To expect my AuDHD young teen to understand the impact of his behaviour on rest of family?

[Thebabycheeses78]

Trying to get my AuDHD DS to get his things together ready for early flight back home. We are staying with family. It is taking forever to do something that has taken my other kids 15 minutes to do.

It’s not just this evening- it’s the same drill all the time. Constant nagging and standing over him to get him to do basic tasks.

and of course, it always descends into a shouting match. If I sound even slightly irate after asking him to do something 10 times, he starts screaming and shouting about how I’m shouting at him.

I end up frazzled and upset. Every trip, every day out, every weekend is like this. I even have to cajole and drag him around to things he wants to go to.

I’d hoped we’d have all been packed 2 hours ago, but it has taken this long to get him moving and he’s still not finished. It means the evening is ruined for everyone and our last day of holiday has been stressful.

he is high functioning. He does well at school. He is someone who will very likely go to university, get a job and outwardly appear functional. But I worry about him- I can see his wife on mumsnet in 25 years at the end of her tether because he won’t adult.

any suggestions on how to get through to him about the impact he is having on others?

But you already know he’s capable - he’s capable at school? Has he been on residentials?

you’re there to carry the load for him. Yes it’s tiring but it’s tiring for any parent with a child with a disability.

as a PDA parent do read into low demand parenting - I’ve found with my PDA child once you have the trust and understanding they are able to do more, in fact they want to do things for themselves but knowing you’re a safe person to go to and someone who will support and not let them fall. It’s about love and trust. Do read into it.

Give over.

you have an awful attitude and zero compassion for someone dealing with a newly diagnosed child with very little support.

So would you say he's demand avoidant as well? That's a whole Other issue on its own. Look at the pda society website also recommended above, they have good advice around this.

No, there are ways of phrasing things and changing the manner in which something is presented/asked that makes it feel less like a demand. They aren’t doing it on purpose.

Ahh, I'm sorry - you're a bit far away from my network of people! I often recommend the website ADDitude to parents - lots of great, evidence-based advice and info there. For in-person support, maybe try some local parenting groups on Facebook for recommendations?

So they also have no expectation of others to meet their demands?
they speak to others like this? Will carefully phrase things?

Ok, a bit harsh. But it’s sad that you speak so negatively about him. I have been there and done it all without support. It is bloody hard. But it isn’t his fault. And apart from parent groups on Facebook etc, there is no support.

I really recommend Dr Naomi Fisher. She specifically does stuff on teenagers, autistic, adhd and PDA. She has practical strategies.

For other dc, I have continually reinforced to mine that his sister is disabled. And pointed out that it is no different than a physical disability and it means we have to adapt things like days out. I also make sure he gets time with just me (I’m also divorced and co-parent). And when we get to jump a queue or use special assistance at the airport, I pour out to him that it isn’t all bad 😁.

No. The issue is like an anxiety that causes the body to freeze (fight, flight, freeze) when there is demand or expectation.

Including when something is a cultural/spcial/health expectation. So it is quite common to struggle with showering, brushing teeth. These also include transitions that are hard.

Would you expect a wheelchair user to move in the exact same way as you? Do you realise who ableist you sound?

Just wanted to sympathise.

It’s absolutely DRAINING.

It’s very hard having to treat an older teen like a toddler 💐

So therefore they should also have zero expectation of others?

Try to keep in mind that he’s a kid having a hard time, not just a kid giving you a hard time,

Hes also very likely to be lagging about 3 years behind in some aspects of peer development. I often ask myself if I’d be worried about Ds doing [whatever thing he is or isn’t doing] if he were 3 years younger get and often I wouldn’t be. He is making progress, it just takes longer.

The most helpful thing I ever did was to look at each of the 8 senses (5 plus vestibular (balance/movement) proprioception (body position and joints) interoception (internal signals like hunger/need to pee) and work out what types of sensory input are regulating/calming and which are dysregulating. Increase the former , and eliminate the latter and you will make an enormous difference.

I know it sounds beside the point, but it’s a way of eliminating an enormous amount of stress, which makes other learning and change possible.

As for packing in ten minutes. Ha! Not happening. I’d just do it myself. And focus on making the transition as calm as possible. Transitions are always hard with autism. Huge nervous system activation going on.

Not now, but at another time, go for a walk, or play Lego, and ask him to tell you what he finds hard about it.

also- the Calm Parenting Podcast is really helpful too.

I don’t really understand? You are asking if a disabled person should be able to be exactly like a non-disabled person? It’s like saying because I’m expected to guide someone who is blind, they should be expected to guide sighted people. Do you understand how weird that is?

It’s sad OP that for something like this, where you’re crying out for help and advice, that some of the unhelpful responses on here are from people who should know better (being parents of SEN children themselves). I imagine it’s a very difficult path being the parent of a child with SEN, and surely parents in this situation should be supportive of each other rather than be judgemental.

