To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

So you are speaking about your own experience, not the OPs.

Neither of us can know what the OPs experience was other than she appears to previously have had good relations with all the family and not felt any particluar favouritism or otherwise to be present.

And then she discovered there was favouritism. See?

So difficult, and I can see how you must feel very hurt.

But in your situation, I might sit back and have a think about how this situation has come about. Perhaps it's been hard for your DPs to watch your sister struggle for things that you can afford. If, for example, you are going on a nice holiday, or have an expensive car, and your parents can see that your sister can't afford these things, then it might only seem natural to them to offer to treat her. I guess as a one off this is fine, but perhaps it then developed beyond their original intentions. You know them better than we do, do you think this was a deliberate snub to you, or just a desire by them to help your sister have some of things that you have. They may, in their own way, see this as being fair.

My BIL and his wife have had far, far more money given to them by my in-laws over the years, probably many thousands more. When they were first starting out, and had small children, my in-laws provided full-time childcare, they paid for their utilities for years, they often paid for shopping for them. They took them all on long-haul holidays on several occasions, and never once offered these things to us because we could afford our own. It never really occurred to me that this was unfair, because we financially ok, whereas my BIL's family were not, due to the decisions they made (having kids very young etc). It's just how it was.

With hindsight, it does seem unfair, but it doesn't bother me or my husband because at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I can see why it happened.

I guess the difference is that they were open about it, it wasn't a secret. It also wasn't a regular 'top up', it was paying for things as they needed them, although it all amounts to the same thing. It was a desire by my in-laws to help their child have a more comfortable life than they could afford for themselves.

Your parents have acted in a deplorable manner and are now attempting to downplay it. I’d be furious if I was you.

I can just about understand feeling one child needed more than the other (though I wouldn't feel that way myself). Maybe the sister has emotional issues and is less capable in terms of leading a highly functional life? However to simply subsidise her on the quiet, without checking if their other daughter has any needs is unforgivable.

But maybe op should assume, for now, that their intentions have been worthy and they just didn't realise how op would view it - given that to them, it's all perfectly logical. However hard we try, we can't always see how others will perceive things.

I'd sit with it for a while - let the emotions swirl around and wait till you have more clarity on how you'd like to proceed because I don't think you'll be able to just continue as you are, despite what you have said following the meeting today. Once you are clear, I'd probably send them a letter setting out your point of view. Hopefully you'll then get a more measured response as it will give them time to think it all through too. They probably feel attacked, regardless of how calmly you tried to approach it.

If no joy, then maybe you'll need to change how / if you interact with them in the future. That's very daunting, I know.

I’m the middle child of 5. My parents spend money on my youngest sibling and her children. For example my two kids got roughly £20 spent on them at Xmas and birthdays. Youngest siblings kids get new bikes, laptops and other expensive gifts. Parents wills are split between 7 - me and my 4 siblings plus the youngest siblings 2 children. Nothing being given to my children or my other siblings children (they are all my parents blood grandchildren). The favouritism shown to the youngest child and grandchildren resulted in a gradual breakdown of relationships between my other siblings, myself and our parents. None of us oldest 4 children speak to or see our parents now. The youngest sibling appears to have manipulated the situation to their advantage. Myself and my other 3 siblings tried to heal the rift but the youngest caused further damage and told our parents we were being deceitful. Clearly not wanting us to repair our relationship with our parents. So we didn’t. Parents sided with youngest sibling again. Oldest 4 siblings (including me) doubt we are still included in parents will now but we don’t actually care as the relationship we have with each other outweighs the narcissistic parents relationship. I suggest speaking to your parents about how you feel their relationship with your sibling, particularly the financial situation, makes you feel and see what they say. Take it from there. I have 2 children and 8 grandchildren (2 of whom are step grandchildren) but they all get the same spent on them. We treat them to holidays to Florida and other surprises as well as Xmas and birthday gifts but always make sure we spend on them equally. One of my children has a better job/house/prospects than the other child but we do not “top up” the finances of the other child to make it “fair”. Not only that, the other child would refuse our financial help as they would deem it unfair too.

I can’t believe that they can’t see your side of the story , tbh I’d be raging about this and I honestly don’t think I would be able to let it go if it was me . I’d write a long text about why it has upset me so much and explain it all out (i.e how you have to really work hard for your money and she doesn’t ) so that way there is no shutting it down and your feelings are out there , there then choose to do what they please with that information but that’s me and you maybe different

I'm so sorry. Id be extremely hurt. Maybe this could prompt you to review how you'd like your life to change if you didn't have to rely on both your high pressured jobs and consider it. Maybe dropping a day a week at work or moving to a more local job or even training for something different. Taking a big holiday etc. and see if your parents would support this.

This is great advice. Share nothing. Protect your feelings. Invest in therapy. 🪷

This is one of the most unpleasant things I have ever heard, your parents and sister should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

I would definitely go low contact if not NC and do nothing to help any of them either now or in the future. The least I would expect is an apology and acknowledgment of how unfair they have been, I know you are genuine in saying that it is not about the money for you, but I think their wills should be adjusted to take the huge sums your sister has received into account.

