To expect my AuDHD young teen to understand the impact of his behaviour on rest of family?

[Thebabycheeses78]

Trying to get my AuDHD DS to get his things together ready for early flight back home. We are staying with family. It is taking forever to do something that has taken my other kids 15 minutes to do.

It’s not just this evening- it’s the same drill all the time. Constant nagging and standing over him to get him to do basic tasks.

and of course, it always descends into a shouting match. If I sound even slightly irate after asking him to do something 10 times, he starts screaming and shouting about how I’m shouting at him.

I end up frazzled and upset. Every trip, every day out, every weekend is like this. I even have to cajole and drag him around to things he wants to go to.

I’d hoped we’d have all been packed 2 hours ago, but it has taken this long to get him moving and he’s still not finished. It means the evening is ruined for everyone and our last day of holiday has been stressful.

he is high functioning. He does well at school. He is someone who will very likely go to university, get a job and outwardly appear functional. But I worry about him- I can see his wife on mumsnet in 25 years at the end of her tether because he won’t adult.

any suggestions on how to get through to him about the impact he is having on others?

I can certainly explain it better.

So it isn't that you consciously think this is dangerous, like a hot stove. It's that your nervous system reacts as if there is a threat.

If you think about the brain and all its different lobes, blood is redirected from some parts of the brain that let you do things, and redirects the blood to the survival parts of the brain instead. So there's a genuine physiological reason that supports why it's a "can't do that thing" rather than a "won't do that thing"

An example from me would be that I struggle to read emails from important people, even though logically I know that the email will just have information in it, but my nervous system can't tell the difference between an unexpected email and getting drafted for war. It is a total fight, flight, freeze type response, ultimately leading to task paralysis.

I know the longer I leave the email it will become more urgent and I won't be able to respond as well as I could if I gave myself processing time, I know all I have to do is press that button and open it and it won't have anything bad in it, but I just can't do it.

Sometimes all it takes for me to get that particular task done is have someone with me, and sometimes I need others to open them for me and give me a debrief.

Sometimes I have so many things to do that NT people take for granted, like replying to texts, brushing my teeth and my hair, picking up my dirty laundry, that I just can't get any of it done because it feels like I've been surrounded by so many hot stoves the floor is lava and I am so overwhelmed that I don't know how to get out of this pit, so I just lay down, scroll on my phone, generally look like I'm lazing about being a slattern, but I'm not. I'm overwhelmed and regulating my nervous system so I can work out an order of priority and think about the help I need to ask for to get things done.

Sometimes I have so many things to do that NT people take for granted, like replying to texts, brushing my teeth and my hair, picking up my dirty laundry, that I just can't get any of it done because it feels like I've been surrounded by so many hot stoves the floor is lava and I am so overwhelmed that I don't know how to get out of this pit, so I just lay down, scroll on my phone, generally look like I'm lazing about being a slattern, but I'm not. I'm overwhelmed and regulating my nervous system so I can work out an order of priority and think about the help I need to ask for to get things done.

I recognise this SO MUCH for my dd.

I haven’t read through all comments here so may be repeating. My partner is ADHD and son is likely ASD.

As others have said, you may just be expecting a bit too much? You probably need to break things down into smaller actions - and find a way to help him feel more in control. There are loads of good ideas to help with this in some responses here - you may have try several things before hitting on a combo / system that helps.

However you tackle it, it’s best to throw away your expectations of what’s ‘age appropriate’ - it can mean very little in terms of ND kids, who can vary wildly in what they are capable of in different aspects of their lives. In fact, that’s pretty much what ND means - an unusually wide or divergent, distribution in cognitive abilities.

I know it’s frustrating, but I wonder if the rest of the family ever consider the impact things like day trips and holidays might be having on him? He might enjoy elements, and want to show willing for the family, but still find being away from home fundamentally distressing and exhausting. Could this be a factor?

Thank you so much for this - it explains so much.

You haven’t gone to any of the parenting workshops to learn how to parent differently then? YOU are the one who needs to change their way of parenting and managing ND children. Nothing will change until you do and your children need different parenting completely to how you are doing ot currently. Lots of research about their condition and how you can change and manage them and help them is essential. Yes it’s hard and tiring etc but that’s being a parent and having ND kids takes up a lot more work and effort but is so worth it. Mindfulness also essential for you as then you can mentally learn to step back before reacting to their behavior and it helps stress levels all round

Hi OP. I have ADHD (late diagnosis) and my daughter also has ADHD. Parenting a ND child is hard. I think some of the posters have been quite harsh - you have only been given a formal diagnosis in the last few months and it is a steep learning curve. You will get challenged and frustrated you are only human x. Within the responses there is some really helpful advice I would focus on them and ignore the judgemental snipes

Oh my gosh this is so relatable for me I could cry.

For me I think part of the problem is being a perfectionist and if I have to deal with something which involves even minor criticism (including self-criticism) I get complete paralysis.

I can function brilliantly but if something gets the “tarnish” (eg I missed a deadline) I can get totally stuck. Like I have racked Up huge fines for overdue library books because once I get the first overdue notice paralysis kicks in.

i would love to hear any more practical strategies you have for dealing with this as it is quite literally destroying my life!

