To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I would be extremely angry and very vocal about it. Your parents are allowing your sister to have a lifestyle you can’t because you aren’t getting the same help as her. Why is that?

The most incendiary language has come from you. I wonder why...

Yes, that is clear.

As I said before, it is for some, but for many many posters it is clearly about the money. I am sorry for whatever you have experienced that has made you so bitter and angry and I hope you are one day able to look at the world through kinder eyes.

I think what’s really troubling is that the sister’s standard of living has been brought up in line with OP’s. It’s not a random holiday or mortgage here or there, it’s a specific and systematic set of payments to match OP’s life that she’s paid for herself. It feels like an unreasonable envy and sense of “unfairness” has been created in the mind of the sister - unreasonable because she has done nothing herself to achieve the same standard of living; and rather than encourage the sister to either work for it or adjust her expectations, or accept the low paid, low stress lifestyle she herself chose, the parents have agreed that OP’s lifestyle is somehow unfair on their other daughter and subbed her. They’ve done this covertly and without any acknowledgment that the OP’s lifestyle is the end product that comes at the end of difficult choices, stress and compromises. So they have indeed catapulted the sister, who has none of these hard choices between career and family, into a far, far more advantageous position than OP has ever had and could ever have in the future. OP can never get time with her children back or reverse the stresses she’s gone through all these years.

😂 You might be a top gas lighter in your own circles my friend, but here we can see who you are. I pity your poor children, and sincerely hope you at least have the decency to leave them enough inheritance to cover the inevitable damage you are causing them.

It will catch up with you.

Once again you are completely fabricating things, I have posted nothing regarding my family circumstances so I have absolutely no idea what you are on about. Maybe you are confusing me with someone else.

Im sorry OP, I can understand why you are hurt. Two things stick out to me.

1. You say your sister has been open about having a different outlook on life. Not wanting a high pressure job, commute etc. To say that to you without acknowledging that she can choose that lifestyle because she is being subsidsidised at a level that allows her to still experience the benefit of those DO make those sacrifices is deliberately misleading. If she has said that to you with your parent's there then they have all misled you.

1. If your parents view is that they have done this to make things fair between you both, then what effort have they made to allow you the benefits of your sisters lifestyle? What has been done to try to give you that equality of time with the little ones, lessen the stress of deadlines and project deliverables whilst juggling childcare and keeping on top of the house etc? Taken what off your plate to allow you to invest in your health and fitness?

It's rubbish OP. That being said, its not the money but the inequality in support over the years, and lack of transport. You need to have a think about what you want from your chat today. If it were me that would be a wish that my feelings were acknowledged and understood, and accountability for the way this now changed the dynamic between us all going forward.

RipsMyKnitting I think this is a tricky one TBH.On one hand, I see your point that you and DH have worked hard, in stressful jobs to get on and enjoy a good lifestyle.On the other, have you thought your Sis is not really up to a stressful job. and DP have had to help her a bit .Theres a difference between earning and saving well .and being given handouts though.

Nope. You have been defending the actions of OP’s family from the very beginning. So you are either a dishonest recipient or a dishonest parent. Or you simply think nothing of lying to your children for years on end 🤷‍♀️

Again, pure fabrication on your part. I have a very different viewpoint from you re the OPs family, thats is all you know. The rest is you making things up plain and simple.

As other posters have said tell them you are getting a more relaxed job and can they by supplement you and ask why they didn’t help when DH was made redundant.

I would be absolutely incensed by this situation. How can normal adults pretend they don’t understand that when you have a salaried job you exchange time for money - time you will never ever get back in your whole life.

Working hard and for long hours with lots of stress has a huge cost, even higher once you have children and are directly sacrificing time with your children for money to pay for things.

Even that is not going to get her time back with her children when they were babies, when they were 2 and 3 and 4 years old. When they were below school age.

The damage is off the charts and I’m sorry I would never forgive my parents for this.

topping her up to match your lifestyle & salary is ridiculous & even more so when she chooses to work a more relaxed job.

@acorncrush I agree, I would be devastated but it would be interesting to see how the OPs parents react to her saying that.

My mum did this for my low earning brother and wife and kids. She paid money towards their rent for years. Probably to the tune of about £25 000. My requests for the odd bit of help were not well received.

My sister thought mum had been giving us both huge handouts. Families are tricky.

I couldn’t care less about your family situation, your morals and ethics are questionable though.

It's rather weird that you kept making assertions about my family situation then isn't it, given that you supposedly couldn't care less about it. I think you doth protest too much! Sweet that you care though, if a little stalkerish 😂

You know @RipsMyKnitting I'm estranged from one side of my family, and never been treated the same. And I'm over it. So here's my advice which is prob counter to most of the replies you've gotten. Yes, it's unfair. Yes, it does reveal an unpleasant reality. But, let them. It only matters if you care about it and you can decide to just let them. I say this because people don't change but they will defend themselves and try to manage narratives. It is what it is, you can talk about it with them if you like. But, for me it's just a case of let them. If they don't get what's wrong and unfair about to I'm not sure it's worth you trying to convince them. At this point my Dad has revealed he subsides two of my siblings. I just don't say anything. It was really interesting your DS mentioned a trigger was you mentioning what you earned because I am on a good six figures but it's not easy because we struggle with school fees for our kids. I've never been offered help or any of the support the others have had. As the eldest, I just figure let them. Our parents are just people doing their best. What's the best outcome for you? I think it's moving on and not caring about it as bullshit as it is.

My PILs gave us the equivalent amount of money they have given BIL and SIL over a period of time. In a chunk. We used it to buy property.
My FIL is quite controlling so I wouldn’t want money off them anyway but YANBU to be upset by this at all. It’s unequal and hurtful

They should adjust their wills to make it fair!
My parents sibling had handouts worth £200-300k over 20 years and didn’t receive anything in the will as she had received her inheritance already!

very similar scenario to the OPs - married someone who run a business in the ground and expected parents to fund car, holidays and new home for 3 kids (of course new home had to be bigger than the siblings home).

Agreed. I’d like to know if they’d agree to it, dismiss it as not a real suggestion, or refuse and try to give some justification of why she didn’t need it even though DSis did.

Maybe she’d get lucky and they’d acknowledge the unfairness and apologise.

I really hope the meeting goes well today @RipsMyKnitting and you get the answers you deserve,

It is wrong on so many levels,

Sorry if this scenario has already been posed: what would happen if OP or her DH had to stop working through redundancy or illness (god forbid)?

Would the parents reduce the sister’s “top up” to align with OP’s new household income? Would they start providing OP with a “top up”? What baseline would this match? Or would they not do anything and keep things as they are, if OP was still ignorant of the facts?

I know where my bet is placed…