Page 23 | To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

RipsMyKnitting · 2025-12-27T16:43:50+00:00

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all. My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could. DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance. But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to. How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous. It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point. Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

rickyrickygrimes · 28/12/2025 11:58

Wow OP I’m stunned by your update after talking with your sister. I can’t believe no one had told you about this arrangement over so many years. I’m so sorry. You must be gutted. The money is not insignificant especially if it’s not balanced out in their wills, but the secrecy must hurt even more.

i was a SAHM for 10 years, my sister had a ‘big job’, high earning partner and no kids during that time and a much higher income / lifestyle. It would never have occurred to my parents to subsidise our choice to have only one salary! They helped us in lots of non-financial ways - mostly giving us use of their holiday home for ‘free’ holidays (we were also keeping it occupied for them) and putting us up with them during visits to the UK. But that was it, and my sister was fully aware.

Radiosn · 28/12/2025 12:02

A 300k early inheritance is not small change, tax free.
Unforgivable behaviour IMO.

Daytimetellyqueen · 28/12/2025 12:09

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 09:52

Thanks. It’s depressing the extent to which people have swallowed the workers vs shirkers divide and conquer narrative. If you can’t help your kids then I don’t really see what the point of having loads of money is. I expect when the OP speaks to her parents they will say that she gave the outward impression of being very happy in her chosen career and so giving her money never occurred to them. I tend not to assume malice, I think most people try their best

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I don’t necessarily disagree but the issue is the secrecy & lack of transparency - that doesn’t happen in loving families (which the Op believed
she had) unless you know what you’re doing is wrong / unfair in some way.

NMWchanges · 28/12/2025 12:16

RipsMyKnitting · 27/12/2025 23:18

I'm really gutted, I did not see this coming at all

I honestly thought we had a great family dynamic, we've done so many things together we all enjoy spending time together and I really felt like I had the benefit of a great trusted family unit

Not sure how I feel about it all, not sure it's jealously or betrayal or like I've been made a fool of or hurt that I'm second fiddle in some bizarre favouritism contest I wasn't aware I was part of

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Based on my experience it’s the secrecy that hurts far more than the £££. This is because it goes to the trust at the heart of your relationship.

Sadly, I didn’t find out until after one parent had died and the other had dementia. The inability to find out the truth has been devastating for me. With time I have reflected and realised that I don’t care about the money it’s the fact my sibling has used the knowledge my parents hid this from me to repeatedly hurt me and to not tell me the truth.

My advice is to focus on your relationship not the ££. It is reasonable to ask your parents why they didn’t trust you with the truth. Ask them how they are going to repair the trust in your relationship - point out that not everything can be brought.

blackpooolrock · 28/12/2025 12:23

Not sure how I feel about it all, not sure it's jealously or betrayal or like I've been made a fool of or hurt that I'm second fiddle in some bizarre favouritism contest I wasn't aware I was part of

This is the same way i felt. I spoke to both them privately and together and it was obvious they had talked and had decided they were only going to tell me so much. I was told i was being unreasonable when i told them to go forth and multiply but i reminded them they are the ones who were lying and hiding stuff which has consequences.

I wasn't prepared to stand for their nonsense so walked away.

It was their actions which caused the issue - not mine. They lost out, not me.

ViciousCurrentBun · 28/12/2025 12:24

I am one of 6 siblings and DH has a sister. DH sister and one of mine have both been shit at life, lots of very bad decision making. SIL and my sister had a series of cock lodgers and SIL has done stupid things like buy a timeshare to a holiday home that she has never used. All the parents worried about them and bailed them out financially often throughout adulthood and on death they left their entire estates to our sisters. I mean at least I had siblings to jointly bitch with about it. MIL has changed her will to attempt to even it out, they had been divorced for a long time. She was hurt more than anyone at the unfairness.

