To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

It sounds like they have made choices to not work full time and rely on the top ups from the parents to fund their lifestyle.
If sister is a yoga instructor can she not get a job as a fitness instructor at a gym? Is yoga all she is trained in, as I know personal trainers who make a lot of money. Likewise if the husband is meant to be a landscape gardener a lot of money can be made from that (if he actually works enough hours and is good at what he does).
It very much sounds like they have opted out of work knowing they can still enjoy nice things because they get it given to them. This isn't them falling on tough times, rather making the choice not to. For most people to make a choice like that and wanting a stress free life, they accept that their lifestyle might be different and they won't be able to go on holidays, afford luxury items etc.

Your parents have made a choice that is deeply unfair.

I agree with pp who said your lifestyle rather than being “the same” as your sister is actually much worse due to your commuting requirements, work stress etc.

not being answerable to them is definitely better and ofcourse you have sorted your own problems without the bank of mum & dad but it’s disgusting if they haven’t set aside equal amounts of money for you (and by default your children).

Well one is a yoga teacher and one has a 'corporate' job. Not sure there really is much objective difference in 'value'

OP, the fact your dad revealed their hidden long term secret makes me think he knows it is unfair. What type of personality does your sister have, could she have started this up by manipulating them?

really unfair. It's likely your sister and her partner have been able to spend time and do things with their DC that you haven't because you've been working more hours to afford to live the same lifestyle. As you say, perhaps you would have liked to work part time and volunteer/do a job you loved that paid less as well.

Their logic doesn't even make sense - it sounds as if, had you not had a fairly good lifestyle and were also a bit limited for funds they wouldn't have bothered topping your sister up, because then it would have been 'fair.' What would they have done if you'd had an extremely wealthy lifestyle - very well paid career/married a millionaire/won the lottery and they couldn't have topped her up to the same despite their best intentions?

It's not as though you had a better lifestyle than your sister because of something out of her control like disability. You had extra because you worked more - i.e. put more in and got more out. That's the very definition of fair. Whereas her getting stuff for free is unfair. By trying to make things fair your parents have favoured her unfairly and basically done the complete opposite.

Just send df the link to a cruise you and dh fancy.
Maybe a new car?. New kitchen?
Imo the damage he has done is irreparable... Does dm know you know?

They might be jobs and both of some value but only one is of monetary value. You take your pick which one you do , and don't expect top ups because of your choices. It is clear what type of job you do.

I'd want to know what OPs DPs would do if she and her husband decided to give up their jobs and do something part time. Would they stop paying for DSis, because obviously their lifestyles would no longer align? Would they have to pay for BOTH families to keep the lifestyles the same as they had been previously? Keep paying DSis, who would then end up in a far better financial situation than OP? I mean, what is their end game? Have they even thought it through?

Fair enough for parents to allocate THEIR OWN MONEY on whoever they want, that I presumed they worked really hard for.....

Yea OP, my sister was the Golden Child too. It hurts but can't go through life bitching about it.

Just feel blessed with what you have or talk it out with a good friend or therapist.
Most therapists are crap because they never went through what you did

Hi OP. You sound like a pleasant person and have a good relationship with your family. This revelation has come as a bit of a shock but you don’t seem the sort of person who wants to smash the family up because of it; I hope not.

We all like to think we know what we’d do in other people’s circumstances but I do think demanding parity and some of the other ideas put forward here by posters who I think of as being a bit ‘knee jerk and damn the consequences’, would harm the dynamic.

Could I suggest you have a calm chat with your parents and say that you didn’t know until the other day that they had been helping your sister and her family and it’s taken you by surprise. Although you understand they want your sister’s family to have a similar lifestyle to your family, you feel they have been underpinning your sister’s family to have not just a similar lifestyle but a better quality of life than you and your husband. You are proud of what you and your husband have achieved but need them to know is has been a balance between lifestyle and quality of life at times due to having demanding work and commutes.

You don’t want to upset the whole family dynamic but, sadly, you can’t unknow now what has been said and has happened but it might take a while to understand and deal with your feelings. You might say you’re not asking for your parents to make any changes in their arrangements, just for them to understand your feelings.

This might actually be more likely to make them consider making changes than an all guns blazing approach.

