To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

They are trying to narrate this purely from the position of financial gain and make out you are after the money. There is no more talking or changing their mind as they are adament that they had done no wrong.

Take this clarity as a blessing and put them where they are in your life. I know it is hurtful and even more so chasing after an apology that will not come.

Christ, what cunts. If I were you I know what I’d do (and this isn’t hyperbole, I am NC with some family members). I’d tell them they’re right, you don’t need them. And I would simply never speak to or see them ever again.

and they just went back to asking why does it need to be about money now

I've just re-read up your update and noticed this. This is very telling. It sounds as though they feel that the happy family life they feel they enjoy is predicated on your sister receiving this financial help; that if that help stops, there will be a negative impact on the family dynamic; and that questioning you repeatedly on this will be you ruining everything.

They know they've indulged in a decade of treating you dishonestly/without transparency or honesty, and they know they can't undo that. So they're stuck. All they can do is hope and pray you drop any negative feelings and carry on as before. It's a straight up choice for them: put their treatment of you out of your head and pretend it never happened, or ruin everything.

I'm afraid you've got a long road ahead of you.

Seems like dsis can be the one to look after them when they get infirm then. After all, you will need to work to earn your own money - she gets bankrolled anyway.

Well now, I actually disagree with you on that one.

When all things are equal, then yes, give equally to both of the adult children.

But when things are not equal? What then?

What if one of your DCs is made redundant, or develops a debilitating long-term illness and has to quit work, and is at risk of their house being repossessed?

What if one of them goes through a divorce and ends up with nowhere to live?

What if one of them gives birth to a disabled child who needs expensive equipment or treatment, and one of the parents has to give up working in order to care for the child?

There are so many reasons why one adult child may need more financial support than the other.

Should parents not be mindful of need, rather than fixated on "equality"? Helping one child pay for a modest holiday (definitely not the Seychelles!) which they otherwise couldn't afford doesn't necessarily mean that the sibling should receive an equivalent amount by default.

I don't think it's fair and you are not being unreasonable. My parents always gave all of us the same amount when one had a need - e.g for a house deposit. The one single sibling who is happy with a fairly frugal life and a small property, now has a large amount saved up. The rest of us have mostly used it to fund houses for our families. Each of us has different circumstances, there's no attempt to level us up in that sense as we are free to choose how we spend the money or not.

In your case OP, you weren't even aware, which is horrible imo. If they wanted to offer help as needed, they could have asked you at any time whether you had any needs. At least all would have been transparent.

I am sorry they didn’t understand your feelings or acknowledge the unfair treatment. I guess it’s figuring out where you go from here, can you accept the situation or will it build resentment? Therapy could definitely be one option to get your feelings out in the open. Another option is to message/write a letter to your parents putting forward your feelings without having to actually be in the same room as them.

personally, I would struggle to get past this and forgive this behaviour however well intended it may have been in the beginning. I would ask myself would I as a mum treat my two children like this or could you have taken financial support and kept it quite from your Dsis for 10 years? If the answer is no, then I think you will have to tackle this head on. Sorry that you have been kept in the dark for so long and been made to feel as though it’s a compliment to your success.

By those questions, where were OP's family where OP's husband lost his job and they were scrambling to cover things ... while continuing to bankroll sister's family?

I wouldn't be surprised if they default to the OP when the time comes; they'll see it as her being the one 'with money', the sister would have likely have spent all they gave her by then

Those things you listed are all valid reasons to temporarily give more help to one adult child. Them choosing to be a part time yoga teacher because they can’t be arsed to do anything else is not.

I thought this article was 50% very perceptive - all the stuff about parents conceptualising one child as the independent one, the coper, and the other as the “vulnerable” one. It sounds from OP’s update as though this is what her parents have done (or the narrative they tell themselves as a way of explaining why they favour the golden child).

The other 50% was drivel. “Being complicit” in your parents’ behaviour because you had too much self respect to go scrounging off them in circumstances where they hadn’t hinted they’d be willing to give you money? What absolute bollocks. Or, a cheeky fuckers’ charter that rewards bold as brass grifters who think the world owes them a living.

Of course they know why it's hurtful, it's the reason they kept it secret. You stayed calm, they will be happy you are back in your box. You handled it well, when I had 'the talk' it ended up in an extinction event argument.
Families have set roles, like me you are the capable one.
You have a choice as to how you move forward, accept it gracefully and carry on as usual or take a bit of a step back.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your parents have shown you who is important to them, no discussion, no apology.
Something to remember when in later life if they need help, you can signpost them to sis.

