To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Are you the OP’s sister??

You’re very late to the party on this thread I’m afraid. All these points have been covered.

Yes, of course OP is annoyed - she wasn’t even aware opting out of the rat-race was an option. This arrangement between her DP and DSis / BIL has been top-secret for 15 years!

OP works for a living.
DSis fanny’s about! Her only financial responsibility entails picking up the phone to let DPs know how much to transfer into her account each month!

It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour from DPs. It’s the unfairness in families that cause irreparable rifts. DPs should have been open about their arrangement and show OP she’s equally cared for, for instance, treating her family to well-earned holidays curtesy of them and re-assuring her that she’ll be equally looked-after when the time came for assets to be distributed. Even though OP may not need the financial help - or less so than DSis - from her DP, it would have meant the absolute world to her. As it’s more than just money. It’s mutual love and respect for one-another.

There are a few questions I would like answered. These are genuine questions that puzzle me and I am really interested in the answers.

If the clock had been turned back and the money had never been given, would the op change anything about their life?

Has the Op suffered any financial penalty because of the parental choice?

If the parents had been open about the financial arrangement at the beginning, would the Op feel entitled to ask the parent for an equal contribution.?

I think it’s fair to say op is going to suffer a financial penalty they have potentially wasted £300k for the last 20 years bankrolling her sister without telling her. Maybe they will try to make amends now, but the damage is done.

Has the Op suffered any financial penalty because of the parental choice?

I think this all hinges on whether a similar "offer" from the parents would ever have been an option for OP.

That is the thing that seems very unclear.

I would also book a very good therapist op, as I doubt this will be the only issue when you look at your family dynamic more closely. It has just come to the surface now.

It seems highly unlikely your sister was suddenly upgraded. You need to start from the beginning with a therapist, and explore how you were deceived, why, and the fall out. It’s worthwhile also talking through your options in confidence and neutrality. You could not have seen this coming, and it’s likely going to denote your perception of your family indefinitely. Support might be needed in the short to medium term.

If the clock had been turned back and the money had never been given, would the op change anything about their life?

I shouldn't think so, because the OP has pride and a work ethic.

Has the Op suffered any financial penalty because of the parental choice?

Well they didn't offer to help OP and her husband when he was made redundant.

If the parents had been open about the financial arrangement at the beginning, would the Op feel entitled to ask the parent for an equal contribution.?

This is not all about money, by any means. It is about trust, and fairness, and betrayal.

I also think the biggest penalty hasn’t been money but time , comfort and peace. Time with your children if OP had knowed maybe she could have cut down a days work to be with her young kids or take more days off in the school holidays without fear of how to pay the next bill. Peace of knowing you don’t need to stress if a big bill is coming in , help paying the mortgage and knowing you will have that big holiday next year paid for in the bag. DSis has had a pretty lovely package no wonder it was kept quiet.

How can you honestly put a price on time with your children in the early years? It’s almost priceless in that sense. OP’s sister has been paid to have that privilege.

This is so very true. I don't know what I'd want- A cheque for 300k and them to stop funding the sisters lifestyle, ok that would resolve the money side of it. The emotional side of it can never be resolved. How can any explanation justify what they've done, all of them. They are all as bad as each other sadly. I'd be devastated about the loss of that lovely family dynamic I thought I had as its gone forever. Losing trust in people is one of thr most impossible things to come back from. I could pay for all the therapy in the world but I'd be keeping all these people at arms length for a long while, maybe forever.

I hope you get something out of the meeting today op. I'd also be asking that its not done out in public as it feels they want it out so you don't kick off. I'd want it all done privately as this certainly isn't a conversation for others to overhear and could leave you feeling very upset

I think it’s also the fact that op wasn’t even given the choice.

Her parents didn’t say look girls we want to help you both out, there is some financial support available we would like to offer that might mean you can work part time, if you want to. To have a nicer, stress free life, holidays, cars and mortgage payments so you can enjoy time with your dc and not have to worry - let’s talk about both of your options, and work out how we can support you BOTH.

That never happened.

This was arranged on the quiet, and the numerous lies and covering up that would have taken place over the years to deceive op is really quite staggering when you think about it, and it will certainly be devastating for op.

This. It's not the money that matters, it's the lifestyle it enables. To be able to give your DC the same opportunities in life - without having to sacrifice the true gift of time with them.

What has really opened my eyes are the posts on here, that clearly KNOW they are doing the same, they try to distort and twist it to avoid the truth that this is tremendously painful to any child.

The dishonesty and the deprivation of financial support (which also doubles up as emotional support)

I suspect many on here will continue too, as the inevitable blow up is worth the privilege and pleasure they have been able to offer to their favoured child.

The division and damage will be their legacy, but they are unlikely to care very much, or they wouldn't run the risk in the first place. They have weighed it up, and take their chances.
Sociopathic some might say.