My DH and I have 5 adult children and whilst we would loan money in a crisis to one child we would never dream of bankrolling one on a regular basis and hiding it from the others.

You must feel very disappointed in their reaction. If you feel like you have more to say to them at a later time, say it, or write it in a letter. Don't let them sweep your feelings under the carpet.
They clearly see money as important, or why have they given so much away to equalise things. If it didn't matter, why did they keep it secret? If they want you to be proud, why not tell you sooner that you were special for coping without their support? They haven't got a leg to stand on. They must have known they were storing up trouble.

This is it.
It seems that the older daughter can crack on with developing independence, asserting boundaries and perhaps that is viewed by parents as having a gate firmly up and you don’t need help. Maybe in these situations, the younger daughter has had an element of co-dependence/interdependence with parents which began in youth and never changed.
I should know and the response I’ve had from my own family has been along the lines of “they’ve always needed us, you’ve got on with things”.
I’m sorry, OP. Your parents and sister have shown you their cards. Now it will be seen as you disturbing the status quo and making it about money, sadly.

I would want to have a private conversation with my parents about their plans for the future. Will the extra money the sister has had be recognised in their wills with the OP will get a larger share to compensate? We could all take more enjoyable jobs that don't pay as well if someone else if propping us up, usually the better paid jobs require harder work both in getting the necessary qualifications and in doing the job.

@RipsMyKnitting, I can’t imagine the shock and upset of this discovery and subsequent conversations, particularly at Christmas time .
I would recommend taking a step back from your family for awhile.
I think you should make it clear to them you need space and time to come to terms with the level of betrayal and lies .

And I’d add, that family holidays would be off the cards for a long time!

If it's logical, why conceal it, and why refuse to be open about how much it is? Why the secrecy and refusal to discuss it now?

I’d be extremely pissed off at this. You and hubby are most likely sacrificing time with your children and each other to earn good salaries. Why should they get an easy ride? I’d be talking this over with parents! I know it’s their money, but maybe chatting about it ( calmly ) will let them see it from your point of view, and maybe they can adjust inheritance to recognise that you haven’t been given the opportunity to live a less stressful life like your sis.

The redundancy thing maybe isn't as bad as it sounds.
They didn't offer help and we didn't ask. I genuinely think if we had asked they would have helped.

If I knew that one of my 'children' was facing a financial difficulty then I would let them know that help is available if it's needed.

I can only imagine how these questions will put their backs up, in defensive mode: 'why do you care so much about the money?' 'We have never known you to be so materialistic? Can't you just stay quiet and let us favouring your dsis without guilt?

Honestly there's no fairness in this sort of situation. Put them where they are in your life and move on accordingly. At least you have been shown the truth. Be kind to yourself and your own family.

What a terrible situation OP. I wonder though (and I am far from a financial expert) if your DPs have sought any financial advice on this and potential tax implications?

Sorry if I’ve missed this already in the thread - I’ve read all the OPs posts and skimmed the rest!

There’s 3 things that spring to mind for me:

1. if it’s a regular monthly amount then HMRC could deem this as income for DSis which is then potentially taxable for her
2. you can only gift £250 per year per person without any future tax / IHT implications - and clearly even between the whole of DSis family it sounds like they’re getting a lot more?
3. If deemed gifts then this is subject to the IHT rules which is basically the ‘7 year rule’. Even within the £325k pp allowance. So say they have given DSis £10k a year for the last 7 years - the one given 7 years ago is now outside the rules, but since is within. Obviously this is subject to DPs then being no longer with you (and I don’t know how old they are, or their health) but if they keep up these gifts as they get older, it could become an issue.

I'd be very hurt by this unequal treatment

Your sister has had the benefit of your salary, without the sacrifices you made

And clearly they all knew this was unfair, or they'd have been upfront about it

Unfortunately, I can't really think how to rectify this

i would feel annoyed by this too, it’s not fair unless they have the outlook that they need their ‘inheritance’ now and you will get the same eventually.

It sounds like you have been cast in the role of the ‘capable’ sibling who can cope with stress and responsibilities while your DS is the one who ‘needs’ help. In your parents’ eyes this will be fair but of course it’s not.

I had a similar situation in my family. I was seen as the independent one who could handle things so I wasn’t given as much support. In reality, I was coping because I had to as the youngest in the family with older siblings who always needed help.

if it makes you feel any better it’s a common dynamic in families and it can cause a lot of conflict. My FIL doesn’t talk to his only sibling because she got so much more help from his father than he did and it caused huge resentment. Your family dynamic is relying on your good will and ability to be the bigger person right now. Good for you if you can rise above it but many people wouldn’t be able to.

Op is it possible that their blase reply will actually be just for show and it will register deep down ? Maybe they will pay for your kids university fees in time or something equally big ? I hope so .

I think I'd be keeping finances locked down away from them now. I wouldn't be discussing anything with them. Holidays or nothing.

If they won't talk about it, then it's going to fester anyway. You've had the rug pulled and they don't care