Page 20 | To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

RipsMyKnitting · 2025-12-27T16:43:50+00:00

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all. My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could. DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance. But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to. How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous. It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point. Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 07:53

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 07:35

I must be the only person on this thread who doesn’t really see the big deal. Feels natural to me that a parent would help the child that is the lower earner. You help according to need not in pursuit of some dogged fidelity to notions of parity.

I would withhold judgment until you have spoken to them and ignore some of the frankly unhinged replies on this thread which are vitriolic and grabby. I can imagine you are hurt that it was kept under wraps but you don’t know that much about their individual circumstances yet.

I wonder if at the root of this is resentment at her choice to pursue a less demanding career. You decided to become an architect but don’t much enjoy it. That is a lot of training, money and energy you have spent on an unfulfilling life choice. I wonder if what really bothers you is that she has chosen happiness and thanks to your parents hasn’t struggled financially for it,

Probably what is bothering her is that her parents are propping up a very easy lifestyle. It would be great for all of us to work a few hours a week and enjoy luxury holidays, a free car, a paid mortgage.

what is bothering her is she too apparently could have had a hobby job and been around for her kids, had no financial worries as her parents could have just propped her up.

most people live under the understanding that if you want nice holidays and a car and a nice house you have to work hard - not sit around on your lazy yoga toned arse!

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 28/12/2025 07:54

CinnamonJellyBeans · 28/12/2025 01:36

Your crunchy mum sister has a stress-free "job" that another woman would do as a side-hustle. You have an intensive job with years of training, longer hours (?) a long commute.

Your parents diminish your work ethic and professional status by actively raising her household disposable income to match yours, even though you work harder and smarter than her. She doesn't need to toil and do wrap around childcare, because she's worth more than you in their eyes. It's like you're the donkey and she's the racehorse, who is far too delicate and valuable to pull a cart.

It's not even money for food, childrens' education or acquitistion of cultural capital or unexpected household repairs: it's for fancy holidays, so she can show off her abdominal rectus muscles.

I think tomorrow is too early for a discussion, as this isn't just about the money and I think you could do with a little bit more time to process this favouritsm and deceit.

I agree with a lot of this.

there is a similar situation in my family where my dad subsidises one of my siblings, with a narrative of “she’s not as strong/capable as you”.

I’m not jealous of the money, as PP said I can provide for myself, but this view that she can’t help the situation drives me absolutely insane. She’s a lazy waster who would rather not work. It’s that simple. And the fact that he can’t see that and tries to convince himself that life is just harder for her has made me lose a lot of respect for my dad over the years. When he needs help it’s not his jobless daughter with time on her hands that he calls, it’s the capable one.

agree with the recommendation to take a bit of time to process this before a conversation, and i definitely wouldn’t have that conversation with your sister present.

DoraSpenlow · 28/12/2025 07:55

But the OP's sister and her husband have chosen to do jobs that for whatever reason are lower paid and choose to work less hours. But they want the same lifestyle that the sister works for and are enabled to do so by the parents.

It's not like they are somehow mentally or physically disadvantaged. Most people would like to live a comfortable life without having to put in the effort, given the choice.

SaltyTea · 28/12/2025 07:58

At different stages of their lives, we've been fortunate enough to be able to help our DC financially but we have always been open about it and evened things out. They are on different income levels but all seem very content with their lives and the choices they have made.
It seems strange to me that you would treat two adults this way. I would have hated relying on my parents in this way, even more so my PIL.
I would be hurt that my parents did not recognise my work ethic and achievements. I would also be wondering if this unfair treatment will be passed along to the GC.
I hope your conversation goes well today but I would brace yourself for more hurt as I suspect they will try to make you feel bad for pointing out this unfair treatment.

HollyhockDays · 28/12/2025 08:01

A regular allowance is shocking. Did you sister seem at all embarrassed or aware this was unfair?

My BIL lived rent free/ bills free for years in FILs house when he was in a care home and completely justifies what he did, thinks he did nothing wrong. DH doesn’t speak to him anymore so if you can address it or not let it fester that would be great.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/12/2025 08:02

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 07:35

I must be the only person on this thread who doesn’t really see the big deal. Feels natural to me that a parent would help the child that is the lower earner. You help according to need not in pursuit of some dogged fidelity to notions of parity.

