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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to drive even though I MAY be under limit?

593 replies

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 21:33

I’ve known ‘D’P for around 9 months. We don’t live together.
I’ve divided my time over Christmas driving between him and my friends and family,
Today we’d arranged that I would stay at his.
Things have been a bit tense lately due to a hopefully temporary restriction on his driving ( health related), but today has been great.
We have been happy staying in and chilling, cooking together, lots of laughter. For the first time this Christmas I’ve been able to have a couple of alcoholic drinks.
Around 10 minutes ago his adult son phoned him for a lift. Clearly he couldn’t do this but instead of saying no, or suggesting a taxi he seemed to expect that I would do it.
I said no, I had had alcohol and would not be driving.
He started off trying to persuade me, saying I probably wasn’t over the limit, he would have done it if it wasn’t for his medical problem, etc.
I have been driving for many years and I never drive after drinking alcohol. I could possibly have had a glass or two of wine over Christmas, but I didn’t as I feel that there is no safe limit.
Things progressed and he is getting more insistent and unreasonable.
I’ve shut myself in the bathroom to get away and gather my thoughts.

OP posts:
bittertwisted · 27/12/2025 23:04

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 22:07

I’ve got the Uber app as I’ve used it on holidays, but I’ve already checked and nothing is coming up in this area.

Show quote history

Are you in wales? Uber is not allowed in the north
also STOP TRYING TO RESOLVE THIS, it isn’t your problem
coming from someone who would be doing exactly what you are 😂

Original poster
Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 23:06

He isn’t giving up. He unsurprisingly can’t find anyone to make that trip.
He’s also just asked me who I am messaging.
I said I was checking hotels for his son!
My son is 15 -20 minutes away, so I won’t have to put up with this for much longer.

OP posts:
Shutuptrevor · 27/12/2025 23:06

I am bizarrely grateful to your son!

Let us know when you’re safely out of there.

ClareBlue · 27/12/2025 23:06

How much the OP has or has not drunk is irrelevant at this stage. The adult son went out knowing that he couldn't get home without someone picking him up but didn't bother to pre arrange it. The OP went to her partner house for a night in and a couple of relaxing drinks after a hectic Christmas. Her partner then wanted her to do an up to 2 hour round trip to get his son to the son's mother's house. The OP rightly refused this completely unreasonable request. Her partner then became angry and shouted at her and started guilt tripping by comparing how she would be with her son and not his son. But OP has a son who not only takes responsibility for his own transport but is in a position to help his mother out in a crisis situation, which he is doing.
So it's probable that OP would actually act differently for her own son because he would reciprocate it for her. But that completely misses the point that OP's partner is behaving appallingly and OP would be better off without him in the future.

gallivantsaregood · 27/12/2025 23:06

This is a boundary I would not be prepared to have anyone steamroller over. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you went to pick up his son,were involved in an accident which left his son permanently disabled or dead, and were found to actually be over the limit. Followed by a statement that you would not be prepared to take even the slightest risk that that could happen, so it's an emphatic no. His response to that will tell you a great,deal about who he really is.

Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:06

JWhipple · 27/12/2025 23:01

Oh well that sounds absolutely fine. I'm sure the many people driving after a couple of drinks have been able to do the same vague maths and they've not all killed somebody. And the ones that have were just unlucky rather than their reflexes and judgement influenced by alcohol. And am sure that's a massive comfort to everyone affected

Show quote history

That’s why they make and sell breathalysers, so you don’t have to do “vague maths”.

Everything I’ve stated is just facts, easily checked by you, but I’m quite sure you’d rather make sarcastic comments than learn something.

I didn’t set the drink drive limit, if you feel so strongly that having a tiny amount of alcohol in your system is an issue then you need to petition the government, not argue with facts that people state on a meaningless thread on the internet.

FWIW I very rarely would drive after a drink, but if I do I have it early on so that I’ve had my designated hour (or more) to process it. I’m not the one that needs your advice.

merrychristmasbaby · 27/12/2025 23:07

I never drive with alcohol in my body & will not compromise for anyone. I’ve seen first hand the devastation that drink driving causes and will not take that risk. Stick to your guns . It’s your licence & your conscience

Iamnotalemming · 27/12/2025 23:07

YANBU. If I am driving I do not drink at all and would not be comfortable doing so. Your partner is behaving badly and his son is an idiot for going out without a plan for getting home again.

400rider · 27/12/2025 23:09

WhatICallMyUsername · 27/12/2025 21:52

I would be asking why his adult son was ringing him for a lift when he knows he can’t drive at the minute. Just assuming you’d do it probably

My thoughts…and why didn’t the adult son think ahead about needing a lift somewhere until the last minute if he’s so very rural it’s too far to safely walk?

Shoemadlady · 27/12/2025 23:10

Please let us all know when you’ve been collected safely. I can’t believe he’d want his son in the car with someone who could be over the limit. You have absolutely made the right call here

CautiousLurker2 · 27/12/2025 23:11

Shade17 · 27/12/2025 21:47

It very much depends what you’ve drunk and when. A couple of small glasses with lunch 7/8 hours ago then YABU, a couple of large ones in the past 2 hours then not so much.

