Page 31 | To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

RipsMyKnitting · 2025-12-27T16:43:50+00:00

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all. My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could. DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance. But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to. How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous. It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point. Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Katflapkit · 28/12/2025 19:22

budgiegirl · 28/12/2025 18:24

So difficult, and I can see how you must feel very hurt.

But in your situation, I might sit back and have a think about how this situation has come about. Perhaps it's been hard for your DPs to watch your sister struggle for things that you can afford. If, for example, you are going on a nice holiday, or have an expensive car, and your parents can see that your sister can't afford these things, then it might only seem natural to them to offer to treat her. I guess as a one off this is fine, but perhaps it then developed beyond their original intentions. You know them better than we do, do you think this was a deliberate snub to you, or just a desire by them to help your sister have some of things that you have. They may, in their own way, see this as being fair.

My BIL and his wife have had far, far more money given to them by my in-laws over the years, probably many thousands more. When they were first starting out, and had small children, my in-laws provided full-time childcare, they paid for their utilities for years, they often paid for shopping for them. They took them all on long-haul holidays on several occasions, and never once offered these things to us because we could afford our own. It never really occurred to me that this was unfair, because we financially ok, whereas my BIL's family were not, due to the decisions they made (having kids very young etc). It's just how it was.

With hindsight, it does seem unfair, but it doesn't bother me or my husband because at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I can see why it happened.

I guess the difference is that they were open about it, it wasn't a secret. It also wasn't a regular 'top up', it was paying for things as they needed them, although it all amounts to the same thing. It was a desire by my in-laws to help their child have a more comfortable life than they could afford for themselves.

But it's 'lifestyle' not need. This has been going on for 10. The parents could have helped the sister re-train to a career more lucrative than a part time yoga teacher. But instead they have chosen to give the sister a monthly top up.

Smilesinthesunshine · 28/12/2025 19:23

My DH has experienced a similar situation within his family. When we were first together we were considered to be the successful ones. We had a lovely house, cars etc, but worked very hard for it all. We then had two DC and DH lost his job and things began to fall apart. Eventually we lost our house and ended up in a homeless hostel, it was an indescribably awful time. My DH asked, but was refused help from his parents and eventually we clawed our way back up. In the meantime his parents decided to buy his eldest sister a house outright as she was having trouble with her landlord. We then found out they gave his youngest sister a large deposit for her first property and his elder brother had been bailed out many times with thousands of pounds.
At least when they died, the will was equally divided!!

JustSawJohnny · 28/12/2025 19:25

RipsMyKnitting · 28/12/2025 17:05

I met them after lunch, DSis wasn't there, I mentioned I talked to her about it a bit yesterday, they didn't say whether they knew I'd spoken to her or of they'd discussed it further between themselves.

I stayed calm and just asked for some clarity on the secrecy and explained the feeling of unfairness I was struggling with. I wasn't there to demand anything, but the reaction was probably worse than a row. No recognition of the issue just quite blase and dismissive. Dad just shut it down, saying we’ve all had the benefit of being comfortable so why make money a topic now? I tried to explain it wasn't the money but it didn't really seem to register with them.

The fairly quick explanation was that we don't "need" DP the way DSis does. I didn't comment about DSis on her need or not.

Turns out as I thought they’ve been funnelling money to DSis for over 10 years, I asked about the approximate value or if theyd kept track of it and was told they'd not be discussing the details with me.

They actually think leaving me out of the loop was a compliment to my success. Dad even said he thought I should be 'proud' that I don't need to be supported.

But when I asked why they kept it hidden and why DSis looked embarrassed when it came out on Christmas day they just said there was no preference between us and they just went back to asking why does it need to be about money now.

I think they truly believe they’re being noble, and that I’m just being unnecessarily petty because I’m already doing well.

I deliberately didn't make a scene, I've no intentions of making a stance or crying foul, we talked about other things and then I left to go pick the kids up from an activity.

Not sure I'm going to do any more about it. It seems they're oblivious to the actual issue.

Oh, this would piss me right off!

Not only are they playing favourites but they're gaslighting you into thinking you should be proud to be the 'unaided' sibling!

It's really shitty that all of your hard work is just sidelined as something you CHOSE and are 'lucky' to have. Plus it's ridiculous to cite your successes as the cause of DSis's monthly handouts!.

You're a better woman than me, OP. I'd be spending the holidays in a t-shirt that reads 'ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS A HARD WORKING OLDER SIBLING SO I CAN FANNY ABOUT WITH A HOBBY 'CAREER' AND HAVE MY PARENTS MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE'.

