AIBU to be angry / hurt - DP missed Dc first Xmas

[Alwaysaxmasdrama12]

I will try not to drip feed.
DP and I have 1 DC ( very very newborn ) I have older children and he has no other children.
when discussing what was happening for Xmas I knew I would be giving birth shortly before.
He told me he wanted us to spend it together at home.
usually me and my older children would spend it with my family and my parents house.
he said he would pop to his parents house in the morning and I would do the same and then spend from late morning at home.
spoke to my family and told them we wouldn’t be coming for Xmas dinner.
I did the food shopping / organising and cooking.
Xmas day I don’t hear from him until gone 6 pm saying due to some change of plans with his family it ended up being later but that he was going to make his way now. Told him not to bother - the kids and a wonderful day with me and all had a good dinner and are now chilling - stay at his parents to avoid an argument that would ruin Christmas.
he is now extremely mad at me that I kept him from seeing his DC on Xmas day.

that wasn’t ny intention but I knew I was upset - I knew there had been some drama with his family and didn’t want to bring it back in to the home Xmas day.

This.

The children are 12 and 8?

And you've been together for 12 years?

But they're not his kids?

🤔

The question I answered was how long have I known him ! I specified I known him 12 years been together 3.

Right I may got got this wrong

but you are a widow. Mortgage paid off. Have assets and not living together due to this

whether baby was planned or not I don’t know

you need to keep your assets protected from first husband for your older kids

which I why I guess you don’t live together

is that right @Alwaysaxmasdrama12

if so then sorry for your loss and def get assets ring fenced before moved in /marrys

Well he's shown you loud and clear that you, your other children and your newborn are not a priority.

Do yourself a favour, cut ties now before your little ones bonds with him, he's only going to continue to let them down.

I see. How well does he get on with your children? Is he around them a lot? Do they like him? Did they care that he wasn't around on Xmas day?

Christ, is that meant to reassure people about him?! What a very precarious basis on which to bring a baby into your life.

What amazes me, putting aside the atrocious behaviour of Inadequate Man™️, is his mother’s stern insistence that he stay to see his ruddy nephews (whose presents could have been dropped over at any time before Christmas Day anyway), but apparently not being bothered about his being with her new grandchild at all.
OP didn't fancy dropping in, but you'd have Mother of IM™️ would have urged him to feck off back to the mother of his child, at home and waiting all day for him, instead of farting about with his brother. (Not that it’s her fault of course, just odd.)
But it looks like yet another unsound relationship where the bloke in Q absolutely sees his mother as the primary woman in his life, and his partner stands behind various brothers and uncles.

I hope there’s a great deal of mitigating information not being offered, because on the face of it OP is engaged in burying landmines in her own path.

If he was bothered about spending his DC first Christmas with them then he would have been there. He chose not too. If it was my son or brother I'd be asking WTF he thought he was doing not spending the day with DC (not that I'm blaming the mother or son here, it just makes me think the whole family don't have their priorities straight).

You did the right thing by telling him not to come. Kids were happy and settled, not fair on them to ruin that because of his selfishness.

6pm on Christmas day while his partner had been entertaining and cooking all day not long after giving birth. And he only said he was 'getting ready' to leave then, so you don't know what time he would have actually turned up.

He is absolutely welcome in the home and to stay when he pleases and basically lives here what I mean is that currently my house that I live in is mine and my children’s home, bought long before we were ever together with my children’s father.
it’s not anything to do with how I feel about him as a person but currently the situation is at it stands it’s my house and he has his home house which he bought before we were together. This is an entirely different situation to the one we are discussing.

we are both stable independently and we both agreed how our finances would work based on my having previous children who only have one living parent.

It does not ever mean he can’t live in the same house as his DC. It means the house will always be mine and will make sure of it.

the same as his house - it’s his and whatever he pleases to do with it for our joint child in terms of future inheritance etc.

I’m glad you’ve got your head screwed on regarding your house, money and finances. Keep
it that way.

This lovely baby (congrats by the way) was obviously not planned but is much loved (by you). I fear you’re effectively going to be a single parent raising him/her, if this incidence is anything to go by. Yes, plans do change, but dp knew you were cooking lunch first him, but didn’t have the guts to say to his mother, ‘got to go, Milly’s cooking lunch, but I can call back later to see nephew etc’.

the assumptions on this thread surrounding my decisions are really something else which actually have no relation to what has happened but to clear some of them up

I did not go through with having a baby without him wanting one.

deciding to keep my house only mine was not due to any deep rooted issues with him.

he is not after my money or house and has his own money.

Eventually we may have bought a house together but this would not include me selling my house.

So where is he now @Alwaysaxmasdrama12

Now he's let you know how low down you are in his priorities, whats your next move?

You've ignored all the posts saying how unacceptable everyone would else would find a seven hour disappearance on Christmas day 🙃

I totally agree with those 100 percent.

So where is he now?

All of this! His behaviour is absolutely outrageous. And his family are obviously just as bad. If my DB was in this situation and was just hanging around at my mums whilst his newborn baby was at home and his post partum partner was cooking Christmas dinner all on her own I would DRAG him home

Newborns don’t care or know that it’s Christmas. 🤷‍♀️

I totally agree with this and he obviously feels very torn. So sorry your Christmas wasn't as it should be x

But their mothers do.

Well, he’s not exactly a keeper is he OP? Abandoned you, his newborn and to some degree his DSC in order to get pissed with his brother and appease is mother.

If you choose to carry on with this, do it in the knowledge that your future suffering (and that of your shared child) is on you.

And the siblings that he lives with 98% of the time and presumably known all their lives since he's known their mum that long.

What a catch!

I'd be telling him to make plans to spend more time at his mum's or with his brother and changing the locks.

Their mothers and siblings do.

What a very strange take??!!

I’m not sure why the tone is needed, no where did I say I was forgiving him … I actually said that I told him not to come home and was asking if I was unreasonable to be angry and hurt by this.

so not sure why the tone is needed

AND?? 🤷🏼‍♀️

You said you told him not to come back so as not to bring the argument into the house, and then Wanted to check if you were being unreasonable.

he neglected you.
he neglected your child.

The consequences need to result in the betterment of you and your children. So many women willing to take these wankers back time and time again.

You are financially independent - you can choose to be in a relationship built on respect, trust and partnership.

I encourage you to make that choice and don’t become a forever poster on Mumsnet.