That last point is such a good one! We’re just back from a few nights away staying with family and I think my AuDHD DS was really starting to struggle with the lack of routine and familiarity (and he’s generally pretty adaptable). It can be hard to appreciate when you’re doing stuff that appears to be fun (nice food! Opening presents!) that you’re actually overwhelming them.

My DD is ADHD probably Autistic as well.

you say standing over him and constantly nagging - that is the one thing guaranteed to get my daughter in a state and not get anything done.

i tend to give her a deadline at least an hour in advance - probably more if she had to get dressed etc as well as pack.

it was described to me that everything feels like a demand to her - brushing teeth, getting dressed etc etc. even though they are just routine to us. so piling more stuff on and keeping asking makes it worse.

I asked my DD’s how they felt at Xmas did they feel they were missing out on a bit family Xmas given it was always just the three of us in Xmas day last few years. They were both clear that they like it and would not want a big Xmas - so like a pp said maybe it’s been a bit overwhelming for him.

You sound from the OP like you have no patience and no idea how to manage him or don't believe he actually has any condition at all and is just a pain in the backside.

Great that he does well at school, be prepared that one day he might not, or university might be too much. DD2 couldn't manage secondary school at all.

Stop expecting him to just get on with it and be the same as everyone else. Let 2026 be the year when you learn how to help him, develop patience and help him to help himself. It sounds like he already has a lot of great strategies if he is coping with the pressure of school. Don't place so many on him at home or he will burn out.

Look up Dr Naomi Fisher. She does webinars too.

I'm AuDHD and very high functioning but tasks like packing etc are extremely overwhelming due to my executive function. I need either someone to help me, or a list where I tick off after each thing. Our non verbal working memory doesn't work the same as NT peoples so we physically can't just get on with a task with several steps in the same way. Or we become overwhelmed and the part of the brain that deals with these tasks goes offline. Our brains also don't release dopamine when we complete a tasks like a NT brain so there is no motivation to do it. It's a tricky one! The kids I teach who struggle with this find these useful for independently completing multi step tasks.

www.amazon.co.uk/AOOSU-Interchangeable-Checklist-Detachable-Behaviour/dp/B0FXM7C8GK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=2C1UBNTY1941X&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.kvjdJUCgh_YjKLzDFQ4Wb5fNctOHwQJ-fj74uPxmw6jf7OpwwmAOdnP8S7xlHywMUmu1FZw2TKILXA1stW7wYYl5oXs4WRvvpsCAsLvIrTEt_j0lOsKGalYNFKzs0ZXhLtTMPw2Tkxedd_0aw_oSZhm0ZVoWItN7EatgDRFp74BfLN7UPlE7x07cVqRlCyVv4KpC5hql1G0P2jpHAP-_RQ.SsfDBzqIsAkeGDdv36u0HKQhrO4zXPWp0Ac4NsoO6JQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=to+do+list+moveable&qid=1766906821&sprefix=to+do+list+moveable%2Caps%2C115&sr=8-1-spons&aref=jYaJ41jA5G&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1

From what I've seen and read (I have an AuDHD 13 year old), a lot of people with PDA type autism are self-employed, or don't work, or rely on partners working, or live at home for longer than the norm, or bounce from job to job, working below their ability level.

My (almost certainly) AuDHD DH is a lecturer in a niche bit of academia. He's left to get on with it mostly, but benefits from the structure of terms, coursework deadlines etc. He's done the same job for over 20 years!

Even later diagnosed DC in this house OP but a positive experience in understanding themselves which is obviously not where you are and I completely empathise, another young adult here who really needs to go down the same path but age means they are in control of that.

If the medication helps for school then maybe focus on trying to reason with why it’s helpful the rest of the time as well. If you can get that sorted it will hopefully help create a more level starting point for life at home.

I don't know whether I've missed it but how old is your DS? My DS with AuDHD was very difficult when he was in puberty - everything seemed to much more challenging for him and his methylphenidate prescription went up to 92 mg per day. He had to take it every day to get the best results; we found that if he didn't take it at the weekend then Mondays were disastrous. He's 22 now and only on 36 mg per day.

Taking medication makes him different he thinks - no surely it makes him the same ???
he is a bit low on dopamine probably - medication gives it a boost

I have a 19 year old DD AuADHD.. I’ve just learned to let go. If I say, we need to go at 11, I don’t micromanage it, sometimes she won’t move until ten to, but I don’t get imvolved .. as long as we leave at 11, that’s fine.

Op says they are 2 hours late leaving…

OP, I'm sorry you've had some critical comments on this thread. Six months is a very short time post diagnosis especially with an unsupportive ex and school. Holidays are stressful. I spend so much time trying to organise amd make holidays successful with two ND people and however carefully I plan, or patient I try to stay, I do end up losing my temper with DD at some point during a trip. She can be really unpleasant when disregulated. She was diagnosed at 7. The only advice we've has is what we've sought out and paid for ourselves (using the Royal we there - DH will participate but does nothing proactive). NVR was the most useful.