Your sister and her husband are grabby twats and your parents are playing golden child to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I'd be seriously reducing contact, especially with your Sis, and not divulging information of your salaries etc in future.

Prioritise your own little family over them from hereon in.

You are not their priority. Meet them with the same energy.

RolexHoarder · 28/12/2025 19:27

I would be having it out with my sister, absolutely shocking behaviour by your parents.

UnhappyHobbit · 28/12/2025 19:27

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:04

I don't think it's a keeping score levelling up every penny type thing

It's that we have a 4 bed house and 2 cars and go on a couple of holidays a year and that sounds like it's become the general in principle benchmark

Not like I spend £1,234 on a holiday so DF writes a cheque for DSis for £1,234

I actually called DSis to talk to through, explained I was surprised and a bit put out

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

She gets a monthly allowance transferred to help cover life costs. She said it goes towards their mortgage, her car is totally paid for by DP and that they use it for other family costs like holidays and Christmas and birthdays. she said she wasn't comfortable saying how much without discussing it together with DP and me and her. She wants to talk about it all together tomorrow

Can't really fathom how much it could be, 10/15/20k/ yr?

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This is outrageous in my opinion! It’s beyond unfair. Did they factor in the tax you pay when they transferred the salary equivalent!? Like another poster said, they’re living a nice lifestyle without all the stress you have by earning the money. They should factor that in.

thedramaQueen · 28/12/2025 19:28

Some assumptions being made here.

I get why op is upset, although I think it is misplaced. It's not secrecy, as what parents do with their money is their business - this was an arrangement between them and your sister - frankly not your business - therefore, no secrecy.

Secondly, people are assuming that sister is having an easy life because she doesn't have a corporate job which is absolute nonsense.

We only have op's word that they have chosen this 'easy lifestyle'.

Just because they appear to have a "relaxed" life style does not necessarily mean they haven't and don't work hard for what they have. Would be interesting to hear the sister's view on the situation. As the saying goes comparison is the thief of joy.

Lightthefuse · 28/12/2025 19:32

What is a Dsis please - so many acronyms!

Daleksatemyshed · 28/12/2025 19:35

I'm not sure how you get over this Op. I wouldn't want to talk to any of them right now, it's one thing for them to give your DSis money but the keeping it secret would rile me. They didn't tell you because they knew it wasn't fair, they knew you'd be upset so they've kept it to themselves,now you know and they expect you not to have a problem with it.
Your parents think they've been kind, in fact they've taken away any drive your DSis might have had to make a better career or learn to support herself whilst watching you work all hours. Your parent's may think they've been kind but I think they've been pretty shitty, if this fractures your relationship with your DSis that will be their fault

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:36

I'm not sure.
If there is a big disparity in income between my dc's when they are older, with one jetting off all over the place, whilst the other couldn't even afford one holiday, I'd probably help out.
I wouldn't think it needed a discussion with the other dc and I would find being questioned about it quite insulting tbh.

croydon15 · 28/12/2025 19:36

So your DSIS decided that she wants an expensive holiday she can't afford and DF will pay, she's a cf and l could not see her in the same light after realising that

Advocodo · 28/12/2025 19:37

I haven’t read every single thread but you are bound to feel hurt. I would too. If any of my adult children had financial difficulties or an illness that impacted their ability to earn then I would supplement their income but this is a very different scenario and it isn’t right or fair in my eyes.

TangerinePlate · 28/12/2025 19:37

@RipsMyKnitting have a nice time with your DH’s family. As for your family of origin-let them come to you and proceed how you wish.
They should be all ashamed for sidelining you like this.
Onwards and upwards, all the best for 2026💐

MrsDoubtingMyself · 28/12/2025 19:38

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:36

I'm not sure.
If there is a big disparity in income between my dc's when they are older, with one jetting off all over the place, whilst the other couldn't even afford one holiday, I'd probably help out.
I wouldn't think it needed a discussion with the other dc and I would find being questioned about it quite insulting tbh.

There's a disparity in income because sister and BIL dont work much and have chosen low paying jobs

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 19:40

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:36

I'm not sure.
If there is a big disparity in income between my dc's when they are older, with one jetting off all over the place, whilst the other couldn't even afford one holiday, I'd probably help out.
I wouldn't think it needed a discussion with the other dc and I would find being questioned about it quite insulting tbh.

Why would you feel the need to help out though if the low income was entirely down to choice and not circumstance like disability etc? It sends an awful message to both siblings

junglejunglebear · 28/12/2025 19:40

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:36

I'm not sure.
If there is a big disparity in income between my dc's when they are older, with one jetting off all over the place, whilst the other couldn't even afford one holiday, I'd probably help out.
I wouldn't think it needed a discussion with the other dc and I would find being questioned about it quite insulting tbh.

