To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

As though OP would take advice from you! You have clearly stated that you don't care about treating your own children fairly so you are the last person that OP should listen to. Your choice of language to describe OP, such as 'mean-spirited', 'brattish' and 'controlling' when she isn't anything of the sort makes it clear what a horrible person you are.

I said they were arseholes in a previous post and subsequently thought I may be being harsh.

But after hearing their response I’m back to the firm opinion that they’re arseholes. So is your sister.

I would be so hurt and would need now to have some space to think things through.

You mention your father quite a lot - do you think your mother also agrees or maybe she realises it is not fair?

Sorry OP, this must feel so difficult to hear. Like you, I am the "capable" one - I was always praised for independence and capability, and being a people pleaser took this on and tried harder to be so. I've even been considered favoured, but I've realised as I've got older a lot of that is because (due to my conditioning!) I "require" a lot less and thus make their lives easier.

It's probably too late for me to change now, but I am definitely at an age where I look at family connections of a similar age/background as I am - a lot of them, having accepted (and been offered) substantial help, have been given businesses, properties - to live in or investment, lifestyle help, and in a lot of ways their lives so seem much easier than mine. I don't hate my job, but as in your sister's example - who'd be a corporate banker when you can live the same lifestyle being a lovely part time yoga instructor close to home!

There is satisfaction in being self sufficient, it is true - but I wonder how much of that is also conditioning. When I look back I could have done with more support at times, not just financial but I made decisions that were short sighted in hindsight, or just plain silly, that I did in my rush to be "independent". It's not a quality I will overly encourage in my children, for example. While I want them to be able to succeed and eventually be self sufficient, I am planning to help them substantially along the way.

Which is a very long winded way of saying i understand your feelings - it feels like a real slap in the face to be not considered worthy of help and support, or an inclination to help make your life easier, and particularly so to have it dressed up as a compliment!

Well OP, as a PT yoga instructor your DSis will have more time available to run around after the when the time comes won't she?
It would completely change the way I felt as it's unfair.

So true - my M says I am "secretive and hard". I think I am "private and firm"

But she needs my sister to need her, makes M feel wanted and validated, so they both are happy in their weird arrangement.

I expect it is the same with OP's parents and many other parents that act this way. They get a kick out of being needed / wanted and fussed over until the money is safely banked, then they are put back on the shelf again.

Op did not create this situation by getting a decent job.

This is not her fault.

Wow.

I think you’ve behaved with incredible grace here.

This is horribly unfair. A decade of topping up her salary so she can match your lifestyle without working for it.

And the secrecy - the lying by omission - is now compounded by the shruggy attitude when you try to have a calm conversation about it. That would make me angry now.

It’s not as if they are drip feeding her some inheritance early and you would get the same. She is clearly the golden child. I’d want a break from the lot of them for a while.

It would bother me, I don't know if it's petty or not but I'm not sure it matters - it's an understandable, innate reaction. I think it's natural to have questions about how long ago the arrangement arose and how much they subsidise her. Did they have a discussion and agree to not tell you? That would be deceitful.

It's also deceitful for her to do the whole 'do what makes you happy' thing if she cannot fund the lifestyle that she wants. If you want to teach yoga, fine - either adjust your lifestyle expectations accordingly or subsidise your income with a corporate job, like every other sucker has to. People in the wellness industry are not exempt from needing to work, even if they feel otherwise.

Whefe havevyou got tgst o don't treat my chikdrem fairly? What i said was watever i might choose to do with my own money is my business not theirs.
As it gies, i would support t my chikdren acvording to their needs. Fair and equal are not tge same tbing. Much easier to launch a personal attack than put together a cogent argument tnough, eh?

I never said she did, I was merely pointing out that saying that she didn't have the opportunity to make the choices her sister did is inaccurate, we can't say what the outcome of different choices would have been.

Ohh that’s a sad update… take some time away from them and DSis for a bit and give a big cuddle to your DH and kids….

I think counseling will help as the next few months will be tough - you won’t want to talk about holidays or things around the house being renovated or fixed as you will be aware anything you have DSis will have it coming her way. or she won’t have to fear something breaking in the house.

Maybe in a few weeks write your DP a letter - therefore you can calmly discuss why to you it is more than “just money” it’s a lifestyle and freedom she has been granted that you never saw.

Take care @RipsMyKnitting , I can’t imagine the pain of knowing my so called family isn’t what I thought it was.

Their blasé attitude to your concerns about their one-sided massive subsidy of your sister and her family shows that they have no reasonable explanation about why they treat one of their children so generously to the detriment of their other child.

They didn't care that you were obviously upset and bewildered and just tried to brush you off.

I'd find it very difficult to feel the same about my parents after this. It would make me withdraw to protect my feelings and I'd leave any care and support to your sister who has benefitted so greatly from your parents' one-sided generosity.

