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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry / hurt - DP missed Dc first Xmas

175 replies

Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 17:39

I will try not to drip feed.
DP and I have 1 DC ( very very newborn ) I have older children and he has no other children.
when discussing what was happening for Xmas I knew I would be giving birth shortly before.
He told me he wanted us to spend it together at home.
usually me and my older children would spend it with my family and my parents house.
he said he would pop to his parents house in the morning and I would do the same and then spend from late morning at home.
spoke to my family and told them we wouldn’t be coming for Xmas dinner.
I did the food shopping / organising and cooking.
Xmas day I don’t hear from him until gone 6 pm saying due to some change of plans with his family it ended up being later but that he was going to make his way now. Told him not to bother - the kids and a wonderful day with me and all had a good dinner and are now chilling - stay at his parents to avoid an argument that would ruin Christmas.
he is now extremely mad at me that I kept him from seeing his DC on Xmas day.

that wasn’t ny intention but I knew I was upset - I knew there had been some drama with his family and didn’t want to bring it back in to the home Xmas day.

OP posts:
Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 18:15

that wasn’t ny intention but I knew I was upset - I knew there had been some drama with his family and didn’t want to bring it back in to the home Xmas day

Sorry but I think you are both BU.

You knew there was a drama which would mean him staying longer.

He absolutely should have left them to it.

But I don’t understand why it got to 6pm and then you told him not to come home.

And you can’t ban him from his own house.

This seems like a very toxic relationship.

Original poster
Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 18:16

IwishIcouldconfess · 28/12/2025 18:10

How old are you both?

How old are your other children

mid 30s and late 30s

maybe it’s because the way I have explained it as wanted to keep it to the point it comes across as too young strangers. It’s not the case.
Just bare minimum facts.
not our dating history.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 18:17

Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 18:15

that wasn’t ny intention but I knew I was upset - I knew there had been some drama with his family and didn’t want to bring it back in to the home Xmas day

Sorry but I think you are both BU.

You knew there was a drama which would mean him staying longer.

He absolutely should have left them to it.

But I don’t understand why it got to 6pm and then you told him not to come home.

And you can’t ban him from his own house.

This seems like a very toxic relationship.

I didn’t know there was drama until 6pm when he eventually contacted me. I didn’t ban him from his own home.

OP posts:
IwishIcouldconfess · 28/12/2025 18:19

Does he live with you?
Are you actually in a relationship or is it a FWB?

Just can't understand why he wouldn't already be there Christmas eve and morning??

ChavsAreReal · 28/12/2025 18:22

He chose to be involved in his family's (petty) squabble, all day. Knowing you had made plans together.

He couldn't have made it more clear where his heart is. That must really sting and I'm sorry. The only good thing is that at least you know where you stand.

Original poster
Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 18:27

IwishIcouldconfess · 28/12/2025 18:19

Does he live with you?
Are you actually in a relationship or is it a FWB?

Just can't understand why he wouldn't already be there Christmas eve and morning??

Yes we are in a relationship.
he was here first thing before the kids were awake
the plan was always for him to go there to see his family ( Briefly ) to drop of gifts to nephews.
I took the kids to my parents for them to open their presents ( from them ) whilst he was due to be home. I came back like the plan was … he never showed.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 28/12/2025 18:27

He thinks plans he makes with you aren't important.

That shows you quite clearly how low down on his list of priorities you and your brand new baby are.

He just showed your other kids that he isn't a man of his word and he's unreliable. They're not going to think much of him.

Eyeshadow · 28/12/2025 18:28

Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 18:17

I didn’t know there was drama until 6pm when he eventually contacted me. I didn’t ban him from his own home.

Show quote history

So why is he saying you stopped him from seeing his DC on Xmas day?
Do you not live together?

Unless it was an actual emergency or he was relying on one of them for a lift, then there is no reason he couldn’t have left earlier.

This relationship is not working.

IwishIcouldconfess · 28/12/2025 18:29

Picked a peach there haven't you?

He let you down, your children and his own newborn!

TomatoSandwiches · 28/12/2025 18:30

Nah, he's unreliable and a flake, he can sod off if it isn't convenient for you and yours.

Godlovesatryer88 · 28/12/2025 18:33

Do you live together?

Wrenjay · 28/12/2025 18:33

That's the end of the relationship then? You are worth more than his Mum, show him the door.

MeltedAlmonds · 28/12/2025 18:35

Why was the default not that you as a couple would be spending the day together with your new baby?

Endofyear · 28/12/2025 18:35

If he was that bothered about seeing his newborn, he wouldn't have stayed out all day leaving you to look after all the children and make Christmas dinner! What a useless arsehole 🙄 I'm not surprised you told him to stay there, especially if you were fuming (as I would be!) and didn't want to have a row. Much better to get some space to calm down.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 28/12/2025 18:36

I mean you already have kids so for me this is a fool me once type situation.