I would withhold judgment until you have spoken to them and ignore some of the frankly unhinged replies on this thread which are vitriolic and grabby. I can imagine you are hurt that it was kept under wraps but you don’t know that much about their individual circumstances yet.

I wonder if at the root of this is resentment at her choice to pursue a less demanding career. You decided to become an architect but don’t much enjoy it. That is a lot of training, money and energy you have spent on an unfulfilling life choice. I wonder if what really bothers you is that she has chosen happiness and thanks to your parents hasn’t struggled financially for it,

But your last point reinforces everything everyone else is saying…. It is resentment. OP may have a passion to start her own pottery business, basket weaving face painting etc but felt trap by life to stay in her job.,, all the while her sister was living the dream being paid for by mum and dad.

There aren’t many people who could honestly say they wouldn’t love to throw in the towel and do their passion if the bank of mum and dad could give them pocket money, holidays and buy a new car.

Takeoutyourhen · 28/12/2025 08:03

Chosen to have the jobs they have/fallen into but now have no incentive or drive to get a better job because why would they?
They will have been getting their conversation ducks in a row, OP, potentially agreeing fudged numbers so as someone above as mentioned, consider some rebuttals to their inevitable “woe is me” guilt tripping.
I wonder whether you dad has potentially had enough of bankrolling your sister and has untactfully decided to mention it in front of you.
I’m not sure what the solution is but when I’m pissed off at sisterly imbalances, I always try hard to remind myself that what I have achieved has been by my own merit, not handed over on a plate.
good luck!

turkeyboots · 28/12/2025 08:04

Oh no OP. I have a similar situation and its really damaged the extended family unit. Its hard to get over the favouritism and the lack of appreciation of the effort you've put into your life.
In my situation inlaws have quietly bought cars, a house and holidays for one sil. The other 2 siblings had none of that support and there is no reason (disabilities etc) for it. Ultimately it has meant that we've stepped away from them all. Its hard to be struggling though paying for nursery fees etc while one child of the family is getting massively subsidised.

Justbreathagain · 28/12/2025 08:05

In all honesty I would not talk to your family about this today. Your feelings are still strong about it and I think you need to be totally calm to make sure you don't say something you later regret. I would give it a week, more time to think before discussing. My siblings have been gifted money from my parents but that is because some are single and getting on the property ladder or earn less (not by choice) and so I don't have a problem with it. However in you case it is a choice and so I agree with you OP

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:43

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 07:53

Probably what is bothering her is that her parents are propping up a very easy lifestyle. It would be great for all of us to work a few hours a week and enjoy luxury holidays, a free car, a paid mortgage.

what is bothering her is she too apparently could have had a hobby job and been around for her kids, had no financial worries as her parents could have just propped her up.

most people live under the understanding that if you want nice holidays and a car and a nice house you have to work hard - not sit around on your lazy yoga toned arse!

Show quote history

I don’t really buy that. Plenty of people have easy lives despite not working that hard. Landlords being one example, those with lots of inherited wealth being another. The OP’s sister has made a choice to opt out of the rat race and hasn’t suffered for it. I think that’s what is enraging people.

If her parents want to support her then that’s her business. I think really what’s happening here is that the OP didn’t opt out of the rat race and is now annoyed at herself. I expect if she had her parents would be topping her up as well. It sounds like they can afford it and what better way to share your wealth than to enable your children to avoid soulless corporate jobs that they hate? If I had money that’s what I would spend it on.

truffleruffle · 28/12/2025 08:47

I was in similar position with two siblings, one being bought a small flat, then left the family business. In fairness he worked in for many years and enjoyed being his own boss. The other was helped to start a business and given a substantial deposit for a house. We worked hard made our own way. My DH would never take anything anyway.
Iater I was left to do everything for my parent’s, I worked full time and helped daily with DM who had dementia. DD has now left a 250k flat to me and DH.
should I feel guilty?

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 08:48

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:43

I don’t really buy that. Plenty of people have easy lives despite not working that hard. Landlords being one example, those with lots of inherited wealth being another. The OP’s sister has made a choice to opt out of the rat race and hasn’t suffered for it. I think that’s what is enraging people.

