To expect my AuDHD young teen to understand the impact of his behaviour on rest of family?

[Thebabycheeses78]

Trying to get my AuDHD DS to get his things together ready for early flight back home. We are staying with family. It is taking forever to do something that has taken my other kids 15 minutes to do.

It’s not just this evening- it’s the same drill all the time. Constant nagging and standing over him to get him to do basic tasks.

and of course, it always descends into a shouting match. If I sound even slightly irate after asking him to do something 10 times, he starts screaming and shouting about how I’m shouting at him.

I end up frazzled and upset. Every trip, every day out, every weekend is like this. I even have to cajole and drag him around to things he wants to go to.

I’d hoped we’d have all been packed 2 hours ago, but it has taken this long to get him moving and he’s still not finished. It means the evening is ruined for everyone and our last day of holiday has been stressful.

he is high functioning. He does well at school. He is someone who will very likely go to university, get a job and outwardly appear functional. But I worry about him- I can see his wife on mumsnet in 25 years at the end of her tether because he won’t adult.

any suggestions on how to get through to him about the impact he is having on others?

Sounds awful. Have you had any counselling or coaching together on how to manage your communication and what you need from each other?

I'm going to hazard a guess that he knows the impact it is having on others. That doesn't mean he can approach it differently.
Clearly, task initiation and organisation is a struggle. Instead of assuming that he is doing it on purpose, I would have thought that your job as a parent is to figure out what would help him with task initiation and time keeping. I'd recommend an occupational therapy assessment. Has he had one?

Why on earth are you repeatedly expecting different behaviour from him when you are repeatedly doing the same things?? How much research have you done on AuDHD? This is textbook behaviour. And sounds like you’re constantly comparing him to his NT siblings which is hugely unhelpful. YOU are the adult here - it’s your responsibility to manage and adapt your own behaviour to support his executive function & what sounds like significant overwhelm. Yes it’s hard, yes it can be frustrating but there’s loads of information/hacks/tips out there to help AuDHD kids figure out how to deal with executive dysfunction & learn coping strategies for the future. None of them involve getting irate, shouting or comparing them to NT kids!

Because he isn’t choosing this behaviour. Transitions are had for lots of autistic people and demand avoidance too.

Why can’t you help him? My dd is 13 and autistic and I did things for her and with her for a lot longer than her older brother. But she is getting there with independence.

High functioning means nothing, it means the impact on others is low. But for him some things will always be much harder. Have you done much research into Autism and adhd?

Pack for him, if he interferes whatever he won’t let packed gets left behind and not replaced .
its ridiculous that your other dc and family are meant to have their lives impacted.

Is he medicated? My audhd child has just meds and it’s made a big difference

This. As someone with AuDHD you can be aware of your impact and still not able to control it (that's kind of the point!). As a parent you can take time to learn about the conditions, how they relate more specifically to him, how to improve your communication with each other and what things you can do to help. You could also explore CBT, mindfulness and medication if not already using it

Does anyone understand AuDHD here? Why are you shouting at him? How much support do you give? How much notice do you give?

It’s not the impact on others that needs worked on, it’s how to manage the tasks you need to help him with. Getting irate at someone who has a disability that affects his functioning rather then trying to put things in place to help isn’t going to work.

No - but I think that’s the next logical step.

i just don’t know where i can access this kind of service ( private or nhs)

because he is high functioning, he didn’t qualify for a
social skills course because he was ok at friendships etc. Few people would recognise he was Autistic ( though ADHD Is more obvious). 15 years ago, my he’d just be seen as ‘difficult’ or disagreeable’

but I really worry about our relationship in the future. As he gets older I have less patience for this. I already catch myself not wanting to spend time with him because he’s a pain in the arse- and I’m his mother and love him dearly!

It is the impact on others, unless you’re telling the rest of the family their needs don’t matter?

Yeah it doesn’t help

when they understand the impact they just get more anxious and it makes the whole thing worse.

(AuDHD daughter)

It’s the equivalent of getting cross with a child in a wheelchair for not climbing some stairs. That’s how you have to think about it.

i have had no counselling, support or anything. What I have done is read a lot about autism, especially from autistic people.

