To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I mean there was already a situation where the ops husband was made redundant so I’m assuming the sisters household was ‘earning’ more money than op during those months he wasn’t working. Her parents offered no help

FWIW my sibling has been given much more financial support over the years than me but I consider myself fortunate to be in a position where I’m okay and can actually support my wider family too. But it’s never been a secret and not for ‘luxuries’ like expensive holidays etc. I’d be shocked and hurt too if it was revealed out of nowhere, and the fact that they’re subsidising certain lifestyle niceties rather than things that really matter.

This is really unfair of them. I’m sorry this must have ruined your Christmas your sister’s choice led to her financial situation and this is really horrible of your parents to do this without thinking of how awfully unfair it actually is.
I would never discuss holidays, finances, cars or house prices with them again in fact tell them your giving up your job to live a carefree life block them from social media tell them that sis massively out earns you now so they can stop giving her your share of the inheritance now!

How did the meeting go? Hope your not further upset. 💐

I met them after lunch, DSis wasn't there, I mentioned I talked to her about it a bit yesterday, they didn't say whether they knew I'd spoken to her or of they'd discussed it further between themselves.

I stayed calm and just asked for some clarity on the secrecy and explained the feeling of unfairness I was struggling with. I wasn't there to demand anything, but the reaction was probably worse than a row. No recognition of the issue just quite blase and dismissive. Dad just shut it down, saying we’ve all had the benefit of being comfortable so why make money a topic now? I tried to explain it wasn't the money but it didn't really seem to register with them.

The fairly quick explanation was that we don't "need" DP the way DSis does. I didn't comment about DSis on her need or not.

Turns out as I thought they’ve been funnelling money to DSis for over 10 years, I asked about the approximate value or if theyd kept track of it and was told they'd not be discussing the details with me.

They actually think leaving me out of the loop was a compliment to my success. Dad even said he thought I should be 'proud' that I don't need to be supported.

But when I asked why they kept it hidden and why DSis looked embarrassed when it came out on Christmas day they just said there was no preference between us and they just went back to asking why does it need to be about money now.

I think they truly believe they’re being noble, and that I’m just being unnecessarily petty because I’m already doing well.

I deliberately didn't make a scene, I've no intentions of making a stance or crying foul, we talked about other things and then I left to go pick the kids up from an activity.

Not sure I'm going to do any more about it. It seems they're oblivious to the actual issue.

I would find the fact they have refused to even acknowledge why it might be hurtful unforgivable tbh. I’m sorry OP, I’m not sure how you move on from this.

well done for staying calm and level. I am really sorry they have missed the point. Thats tough and I’m not sure how I would recover maintaining the same relationship that.

This sounds like a difficult situation. There is an advice column in The Times today by Vicky Reynal which deals with the same situation you find yourself in. The queation she was answering was from a brother who discovered that his brother had been receiving financial support from their parents for years, while he has received none. You may find it helpful.

I’m sorry OP. Perhaps if you mentioned - at some stage - that had you known there was an option for you to have a less stressful / busy / insert word career in place of spending more time with family and doing things you like, that would be have been something that you would have liked to know some time ago, as you presume that if the tables were turned you would be getting support as your DS is currently, and that is the reason why it the lack of fairness - and transparency - stings. They are being defensive / don’t want to talk about it as they must know it is unfair and don’t wish to open a can of worms / could not afford to treat you both the same financially and are concerned of the after effects if you pushed on the monetary side. Is there an angle where perhaps you could ask for their assistance more with your kids (if needed), either o save on childcare or allow you more of a break to spend your stretched time in different ways, but money doesn’t change hands between you? Just trying to think of ways you may be able to get their support that may make you feel less hard done by (or that may be me projecting!).

Agree, it's a very sensible advice column that the OP could really benefit from, rather than the wild comments that have been thrown around on this thread.

I'm so sorry, OP.

They know, though. They know perfectly well how it looks, and they've no decent explanation which is why they shut it down asap.

They might have intended to be noble originally but this has mutated into grotesque unfairness to you and your DC. They can't talk it away so they're electing not to try.

I'm sorry they have reacted the way they have. It was predictable that they'd make it about the money - easier to change the issue from their dishonesty to your pettiness or being moneygrabbing.