Why would it be insulting? If you were certain you were doing the right thing, why would it be a problem if the other child asked about it?

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:41

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 19:40

Why would you feel the need to help out though if the low income was entirely down to choice and not circumstance like disability etc? It sends an awful message to both siblings

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That's if it is entirely down to choice. Outside of the mn world, not everyone has university / high achiever potential.

LamentableShoes · 28/12/2025 19:43

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:41

That's if it is entirely down to choice. Outside of the mn world, not everyone has university / high achiever potential.

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Have you read the OP's posts where she she explains it's the sister's choice?

PrettyFox · 28/12/2025 19:44

OP what an awful situation. They kept a secret because they know it wasn’t fair and now they are gaslighting you.

Absolutely fine to help one child more than other if one is really struggling financially but that is not the situation here. They are just enabling a life style that can’t be sustained by the careers that your sister and brother in law decided to pursue.

I am sorry, your sister sounds lazy and opportunistic. In her 40’s receiving monthly allowances from her parents to pay for lifestyle she can’t afford?! Get a better job. Prefer to have the relaxed, flexible job? Then face the financial consequences.

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 19:44

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:41

That's if it is entirely down to choice. Outside of the mn world, not everyone has university / high achiever potential.

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Ok…and? Let’s say one was very academic or business-minded and the other wasn’t (but you don’t necessarily need a degree or academic ability to be a high earner). Why would you feel the need to make their lifestyles equal? People defending the OP’s parents and sister are quick to say “life isn’t fair” which works both ways, so if one’s abilities were not on par with another’s is that not just a case of life not being fair?

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 28/12/2025 19:45

Daleksatemyshed · 28/12/2025 19:35

I'm not sure how you get over this Op. I wouldn't want to talk to any of them right now, it's one thing for them to give your DSis money but the keeping it secret would rile me. They didn't tell you because they knew it wasn't fair, they knew you'd be upset so they've kept it to themselves,now you know and they expect you not to have a problem with it.
Your parents think they've been kind, in fact they've taken away any drive your DSis might have had to make a better career or learn to support herself whilst watching you work all hours. Your parent's may think they've been kind but I think they've been pretty shitty, if this fractures your relationship with your DSis that will be their fault

This. I’m so sorry to read your update OP. I hope you can work through it all somehow

MrsDoubtingMyself · 28/12/2025 19:48

Minnie798 · 28/12/2025 19:41

That's if it is entirely down to choice. Outside of the mn world, not everyone has university / high achiever potential.

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It's very possible to earn high even if you have no degree. But you DO have to choose your career well and work hard.

And if you don't choose your career well and work hard it is NOT your parents role to pay you as though you do

That's called nepotism and is NOT good

Pipsquiggle · 28/12/2025 19:49

@RipsMyKnitting The pp with the Times article link is well worth a read - it will help you clarify your thoughts and frame your points if there are future opportunities to talk about this

lemonts · 28/12/2025 19:50

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 19:44

Ok…and? Let’s say one was very academic or business-minded and the other wasn’t (but you don’t necessarily need a degree or academic ability to be a high earner). Why would you feel the need to make their lifestyles equal? People defending the OP’s parents and sister are quick to say “life isn’t fair” which works both ways, so if one’s abilities were not on par with another’s is that not just a case of life not being fair?

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Yes it's clear that YOU wouldn't feel any need to try and make lifestyles more equal, and that's fine, that would be your choice. What is unclear is why you think that is the ONLY acceptable choice. You seem unable to conceive of the fact that the OPs parents and others on this thread may simply have a different view on things to you and these views may be equally valid.

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 19:50

RipsMyKnitting · 28/12/2025 19:15

Thanks everyone for all the posts of support and sympathy and tales of similar family dramas.

I'm not sure what or how or even if this will pan out. We've all still got another week off work so going to spend that time with DH and the kids. Going to DH's DB's for new year so looking forward to that and enjoying time with his side of the family who we also get on great with.

Fingers crossed for no New Year's day revelation from his side! 🙄

I'm not going to have any more updates on this so just wanted to say thanks to all before slipping off out the back door of this thread.

Happy new year to everyone when it comes

Rip x

Stay strong OP. Have a great New Year.

This is an ongoing situation. No need to decide how you feel yet, or make any decisions.

bigfacthunter · 28/12/2025 19:50

The only thing I think you have the right to be upset about is the lack of support during redundancy. Everything else really is none of your business, at all. Your parents want grandkids on both sides to have holidays and a certain level of comfort, you don’t need the support to achieve this but sister does. YABVU Do not bring up anything