To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Also was it you earlier who said earned money is no different to gifted money then in the next breath that you hate landlords? That makes absolutely no sense.

But the help was not offered when the OP’s husband was made redundant. Also you have no way of knowing if the parents estate will be split evenly especially given what has been going on

That’s a separate conversation. Perhaps they thought he had a good redundancy pay off or whatever. If not and they knew OP was struggling, then that would be a valid cause for a bit of resentment, and certainly for a frank and open conversation about fairness and favouritism. I’m clearly in the minority here, but I genuinely would be happy for my siblings to all be able to have the same standard of life as me, even if that meant they were getting money from my parents that I wasn’t. I also don’t think about inheritance and all that. It’s weird how entitled people feel to their parents money.

Why do they even need to know? I don't believe they do.

And??

Well given that my post was in response to a post that addressed work ethic, I am not sure why you have decided to intervene!

We get it, you think the OPs parents are cunts (your words) and you are NC with your own family (probably your parents judging by your rage levels on this thread). Maybe this has stirred up personal stuff for you, who knows?💁

I agree. Do some people just hate their siblings ?

Not me, I don't give a shiny shit about landlords!

fair enough, must’ve been someone else

I cannot get over them matching your salary. How childish.

The Sunday Times article is bang on when it talks about parents giving to the child who hasn’t cut the umbilical cord. And let’s face it, your sister hasn’t cut it. She’s older than you, in her 40s and has her mortgage, her car and her holidays paid for by mummy and daddy while she uses her income as pocket money. She’s a child - not a responsible adult.

If it were my daughter, she’d get such a kick up the arse she fly straight into a job (or try harder at the current one.) But I somehow don’t think I will have to do that.

I’d give them all the silent treatment for a while. Say you’ve got ever so much work that it’s difficult to make time for family, friends or indeed yourself.

One more thought: it seems pretty certain that your sister hasn’t made any plans to finance her retirement. Does this mean the inheritance will not be equal between the two of you?

That may well be the case, but that’s up to the Parents. That’s their choice. Perhaps op should not have said anything about her pay? Either way it’s a horrible game to start comparing yourself with your siblings. How do we know the parents premises was about fairness. We don’t know the Family history or dynamics. As someone said up thread maybe there is a history we don’t know about.

Well, I think it really is their choice what they do with their money. I also think that it's great that you're independent and that your parents think that you're managing well on your own - I bet they're really proud of you.

It is their choice but choices have consequences & as a parent I would never treat my dc like this.

Seeing one sibling so blatantly favoured is a sure fire way to make someone hate their sibling if they didn’t before. I would not be happy at all for my sibling in this situation! I’d in fact be embarrassed for them that they’re an adult living off parental handouts, it’s pathetic. I think even if I found out this was a friend’s situation I’d distance myself, I don’t think I’d want a relationship with someone happy to be such a parasite.

Either way it’s a horrible game to start comparing yourself with your siblings

Which is why it’s crazy that the parents did this & decided to make up for the difference in lifestyles.

I would be upset that your parents have failed to see why you might be upset with their obvious favoritism of your sister. As someone else pointed out this isn't about making things even, despite what your parents might think.
My Brother gets to go on exotic long haul holidays, I don't because I can't afford that sort of travel, I would never expect my parents to pay for me to travel to the places he does so we are 'even' , that would be really weird.

Why does it need to be a secret? Why hide it?

If it's the right thing to do, what's the problem with the siblings knowing about it?

I think in this case, op's reaction explains why her parents hid it.

I’m clearly in the minority here, but I genuinely would be happy for my siblings to all be able to have the same standard of life as me, even if that meant they were getting money from my parents that I wasn’t

But they haven’t got the same life standard, that’s the point. I would want to reduce my hours and see my dc more if my parents were facilitating one of my siblings to stay part time.

Do you send copies of all of your bank statements to your wider family? If not, why not? Do you have something to hide? Or is it just that it's quite normal for adults to maintain a level pf privacy regarding their finances.

I agree. Do some people just hate their siblings

I love mine, my parents gave me a couple of k for Christmas. I wouldn’t accept it if they didn’t do the same for my siblings.

I'm not being bailed out by a parent while my siblings are expected to be responsible for themselves.

I would ask your parents what their plans are for their will otherwise there might be a bigger surprise coming down the line.

Favoritism is a problem in many families, big and small.

You arms must be hurting from all that reaching 😆😆

Because the DSis told the OP that the parents wanted her to have the same nice things that the OP had but they knew she couldn’t due to her income. So it’s been about a perceived “fairness” from day dot. But it’s only ever been fair in one direction! Yes the parents can do what they want. Doesnt make their actions any less unpleasant.