To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I asked similar a few pages back. Turns out parents can gift children money if it is a regular allowance and comes out of income.

But there will be some other implications too, I am sure.

I could have written this. But I just want to say it’s not your fault your relationship with your sister and mother is damaged. They damaged it, not you. They wanted you to shut up and just accept being treated as ‘lesser’ than your sister and they can fuck right off with that. Yes I’m projecting! But it’s still true.

I think if we are equating love with money then yes this is a huge deal.

i don’t think your Dad said it deliberately I think it’s just been the norm and he assumed you knew.

like you have already said, you need to speak to your parents just so they know you know and that whilst you don’t begrudge your sister getting the support, the ‘fairness’ of it tips the scales.

i think you’ll feel better once you’ve spoken to them.

Gosh, I would be so hurt at this. OP I hope you are okay.
In any future conversations, I would stress the impact on the grandchildren. The fact your sister is being subsidised means that she gets to have a better life work balance and spends more time with the children. How can that be fair? Why is this not an option for you?

She has spoken to them, today.

Completely agree with this. So sorry Op, be kind to
yourself & I hope you can find peace with it all.

TBH I think the OP is going to have to come to the very sad conclusion/realisation that her parents just don't care. Or they wouldn't be doing what they're doing.

They've said as much, anyway.

Thank you for this post, as I thought i was the unreasonable one being that i'm in a situation not too dissimilar and it makes me resentful and bitter.
I have said something to my mum but it ended in an argument, so then I said something to my brother in front of mum that ended up in an argument and my mum hit me (I called my brother a freeloader)
For context my mum struggles financially and I feel like he relies on her too much, putting her under more strain.

Your dad was tactless spilling the beans like that, it wasn't fair to you or your sister, should have remained private.

I'm sure, if you needed help, your parents would give it. Also, when they eventually die, you'll inherit your fair share.

Don't let this knowledge drive a wedge between you, parents and sister. Let it go, you can't change anything. Try not to think about it and be glad you are not in need. It's best to be independent.

I do feel a bit cross with your dad though; however what's done is done.

I am in this same situation.

I have always worked at jobs I haven’t always enjoyed, with no support from my parents. When talking with them, they would say that’s just what people have to do, working isn’t always pleasurable, you have to work hard . My sister (a decade younger than me), received assistance from my parents because she was in a low-paying job and they wanted to make things more even.

Now, years later, I am managing - not struggling, but not able to afford fancy holidays and still saving for a downpayment on a house - and my sister has married a wealthy man with a well-paying job. She owns an enormous home, only works part-time when she wants to, and goes on multiple expensive holidays a year.

There is no consideration by my parents to “make things more even” for me, although they could well-afford it. That’s not even something I would necessarily want continually, but it would be nice for it to be offered. I don’t think I’d turn down a little help if they decided to gift me the rest of the money I would need for a deposit because that would really help my family to get on the home-ownership ladder, but I’m certainly not demanding it.

I understand that it’s their money and they can spend it however, and on whomever, they want. It would just be nice to not be treated like a second class citizen in my own family. It’s not about the money, it’s about what the money represents - that someone in my family has thought about me.

Agree with this, and understand the upset. But I think people are being disingenuous when they say it isn't about the money, it clearly is.

Sorry to read this OP. My sister divorced her husband about ten years ago and has since lived with my parents, and her child, while looking for her own place. I have no idea how this worked financially but my parents always said that my sister paid her way. But I don’t think she did. I think she got the odd big shop in or paid a few a few bills or helped here and there but I do t think there was a regular financial arrangement in all that time. She has now got her own place with a mortgage and is probably better off than I am. It’s not just been for me the financial stuff as I’ve kids let my nose well out of it. It’s been the childcare. Her son was 3 when she moved in and she’s had childcare on tap for ten years and it still goes on. She has saved thousands in childcare. Meanwhile we have to use wrap around care costing most of my only salary and my sister goes away at least once a month to visit friends / go for a spa cos she’s having a “tough time.” My sister has always been treated differently since we were young so I guess I’m used to it and it’s just changed as we’ve got older. It used to really really hurt about 15-20 years ago. Never the finances stuff but the emotional stuff and the allowances they always made for her. Now I just have to let it wash over me as when I ever talked about it with them in the past, I’d get gaslit or told I was ungrateful as I’d gone to uni and she hasn’t.

Maybe he's fed up of being a human cash dispenser and wants out; seems to me your sister has a 'meh' attitude financially and iives exactly how she'd like and hes now perhaps realising/seeing the unfairness of how its achieved via his detriment and your own.
Also not wishing to rain on the parade how well off really are your parents?
And will they always have enough for themselves?
Or is it all assumed and not totally known?

Oh, OP, I’m so sorry they couldn’t see past the £££s to the real issue. Possibly just embarrassment that they’ve let it go on for so long and to such an extent but truly a shame they don’t ‘get’ the difference in the quality of life they’ve supported for your sister and her family.

I do agree with them about one thing though, you should be proud you and your husband have forged your own way and aren’t ‘needy’. I wonder how your sister is feeling about the whole thing; it’s possible she may understand but maybe not a good idea to dig away at it with her. As others have said, it seems to be the ‘needy’ offspring who get the help, maybe it’s a mutual need thing and your parents, despite being proud you are successful, enjoy the need from your sister? I dunno, I’m not a psychologist. I guess they didn’t offer help when your husband was made redundant was because you just got on with it and didn’t moan.