If her parents want to support her then that’s her business. I think really what’s happening here is that the OP didn’t opt out of the rat race and is now annoyed at herself. I expect if she had her parents would be topping her up as well. It sounds like they can afford it and what better way to share your wealth than to enable your children to avoid soulless corporate jobs that they hate? If I had money that’s what I would spend it on.

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But the OP didnt know opting out of the rat race was an option. The parents were not transparent. That is enraging! The OPs sister has an easy stress free life - all because her sister works hard. They offered her the money to match her sisters salary. So the sisters easy life is the result of her sisters hard work.

this has nothing to do with landlords - this has to do with a lazy cf with her hobby business taking getting handouts to make her salary equal to her hardworking sister w

muggart · 28/12/2025 08:50

so your sister gets a job that is:
low stress
essentially a hobby
based around health and fitness and will probably add years to her life
and allows her to be around for her children

You get:
to grind away for long hours
to juggle childcare
to study for longer
high pressure
commute
less time with family

honestly i would not be able to get past this. you may be very mature though and be able to forgive them because they won’t be seeing it the same way and are trying to be fair (in the most misguided way!)

or it may transpire that the sums involved are not huge.

who has more children? if she has more than you i bet they will probably portion off some of their will so it goes directly to the grandchildren ie more to her family.

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:51

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/12/2025 08:02

But your last point reinforces everything everyone else is saying…. It is resentment. OP may have a passion to start her own pottery business, basket weaving face painting etc but felt trap by life to stay in her job.,, all the while her sister was living the dream being paid for by mum and dad.

There aren’t many people who could honestly say they wouldn’t love to throw in the towel and do their passion if the bank of mum and dad could give them pocket money, holidays and buy a new car.

Show quote history

If she wanted it that much she’d have done it? Her parents are clearly well-off and she could have talked to them about it. I posit that OP is pissed off she didn’t think of doing something less demanding and I suspect that’s because she bought into ideas of work and career success more than her sister (perhaps she was academic throughout school and her sister wasn’t so much). She does have some agency! She has chosen this career path and persisted in it.

I don’t think it’s about money as much as it’s about her sister choosing a certain uncompetitive life that OP never would have chosen because she puts a lot of pressure on herself to succeed.

junglejunglebear · 28/12/2025 08:52

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:43

I don’t really buy that. Plenty of people have easy lives despite not working that hard. Landlords being one example, those with lots of inherited wealth being another. The OP’s sister has made a choice to opt out of the rat race and hasn’t suffered for it. I think that’s what is enraging people.

If her parents want to support her then that’s her business. I think really what’s happening here is that the OP didn’t opt out of the rat race and is now annoyed at herself. I expect if she had her parents would be topping her up as well. It sounds like they can afford it and what better way to share your wealth than to enable your children to avoid soulless corporate jobs that they hate? If I had money that’s what I would spend it on.

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OP didn't know opting out of paying for herself was an option, partly because her parents and sister chose to make sure she didn't know.

If OP had decided to fund adulthood by sponging off her parents, her sister wouldn't be in her current position, because there would be less money available for her.

The parents and sister have done this secretly for a reason.

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:55

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 08:48

But the OP didnt know opting out of the rat race was an option. The parents were not transparent. That is enraging! The OPs sister has an easy stress free life - all because her sister works hard. They offered her the money to match her sisters salary. So the sisters easy life is the result of her sisters hard work.

this has nothing to do with landlords - this has to do with a lazy cf with her hobby business taking getting handouts to make her salary equal to her hardworking sister w

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Well it does to have to do with landlords as they are lazy CFs, but let’s not get distracted.

I’m interested in this phrase “hobby business”. Is being a yoga teacher only acceptable if it generates a certain income? Does it not contribute good to society in any way? What is value when it comes to work ultimately?

OP resents being a corporate drone but has never explored other options or even spoken to her parents about the pressures on her. We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, don’t we?

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 08:57

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:51

If she wanted it that much she’d have done it? Her parents are clearly well-off and she could have talked to them about it. I posit that OP is pissed off she didn’t think of doing something less demanding and I suspect that’s because she bought into ideas of work and career success more than her sister (perhaps she was academic throughout school and her sister wasn’t so much). She does have some agency! She has chosen this career path and persisted in it.

