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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to drive even though I MAY be under limit?

593 replies

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 21:33

I’ve known ‘D’P for around 9 months. We don’t live together.
I’ve divided my time over Christmas driving between him and my friends and family,
Today we’d arranged that I would stay at his.
Things have been a bit tense lately due to a hopefully temporary restriction on his driving ( health related), but today has been great.
We have been happy staying in and chilling, cooking together, lots of laughter. For the first time this Christmas I’ve been able to have a couple of alcoholic drinks.
Around 10 minutes ago his adult son phoned him for a lift. Clearly he couldn’t do this but instead of saying no, or suggesting a taxi he seemed to expect that I would do it.
I said no, I had had alcohol and would not be driving.
He started off trying to persuade me, saying I probably wasn’t over the limit, he would have done it if it wasn’t for his medical problem, etc.
I have been driving for many years and I never drive after drinking alcohol. I could possibly have had a glass or two of wine over Christmas, but I didn’t as I feel that there is no safe limit.
Things progressed and he is getting more insistent and unreasonable.
I’ve shut myself in the bathroom to get away and gather my thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 23:20

Thanks to everyone for helping me keep calm.
He is pacing up and down now. I know he’s worried about his son, but he’s shown a side tonight that I dislike.
I have just had to say, yet again, that the answer is no, even though he says it’s now ages after I last had a drink!
I am so pleased I will be out of here soon.

OP posts:
DampTree · 27/12/2025 23:21

I just wanted to add to the voices of support - you are making the right choice in getting out of there and please let us all know when you are safely away. Hugs.

gallivantsaregood · 27/12/2025 23:22

@DidntwenearlyhaveitallI am really proud of you and I hope you feel proud of yourself! You've problem solved your way right out of this awful situation, making sure everyone , not just yourself, are safe!

I hope you're able to sleep well when you get home. I'd suggest muting your mobile and your home phone for tonight as I suspect he may send lots of messages and continue his bullying.

Well done though. This was a hard situation and you've shown what strength, and decent values you hold!

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 27/12/2025 23:22

Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:13

You can tell yourself whatever you want. Everything I’ve said is backed up by evidence. And, without wanting to offend, your opinion is of no relevance.

Show quote history

You just aren't getting it are you? Your 'facts' in no way diminish the reality that any amount of alcohol affect reactions, judgement and response times

Bumcake · 27/12/2025 23:23

Well done for standing your ground, and for the escape plan. What a tool he is.

bittertwisted · 27/12/2025 23:23

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 23:12

There is Uber in Bangor.

Show quote history

I stand corrected and apologise
I live on the boarder, you can get an uber to flint/ mold/ Wrexham etc but not back to England

Keroppi · 27/12/2025 23:23

Why can't he taxi to his mums house even if she's out? Or taxi to here she's out to. Or bus somewhere closer to his mom's area and then try for a taxi
So he just went out with no plan even though he knew his mum was going out tonight and his dad isn't allowed to drive at the mo? Presumably he just thought his dad's health issues not that big a deal

Perhaps you could get son to move the car and then later on tonight or early next morning if you and him are up you could get him to drop you to collect it and drive it back. You'd be more than sober enough in a few hrs after a meal and deffo by the morning

Twonewcats · 27/12/2025 23:23

The bug misconception/misinformation on this thread is talking about "one or two drinks".
The issue is how many UNITS you've had.
Eg a 25ml measure of a spirit tends to be one unit. However a freehand measure is more likely to be three units.
Similarly, a small glass of wine at home is likely to be 2 units, and a large glass 3 or 4.

LoveWine123 · 27/12/2025 23:24

The drinking and driving is a red herring here. Your DP’s behaviour is absolutely horrible…he is shouting at you and bullying you to the point of you feeling scared and unsafe. This really isn’t normal. Please tell us when you are able to get out of there. It’s good that you have at least seen him for who he really is and can kick him to the kerb once you are safely out of there.

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 23:24

bittertwisted · 27/12/2025 23:23

I stand corrected and apologise
I live on the boarder, you can get an uber to flint/ mold/ Wrexham etc but not back to England

Show quote history

No worries.

somanychristmaslights · 27/12/2025 23:25

How did his son think his dad could pick him up anyway? They sound like a bunch of idiots. I work in emergency services. I’ve seen what happens when someone drinks and drives. Well done on standing your ground. Hopefully this is the last time you see that man.

MO0N · 27/12/2025 23:25

Bumcake · 27/12/2025 23:23

Well done for standing your ground, and for the escape plan. What a tool he is.

I agree, godspeed you OP.

Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:26

Pallisers · 27/12/2025 23:15

Neither is your opinion. You seem at some pains to point out ways in which people can drink and drive safely - relying on their own judgement. I wonder why?

OP well done on the way you handled this. Well done to your son coming to get you. Well done on losing this guy.