I suppose, unless you want to destroy the family dynamic completely, you have to ‘suck it up’ but allow yourself to lock it away at the back of your mind to visit if you ever need to remind yourself of the reality. Try not to make snidey comments, be that bigger person, and for heaven’s sake never mention Wills or Care giving, and, never let the children know.

I’ve never had counselling or therapy but you’re a big girl and I think you can work through this without becoming bitter, better informed though 😉.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Apologies, I clearly skimmed too quickly!

But yes, I think there could be implications. What if they need care in the future? My late dad’s care home fees were £5.5kpm!

Perhaps your parents are putting something aside for you & your family for later on which will then kind of equal things out? As a parent I can't imagine giving/helping one child & their family out but not the other.

they just went back to asking why does it need to be about money now.

It's about money now because you only found out about the money (and the secrecy) four days ago.

OP take your time. This is a lot of different strands to process. But if you feel that something has been irrevocably damaged, don't feel guilty. Don't feel it's your fault, or that it's up to you to put things right. This is something that you can never un-know and you had no part of it. Protect yourself and your family, whatever that looks like to you.

If OP and family were earning a similar amount to her sister’s family I wonder what the parents would have done. Would they have been giving money to both, so that they could afford nicer holidays etc, or would they have given money to neither on the basis that they were already “equal “?

Are they specifically motivated less by a desire to see you both have a particular quality of life, and instead more by a desire to “rebalance” a perceived “inequality”?

I wonder if “fairness” was a recurring theme during childhood - whether there is a history of one child complaining about fairness, or of the parents taking steps that didn’t involve money to try to make things “fair”?

It just seems there must be some clues from childhood that would help shed light on the current situation. I completely sympathise though -I would find it really difficult too.

I’m not nice like you Obviously are and neither am I very forgiving. I think your DF has gaslit you with the comment about why you are making it all about money when it has been them all along who have made it completely about the money and what money has allowed your sister to buy without actually having the funds to do so. There is now secrecy and collusion and you and your DH are being excluded - that is not healthy and it is also very unfair. Me? I’d calculate all the childcare payments and travel costs for both of ypu and ask them for it. Because your jobs have meant you’ve had all this extra expense which your sister hasn’t so if we’re talking about things being even, then they can even that out. Poor you - working your ass off and being penalised for your success.

Thanks everyone for all the posts of support and sympathy and tales of similar family dramas.

I'm not sure what or how or even if this will pan out. We've all still got another week off work so going to spend that time with DH and the kids. Going to DH's DB's for new year so looking forward to that and enjoying time with his side of the family who we also get on great with.

Fingers crossed for no New Year's day revelation from his side! 🙄

I'm not going to have any more updates on this so just wanted to say thanks to all before slipping off out the back door of this thread.

Happy new year to everyone when it comes

Rip x

Next family get together you say, "ive handed in my notice at my corporate job and im going to become a lifestyle blogger, ive decided i dont want that kind of corporate high pressure lifestyle anymore. Plus i'd be able to spend more time with the kids. Mum, dad, I wondered if you'd set up a standing order to my account to supplement our income? You wouldn't want me to miss out on the treats that my sister and her family enjoy, would you?"

OMG. Horrendous. So your sister gets to live an stress-free life whilst being subbed by your parents. Yet when you and your husband were unemployed, no mysterious funds given.

just so we are clear: your sister wasn’t subbed because she was mentally or physically disabled, or misfortune not due to her own making - oh no! Just because she can’t be arsed and doesn’t want to graft. Then goes cap in hand to your parents secretly with a begging bowl.

I’d be having words with your parents saying since they’ve subbed her say £100k over 10 years, then your sister’s inheritance is deducted £100k.

You need to speak to your parents privately to explain the unfairness. Then speak opening between your parents and sister as a whole once the payment plan is adjusted.

Wowsers. I'd be so upset and disappointed, particularly after the update from you speaking to them about it.

Are you close to your sister? I can't imagine me and my sisters keeping such a huge piece of information from each other for years.

The receipt of them all not mentioning it all this time along with the wilfully blind favouritism is awful.

If your sis and her husband wanted a higher income they could both work full time instead of part time like your household?!

They don't need to though do they. Their kids get them around more and less tired out, with no dent to their household income! 🙄🤦 Do your parents get something out of keeping your sister in this situation? Do they like that she depends on them?

It's a lot for you to take in and process I'm sure.

But they can’t equal out the work life balance that the sister has been enabled to have while the children were younger. While still having the holidays, car, house. That’s what really hurts. If the sister and husband had been working all hours and really struggling financially and this had enabled them to keep a roof their head, or pay the heating bill it would be easier to accept, but they’ve been subsidised to end up with what might well be a better lifestyle. And it’s all been kept secret.

That’s bloody horrible behaviour by your parents. Not sure I could get over the deceit.

Hopefully they are confident that your DSIS and partner will step up to the plate when they need lots of support given they have such a clear preference for your sister.

Obviously it is their money to spend how they feel fit but clearly this may be in breach of tax rules @RipsMyKnitting They need to keep records of gifts etc . What’s in their wills? equal split or does DSIS get the lot?