I don’t think it’s about money as much as it’s about her sister choosing a certain uncompetitive life that OP never would have chosen because she puts a lot of pressure on herself to succeed.

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Only incredibly entitled people think ‘I’ll become a yoga teacher and expect my parents to fund it’

op was clearly not raised to be beleive their parents would or could fund their lifestyle for the rest of their life.

your take on this is honestly very strange

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 09:00

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:55

Well it does to have to do with landlords as they are lazy CFs, but let’s not get distracted.

I’m interested in this phrase “hobby business”. Is being a yoga teacher only acceptable if it generates a certain income? Does it not contribute good to society in any way? What is value when it comes to work ultimately?

OP resents being a corporate drone but has never explored other options or even spoken to her parents about the pressures on her. We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, don’t we?

Show quote history

Being a yoga teacher is absolutely fine if you accept you probably aren’t going to have a nice house and fancy holidays - unless you take secret tax free handouts

since you clearly froth over cf landlords - do you not froth at the mouth over tax free handouts from your parents? It’s basically the same thing

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 09:02

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 08:57

Only incredibly entitled people think ‘I’ll become a yoga teacher and expect my parents to fund it’

op was clearly not raised to be beleive their parents would or could fund their lifestyle for the rest of their life.

your take on this is honestly very strange

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How do you know she expected her parents to fund it? She may have entered financial difficulty and her parents offered to step in. What else should they be doing with their money if not helping their kids?

No one is laying into the husband for wanting to become a gardener. I wonder why that is.

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 09:05

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 09:02

How do you know she expected her parents to fund it? She may have entered financial difficulty and her parents offered to step in. What else should they be doing with their money if not helping their kids?

No one is laying into the husband for wanting to become a gardener. I wonder why that is.

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you are the one saying that op could have left the rat race and expected her parents to
fund it.

the husband is not their child. This is about treating two children differently

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 09:05

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 08:43

I don’t really buy that. Plenty of people have easy lives despite not working that hard. Landlords being one example, those with lots of inherited wealth being another. The OP’s sister has made a choice to opt out of the rat race and hasn’t suffered for it. I think that’s what is enraging people.

If her parents want to support her then that’s her business. I think really what’s happening here is that the OP didn’t opt out of the rat race and is now annoyed at herself. I expect if she had her parents would be topping her up as well. It sounds like they can afford it and what better way to share your wealth than to enable your children to avoid soulless corporate jobs that they hate? If I had money that’s what I would spend it on.

Show quote history

This is the worst take I have seen on this thread.

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 09:05

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 09:05

This is the worst take I have seen on this thread.

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Honestly - it’s batshit.

icallshade · 28/12/2025 09:11

Crikey, I couldn't be the bigger person and move past this. People can spend their money on what they want but to actively choose to hand out (what has to amount to thousands) to one child and not the other, when the child in question is spending the money on luxuries (not food and heating for example) is absolutely ludicrous.
I couldn't move past this, probably sounds petty but you can't un-know this information.
I would definitely be showing this thread to my parents if I was in your shoes, they clearly think what they've done isnt absurd so hearing it from strangers might help your case, rather than you coming across as petty or jealous.

Maryaliceyoungx · 28/12/2025 09:11

Wtfdoidoplease · 28/12/2025 09:02

How do you know she expected her parents to fund it? She may have entered financial difficulty and her parents offered to step in. What else should they be doing with their money if not helping their kids?

No one is laying into the husband for wanting to become a gardener. I wonder why that is.

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Also if you rtft you’ll see that the sister did not approach the parents - they found out how much OP earnt and now give her a monthly allowance so that she ‘earns’ the equivalent of op

muggart · 28/12/2025 09:15

turkeyboots · 28/12/2025 08:04

Oh no OP. I have a similar situation and its really damaged the extended family unit. Its hard to get over the favouritism and the lack of appreciation of the effort you've put into your life.
In my situation inlaws have quietly bought cars, a house and holidays for one sil. The other 2 siblings had none of that support and there is no reason (disabilities etc) for it. Ultimately it has meant that we've stepped away from them all. Its hard to be struggling though paying for nursery fees etc while one child of the family is getting massively subsidised.

why would the parents do that? they have ruined the family bond with that decision, what were they thinking?!