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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run and TOIL

396 replies

Mumguilt25 · 27/12/2025 19:28

I am 25, mum of 1 (DC is 8). Started a new job in August which is a step up — more money, more freedom and flexibility.

In my previous role I literally had to take my lunch break to cover the school run 🙄. New manager was really relaxed and said just do the school run and also take 30 mins lunch whenever (its an hour otherwise) which felt nice and relaxed.

She’s also agreed I can WFH 3 days a week and be in the office 2, so on WFH days it’s pretty chill.

Everything was going fine until I put in a TOIL request for 4 hours for extra work I did last week. She refused it, saying she appreciated the effort but that it’s “give and take”.

I’m feeling really annoyed by this. I didn’t choose to work extra hours for fun, it was work that needed doing. I also don’t see how flexibility around school runs = unpaid overtime?

AIBU to feel annoyed? We didnt discuss it beforehand.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2025 01:43

This has to be a reverse, surely!

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 01:44

Mumguilt25 · 27/12/2025 23:19

Whats a CF?
Im only asking for additional 4 hours as I stayed late twice

Show quote history

But what about the hours you took for school run? This is exactly what she means by give and take. You want a strict 9-5 with toil for every extra minute worked, you need to put your dd into wrap around care. My work is very much give and take and I’m so grateful for the flex, and I would never ever think I can claim for attending evening meetings- which are not just for fun, just like your extra hours, they are part of my work.

S251 · 28/12/2025 02:51

Mumguilt25 · 27/12/2025 19:43

The school run is 50mins -one hour.

Show quote history

And you’re still having an extra 30 minutes lunch break on the company? If so yes you’re very out of order. It does work both ways and you seem to be very much taking.

Limon22 · 28/12/2025 02:52

Hey, so I get a lot of flex with my work and while I can claim TOIL I really only do it if it’s been an absolutely excessive amount ie not 4 hours. It has to be give and take, as it stands I get unquestioned time off or flexitime if my child is sick, needs collecting early, has an appointment, has a Christmas concert. This week school is off and I haven’t been made to take holiday, just told I can wfh and juggle whatever I need to with my husband.

I know from friends these type of roles sadly aren’t guaranteed, and it’s clear you’re also aware of this given your last job wasn’t flex. It’s shit because as parents I do feel we’re often stuck, but I personally wouldn’t be getting my self upset over four hours TOIL. If it’s really genuine overtime you did ie you can comfortably say it wasn’t extra hours you did to make up for the drive etc. then my advice would be don’t do much genuine overtime again.

WanderleyWagon · 28/12/2025 03:17

YABU. She had given you more time off than you are entitled to so that you could do the school run and also get to have a lunch break on top of that, and now she's told you that the quid pro quo for that is that if you need to stay late, you will do so. These are not 'extra hours' that you are working, because you're getting a few hours a week equivalent of lunch breaks on top of the hour for the school run; they are replacement hours for the time you're spending doing the school run.

It is perfectly reasonable of her to expect you to be flexible and to expect you to work the overall hours that you are contracted to. Sounds like you've been a bit oblivious, but you know the score now.

CookingFatCat · 28/12/2025 03:25

You get lunch and time for school run? Unpaid?
Count your hours - flexible working isn’t about working for free.

ladyamy · 28/12/2025 04:26

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2025 19:38

Go back to her and say you’re so sorry you’ve not been clear, that you don’t take longer in the school day off than your permitted breaks. Lay it on THICK, say so sorry she’s been thinking all along you were taking extra time etc etc, that you never would.

and then state you will of course take your 4 hours toil at this time.

TOIL has to be mutually agreed, and OP’s was turned down so I don’t know how well ‘of course I’ll take my 4 hours toil at this time’ will go down

iKuartz · 28/12/2025 04:29

You are taking 1h30m of lunch everyday with no compensation, a benefit to which only you are entitled and expect to otherwise have all the benefits to which your coworkers are entitled? Why only you?

Sugargliderwombat · 28/12/2025 04:29

Yes you are very unreasonable.

