AIBU to be angry / hurt - DP missed Dc first Xmas

[Alwaysaxmasdrama12]

I will try not to drip feed.
DP and I have 1 DC ( very very newborn ) I have older children and he has no other children.
when discussing what was happening for Xmas I knew I would be giving birth shortly before.
He told me he wanted us to spend it together at home.
usually me and my older children would spend it with my family and my parents house.
he said he would pop to his parents house in the morning and I would do the same and then spend from late morning at home.
spoke to my family and told them we wouldn’t be coming for Xmas dinner.
I did the food shopping / organising and cooking.
Xmas day I don’t hear from him until gone 6 pm saying due to some change of plans with his family it ended up being later but that he was going to make his way now. Told him not to bother - the kids and a wonderful day with me and all had a good dinner and are now chilling - stay at his parents to avoid an argument that would ruin Christmas.
he is now extremely mad at me that I kept him from seeing his DC on Xmas day.

that wasn’t ny intention but I knew I was upset - I knew there had been some drama with his family and didn’t want to bring it back in to the home Xmas day.

People are trying to talk some sense into you

But what sense in to me .. not at any point have I not agreed or defended his actions.

Simple

If he wanted to he would

If he wanted to see his baby and his partner on Xmas day he would, he didn’t.

I think that’s enough to know this man isnt worth it

Sums it up.

He would argue that he tried to contact you at 6pm, but that was after not contacting you for most of the day, and choosing to eat his Christmas lunch elsewhere, despite knowing that you, his partner and mother of his newborn child, was cooking for him.

I'm assuming 'legal protection' is the loss of benefits if he were to be officially living with OP.
This is a tale as old as time.

I think the only thing you did ring was banning him returning to his own home. Everything else - he was a dick

No it really is not but again thanks for the assumption.
not that it would make me a bad person if I was on benefits but I am not.

But it’s not his own home, is it? (Actually makes it worse, as he’s a very thoughtless guest on top of everything else)

This little line in the op tells you everything you need to know…

“I did the food shopping / organising and cooking.”

Another useless man. Another child being born into a depressing domestic situation. Sigh.

this is getting out of hand.

so update on the currently situation - it is now the 29th of December and I have not just let him walk back in. He has seen his DC because there is no reason for him not to.

I am a working mum who has my own home which was mine and my husbands. I have a good career although by mumsnet standards probably still scraping the barrel. My husband also had a good a career. The not uprooting my children to a new home was for reasons that was best for them.

DP and I had worked together in the same industry for many years prior to us ever getting together. He is not a stranger or something I just jumped in to bed with and fell pregnant with without knowing.
it has been 3 years but prior to this for my
children’s sake we had taken it slowly in terms of not rushing to move in full time etc

I fell pregnant - I didn’t have to go through with it. We discussed it and we decided together to keep the baby.

he financially contributed to all prep for baby, helps pay the bills when he is here but I don’t really need to ask him for money above this as I have my own.

This was not a case of a women with Mutiple children with diff bad partners dodging the benefits system who had a baby without the other party wanting one.
I am just a mum who has raised my children through some really tough times no fault to anyone including my own whilst keeping my house and job.

there was no reason for me not to go ahead with the pregnancy or bring this “ poor “ child in to the world when I know I can financially and emotionally raise them regardless.

I think you handled this as well as you could in such disappointing circumstances. YANBU to be angry/hurt; nobody needs to ‘talk sense’ into you; well done on being clear-headed around your house and your expectations. Dont let anybody here criticise you for his poor behaviour or for any other mythical circumstances that have been conjured up. Have some New Year flowers 💐

Sorry that lots of people have made some assumptions about you.

The question is how do you feel about it all and what do you want?

we can only discuss our own feelings. If I had a new born and partner I would have expected my partner to be there with me to not only eat but also help cook the dinner if we are meant to be a partnership.

I can’t help but wonder if he ate at his mum’s home and that was her intention all along/ eat / drink there and finally stumble back to you.

it’s as if your relationship is unrecognised by his family.

Is the issue with his parents maybe not accepting you relationship? Did they not want to see the baby?

Odd why his family did not want to all come over to see the wee baby have his first Xmas. My in laws would have been over to have a cuddle

It all does seem a bit strange sorry.