In your shoes (I'm also not the dramatic of unnecessarily confrontational type), I would take on board what both your parents and sister have said, and more importantly not said, draw my conclusions and amend my interactions accordingly. I would consider my husband and children in all this, too: this impacts more people than just you and your sister. It's a sad conclusion to reach, that your family isn't what you thought it was and were duped into thinking it was.

I don't think there's anything else you can do. You've been told what they think, where they stand, how they feel - that's about it, really. Fait accompli.

Well now you know that if they need help in old age your sister will step up.

We have two children our son and daughter in law earn nearly £100k between them.
Daughter and her husband earn considerably less.
Yet anytime we give money to them they get the same.
The grandchildren are between 16 to 21. When they were younger I babysat all together unless it was an emergency.
Family is treating your children the same.

I'd be mightily fucked off tbh

People absolutely burn themselves in the corporate world, often, in the hope of not being in financial difficulty. This goes way above hard work in a "normal" job because people slave away at evenings and weekends and sacrifice family time etc.

To find that a sibling has a cushy job with no stress and easy hours and then just gets bankrolled must be extremely galling.

Oh my goodness OP. I'm so sorry that they've stone-walled you. (Which to me smacks of them knowing they're in the wrong). I've no advice but I would seriously struggle to have the same kind of relationship with both my parents and my sister. Hopefully you find a way to accept it.

As pp said corporate jobs/high stress jobs can have a huge impact on your health.

Would you consider sending them this thread?

I'm so sorry OP, I would have been gutted. They're either so oblivious or don't want to see things from your point of view, it doesn't take the sting away. Deep down, I think they know they're in the wrong, hence trying to shut it down. Maybe they had only intended for it to be a couple of years and it ran away with itself, who knows.

Focus on you and your family for the coming year, I'm not sure how I would move forward if this was my own family other than getting support from those who truly love me and wouldn't have done something so underhand.

I'm the sort of petty person who wouldn't offer any future favours, other than suggesting they go and do some yoga... In all seriousness though, I hope you are ok.

Your DSis “needs them more than you”. Hopefully they’ll need her more than you when they become old(er) and more needy. They sound like the kind of parents who can’t tolerate watching their adult kids making questionable choices and have tried to “rescue” the situation. It sounds like they haven’t given much thought to you and how this decision may affect you. You’re the one they don’t have to worry about. This is actually about their own issues, and they should not have been dismissive. If in your shoes, I’d distance myself for a while - even though they didn’t give you the response you needed, this episode will have given them much food for thought. Thanks for the update, and take care.

@RipsMyKnitting sweetheart, they know how it looks. They know how much they've given, they know they've favourited her. They won't talk about it because it makes them look bad. The easiest solution for them is that you stop talking about it and they carry on as they are, and your sister carries on taking the money.

Is it possible for you to access some therapy/support? I'm speaking from experience to some degree here. The new few weeks, months even may well be quite difficult because you're going to find yourself facing the fact that your life isn't what you thought it was, and neither is your family. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's awful, and it's awful parenting.

Do you think they might go away and rethink their reaction/response? If it helps, I had something a bit similar in my family (but based on possessions rather than money) and after the initial ruction/unhappiness when this emerged, the imbalance stopped and then - between the children later on - things were evened out. I hope your parents are able to see what has happened with fresh eyes. Since they are young and healthy, you should have time on your side and it will lead to improved family communication skills. Well done OP, I think you have handled a horrible situation really well…

They have dismissed you as they have been rumbled.

I would stop sharing any details of money/purchases/expenditure/holidays with everyone concerned and steer clear of your sister.

I was just going to post a similar suggestion about counselling/support.

l would find the deception incredibly hard to swallow - not only from your parents but by your sister - whose lifestyle is only made possible by enormous handouts - l can appreciate you may not have wanted to open Pandora’s box but it’s done now and will surely change how you behave towards them - trust and respect have been trampled on.

There was an article in the Sunday Times about a similar issue. Interesting points in the answer and may help you frame another conversation with your parents if you want one. Link is via a paywall unblocker https://www.smry.ai/proxy?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thetimes.com%2Fmoney%2Fask-times-money%2Farticle%2Ffamily-siblings-christmas-financial-advice-htvb5bnt5