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 28/12/2025 05:17

It's entitiled attitudes like this that make it really difficult for management to be flexible around childcare etc because there'll always be somebody that takes the absolute piss. OP people have spelled out in black and white for you why you shouldn't be expecting this TOIL It sounds like you're skipping out on at least 4 hours a fortnite of contracted work time. If I was your boss I'd be being hair splittingly pedantic about your working hours from now on and coming down on you like a tonne of bricks for any contract violations. Like your boss said it's give and take and you don't have a divine right to this job or the flexibility that it offers.

Parker231 · 28/12/2025 05:38

Mumguilt25 · 27/12/2025 23:19

Whats a CF?
Im only asking for additional 4 hours as I stayed late twice

Show quote history

When do you pay back the additional time you have had off for the school run?

Ineffable23 · 28/12/2025 06:29

So if you added up all the hours you've worked, and excluded all the time you've spent on lunch or on the school run, have you worked 4 hours more than your total contracted hours over the time you've been there?

rwalker · 28/12/2025 06:42

If I’ve got this right you take 50m for school run and 30m lunch so that’s 20m everyday they give you which equals 6.5 hours a month
yet you want to give nothing back

tbh attitudes like this spoil it for everyone

ApolloandDaphne · 28/12/2025 07:05

You are taking extra time off every day for the school run. You can't ask for toil. You should be doing this every week to make up the time lost.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 28/12/2025 07:33

I dont understand this if you are in a salaried position.

Paid by the hour like a cleaner or a supermarket worker...yes fine.

But you are a salaried office worker.

I take time in lieu when I have to get up at 8am Sunday and go to nyc for a monday meeting and its agreed in advance.

A 9pm meeting or working for 2 hrs after kids go to sleep is not a TOIL situation.

You need to read the room if you like your job and the money

QuirkyHorse · 28/12/2025 07:39

Sounds like she has gone out of her way to accommodate your needs.
You WFH, which in your own words is chill, that to me says you're not working flat out whilst WFH, so have quite a charmed working life.
You repay her flexibility by taking the piss when working a few more hours.

Don't be so entitled!
If you'd been a little more humble and explained you'd worked over and why, she may have been more amenable to give you TOIL.

whowhatwerewhy · 28/12/2025 07:53

If I was your boss I would be telling you that going forward it’s 1h lunch , if this is taken up by the school run bad luck .
You have taken the piss with asking for Toil .

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 28/12/2025 07:54

It’s a bit hard to respond on this thread with limited info.

OP can you tell us more about the time it actually takes to do the school run. Is it 50 mins for both and then you still take a lunch break?

Ellie1015 · 28/12/2025 08:11

You get an additional 20-30 mins every day (school run 50-60 plus 30 min lunch). So yes i would work late occasionally when needed. If i was regularly working more than 2.5 hours over my weekly hours I might have a rethink but otherwise it is cheeky.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 28/12/2025 08:14

I think it’s the “quite chill” wfh days too that sound very flexible and may get taken away if you push too much.

mamajong · 28/12/2025 08:17

So if the school.run is 50mins to an hour you are 20-30 mins over every day? Your manager is right, its either give and take OR work to rule, you cant have both.

Radiator981 · 28/12/2025 08:17

What sort of job is it? Is it a professional role? As over time is seen as standard as in you do what you need to do to get the job done

themerchentofvenus · 28/12/2025 08:19

Mumguilt25 · 27/12/2025 23:19

Whats a CF?
Im only asking for additional 4 hours as I stayed late twice

Show quote history

But you get an extra 20 mins paid every day already.

If you started in August that's over 7 hours!

So you can surely see why asking for 5 hours overtime is taking the piss??

moleeye · 28/12/2025 08:22

Good grief, the entitlement.

So it takes you 50 mins to- hour to do the school run and you take 30 mins for lunch and you’ve asked to be paid for TOIL. Which is basically you doing your contracted hours

I think you’ll find your boss soon stops being flexible….

ittakes2 · 28/12/2025 09:58

Your boss is basically giving you 30 extra mins each day so you can both do the school run and eat lunch. That’s 2.5hrs extra a week or 10hrs a month. So yes 4hrs extra from you is nothing in the scheme of things. She could do what the other company did and your school run is your lunch break.