To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Your parents are being unbelievably stupid is doing this as it always comes out in the end.For your own sake OP you have to address this with them. Tell them about the sacrifices you have to make in order to earn what you do and have the lifestyle you have. It’s completely unfair what your parents have done and continue to do but I suspect they already know this.

I have no clue what you mean to be honest, your reference is lost on me.

well i hope you are right because this is the least hurtful interpretation for the OP.

The OP will have context from her childhood to draw on to hopefully understand whether this is part of a pattern of favouritism, or simply something that started when they realised the DSis was struggling financially.

Yes we do - something the sister is NOT doing because mummy and daddy are footing the bill! that’s not taking responsibility for yourself or your own happiness.

Opting out of the rat race is absolutely valid - I’ve done it! I work freelance 3 days a week and travel for 8 weeks a year but the difference is I can afford to because my work commands a high day rate. It would not occur to me that it was an option to do low paid work and have someone else fund it, as I’m sure it wouldn’t occur to most people. That’s the problem here - the secrecy meant OP never realised this life was available. But it’s also bonkers that there are people out there who think topping up one adult child’s income to match the other’s is a fine and normal thing to do rather than encouraging qualities like independence or recognition of the consequence of choices.

But the DSis was not "struggling financially". She and her DH just weren't earning as much as the OP and her husband.

And when the OP's husband was made redundant, the parents didn't offer anything...

We've seen this dynamic play out on other threads - a family member is subsidised/indulged for years for not being as capable/hard working as another family member. And is always excused for not helping out as much with the parents, etc etc... People are seemingly punished for having their act together.

We are parents of 4 adult children and we spend our money how we see fit. I would give pretty short shrift to any of our kids who were interfering enough to involve themselves in this!

This. If I had two adult children and one was, say, a banker and the other a part time florist, and the florist expressed any discontent and not being able to afford a banker lifestyle, I’d say “yes, that will happen when you make the perfectly reasonable and valid choice to have a part time creative passion job, and if you want to earn more that’s up to you.” Like fuck would I be handing over a penny! Of course I’d help them in times of genuine dire need, but that isn’t what this is. I’d be ashamed as a parent if I’d raised someone who thought living on parental handouts was normal or acceptable.

Personally I’d say the sister that needs all the handouts for fancy holidays ought to grow up first….

I feel for you, OP. Your latest updates are shocking. No one can tell you how to handle this, but your feelings are valid. Personally, I couldn't look at any of them the same again and would distance myself. They've all lied to you for a very long time, everything else aside. Not that the 'everything else' is insignificant, of course. Far from it.

I wish you the best as you navigate this. Put yourself and your husband first.

You sound as 'fair' as the OP's parents. And your replies seem a bit touchy. Have you learned, from this thread, that being fair matters? And that maybe your children would agree?

Do you think favouring one child and giving them a significant financial boost is OK?

Your DSis will have regaled your DP with all the details about their earnings, bills, debts, everything that helped build the picture for your DP that you're earning a lot more than her and what a struggle it is for them, etc. it will probably have been going on for years. That's the way these things work.

some people get on in life and make choices that ensure they aren't a burden on their family or at least don't place their problems at the door of their family, and others don't think about others and are out for themselves. Your DSis sees your DPs as a cash machine and laughing at you while they get a regular handout to supplement their chosen lifestyle.

you can make a point, tell your DP how unfair it is, but ultimately it's their money and their choice, if you try to suggest they address the inequality in their will, which would seem reasonable, you'll come across as presumptuous and grabby. So you'll always be the loser, financially.

personally I'd try to let it go, if you don't want to ruin the relationship with your folks but it was really clueless and insensitive of your DF to give you information you could do nothing with,

Who says she doesn't enjoy being an architect?

And keeping it a secret?

But I notice on MN there's a lot of thinking parents should share their wealth with offspring who had more children than they could afford. It really surprises me that fully grown adults with their own family expect their parents to continue financing them.

You do realise a Landscape Architect doesn't design gardens - that's a garden designer, completely different profession. A LA designs the spaces between buildings, so your city/ town public realm; mitigation design for major infrastructure so it doesn't negatively impact your enjoyment/use of public space (I.e. ANYTHING outside of a building you live/ work/ visit) etc. A LA is a chartered professional, akin to an Architect or an Engineer, with 7 years of study and legal liabilities and protection e.g. nothing like a garden designer who can 'study' for a year and call themselves a designer.

I’ve not read the whole thread as it’s very long but is there a chance your parents might be leaving you more money in their will, with the idea being that you sister has had a lot of her share already?

"chosen happiness"

🙄

DSis...is that you???

Of course. And any of your children who found themselves on the receiving end of treatment like OP has would be entitled to give you short shrift in terms of ongoing contact and care.

DP's are only in their middle 60's - inheritance, if there is any, is a loooong way off from now. DSis has had a free ride for the last 15 years and continues to do so. Getting 'a bit more' from "the inheritance" 40 years from now when OP is in her 80's.....whoopie!

@Wtfdoidoplease
You missed a very big issue.It was the OP they were topping up her sister’s income to match. If there had not been a discrepancy they would probably not have been doing any topping up.
Most landlords are also workers who are just trying to put aside for their old age.
Also no she didn’t ‘enter financial difficulty’. OP mistakenly mentioned her salary about 15 years ago. The parents then set up a monthly bank transfer to top up her sister’s income to match.

@truffleruffle
DD has now left a 250k flat to me
Why would your daughter leave you a flat?

@Maryaliceyoungx
They offered her the money to match her sisters salary. So the sisters easy life is the result of her sisters hard work.
EXACTLY! It was clearly to match the OP, no other reason.

I’d want to know in advance if they have done the same with their will. Imagine if you found all this out way down the line because they have also left her significantly more.

it’s not the money is it, it’s being treated as less important than your sibling. I’ll be honest I would struggle to move on from this with any of them.

I only suggested it as a possible thought process that her parents might have had to justify it.

Having watched a very close family recently torn apart by a will (when the person involved is not yet even dead), I’ve seen the utter devastation that money does to people. Huge fall out, awful things said and an adult child and their kids disowned.
It was extremely sad.

Best wishes OP x

Sounds like you aren’t the favourite and they want their favourite to have the same lifestyle as you, it’s up to your parents, but not easy for you.

True. It can definitely tear a family apart and it's so hard to predict how or which way it will happen. Disowning an adult child and gc is extreme.