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:24

shhblackbag · 28/12/2025 11:13

I feel for you, OP. Your latest updates are shocking. No one can tell you how to handle this, but your feelings are valid. Personally, I couldn't look at any of them the same again and would distance myself. They've all lied to you for a very long time, everything else aside. Not that the 'everything else' is insignificant, of course. Far from it.

I wish you the best as you navigate this. Put yourself and your husband first.

How do you reach the conclusion that anyone has ' lied'? Did they deny they were giving the sister money? The fact that vher father talked about it in front of her proves tgat there was no secrecy let alone lying involved.

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 12:26

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:24

How do you reach the conclusion that anyone has ' lied'? Did they deny they were giving the sister money? The fact that vher father talked about it in front of her proves tgat there was no secrecy let alone lying involved.

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Let me introduce you to the concept of "lying by omission".

Radiosn · 28/12/2025 12:29

Of course her parents have lied by ommission.

shhblackbag · 28/12/2025 12:32

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 12:26

Let me introduce you to the concept of "lying by omission".

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Exactly. Of course they've lied.

IwishIcouldconfess · 28/12/2025 12:33

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:24

How do you reach the conclusion that anyone has ' lied'? Did they deny they were giving the sister money? The fact that vher father talked about it in front of her proves tgat there was no secrecy let alone lying involved.

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Are you for real?

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 12:34

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:24

How do you reach the conclusion that anyone has ' lied'? Did they deny they were giving the sister money? The fact that vher father talked about it in front of her proves tgat there was no secrecy let alone lying involved.

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Nah, he f*cked up by talking about it openly in front of OP. They've all been very careful, for many years, not to mention this whole other side of the family dynamic that OP had no idea about.

Blizzardofleaves · 28/12/2025 12:34

I think you are likely to have a very difficult family meeting today, where the dishonesty is laid bare of many decades.

They will attempt to steamroll over their collusion to fall over themselves to tell you they did it for you/ for family cohesiveness and every other excuse they can think of to cover up their disgraceful treatment of you, part of you will want it all to be true. To long for your old family unit to go back to the way it was.

You are going to need time and space to reassess how you move forward, the loss of the family you thought you had.

They are not the people you thought they were.

It would be hard for me to know my sister’s children have had so many extra benefits, time, attention, parental care and additionally have been ultimately spending your children’s potential inheritance doing so.

I don’t believe for one minute your parents intended to balance this out at the end, or they would have told you years ago what their plan was. There would be no need for secrecy.

The abject loss of trust and confidence in your own parents and sibling can be devastating, especially if you believed them to be good and honest people.

Go easy on yourself op, in the next couple of days. You will be going through an emotional cycle of loss and shock. Not unlike the discovery of an affair or similar. People can often underestimate how painful it is.

Take care op. Remain clear eyed about the lack of honesty and transparency. Don’t let them gas light you.

All the best.

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:35

You really need to stop medelling op and certainly you have absolutely no right go be going in demanding knowledge ofvyour sisters' and parents financial areangements. How do you know they havent adjusted their will to take account of tge money they have given your sister?
If you feel your sister is 'favourite', you going in interfering in sonething which by your own admissions has nothing to do with you, isnt going to ingratiate you to anybody. Youvwill come across as mean-spirited, brattish and controlling. Conduct yourself with dignity!

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 12:36

Blizzardofleaves · 28/12/2025 12:34

I think you are likely to have a very difficult family meeting today, where the dishonesty is laid bare of many decades.

They will attempt to steamroll over their collusion to fall over themselves to tell you they did it for you/ for family cohesiveness and every other excuse they can think of to cover up their disgraceful treatment of you, part of you will want it all to be true. To long for your old family unit to go back to the way it was.

You are going to need time and space to reassess how you move forward, the loss of the family you thought you had.

They are not the people you thought they were.

It would be hard for me to know my sister’s children have had so many extra benefits, time, attention, parental care and additionally have been ultimately spending your children’s potential inheritance doing so.