Show quote history

I was simply reading the other over reactions about “drink driving” (that wouldn’t actually be drink driving) and felt some perspective was needed.

I stated only facts, not opinion:

  • process approx 1 unit per hour, so time is relevant
  • food will reduce speed of absorption into blood

Also confirmed it’s totally up to the individual, but it’s ludicrous to think one sip of a drink will impair you, or that if you had one drink three hours ago that it would still be affecting you. Not sure why it upsets you so much to hear that? A friend was once sat drinking red wine in a camping trip, had been drinking a while, did a breath test out of interest and was still under the limit (no, he didn’t drive or plan to, it was just a test). So as far as OP losing her licence goes (which people seemed to focus on), probably unlikely. But still totally her choice, regardless of the drink factor tbh.

So yeah, none of that is opinion I’m afraid (expect thinking some comments are ridic). Just information that you don’t like.

Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:27

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 27/12/2025 23:22

You just aren't getting it are you? Your 'facts' in no way diminish the reality that any amount of alcohol affect reactions, judgement and response times

Show quote history

Did I say they did? Or did I just state how things work given some of the OTT reactions in here? Maybe everyone’s had a drink and it’s impacted their reactions 🤣

BooneyBeautiful · 27/12/2025 23:28

TeeBee · 27/12/2025 22:15

Go and sleep in your car and tell him to fuck off. Why the hell would anyone put their child at risk of a drunk driver?

That's definitely not a good idea! If, by some chance, the police go by and find her asleep in the car with her car keys on her, she could still be charged if she happened to be over the limit. They would say she was drunk in charge of a vehicle.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/12/2025 23:28

Around 10 minutes ago his adult son phoned him for a lift. Clearly he couldn’t do this

If your boyfriend (hopefully now an ex) can't drive, why is both he and his son relying on a woman to taxi them?

whynotwhatknot · 27/12/2025 23:28

i think it should be zero now like scotland then we wouldnt have all this ive only had one or two bollocks

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 27/12/2025 23:29

This would be a major red flag for me. His concern for your safety should be instinctive / reflexive. Where is that instinct here? I don’t think it can be learned either… really sorry OP. You need someone who is going to look out for you and this is at best really poor judgment, at worst a lack of care for your safety

PeachySmile2 · 27/12/2025 23:29

So pleased you are sticking to your guns. The absolute cheek of him, happy for you to risk losing your licence for the sake of picking up his adult son? Many men have a mortgage and job at his age, not sure why he’s blowing up his daddy’s phone to save the day? Pathetic. So glad your son is picking you up. DP owes you an apology tomorrow.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 27/12/2025 23:30

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 22:15

I am out of the bathroom. I am very angry with him. I have told him the answer is no and I’m not going to change my mind. He’s still going on.
I’ve hidden his car keys in case he’s stupid enough to try driving his car, although he has a problem with his sight and I don’t think he would try in the dark.
I’ve got my keys in my pocket.
He’s on the phone now trying to get a friend to pick his son up.
The son apparently wants to be taken to his Mother’s house, where he spends most of his time, so 40 minutes to town, at least another 30 minutes to his Mother’s, which is about 45 minutes from here.

He expects you to spend nearly two hours driving? Even without the drink issue, that's totally unreasonable.

Possumzilla91 · 27/12/2025 23:30

Forget the risk to your licence ... He's willing to risk your life and HIS SON'S LIFE on you "probably" not being over the limit?

I had only a couple of drinks on Christmas, stopped drinking hours before I went home, but still had my (stone cold sober) partner drive us and the children home because it just was not worth the risk. I felt absolutely clear headed but I wasn't going to chance it. It's not worth it.

I don't think much of him as a partner OP. Hope you're able to extricate yourself safely.

JWhipple · 27/12/2025 23:30

This reply has been deleted

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Talkingtomyhouseplants · 27/12/2025 23:31

Absolutely not unreasonable. If I’m driving I will have half a glass of wine or champagne to be sociable but that is usually a good 5 or 6 hours before I am due to drive again. That’s it.

He is being a baby and I would think less of him.

Thehobbit2013 · 27/12/2025 23:31

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 27/12/2025 23:22

You just aren't getting it are you? Your 'facts' in no way diminish the reality that any amount of alcohol affect reactions, judgement and response times

Show quote history

I am not sure why Winterburn is getting to much grief. She is pointing out that on an empty stomach one unit of alcohol can adversely affect your ability to drive even though legally you would be under the drink drive limit. I read it as she is pointing out that sticking to the law is not always enough, you need to also use your own sense.

Sometimes 1 unit of alcohol can affect me more due to lack of food, fatigue etc. I would be under the drink drive limit but not safe to drive. This is why I would never take this risk and never drive after consuming even the smallest amount of alcohol.

awrbc81 · 27/12/2025 23:31

Well done for sticking to your guns, hope you get home ok and your car is ok too!
Massive red flags from this guy, hope you end things with him after this