To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Nope, sorry @RipsMyKnitting I couldn't even RTFT as I was so devastated for you.. this is your LIFE that's been ripped up & thrown, not just fifty quid here or there.. the LIES.. I would feel such a fool to have not known, but of course it would be the parents / sis's fault..
I'd be going NC & leaving them to it, I really would, I couldn't look any of them in the face again. I'm SO hurt for you. xx

In your opinion it's NOT good, I am sure you are not arrogant enough to believe that everyone shares your view.

Except it wasn't equal as everyone else had already had a fortune.

Ask your parents why and listen to the answer. Be calm, it’s hurtful. Might be things you don’t know yet or whoever let it slip has an agenda.

Really?

dear sister...

Some parents DO choose to show up with manifestly and shockingly poor parenting skills. I'm guessing they wouldn't share my view 😳

I just wouldn't be impressed with one of my children questioning my choices, about my money that I earn. It's cheeky.
Obviously some people don't agree and I'm fine with that.

I’m in a similar situation
Dsis has always spoken about she wants to be a sahm and be there for her kids, so has chosen part time work which has been subsidised by our parents. It’s one in a long line of ways she is unfairly favoured.
Recenty one of our parents became ill and said wondered why she was doing the lions share of running around until I pointed out that I work for and need my actual wage to feed my children.

The meeting with your parents was unlikely to yield a satisfactory result. I think the very sad outcome is that this will change the family dynamics, it’s hard to see how you can put this to the side and resume some kind of normal relations with your family - I hope you can because if you don’t you’ve lost a lot more than just the money side of things.

Fair enough, but I am not sure that simply not adhering to your rigid view on the central virtues of the protestant work ethic is equivalent to shockingly poor parenting skills!

I’d be happy for my sister in the same situation. It’s nice that she’s having the same lifestyle as you. Why wouldn’t you want her to? I assume you chose those high pressure, corporate jobs. You could have chosen less pressured jobs yourselves and had less money. Your parents sound fairly wealthy, so I assume would be paying for more stuff for you if that had been the case.

Oh... I don't know 🤣

I really feel for you OP.
I would feel very hard done by considering how much some help might have made life easier with your young children.
It is very disappointing when you realise that your parents are not straight shooters.

I believe it is very important to be fair with all children.
Penalising the independent child whom has never asked for anything and has always made their way is not kind.

But they paid NOTHING to the OP when her husband was made redundant.

Come now, what are you doing messing around on the internet when you could be engaged in meaningful work to keep those capitalist gears grinding round. It's the only moral way after all! 😉

Your choice to trade your children differently will have an impact on family relationships. To think otherwise is being naive. But you have the right to make the choice and your children have the right to react to that choice - you can’t stop that.

I don’t understand how your parents could possibly think there is nothing wrong with this.
However, would you really have chosen a lesser career had you known your parents financial support would be available? If your parents financial situation changes, your sister would be screwed and your lifestyle would continue.

However, your father saying “you must let me know about the cost” when your sister was talking about holidays- what is that about?

Odd that you say the transaction between the parents and sister is nothing to do with the OP. It's the OP's life that is being used as a measuring stick - 'Your sister has this much so we'll top you up to the same standard'

The secrecy would be eating away at me. The OP clearly never made any assumptions as to how her sister afforded a nice life on their salaries, yet there sat sister and the parents totting it all up. For 10 years. 10 years. Neither parent mentioned help when the OP's family has a job loss. The sister never said - perhaps have a word with Mum and Dad as they have been helping me. The four of them have had this secret and kept it away from OP - I would have been hurt.

The sister seriously has one giraffe length brass neck by saying she fancies a long haul holiday next year in front of OP knowing that Daddy will be paying for it and not the daughter sitting next to her.

Absolutely 😀

But she’s getting to work part time whilst having the same financial life style,

Oh my god. It’s not about money and work ethic as literally everyone has pointed out. It’s about the messages it sends. As I’ve said many times I am literally one of those people who doesn’t care about climbing the greasy pole and chooses freelance life and 2 months holiday per year. That is a totally valid choice to make. Massively favouring one child over the other is, in my and many others’ view, shitty parenting. Now, in this case it happens to be done through money but it could manifest in any number of ways. Of course there are people who disagree and are entitled to their opinion, I’m equally entitled to think their opinion sucks and reflects terribly on them as parents and people.

But the arrangement only came about because OP said how much she was getting paid in a new role and they have made up the difference since then. The parents have acted on a direct comparison - it’s them that have made assumptions without factoring in tax or other considerations. It’s them that have made it completely about money and then have the gall to accuse the OP of making it about money- not even referencing the initial costs that the OP incurred to get herself into that position in the first place. Was that fair? Their premise has been about fairness or levelling up. Conveniently choosing to omit facts that don’t fit that narrative.

Why is it cheeky? If you've chosen to fund one child but not the other, why is it cheeky for the child who didn't get funded to ask about it?

If you're sure it's the right thing, there's nothing to be ashamed of, so why would the non funded child asking about it be wrong?

This would change future relationships for me, I would t go NC but would start by prioritising partners family etc if there was a clash in timings etc.

just wouldn't be impressed with one of my children questioning my choices, about my money that I earn. It's cheeky.

lol, do people actually think this or just like being contrary.