I don’t believe for one minute your parents intended to balance this out at the end, or they would have told you years ago what their plan was. There would be no need for secrecy.

The abject loss of trust and confidence in your own parents and sibling can be devastating, especially if you believed them to be good and honest people.

Go easy on yourself op, in the next couple of days. You will be going through an emotional cycle of loss and shock. Not unlike the discovery of an affair or similar. People can often underestimate how painful it is.

Take care op. Remain clear eyed about the lack of honesty and transparency. Don’t let them gas light you.

All the best.

Edited

Brilliant post. Sums up all the implications, and probable reactions 👏

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 12:37

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:35

You really need to stop medelling op and certainly you have absolutely no right go be going in demanding knowledge ofvyour sisters' and parents financial areangements. How do you know they havent adjusted their will to take account of tge money they have given your sister?
If you feel your sister is 'favourite', you going in interfering in sonething which by your own admissions has nothing to do with you, isnt going to ingratiate you to anybody. Youvwill come across as mean-spirited, brattish and controlling. Conduct yourself with dignity!

I think we can tell how fairly you treat your children...

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/12/2025 12:39

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:24

How do you reach the conclusion that anyone has ' lied'? Did they deny they were giving the sister money? The fact that vher father talked about it in front of her proves tgat there was no secrecy let alone lying involved.

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Her sister admitted it started 15 years ago!!! And she only found out this Christmas… how is that not a lie

lemonts · 28/12/2025 12:39

Blizzardofleaves · 28/12/2025 12:34

I think you are likely to have a very difficult family meeting today, where the dishonesty is laid bare of many decades.

They will attempt to steamroll over their collusion to fall over themselves to tell you they did it for you/ for family cohesiveness and every other excuse they can think of to cover up their disgraceful treatment of you, part of you will want it all to be true. To long for your old family unit to go back to the way it was.

You are going to need time and space to reassess how you move forward, the loss of the family you thought you had.

They are not the people you thought they were.

It would be hard for me to know my sister’s children have had so many extra benefits, time, attention, parental care and additionally have been ultimately spending your children’s potential inheritance doing so.

I don’t believe for one minute your parents intended to balance this out at the end, or they would have told you years ago what their plan was. There would be no need for secrecy.

The abject loss of trust and confidence in your own parents and sibling can be devastating, especially if you believed them to be good and honest people.

Go easy on yourself op, in the next couple of days. You will be going through an emotional cycle of loss and shock. Not unlike the discovery of an affair or similar. People can often underestimate how painful it is.

Take care op. Remain clear eyed about the lack of honesty and transparency. Don’t let them gas light you.

All the best.

Edited

What a horrible world view you must have. Trying to sow more anxiety and stress for the OP. This is her actual life and family you are talking about. God knows what issies you have had in your life to make you so bitter but I really hope the OP is able to ignore horrible twisted posts such as yours which appear to be rooted in projection and actually just have a dicussion with her own family. It's like those threads where some MN seem to be unable to accept that happy marriages exist because their own marriage failed horribly. Really unpleasant.

Blizzardofleaves · 28/12/2025 12:39

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:35

You really need to stop medelling op and certainly you have absolutely no right go be going in demanding knowledge ofvyour sisters' and parents financial areangements. How do you know they havent adjusted their will to take account of tge money they have given your sister?
If you feel your sister is 'favourite', you going in interfering in sonething which by your own admissions has nothing to do with you, isnt going to ingratiate you to anybody. Youvwill come across as mean-spirited, brattish and controlling. Conduct yourself with dignity!

You can really spot the tyrants that treat their own children similarly a mile away on this thread - as they froth and wriggle in their discomfort.

