To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

couldn't disagree more @Wtfdoidoplease has raised a lot of very valid points. It just so happens that they dont coincide with your world view.

I suspect that poster likewise has 'an easy life without working'. At either her parents' expense or the taxpayers' expense.

Seems like she’s getting quite a hefty handout. I would feel completely betrayed by my parents if they did this, not jealous of my sibling ( I would actually feel embarrassed for her and her husband)

And the car, and the long haul holidays...

THIS

OP resents the inquality of treatment and the secrecy. There has been a conspiracy of silence about the large monthly allowance from her parents to her sister to ensure that OP's sister has exactly the same income as OP.

However, I would imagine that OP's sister is actually better off than OP because her sister's and her sister's husband's much shorter working hours will mean that they won't need to pay for childcare and I assume that OP and her husband will shell out quite a lot for childcare. Do we even know if they subsidise OP's sister's family to the level of OP's family income before or after tax?

Why weren't her parents transparent and why didn't they tell OP that she had the option of working fewer hours to achieve a better work/life balance with their financial help? If OP did significantly reduce her hours, would her parents subsidise her to make up the difference, or would they lower the amount paid to the sister to keep their incomes the same?

It's a massively fucked up dynamic and no wonder OP's head is spinning.

This would piss me off no end.

Why do parents do such things?

I am not sure I could get past such a revelation and would have lost all respect for the parents who are subsidising their daughters hobby and for the sister and husband who are accepting of it

People who don't agree with you are not 'missing the point'! You are very similar to the op with your (plural) shared belief you have regarding other people's right to their own decisions. Its like a spoiled child stamping their foot and crying that 'it's not fair'. Life ISNT always fair and part of being an adult is recognising that!
I am baffled as to why she feels she has any right to know about tbis arrangement. Her parents do not need to run their spending past her! She needs to grow the f up!

She wouldn't even tell you how much they are giving her, that is appalling. It can't be for holidays either as she said, as your dad pays for those separately! And it's not even "topping up" now, as she said it's got bigger over the years.
In a way the exact amount doesn't matter though, it's clearly enormous. I'm not surprised you don't know how to feel, it's favouritism, secrecy, judgment and entitlement all in one.
I hope your dad gives you an equal amount as he's given her. It wouldn't make up for the secrecy or the huge lifestyle advantages over the years that sis has had, but at least you'd be rewarded financially on equal terms.
Your parents were very foolish to do this, it's not help it's handouts, but nothing they can do about it now.

Money earned is no different to money given? Are you for real? The OP earns their money through hard graft and sacrifice, of course that’s something to be proud of. The sister has chosen to not work as hard but thus needs her income supplementing by her parents to the detriment of her sibling who is therefore being overlooked in the process. You’re giving vibes of being the sister TBH!

Thanks. It’s depressing the extent to which people have swallowed the workers vs shirkers divide and conquer narrative. If you can’t help your kids then I don’t really see what the point of having loads of money is. I expect when the OP speaks to her parents they will say that she gave the outward impression of being very happy in her chosen career and so giving her money never occurred to them. I tend not to assume malice, I think most people try their best

If the sister really was so unconcerned about material wealth, the rat race etc why is she accepting money to even up her lifestyle to her "rat race" sister's? She's a bit of a hypocrite pretending to fund it all from her / her DH's earnings from their niche lifestyle jobs. When in reality she's only got her enviable life because her sister had a pay rise once.

Do please illuminate me as to the difference in money earned and money given? Does one type pay for things and one type not?

You’ve obviously never tried to hold the crow pose for any given amount of time.

To give her kids a nice holiday and a roof over their heads?

OP's parents aren't helping their "kids" though, are they? They're helping their "kid".

And if it's all so innocent, why have they all been keeping it secret for years?

Won't say how much it is = it's a lot

Maybe look at the vile responses on this thread re the sister and parents, to understand why people may not wish to publicly discuss their financial arrangements.

Can she not work for it, like the OP? No-one needs a long haul holiday. She wasn't at risk of being homeless at any time either, just had her income topped up to her sister's, and probably no childcare costs, tax out of it either.

No, but I do work two sometimes three days a week when I could work more and earn far more. However, I earn pretty well and support myself and my family. It does mean though that I am coming from a perspective of someone who took a risk to avoid working a corporate job that would make me unhappy. Had it not worked out I wouldn’t have had family money to fall back on.

I think what you define as secret I define as merely private.

We have family members who clearly get financial support that isn’t offered to others. I think they’re all a bunch of spoilt twats tbh and I have no respect for them in rinsing the elderly. I would be furious op in your situation with a direct sibling getting so much more support, I imagine you will be expected to be the bigger person and suck it up as you are the responsible one.

Private = not knowing the specific details of the arrangement

Secret = making a conscious effort to hide the fact that the arrangement exists in the first place

I don’t think we know enough to judge that.

Here’s what I predict. OP will speak to her parents in hopefully a non confrontational way and will get more clarity on the matter. I expect things aren’t as nefarious as some people on this thread are interpreting them.

I've often thought we'd have to do this for ds - he has autism and ADHD and at times we thought he wouldn't be able to manage on much more than a min wage job and we'd have to subsidise his housing/lifestyle. He's pushed through and shown remarkable levels of resilience, and now it's looking like we might not need to. However, in considering this we'd have had to think very deeply about how we'd make it fair on dd - I'm not sure what arrangement we would have reached but secrecy would not be part of it and her getting less overall would not have been part of it either.
OP I can see why you feel uncomfortable about the arrangement, the secrecy is upsetting, the inequality is upsetting. I hope you can reach a resolution today but the hurt won't be so easy to resolve.