Sadly some people just don’t realise how much ‘mentally hard work’ working full time, having children and managing a home is. It is also physically tiring juggling childcare / working. It has an impact on family life every day

You are expected to carry on without complaint because you ‘can’ and people say you really ‘should know your privilege’. You must not be frustrated when other people are given more - either from family as in this case or in the form of government benefits. You really should be very grateful that you can work full time and pay more taxes to support other less fortunate than yourself who for a variety of reasons are not able to work full time (by choice or for medical reasons) or are not in a career that pays them well, and you should really not be bothered by others receiving the same financial reward for significantly less effort.

The OP sister knows she is a CF - that’s why it’s been a secret.

good luck today op. i strongly recommend you say as little as possible. ask questions and share nothing about how you feel otherwise they will tailor their excuses to your accusations and in doing so they will likely minimise your feelings, gaslight you and you may well be left feeling like you don’t have the whole story.

treat today as a fact finding mission, then take time to digest your feelings, before having a full blown argument.

No but i am a parent of 4 adult children andl would not tolerate any of them questioning much less seekingvto control how i choose to spend my own money.

This hits so many points.

OP, I have been thinking about you today. 🥰

A relative of ours did this with one of their daughters but they made sure their will reflected the extra the one girl had had and it balanced out ( more or less) once inheritance came into play.

Please point me to where the OP has said they will 'demand' to know anything. I must have missed it.

I think your issues stretch well beyond the fair treatment of your children.

It’s not about the money, ultimately, as in this family nobody is on the breadline. It’s the deceit.

That warm, close, loving relationship OP thought she has, has been based on a lie. Out of four people, three people are in possession of crucial information that they know could be hurtful for the fourth person to know (if they didn’t they would have told her), and they’ve kept that fourth person in the dark for years and years. That’s a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty, with three people manipulating reality for the fourth.

Im quite shocked by how many people on this thread have experienced such blatant inequality. My DPs have had an open conversation with their DC: their wills don’t divide equally, in fact they divide in xyz way and these are the reasons why. Are you all ok with it, do you have any questions, we want this sorted out while we’re still here to answer questions. My PILs have told their DC they are dividing their wills equally but SIL has had her house and car paid for by them while the other two got no help, are they ok with it (turns out they are). There’s no dishonesty, no deceit, everyone is on an equal footing, nobody is left with unpleasant feelings, everyone knows where they stand - and every child is accorded the respect of being able to talk about how they feel, to understand this isn’t about loving one child more than the other, of openly explaining parents’ fears and worries for after they’re gone and even when old but still around. It’s decent, honest, respectful behaviour.

So, to me this really isn’t about money. It’s about the family relationship being based on half truths, a lack of trust, a lack of respect - dishonesty frankly. I don’t know how those relationships can continue that way other than by OP deciding she’s going to pretend this never happened, or an enormous mea culpa from parents and sister.

So sad. And all the parents in here saying they’d be furious if their DC ever questioned their right to do what they want with their money 🤯. Completely missing the point. Of course you can do what you want, but have you really not thought about the consequences of doing what you want? You don’t have to do what your DC tell you to do, but if you treat some of your children less favourable than others then you will reap the discord you sow (or rather, you won’t because you’ll be dead - and maybe that’s your cowardly way out - your children will after you’re gone. Shoddy, pathetic, feeble behaviour. Just have the conversations fgs).

`Defending the indefensible! Seriously listen to yourself, carrying on like some sort of nazi war crime has been committed. The OP will discuss and deal with it with her family as she sees fit i hope and I really hope that the posters relishing the drama and encouraging confrontation and therapy and goodness knows what take a good look at why they are so filled with rage that a women they don't know is getting some money from her parents.

I would be livid. And definitely raise it - sensitively - with your parents and explain that it was a shock to learn and transparency would be appreciated as it strikes you as unfair. If it were me, I would attempt to explain that it is kind and generous for them to “treat” your sister but it feels as though you are being treated differently (and indeed, discriminated against, IMO) for taking a different career path and being more well off under your own steam and decisions, which have a cost to you beyond the financial gain which perhaps isn’t viewed from the outside world. I understand treats but paying the mortgage is not a treat. I would ask how they intend to equalise matters in the future or if they don’t intend to, leave it with them knowing that it has hurt you.

my husband has a similar situation (other sibs getting hand outs left right and centre while we work intense - well paid - city jobs) and it drives me potty. It feels like he is being punished and any hand outs (eg a generous stamp duty payout) he gets is always on the basis of being paid back, or on the basis of us not going out for “lavish” meals in the meantime. No such caveats given to the others.

I know this is a random poster on the internet and for all I know could be completely made up. But assuming some good faith I’m open-mouthed at the real time revelation that there are people who are like this. I cannot imagine having to navigate life with a parent who thinks this way. What has happened to you for you to view your children and yourself this way? It’s so, so sad.

You still don’t get it do you. I will say it slowly again.

It.is.The. Deceit. And. The. Dishonesty.