I think it’s very natural to feel blindsided with this situation, compounded by their refusal to discuss it. I think it’s clear they’ve been caught out and feel ashamed about it so they are trying to bury their heads in the sand and that you will keep quiet.

I really feel for you. It’s not just about the money, it’s about feeling unseen compared to your sister, because you developed a work ethic and resilience. It’s about the lost time with your own children because you were providing for them, it’s about the years of stress related to promotion, sick days, where the next mortgage payment is coming from, financial sacrifices to afford other things - all situations your sister has never had to navigate. For me, it’s that sheer obliviousness to your personal struggles and your emotions that would hurt me the most. Not just from your parents but from your sister too. How on earth she could sit back and receive like that, knowing all the while you are not, just beggars belief.

I also encourage you to get therapy. It’s hard enough knowingly being the scape goat your whole life nevermind suddenly discovering it as an adult, and as a result the entire makeup of your family has been flipped on its head.

I have always felt my mother favoured my sister. We had financial troubles few years ago and my mother never phoned or called to offer emotional support. This last few years my sister going through a divorce and mum offers her financial and emotional support. It really hit me this summer after major surgery my mums help was a 15 min visit with not so much as a get well soon card. Goes to my sisters every Xmas day. Yet if she wants help with an appointment she phones me.

Their explanation doesn't explain why they didn't offer to help out when your husband was made redundant. I think there are a few steps you can take to make yourself a little less exposed. First, put them on an information diet. If you get a raise or promotion, don't tell them. Keep it under your hat. When you go on vacation, don't tell them how much it cost. If they ask, "Sorry, I'm not comfortable sharing that information." Give as little information as you can manage without the kids feeling confused.

Second, don't pretend it's not obvious to you that she's their favorite. You know she is, and you are hurt by it. It's not your obligation to protect them from the consequences of their choices. If it bothers you, and you feel a need to reduce contact because of it, don't explain it away. It's not about the money. It's about the favoritism. Once you realized your sister was the favorite, family events don't have the same joy for you any longer. It is what it is.

Third, make a promise to yourself that when they start asking for expensive or burdensome help, you will say no. You are the independent one who makes her own way in the world, while your sister is the one who gets propped up and is able to work a chill job and have lots of free time with her kids. She should be able to help with anything your parents need. You are busy supporting your family.

I had this with my brother about ten years ago. I did let it fester, used to keep me awake at night! My dad’s reaction was similar to yours. You don’t need it blah blah. I just said to them, they don’t know if we need it or not, because as adults we manage our finances and stand on our own two feet and wouldn’t dream of asking mummy and daddy to finance a luxury holiday, which is not an entitlement. They tried to rationalise, I argued it wasn’t rational it was blatant favouritism allowing my brother the easy life on their pound . It definitely did change family dynamics because I felt there had been secrecy where I’d always thought there was openness. When they died their wills did not account for the thousands my brother had received previously

Experienced this also.
your sister and BIL are doing what they want in life and being subsidised when everyone else works in jobs they don’t like with no handout.
This is very unfair. Has she always been spoilt and favoured??
I’d speak to them but it may not go well.
why tell you? Surely they knew it would cause resentment and embarrassment for your sister. You need to ask if anything else has been kept from you?

I can only speak from my own experience, but I had to find a way to support myself because it was made very very clear to me that I was not to ask for money because I wouldn't get any.

Came as something of a shock when I found out that my siblings got a very different message and have both been given a significant amount of money.

So the suggestion that OP would have got the same if only she'd opted to be a sponger isn't necessarily true - where did the belief that it was her responsibility to pay her own way come from, if not her parents? These ideas are seeded early in childhood. You know if you can ask or not.

Parents should treat their dc equally. We treat our DC equally and everything will be shared equally between them when we die. (If there’s anything left.)
My DH was treated like OP by his parents. They were forever giving money to his sibling, paid for their wedding and even leaving their house/money totally to them/their family. DH and our DC got/get nothing and when quizzed, their excuse was ‘you’re doing alright.’ Yes, through bl**dy hard work! DH has never complained but this favouritism has resulted in us eventually going no contact. Life’s actually better without them in it!

Maybe children that do this only do so for the financial gain and are laughing and sneering at their foolish parents behind their backs.

I am so sorry

Don’t take her anymore. She doesn’t deserve you or your help

It's very indulgent and short sighted of your parents. Your sister should feel embarrassed about it. I would mention to your parents. Tell them you were surprised and tell them things can be hard for you. It's more about you stating reality.

I'm sorry. This is wrong. Being funded for a holiday! Their finances are their choice. So they basically are being funded to live a very relaxed life. I undetected why you're hurt and you are behaving very well. I had a slightly similar situation, voiced thoughts to my parents and left it at that - they showed no sign of agreeing . Quite a few years later I discovered they had updated their wills. So I hope your parents will also reflect.