How you weren't clued into this guy being a deadbeat pre Christmas when he picked his mum over his partner and child i dont know
....

The onpy thing i can say is expect more of this nonsense and plan your life such that he is optional.

I could hear this playing as I read your post
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=open.spotify.com/track/4F8VSd1yQlrpj9PK4kKXLe&ved=2ahUKEwjysvyd9uCRAxWrUkEAHUKRPBAQFnoECG8QAQ&usg=AOvVaw1ft0soMtnWs_Xuvlg7-jd0

TidyCyan · 28/12/2025 18:38

I can't believe he ignored you until 6pm because his mummy was upset when he is in his late 30s. What a dick.

Shitmonger · 28/12/2025 18:38

Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 18:27

Yes we are in a relationship.
he was here first thing before the kids were awake
the plan was always for him to go there to see his family ( Briefly ) to drop of gifts to nephews.
I took the kids to my parents for them to open their presents ( from them ) whilst he was due to be home. I came back like the plan was … he never showed.

Show quote history

So you don’t live together but he stayed over with you and was supposed to come back to yours after seeing his parents? Does he live with his parents?

If he’s not engaged with and prioritising you and the baby now, when the child is a newborn, it’s very unlikely that he’ll change or get better. I think you need to prepare yourself to be raising the baby alone.

Iloveagoodnap · 28/12/2025 18:40

When you got back home and started getting the dinner ready, did you contact him to give him a time when dinner would be ready? Did you message to say dinner is ready? I’m trying to work out if he’s thoughtless and assumed you wouldn’t be bothered if he wasn’t there or if he knew you were waiting for him and purposely ignored you?

Volpini · 28/12/2025 18:42

Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 17:39

I will try not to drip feed.
DP and I have 1 DC ( very very newborn ) I have older children and he has no other children.
when discussing what was happening for Xmas I knew I would be giving birth shortly before.
He told me he wanted us to spend it together at home.
usually me and my older children would spend it with my family and my parents house.
he said he would pop to his parents house in the morning and I would do the same and then spend from late morning at home.
spoke to my family and told them we wouldn’t be coming for Xmas dinner.
I did the food shopping / organising and cooking.
Xmas day I don’t hear from him until gone 6 pm saying due to some change of plans with his family it ended up being later but that he was going to make his way now. Told him not to bother - the kids and a wonderful day with me and all had a good dinner and are now chilling - stay at his parents to avoid an argument that would ruin Christmas.
he is now extremely mad at me that I kept him from seeing his DC on Xmas day.

that wasn’t ny intention but I knew I was upset - I knew there had been some drama with his family and didn’t want to bring it back in to the home Xmas day.

You’ve just had a baby. He didn’t show up for Christmas Day. He left you to sort a lunch for everyone WITH A NEWBORN when he should have been there making food and ensuring you could eat. He didn’t communicate. He didn’t respond. He didn’t apologise. And THEN he tried to spin it that YOU are in the wrong?
Lose. This. Arsehole. Teenagers behave better.

purplecorkheart · 28/12/2025 18:47

So his Mom's strop overrode your Newborn's first Christmas and your first Christmas as parent's together? You do that this is as good as it gets.

I hope he does not live with you. If he does send him.back to Mammy.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 28/12/2025 18:48

To add...

he left you on your own all day at presumably 2-4weeks post partum to cook a chtistmas meal and entertaining multiple children and caring for a new born.

No decent man would do that.

Original poster
Alwaysaxmasdrama12 · 28/12/2025 18:56

Iloveagoodnap · 28/12/2025 18:40

When you got back home and started getting the dinner ready, did you contact him to give him a time when dinner would be ready? Did you message to say dinner is ready? I’m trying to work out if he’s thoughtless and assumed you wouldn’t be bothered if he wasn’t there or if he knew you were waiting for him and purposely ignored you?

No the plan was always to be back at “ home “ for 11. I messaged him multiple times through out the day and rang him twice. I did not sit ringing him all day though as I had the children.

OP posts:
TappyGilmore · 28/12/2025 18:56

You didn’t keep him from seeing his DC - he chose not to see DC. He wouldn’t have got there until past 7pm and a very young baby presumably would have been put to bed around that time.

Also, there’s no way I would have been doing Christmas dinner with a very young baby.

Moonnstarz · 28/12/2025 19:01

So you don't live together?
You say you've been together for 12 years and have a newborn baby, yet not committed enough to live in the same home. I think that sums up how interested he is in a proper relationship with you sadly.

LucyMonth · 28/12/2025 19:01

It’s shitty that he was supposed to be home at 11 and didn’t speak to you until 6, but your plans in general were bizarre and not normal for a committed couple who love together, have just had a baby and believe spending Christmas together is important. I don’t know why you would ever make plans which would mean 1) leaving your home and 2) leaving your home separately on Christmas Day with a days old baby.

I had a December newborn. People came to use in the days around Christmas to swap presents and we stayed home as a family unit on Christmas Day…because of the newborn…