Thisiswhathings · 28/12/2025 12:40

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 12:35

You really need to stop medelling op and certainly you have absolutely no right go be going in demanding knowledge ofvyour sisters' and parents financial areangements. How do you know they havent adjusted their will to take account of tge money they have given your sister?
If you feel your sister is 'favourite', you going in interfering in sonething which by your own admissions has nothing to do with you, isnt going to ingratiate you to anybody. Youvwill come across as mean-spirited, brattish and controlling. Conduct yourself with dignity!

Interfering= asking questions

She won't know if the will has been adjusted until she speaks with them.

Spendysis · 28/12/2025 12:41

@Pricelessadvicethat is exactly what has happened in my family. Greedy financially irresponsible dsis who dm has bailed out all her adult life without any complaints from me has cut me and my dc off and made it extremely difficult for us to see dm so she can have control of dm money and spend it including doing an equity release on dm house when her savings ran out

it is heartbreaking and i feel for dm who hasn’t seen her only dgc for a few years and will pass knowing her only dc are nc. I would never of fallen out with dsis over money or the will if I was interested in dm money I would have asked for mine when she was handing out tens of thousands to dsis over the years. Dsis obviously had other ideas she has totally destroyed our family including dh and his cousins relationship as she is dsis best friend and believes dsis lies

I have accepted what dsis has done to me and my dc for my own peace but I do hope the truth of what she has done comes out eventually

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 12:43

lemonts · 28/12/2025 12:39

What a horrible world view you must have. Trying to sow more anxiety and stress for the OP. This is her actual life and family you are talking about. God knows what issies you have had in your life to make you so bitter but I really hope the OP is able to ignore horrible twisted posts such as yours which appear to be rooted in projection and actually just have a dicussion with her own family. It's like those threads where some MN seem to be unable to accept that happy marriages exist because their own marriage failed horribly. Really unpleasant.

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There's some very interesting projection happening on this thread. People are showing themselves, without realising it.

Goldwren1923 · 28/12/2025 12:45

Carycach4 · 28/12/2025 11:07

We are parents of 4 adult children and we spend our money how we see fit. I would give pretty short shrift to any of our kids who were interfering enough to involve themselves in this!

If you end up treating your children unequally: Enjoy your estrangement and don’t come here wondering why your child is NC

mullers1977 · 28/12/2025 12:48

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 10:46

Yes we do - something the sister is NOT doing because mummy and daddy are footing the bill! that’s not taking responsibility for yourself or your own happiness.

Opting out of the rat race is absolutely valid - I’ve done it! I work freelance 3 days a week and travel for 8 weeks a year but the difference is I can afford to because my work commands a high day rate. It would not occur to me that it was an option to do low paid work and have someone else fund it, as I’m sure it wouldn’t occur to most people. That’s the problem here - the secrecy meant OP never realised this life was available. But it’s also bonkers that there are people out there who think topping up one adult child’s income to match the other’s is a fine and normal thing to do rather than encouraging qualities like independence or recognition of the consequence of choices.

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It’s so warped isn’t it! I agree with all you’ve said here, imagining giving all that money to one set of daughter, son in law, grandchildren and offering nothing to the other and even worse, keeping it secret.

Blizzardofleaves · 28/12/2025 12:48

lemonts · 28/12/2025 12:39

What a horrible world view you must have. Trying to sow more anxiety and stress for the OP. This is her actual life and family you are talking about. God knows what issies you have had in your life to make you so bitter but I really hope the OP is able to ignore horrible twisted posts such as yours which appear to be rooted in projection and actually just have a dicussion with her own family. It's like those threads where some MN seem to be unable to accept that happy marriages exist because their own marriage failed horribly. Really unpleasant.

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I knew you would pipe up. You have spent endless amounts of time defending the indefensible on here.

This is precisely how it is going to pan out, because OP’s family know that the secret is now exposed, and highlights their dishonesty and disregard of many decades. This can’t be put back in the box. It’s likely to cause great division, and irreparable damage. They have lied for nearly twenty whole years to op, how anyone would ever find this remotely acceptable is beyond me.