No, that’s not correct. You don’t drive at all if you do not feel you are your fully competent self - whether that’s having had half a glass of wine, being tired, stressed, or having a headache. If the person driving doesn’t feel they are 100% safe, for whatever reason, then they absolutely should not drive. It is no one else’s decision.

Goinggreymammy · 27/12/2025 23:11

Im not only disgusted by the partners behaviour but also by his 25 year old son who is still badgering the same people at 11 o clock to come collect him. Like father like son.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 27/12/2025 23:11

Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:01

It isn’t at all. It’s down to the person to make this decision, if they know they’re adversely affected by one drink they should base their judgement on that. Most normal folk wouldn’t be affected by, for example, two drinks with a meal over the course of 2 to 2.5 hours.

Pointing out actual facts is not “irresponsible”. It’s just facts. There’s some frankly ridiculous posts on this thread, like not driving after sip of someone else’s drink, or suggesting that OP having a double now would mean she couldn’t drive home in the morning 🤣

There’s quite a strong lack of understanding in this thread.

Edited
Show quote history

There is indeed a "strong lack of understanding on this thread" and, sadly, you are guilty of it yourself - an individual's own assessment of their 'fitness' to drive after consuming alcohol is the very reason why there are still so many alcohol related deaths, injuries and lives destroyed on the road. The sooner the legal limit is 'nil' the better!

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 23:12

bittertwisted · 27/12/2025 23:04

Are you in wales? Uber is not allowed in the north
also STOP TRYING TO RESOLVE THIS, it isn’t your problem
coming from someone who would be doing exactly what you are 😂

Show quote history

There is Uber in Bangor.

Original poster
Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 23:13

He just went to the bathroom and I quickly collected all my stuff and put it outside the front door.
I’ve just heard his phone ring again.

OP posts:
Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:13

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 27/12/2025 23:11

There is indeed a "strong lack of understanding on this thread" and, sadly, you are guilty of it yourself - an individual's own assessment of their 'fitness' to drive after consuming alcohol is the very reason why there are still so many alcohol related deaths, injuries and lives destroyed on the road. The sooner the legal limit is 'nil' the better!

Show quote history

You can tell yourself whatever you want. Everything I’ve said is backed up by evidence. And, without wanting to offend, your opinion is of no relevance.

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 23:13

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 23:06

He isn’t giving up. He unsurprisingly can’t find anyone to make that trip.
He’s also just asked me who I am messaging.
I said I was checking hotels for his son!
My son is 15 -20 minutes away, so I won’t have to put up with this for much longer.

I'm so sorry love. I have had people try to convince me to do the same before but I never drink and drive as my aunt and uncle were driven off the side of a mountain nearly 30 years ago by a drunk driver. Stand your ground.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 27/12/2025 23:14

Didntwenearlyhaveitall · 27/12/2025 22:54

I am a bit worried about my car too. There is a farm parking area down the road, which is only used occasionally. I might ask my son to move my car there.

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If you're really worried they might damage your car, can you get out of the house before your son arrives - tell the twat you're going for a walk to clear your head or something? So your son can move your car before twat realises it's gone?

Arlanymor · 27/12/2025 23:14

gallivantsaregood · 27/12/2025 23:06

This is a boundary I would not be prepared to have anyone steamroller over. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you went to pick up his son,were involved in an accident which left his son permanently disabled or dead, and were found to actually be over the limit. Followed by a statement that you would not be prepared to take even the slightest risk that that could happen, so it's an emphatic no. His response to that will tell you a great,deal about who he really is.

100% true.

RappelChoan · 27/12/2025 23:14

This man needs to learn that no means no!

Snowandtinsel · 27/12/2025 23:15

If 'mum' to 25yr old son is out, how is she getting home, why can't she go and collect him?

Please make sure his keys remain hidden. Have you got much stuff to exit with? Could you 'check' you've shut the windows in your car and discretely put some things in the boot so you can make a faster getaway in your son's car?

Pallisers · 27/12/2025 23:15

Winterburn · 27/12/2025 23:13

You can tell yourself whatever you want. Everything I’ve said is backed up by evidence. And, without wanting to offend, your opinion is of no relevance.

Show quote history

Neither is your opinion. You seem at some pains to point out ways in which people can drink and drive safely - relying on their own judgement. I wonder why?

OP well done on the way you handled this. Well done to your son coming to get you. Well done on losing this guy.

TurkeyQueen · 27/12/2025 23:15

Tell us when you’re in the car with your ds.

SecretNameAsImShy · 27/12/2025 23:18

What a complete twat! Totally unreasonable. So glad your son is coming for you and that you’ve managed to get your stuff outside ready. Let us know when you are safe.

Lovelyindevon · 27/12/2025 23:18

I’d not be driving if I was in your situation.

It’s not just the legal limit it’s how you feel after a drink.
If I had a half at lunchtime I’d be under the limit but not feel 100% safe driving - a bit slower, a bit more relaxed - not drunk but affected.

I think you’ve been pushed into an unfortunate situation. Hope your son is there soon for you.