I wish you well but do hope you feel you can take a softly, softly approach.

Says who? The sister made a choice and the parents have also made a choice. OP can also make a choice. OP is an architect, she could step away from the rat race and work 2 days a week for herself, she may then find that other support is offered to her, who knows? There is nothing compelling the OP to work full time and commute 2 hours a day, they are all choices.

Make a big announcement you and dh are going part time and offer up your bank details...

even if those dc have deliberately limited their own earning and professional potential??

I presume what compels OP to work hard is she needs the money for things like mortgage, bills, food and she has pride.

Thanks for this.

We do have a great family relationship, there's no issues across anything and I have no intention of going in full of demands and ultimatums and ruining that

I think your approach sounds great. I'm meeting them in town tomorrow and we'll have a calm, honest, respectful chat and see what comes of it

What will your Dsis and her husband do when your parents die op? Or they need their own money for care home fees or in home care? The gravy train will stop at some point for some reason.

This makes the assumption that the sister asked for help, there is no indication that she did so much as the parents offering. There is nothing more inherently moral about earning money rather than being given it despite what some people might tell you! The choices available to the sister are also available to the op, they may not have the same outcomes but the same choices are available if she wants to make them.

Please let us know how it goes 🤗

This is really horrible for you OP. I absolutely would say something. I’m with other posters. Say something like ‘had no idea this was an option, doing x career with this commute and having kids in childcare is tough, going to be looking at going part time and I assume you (the parents) will be making up the difference?’.

if the answer is no then the question back is ‘why not given that is what you’ve done for her’.

honestly there wouldn’t be a way back from this if they weren’t willing to do the same for me. It sounds cold but I’d be livid.

Maybe they have already talked them into a larger portion of the inheritance pot. Wouldn't surprise me.

Good luck, OP

I would be so upset. It’s the long term keeping of secrets that is the worst aspect.

Pride is a very unhelpful emotion as a general rule. Great to be proud of yourself but pride in general not so much IMO. OP and her husband are both relatively high earners it would seem so could conceivably work less if they were happy to take a lifestyle hit. I am not saying they should but they are clearly not scraping by on minimum wage

This favouritism never ends well.

I have a friend who found out recently that not only is SHE subsidising her son and his GF but the GF's family are too. So in addition to small amounts of their own earnings because her son only works on a zero hours contract, while his GF is officially a performing artist but never does any actual paid performing work.

Yet my friend has 2 other children that she never financially subsidises and the GF/DiL's family never subsidise the other sibling on their side either.

Nice middle class lifestyle, very little of it paid for by the actual couple.

My friend's other children want nothing to do with her son/their brother because of it. And the other family's other child is on very limited contact.

If I was any of those parents, I'd have to ask myself if playing favourites was actually worth ruining your relationship with your OTHER children.

Parents of course are allowed to have favourites & to privilege one child over another. There’s no law against it! It’s just a really shitty thing to do.

I have to admit I would find it difficult to maintain family relationships in these circumstances, particularly knowing that my time with my children had been more limited than my sibling’s - as though her role as mother was somehow more important than mine. I suspect I’d feel that the family I thought I had never really existed. Kind of like discovering that your partner has been unfaithful- reality is not what you thought it was.

If my children make very different choices, and one is much more successful, I’d still threat them equally- then if the more successful one wants to share with his siblings, that will be his choice and a gift from him to them. I think that’s really the only way, except perhaps in cases of illness or disability, which clearly is not the case here.

Similar in my family - my older sibling has train smashed their way through adulthood - and been subsidised and favoured by parent the entire time as 'oh, poor them...' whilst I work my butt off and make choices to enable my family to have a home, good education and activities, some (but limited) travel etc but at a price for my wellbeing (serious illness that impacted our lives for years and my financial situation) and stress. My sibling has had some difficult life events - but being brutally honest - of their own making, but still seems to reap benefits financially from others and my parent. I have mostly accepted it, just asked my parent to stop with the false narrative that they were being 'fair' to us both. What also helped it not being thrust in my face all the time was switching the narrative and starting to say 'oh, I wish I was financially fortunate enough to be able to choose to work part time/ quit work' etc - the sharing of life details reduced significantly when I was pointing that disparity out!