At the very least I would have expected DP mom to be worried about you being left all day alone with the new born and other kids and urging him to get back to you or at least call

Ultimately are you happy with things otherwise?

Yes contrary to belief the actual relationship otherwise has been very straight forward and I have been happy for the first time in years.

I have to say we had obviously knew eachother for a long time, I had got married and had children fairly young. He has always been dedicated to the job and had not settled down. He did however have a “ free life “
he has no prior commitments where as I did.
he has treated my children always with kindness and respect without pressuring them and understanding that they may be sensitive to a “ new man “ around the house. There has been some very minor teething issues around his mums opinion on him settling down with a whole family but he has always defended me on this.
He is helpful around the house and more so the horses in which he has 100 percent has had to take the load at work regarding the call outs since the pregnancy etc
I really don’t know what happened regarding the Christmas but I am making sure he realises it was wrong and that I was hurt.

Honestly it sounds like being your boyfriend and not a stepdad/live-in partner suited him well before the baby came along. I think he actively chose to stay and have some drinks with his brother because he prefers an existence where you're just one component of his life and not the centre of it.

My mum's best friend had a husband like this. They ended up divorcing and then shortly after he moved back in. They split their house into two homes so they could both come and go as they pleased with occasional companionship.

If you don’t sift that Christmas Day pan, you want your head examined, to be blunt.
You seem to be leaving things as settled, even though you have had no explanation for your being abandoned like you were, with wrecked plans, and phone calls ignored, with your newborn baby.

You're understandably feeling attacked and under heavy bombardment here, but at this stage unhinged ranting is all I myself can react with!
I guess what we are reading on the screen looks very different on your side of it, since you are filling in gaps in one way, and we with a wide range of possible realities.
Anyway I’ll quit the ranting and wish you all the very best, and with hopes that you and he will arrange things in a very happy manner for everyone (not that his Ma should have a vote in the matter! 😤).

This happened to my cousin. They agreed to do the morning at each other’s parents, back home for midday and lunch then family time with just them and their new baby. She arrived back, no sign of him, he wasn’t answering the phone. She called his parents too, no answer. Worried that something might have happened, she walked round to his parents with the baby, to find them all sitting round the table having their Christmas dinner. She told him not to bother coming back and filed for divorce as soon as she could.

No you're not unreasonable to be hurt, upset and confused. I think perhaps the current status quo suits you? Also maybe you are very used to coping with life alone? Don't doubt yourself now you got this

Not bu to be hurt and annoyed, l would be too. Hope he apologised and realised that his actions were wrong and will make it up to you.
On MN people will always tell you to get divorced for the slightest thing as MN women are always perfect.

The slightest thing? Fucking you off for the entire Christmas day and being completely uncontactable? He could have been absolutely anywhere.

This isn't slight if you have standards.

Your messages are confusingly contradictory OP and I think that’s why people are not all being supportive.
If you didn’t have a newborn I would definitely be in the LTB camp because he has ensured you didn’t spend your day (as usual) with your family, has chosen to spend his day with his family whilst ignoring your plentiful communications but worst of all in my book he has tried to shift the blame onto you. The fact he's been lazy leaving all the prep to you is another matter.
In these circumstances with the newborn here, I would give things one last go, but only after talking through all the issues at play including his mother’s attitude and interference. If he didn’t do this with grace and a heartfelt apology then I would not hesitate to call time on this relationship.
I get the feeling there is something significant stopping you making the full commitment to this man, so I would suggest you really think about what your intuition is saying. I do however hope you can work this out and ensure this is a one off wobble on his part. Good luck OP your family deserve happiness after the death of your first husband. 🌻

I'd be more concerned that he has now made it your problem/fault. Does he always control or is he just weak around his mother? He needs to sort his priorities out.

I've just caught up on your updates OP, I haven't noticed anywhere that he gave you a good reason for going awol all day?

What was his reasons for not coming back OP? Why did he think what he was doing was okay?
You’ve just had a baby so I wouldn’t rush to end things as mumsnetters always demand but he really needs to explain wtf he thought he was doing. In future his mother needs to be told in no certain terms that you and his baby come first, she knew what she was doing, I would have her cards marked.

I can't believe his mum was more concerned that your DP came to see his nephews etc and wasn't bothered about seeing her new grandchild!

Are you for real? It’s not the same at all 🤦‍♀️