My brother is dying, he doesn't want to tell his only daughter

[Lilmie]

My brother isn't particularly old, just 65. He has one daughter, she lives abroad and is 25. She was a much wished for child, my brother and his wife struggles immensely, refused fertility help on religious grounds and when she arrived she became everything to them. They had a nasty split, her mother was mentally unwell, she took his daughter back to her home country, he wasn't a lazy dad, he genuinely believed her mother would be happier at home and his daughter would be happier with a present and happy mum but soon after she moved her parents passed, then 6 years ago she took her own life, by this point his daughter was in another country from both of them, at university, where she has stayed since. He is fiercely protective of his daughter, visits as much as he can.

In late November he was diagnosed with cancer, terminal. He has refused treatment, he doesn't want the fuss of it and he won't be convinced not by us anyway. He is still relatively well in himself right now which I think may be why he is refusing treatment, nausea and fatigue but little else, but was told months at most without treatment.

Now his daughter is visiting over the new year, she is newly engaged, we are having a big family party. He doesn't want to tell her, not now, not before it's his final days. His argument is that it won't do anything to soothe grief, only start it earlier. He doesn't want her to worry, try to move back or panic.

I'm feeling very morally confused by it, on one hand I believe its his right to decide, on the other I don't want to lie to her, he plans to pass any illness off as feeling unwell, maybe the flu. He is quite a rigid and traditional man, he writes to her weekly, calls her but has no interest in a smart phone, so never FaceTimes. He was a tradesmen so email and phone calls were all his career asked of him, so she truly has no idea he is unwell. I also have a silent hope she might be the one person who could convince him into treatment, especially if she sold it as being around long enough to see her married, but I al think this is why he doesn't want her to know, or at least partially.

AIBU to want to tell her? I've spoke to him, he won't give me permission to so it would be against his will, which isn't something I want to do, but somewhat feel it may be necessary.

Tell her. You’re the one who will have no relationship with your neice when he’s gone and make it so she’ll have nobody to lean on. He’s being selfish. Tell him either he tells her or you will.

I totally disagree. He’s leaving them all in the shit after he’s gone while they try and pick up the pieces.

Secrets destroy families and relationships.

My family has been destroyed this year by my father hiding a diagnosis and only telling my brother.

Even if by telling them you could help them navigate that grief and ultimately make it easier for them to deal with? They’re also unlikely to look back on the special time with fondness once they realise it was engineered without their knowledge. The shock of losing a parent suddenly then finding out that parent knew for a while they were dying is going to be a huge blow to deal with.

What could treatment do for him? Many cancers now are terminal, ie, no cure, but with treatment you can live with some cancers for many years. I think his DD deserves to know and have the chance to persuade him into treatment, there could be some very awkward conversations later about why no one got him to have treatment and why she knew nothing about what was going on. Even if she would just have liked to spend more time with him she will feel cheated.

If she learns the truth after his death that’s going to colour her memories of their last ‘happy’ moments together. If she’s given the knowledge of his prognosis before he dies she can choose how to handle herself, it’s unlikely to cause her to panic, most people will do what they can to make their parent’s last few months happy and comfortable. Having that chance to show you care and express your love helps you deal with the grief knowing you did all you could for them while you got the chance. If however, she finds out in the final few days, or worse, she doesn’t get the chance to fly back in time, then the grief and aftermath for her could be catastrophic considering her past. She may also want her dad present at her wedding and losing the chance to do that could tarnish that happy event for her too.

His sister doesn’t have to betray him, but he does need to understand the consequences of his choices on his daughter if there are aspects he hasn’t already considered.

I'm sorry to be blunt, OP, but he's right. Generally, none of us decide when we die, but sometimes we can choose how. He's made his choice. It's not up to you to agree to it; it's up to you to respect it and him. YABVU.

I don't understand how he can be so cruel to his daughter. If I was her I would think that he didn't care about me at all.