You are absolutely right to be pissed off, my parents gave my sister a big wedding, a deposit for a house, my dad rushed round to do any DIY job she needed,never once did she say thank you,I got nothing, barely got a conversation out of my father,so yes I feel your pain. Do you think it will be knocked off her inheritance?

Maybe the parentsblike the sister better. Maybe she snd her family are nicer than the op's. Maybe they spend more time with them,her parents do more for them.

I’d imagine DSis will get a bigger proportion of the inheritance to ensure their lifestyle after they’re gone

Absolutely unfair. You are being penalised because you’ve worked hard academically and have been successful, yet your sister who hasn’t gets to live the lifestyle for free? I have two children and would never treat them like this. If I gave to one who had not had as much I would still give to the other because both children deserve to be gifted the same! I have this dynamic in my family also. I’m the eldest, middle sibling and I very successful, youngest didn’t work hard at school and hence earns a lot less money, with more children. They have supplemented the youngest with ‘extras’ for twenty years! I have had to let it go because it’s not my choice although I wouldn’t do it myself!

That’s so hurtful.

You’ve worked your arse off and spent less time with your DC whilst they banked rolled your DSIS.

but the whole point is that the sister doesn't seem to 'need' the help, it's to make up the difference between the average lifestyle she and her partner would afford on just their salaries (so not on the breadline) and the more middle class, with regular luxuries OP can only afford because she and her partner work more hours in strenuous roles.

For example, 1 of my sibling has 3 DC, 1 doesn't have any, I have 1. My parents have helped out the one with 3 with childcare, doing a day a week for all of them from the time DSil went back to work until they started school, so over the course of nearly 10 years you're talking probably more than £30k saved in childcare fees, possibly even more. I live further away so they weren't able to do that for my DC. Neither me nor the sibling without kids expect them to 'make it up' to us to the extent of giving us £30k cash, or anything similar.

It would be a different scenario if the DSIS's partner died or abandoned her so she was struggling to give her kids anything beyond the basics. Or if the DSIS was disabled in some way so couldn't work full time. Even if they both worked full time but the DSIS was in a job like caring, which is hugely beneficial to the community but badly paid, I could see the argument for helping her out now and again. But basically there is no reason the DSIS couldn't live a very similar lifestyle to OP, she just can't be arsed to work full time or do a stressful job. Which is a decision she is fully entitled to make. The unfair part is she is rewarded for doing less, and OP was never given the opportunity to make that same choice.

OP - Just tell DP at some stage - ''' Money is everything'' and repeat it to them often - though that is not the way they are thinking and seems a very mercenary statement - if they argue the point - ask them ''What is everything if not money?'' - really without it what can one do? This simple statement may change their strange and unfair mind set.

My grandmother left everything she had to my arsehole cousin. Who was in prison at the time. Because she thought he would need it to start over when he came out.
Over 1 million. Not a penny for anyone else.
YANBU OP.
The secrecy of it would upset me more than anything else.

why is the stronger always get less in the literal sense?

Im sorry OP. That's so hurtful. In your shoes I'd need to take a few steps back at this stage and create some distance so I could decide how to navigate this long term. Ultimately you can't force them to treat you fairly, and you can't make them care that this has upset you. All you can do is decide how open and comfortable you can be in this dynamic and adjust accordingly.

OP appears to have had the same opportunities that her sister did. Nobody held a gun to her head and made her become an architect and work full time. Had she made different choices the parents may also have made different arrangements, but there is no use in second guessing it as no one can turn back time.

I really feel for you. The squeaky gate always gets the oil. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. Hug your DP and children tight. You’ve got this X

Yes, i would feel shocked by this, its unfair and grabby of your sister and her husband to take handouts/sponge long term here. i'd also be wondering if this was their idea in the first place, and it's just gone on from there. Where is their pride?. Do your parents have money to spare like this? Thinking ahead to the future, if you were to, say inherit, your parent's house, would it be willed for you to both share equally, and if so, is this fair? Might you voice this somehow, that her share is being totted up now and will be subtracted from her inheritence, even if only as a joke to get the point across? There's also the legal jargon of gifting monies to people in this way for, i believe, 7 years of situations such as going into residential care or probate, as it could be seen as reducing/hiding their capital. Eiither way, it does not sound as if they are destitute at all, just take-taking when your parents could end up needing their money themselves for house repairs or jusy enjoying themselves, when THEY have worked for it.