Just because others wouldn’t think he was autistic (what does autism look like???) doesn’t mean it doesn’t considerably effect him.

Help him if there's a non-negotiable time limit. My AuDHD 17 year old needs help to break big tasks into small ones and sequence them. Shouting will only be destroying his self-esteem and making him feel like a failure.

Given him medication but he refuses to take it when not at school.

he isn’t very accepting of his diagnosis as it makes him ‘different’. It’s very difficult to persuade him to accept help.

Would you say this for a child that was slower due to a physical disability? Sorry but the impact of your cerebral palsy/deafness/wheelchair use is too much for us

No I’m saying if he gets help to manage tasks the negative impact on others will lessen. You can’t make a ND person NT which is essentially what people mean when they want the ‘impact’ on them to change. You need to work with what you have, not what you think you should have.

I’m not surprised given that you seem to have an awful attitude towards it.

Is it a case of you not appreciating audhd was a thing until you were already too far along with your parenting? Are you or your partner asd or adhd which may be playing a part (statistically likely)?

It has taken me a lot of time invested in research, applying different communication skills/coping mechanisms, working on mindfulness and affirmations, seeking out extra curricular, fighting for diagnoses and support from young, and paying for therapy... and still my child obviously isnt fixed because they are disabled. But they are able to communicate needs better and I am calm and help them. And I have audhd too so its hard for me.

You can do free ncfe courses on understanding autism, join autism/adhd support groups... you can even just spend time researching on Google. You can seek this information out yourself, if you want to

Sounds like he's struggling and neither of you know how to manage it. With my suspected adhd dc I try body doubling, step by step instructions and/or a list.

Sorry but you are being unreasonable.

I am Audhd and 41 and I can't keep it together always in stressful situations. If was able to function normally and cope he wouldnt be diagnosed.

He might understand the impact it has on other people but find it very difficult to do things differently. It's like me being irate with my dad who has significant mobility problems, it has a massive impact on other people at times but he's limited what he can do to improve things! Just because he is high functioning in some aspects of his life doesn't mean he won't massively struggle in others, if you need him to get up, packed and out you are going to have to support him to do that rather than just expecting him to be like his NT siblings.

Can you finish the packing for him?

Honestly, sometimes just go with the easy option and get the task finished. Once we are on the day before travel I tend to give DD (ADHD/ASD) a few hours to get as much done as she can then I finish it off. She'll have had the suitcase out for a week by this stage preparing to pack. Often now she does what she can and then asks me to check what she's packed and add anything that's missing. Between the 2 of us we get it done without too much stress.

There's a lot going on with going on holiday/having been on holiday, preparing mentally for travel, deadlines with check ins etc. All of it together is quite a lot to deal with, particularly as DD is demand avoidant.

Yes most people can manage it themselves in a relatively short time. If the person with ADHD/ASD could just do that they wouldn't be diagnosed as neurodiverse and be regarded as having a disability. Just telling them to do it doesn't get it done.

More anxious for themselves or for the negative impact they are causing on others?
mn seems so selfish and blinkered on this, which makes me feel awful for the nt dc of some posters who appear to absolutely disregard them as also children, but turn them into support humans who should be so glad to be nt, they will throw themselves on to the pyre of their sibling.

I’ve tried so many approaches. I don’t compare him to his siblings in front of him- I have mentioned it to give posters an idea of the level of difficulty. As you may know, so many people on here just say ‘sounds like a typical teenager to me’ which is why I included it.

I don’t do ‘research’ on AuDHD because I’m not a neuroscientist, psychologist or similar health professional.

If by ‘research’ you mean read the myriad of competing theories and articles online, then yes - I’ve read a lot.

I try so hard to help him, and break down tasks, talk him through steps etc, but he can be so volatile that it can be more stressful.

thats why I came on - to ask what other people facing this do.

im asking for tips and advice rather than a critique of my parenting. While I’m far from perfect, I’ve done a lot for my DS, but this behaviour is breaking me