You can rationalise it morally any way you like, but those memories will be tainted either way. Bottom line is he has said this is essentially his dying request. It’s not OP’s place to get in between a man and his daughter like this. He’s making his decision and his daughter will deal and mourn.

The person holding the burden right now is the one dying and it’s absolutely up to him how it is handled.

Shouldnt really even be listening TBH.
Its breaking confidentiality even acknowledging that someone is registered at the practice..

hmm but once he´s dead it will be the op who will be left with the brunt of the daughter´s displeasure. I have had stuff hidden from me and I do have to confess that those who knew and colluded have negative footnotes on their profiles...we are humans, you knew and didn´t tell me, laughing behind my back yadayadayada Every relative under the sun knows, but his daughter.

this.

They can listen without confirming they are the patient's doctor. They may also know because the relative has eg passed messages, taken the patient to the surgery or similar. I used to work for the NHS in the community and have also been involved in end of life care for several family members.

As someone who has terminal cancer I would be furious if you went behind my back . It's his decision not yours.

Why do you think your father made those choices? What do you think was going on for him, and do you think you would make the same choice in his position?

No I don’t think I would have made the choice. Occasionally I have thought maybe it would be better to tell no one until it was impossible not to.

I really don’t know why he made that choice, I was his number one person in the world, the only one that visited him during his seven week hospital stay.

I will never know if it was protect me, for him to avoid talking about it or if he was in completely denial.

I am at peace now and I do feel privileged that he wanted me around for the last part of his life even though I didn’t realise until the last week that he was dying.

Thank you, and I’m sorry you lost your Dad, and were faced with that burden.

I think you respect your brothers wishes. Yes it’s depriving his daughter of spending precious time with him but that’s assuming she would want to. She has made a life for herself abroad, their relationship although close is a long distance one, and it may not be easy for her just to drop everything for an indeterminate length of time.
In many respects as he’s outwardly reasonably well at the moment I can see where her dad is coming from in not wanting to worry her, and to me, calling him selfish is being very unkind. To tell her now which he doesn’t want to do would serve only to put a real dampener on a happy time.
Having said that I am not saying that the way he wants to handle the situation is right if only because it has placed the OP in an unenviable position. If I was her I wouldn’t stop trying to persuade him to let his daughter know but I wouldn’t myself do so.
It’s difficult to say how I would feel in the daughters position but I’d like to think I could find it in myself to accept that it was dads way of doing things and that it had saved me a lot of worry.

Too bad! OP can just refuse to take the brunt or suck it up!

The man knows his daughter better than anyone and has decided this is best for him and their last months together.

Your job is to persuade your brother to change his mind and not for you to tell his daughter

OP, you respect your brother's choices. That is the least I would expect from someone. You don't have to agree with him, but he presumably chose to tell you in the belief that you would support him. So that's what you do.

Well, at least this thread has shown me that if/when I receive a terminal diagnosis, I should absolutely keep it to myself and tell nobody. There are a shocking number of people here who think they "know better" and think it's appropriate to wade in and trample over a person's own decisions.

It will largely depend on the type of cancer he has and I'm going to assume it isn't one of those cancers that you can live with for years and die with it rather than from it.

Declining treatment is a valid choice if it is terminal due to the horrendous side effects of chemotherapy. It may prolong his life but he may not want to live another few months if it is just filled with side effects of chemo.

That has to be his choice too.

She doesn't "have a right to know". Nobody does, apart from the patient themself. This is confidential medical information.

It’s his decision. It isn’t a good decision but it’s up to him.

His wish to avoid lengthy grieving for his daughter is hugely misplaced, and I'd guess the motivation on his part is denial, not genuine care for his child.

How will she feel when the truth finally comes out? It will be devastating for her, and she'll look back at letters and phone calls during the time he hid his diagnosis from her with a sense of bewilderment, abandonment, and shock. It will be incredibly traumatic for her.

Please take the bull by the horns here and tell her.