We only have the one child though so thank God we don't have to deal with sibling issues, although there are regular friendship fallouts.

My practical tips would be:

1. Just do the packing yourself. As a pp said, a stressful situation isn't the time for a life lesson. If DC is managing well at school, he can organise himself when needed. He will gradually gain skills. I'm afraid it took my DSis into her 40s to get the adulting skills most people have by their 20s...
2. Organise something nice for yourself, to look forward to after a holiday.
3. As pp said, try ideas like the fully packed day bag and living out of the suitcase and multiples of things.
4. If things don't matter, don't worry if it's not how other people do things. Just do what works. This is especially the case with critical people in your family.
5. Speak to your other kids regularly one to one. Acknowledge that living with siblings can be hard (there are some good tips on the website Sibs). I wish my parents had done this. I felt a lot of pressure to be independent and ask for no help from a young age, because my sister needed so much.

You might find the downloads on the PDA Society website useful and the book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein) has a really useful chapter on stopping shouting.

Solidarity - the burden on mums and parents generally of adjusting and compensating is massively under estimated. We're none of us saints and we would quite like to enjoy the holidays we've paid for too!

I hope you aren’t in any kind of people facing role. Would you speak to someone like to their face if they asked for advice?

also, I AM doing the lion’s share of it. But I don’t know where he has left his various things he wants to take with him- we’re in a family home and I don’t know what’s his and what isn’t.

when I said pack- he is being asked to get a handful of things. I’ve packed all his clothes and most of his kit.

@Thebabycheeses78 I admire how well you're doing and how much effort you make. Reading this is helping me to think about how to be a better Dad to my sons. I suspect I was like your son and maybe I am but got better as I got older. It sounds so familiar. In addition, my middle son is very like this. I just want to say thank you! It's helpful to read. Ignore the people with zero empathy. You're a good Mum. Well done. Keep going! I wish people had made more book or podcast recommendations.

This. Constantly blaming mum won’t help her.

OP, as someone with ADHD who has struggled in the past to run a family home, work and parent effectively, the only answer for me has been to work really hard at embedding processes and routines in a guilt-free, constructive and positive way.

So for me - empty dishwasher first thing, put a load of washing on, put dry washing away, take bins and recycling out, hoover living-room and clean downstairs loo. Then in the evening, fill dishwasher and put dishwasher on, wipe down kitchen surfaces, hang washing out to dry, hoover kitchen, clean upstairs bathroom while kids are in the bath.

For my kids - home from school, bags hung up, uniform hung up or in the wash, homework taken out, sit straight down at kitchen table, homework done, back in bag ready for tomorrow, bag checked so we have everything for school tomorrow.

For packing - I now have a list of packing "sections" on my phone - DC1 clothes, DC2 clothes, coats and shoes, toiletries, toys and games etc. - that I write out on a list of the fridge before we're going away. I add anything extra for that particular trip, e.g. Christmas presents. Then I give myself a few days to pack and either listen to music or use a five minute timer ("Oh, I'll only do 5 minutes then stop") while I do each section.

I find that 1) it takes a long time for tasks to become routine for me, but when they are, they don't require conscious effort so I can do them easily, and 2) any non-routine tasks need to be broken down into manageable chunks and the mental obstacle removed from starting them for me to be able to manage them.

I don't do guilt or shame anymore. I apologise if I let others down and do a mental debrief to think about what I could do to manage things more effectively in future. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

I've accepted that managing ordinary life is just going to be a bit harder for me than it might be for others.

Thanks for explaining more I appreciate it. It’s weird I find it really hard to understand that yet equally at the same time feel like I can relate to some examples in my own life. Just without the flight or fight response.

I’m terrible at procrastinating and I’m late all the time because of it. I’ll do other tasks instead of the ones I actually need to get done before going out for example, I’d do all my work at the last minute when I was younger and I’m always the one packing my suitcase after I’ve done everyone else’s and I don’t know why. I don’t feel overwhelmed or anything though. Well maybe in a panic at the end! So I’m trying to imagine those feelings of not doing what needs to be done and knowing it- but plus feeling flight or fight must be exhausting! Especially if it’s about everything!

Hi OP,
AuDHD mum of AuDHD teen son (13), here,
I completely understand what you mean about the endless theories and advice, it can seem to much because there isn’t a single answer, or way to do things effectively.

im only managing because my son has so many similar traits as I do, his dad, who doesn’t live with us, also likely has ADHD and parents him differently, also didn’t want the assessment, didn’t see the point.

my in the moment advice is either pack for him, or take the lead packing, if you want him to still feel like he is taking some responsibility.

He is most likely overthinking it, which often happens when there is too much time left, and then it’s like a paralysis of too many things to consider, the PP who mentioned 15 mins left and it would be done in 12 was right.

I think part of the problem is that people forget that people with NDs can also be pricks, particularly teens. One does not exclude the other, and it can be very hard at times to differentiate between I can’t or I need help and I don’t want to /can’t be arsed.