third is that he’s not telling his daughter of his diagnosis

Telling his daughter of her father’s diagnosis does not mean that she should be expected to try to change his mind about treatment. It means that she will know that her time with her father is limited. It also would mean that your relationship with your brother would be affected, possibly very badly. If you don’t tell your niece, that will most likely affect your relationship with her in the long term. So it’s probably a choice between the two relationships and no one can make that call for you.

so sorry for the situation your family is in.

Wow this hit home…. I have a terminally ill brother too, with months to live.
I can really sympathise with both sides but on balance I think you should support your brother’s wishes.

I see my own brother’s life shrinking, his choices reducing every day. There is very little he can control in his life. But information is something he can control. My brother did this with his cancer announcement- it meant an enormous amount to him that he got to choose who to tell and when to tell them. And when he found out it was terminal- again he wanted to be in control of who he told and how. I refrained from disclosing to key family members until he was ready - and he was very grateful for this.
A PP said people have the right to make crap decisions and so even if you don’t agree, please respect his wishes. Think of it as a kindness you can do for your brother in his last months….I think I see it as a deathbed request if you get what I’m saying? You are doing something that is important to him even though it is difficult for you, because he is dying. That’s how I would explain it to your niece….eventually
I’m so sorry we are both going through this , it’s awful.

I would prioritise daughter ahead of dying man, sorry. He’ll be angry for few months and she has lifetime of regret ahead of her.

I agree with the person who said the decision over treatment is separate from the issue of him telling his daughter.

If he's terminal, with likely only a few months, then any 'treatment' will be to manage symptoms and to give some more months of life possibly; it won't be to cure anything. It's a very personal decision, I have regrets about one of my relative's decisions to bother with treatment, I think often you feel obliged to do so, but the unpleasantness of the treatment (usually chemo, possibly radiotherapy) is so high, and the benefit not that long, that it probably wasn't worth it and also made their final months very difficult.

In terms of telling his daughter, I think that's for him to tell. It may be that he's worse than you think he will be when she arrives and she gets suspicious or asks about it. I would say to him I'm not going to tell lies for you, but I won't tell her- and if she asks you, I'd say 'ask your dad, it's not my news to tell' and that will alert her that bad news is on the way whilst giving him agency over the situation.

There's nothing worse than being the object of pity, and I get why he wants to do things his way. I'm not sure her knowing in advance will help massively, I would encourage her to see her dad due to his 'health issues' without disclosing what they are, but tell him you won't lie if asked, but will refer on to him.

I’m sorry @caringcarer 💐

My parent was given 6 months and died 6 days later. It’s really hard to deal with thinking you have limited time left with your loved one and then for that to be snatched away too.

From a medical perspective the problem with his approach is that he thinks going downhill may be a linear event, and that he can announce it at some chosen moment to her, and then only slowly deteriorate. In truth, with untreated cancer he could drop dead at any point from things like blood clots, or just rapidly decompensate (so perhaps all is fine and then suddenly an organ packs up, followed very rapidly by others over a few hours or days), and so she doesn’t get time to see him. So his death may be a massive sudden shock to her, which given context of maternal suicide could be horrific. Sorry you’re in this dilemma, but I would spell out to him that he has no real control about the future if he is not having active treatment.

Two separate issues:

• Treatment. I have seen my mum and MIL go through cancer treatment. I am not sure many people understand how horrible chemo can be. If it's terminal anyway, he could be looking at torturous extra few months. I understand this decision.

• Telling his daughter. I think you have to tell her. My grandpa died of cancer and no one told me he was sick etc, it was never discussed. I was a teenager and I found it so confusing. My mum then didn't tell me she herself had cancer until after her mastectomy and a very bleak diagnosis. I was suddenly bombarded with a ton of information and the prospect of losing her within months. It was confusing and it made me angry with her, a feeling I was obviously very conflicted about. This whole secrecy thing makes the sick person feel better, like they are in control, but it's horrible for everyone else that has to live with the aftermath.

I personally think this is his decision to make, though I understand your reasons for wondering what to do.

As well as wanting to protect her, he probably wants to protect their relationship, which will change the moment she knows he has a terminal illness (and make it all more real for him and he may not be ready yet)

I would gently suggest that any protection of her now will come at a cost later when she is having to process everything and wishing she had time to do that while he was alive. I couldn't ask my dad anything about his wishes after his death as he was taken suddenly. I also didn't have my dad's guidance at a time when I needed it the most. Had we talked about death beforehand I'd have felt I had some 'support' I know that sounds strange but his words would have helped.

Maybe realising this would sway your brother. I think ultimately it's his decision. I'd leave it until after the party maybe.

In terms of treatment it can go either way. There are people who live for years and years after a terminal diagnosis where they were only given months. Then others who pass quicker than expected. Doctors can only say what's typical but they do not know each individual's course of illness. I wish for you all to have a lot more quality time together.

My MIL had a diagnosis of terminal cancer with just a few months to live. One week she walked through the village stopping to chat with neighbours and the next week she was dead. You can deteriorate so quickly.

I would not deny her the chance to spend time with him now.

And you know, he might not actually mind. He might be secretly grateful that he got to see her one last time and was able to tell her he loved her and say goodbye.

As well as wanting to protect her, he probably wants to protect their relationship, which will change the moment she knows he has a terminal illness

Remember that your niece will still have a relationship with her father after he has died. That will be affected by what happens or does not happen between now and his death.

I’m sorry OP but I think she needs to know, after reading all of PP’s posts.
The estimate of time left can be so inaccurate or potentially maybe accurate. Given that it’s months only I think she needs to know somehow. I understand his decision though there’s a lack of plan regarding when he’d let her know. She would be heartbroken to discover that she could have prioritised time with him before he goes. People who are dying should have respect for their choices, however when it would seriously affect those left behind and lead to questioning as part of their grief, I think a balance needs to be found. So that she can spend the time she needs with him, surely he’ll want that with her too? Why wouldn’t he? He can be as headstrong as he wants but he does need to have that time with his DD.

But you say you see your brother, as hard as it is, every day. This man's daughter lives abroad. This young woman has had so much sadness and tragedy in her life, does she not deserve to know that her visit could be the last time she sees him.

I think you have to be blunt with him. He loves his daughter yes? Then let her have her goodbyes. Not much is worse than a parent dying suddenly without being able to say goodbye. He will cause her more hurt his way. Is he being stoic or is he avoiding any last conversations she may want to have? I feel for him massively- of course (and you for the position he has put you in) but his dd should know the truth, it may well help her through her grieving.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh - it isn’t supposed to and I feel for you so much

I’m with @Fleetbug. This is his decision to make.

I do think though that you can work on your relationship with your niece. Ask her when she’s next coming over. Invite her maybe. She is going to need you.

I think this is what to tell him - he’s likely to be the cause of her future long term distress if he isn’t upfront with her

The more I think about it the more tempted I am to agree with this.