Things I use with DD (awaiting diagnosis).
We start early (at least 2/3 days) before leaving. I pack with her , going through the “list” so she learns what she needs. Most times I tell her to bring over the stuff she wants to take and go through it together. Verbally (this works for her, other people prefer visual cues)go through the list /what’s left to pack as reminders/learning opportunities . Pack things in categories, bottoms, tops etc. , sometimes in sealed bags , sometimes just in separate sections of the suit case. One extra bag that dirty stuff goes in. We do NOT unpack the suitcase, it’s easier to keep it all contained. Essentials in backpack, ipad, chargers, power bank, hair brush, toothbrush etc. From coming bak start the day before leaving. Most things would already be the suitcase either not worn or in the “dirty “ bag, so it’s a case of an outfit/pjs. We also get her travel outfit ready the same day. Day for leaving, just gathering up devices and doing back pack mostly. She’s been on a few holidays without us (school/friends) so it seems to work independently too, but I’ve been doing it this way since she was tiny so she has had a lot of practice.

If he has medication for school, it is probable that he could benefit from also taking it during other stressful situations when additional executive function is also required. That doesn’t mean he always needs to take medication at weekends or on holidays (unless he wants to), but it could be helpful in future.

Six months past diagnosis, is still quite early and he may be in denial still and struggling to accept that he has the condition. On the one hand a diagnosis is an explanation, but on the other there are a lot of emotions to work through. It’s also early in terms of you both working out what techniques are successful and what strategies to practice and repeat. ADHD and Autism organisations, especially those aimed at teens have good advice and resources.

There are things that can help for a teen - mostly about being aware of their own difficulties.

If he has a smartphone, or if you do and he can borrow it temporarily, try GoblinTools. Lots of ND teens find it easier to get GoblinTools to break down tasks than to have a parent standing over them breaking it down for them.

Use a timer. I have ASD (and quite possibly ADHD) and starting a task is really difficult, but if I tell myself I'll just do it for 10 minutes and start a timer, I am usually then able to keep going beyond the 10 minutes.

Body-double him - you pack while he packs and then you're done together, leaving him no room to get distracted (and potentially some valuable bonding time).

The "shouting" thing is unfortunately how we experience raised voices or pressure of speech. It's a particular horror because I have had to reconcile myself with the fact that usually someone is not shouting even when I think they are - but that also means I gaslight myself into believing everything's fine when actually someone is being horrible to me, leaving me with very little ability to distinguish between fast-paced speech and unpleasantness.

So getting it is “shut up and do what you’re told”?

@Thebabycheeses78 you are a human being and I don’t believe for a second that those who wax lyrical on here about what you SHOULD be doing actually never get cross or do the wrong thing.

Of course they do.

My boys are now grown up and I am still parenting in a demand avoidant way and it’s exhausting at times. Some days I am much better equipt than others. I try and negate things that I know will cause an issue eg having things ready to go, timings being explained for the umpteeth time, when he had to mask at work all day then let’s rip at me (and the dog) but it’s hard.

None of us are perfect. And it is trial and error. (My sons are high functioning and went to uni, attended special ed schools etc)

Its not a fine art and it doesn’t get easier (sorry)

@LauraMipsum body doubling is such a good idea. We did that a lot with preparation for university eg meal cooking and sorting laundry. It does focus the mind :)

I am outnumbered by AuDHD thanks to my DH family and now adult son. It’s best thought of as they run on Linux whilst I run on windows. If I talk to them using windows a lot is lost in the same way I cannot follow them.

I have found the YouTube channel My Favourite Jo a useful insight into their world and their way of trying to navigate mine.

Help him! I can't believe you nag him instead of packing with him to solve the problem and speed up the process. before catching a flight is not the time to try to get an AUDHD child to learn self reliant skills!

FWIW, it can be almost impossible for ADHD brain to follow general instructions or 2 or three step instructions. So, for example, being asked to "Pack your stuff!" won't work. But "Put all your clothes in your suitcase" might. It is specific.

And this sort of three-step instruction is disastrous: "Put your clothes in your suitcase and have you got your stuff from the bathroom and don't forget your laptop charger - it's downstairs."

Just get him to do one simple job. One instruction at a time. And pack up his other stuff for him. I still do this for AuDHD adult son. I did today when he was packing to go home, after staying with us for Christmas. He has a job, a home of his own, a life, but some tasks - like packing - are really tough, so I help him.

I love that Linux/Windows analogy. So true.

Ah, ok. the newly diagnosed part explains a lot.
With adhd he's not going to be able to pack the way the rest of the family do. He doesn't have the same executive functioning skills. Would he accept you packing for him or packing with him? I know it seems ridiculous but it really would be the easiest option until the dust settles, everyone (including himself) comes to accept his diagnosis and you find a system that works for you all. You're going to need the patience of Job but there is light at the end of the tunnel.