To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Your situation is entirely different from the OP. In OP's case they now know that their parents and sister have actively deceived them for over a decade for a substantial amount of money. They have strong feelings as a result. Nothing like your situation where you've known for years about it.

🤣🤣🤣 Dying!

It’s funny actually, we’re thinking along the same lines except I had in mind a pampered chihuahua and a big, obedient and slightly daft Labrador or something! It’s like the nice, kind clueless one who just toils and gets on with it and doesn’t ask for anything but love and then the spoilt little shitty brat who barks and whines and gets rewarded with treats!

Such is life sometimes I guess 🤔

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

how much were you being paid back then vs her?

...It's always the same when there are 2 sisters. The lazy bastard ingrate gets fawned over.

In this case, my sister is the "trophy" daughter

Even if you don’t care about the money I find it weird you aren’t irritated by your sibling being a lazy parasite

I can think of a million ways where OP’s parents could have helped out sister in a way which - while maybe annoying - would have been far less hurtful and deceitful.

E.g. “DSis and family can’t afford a holiday this year so we gave them some cash forwards a week in Greece - hope you don’t mind Rip, I know you and H work hard but we just want the kids to have a nice summer holiday”

or “DSis needs a new car and they’re a bit skint so we helped her out with one as an early 40th present - let us know if there is something major you guys wanted and we’ll see if we can help
you out with it”

There are plenty of ways you could help and be above board about it while acknowledging the income gap between the two children and the fact that Rip works for her income.

Using @RipsMyKnitting ‘s income as the barometer for what DSis should get and writing a cheque to close it every month - without recognising the sacrifice that goes into renting that income - is just gobsmackingly bonkers & entitled of DSis. Has she no shame

No. It's about working hard in a well earning career and missing quality of life and time with your family. OP doesn't say her job is her dream job. It's a job she needs to do to have the lifestyle she has.

Sister didn't want a high pressure career and commute. She chose something which pays considerably less but gives her bountiful free time in comparison to @RipsMyKnitting Because she earns less, for 15+ years the parents have been giving her money so she enjoys the same lifestyle as her sister - who no doubt is lucky to get a spare couple of minutes a week.

How on earth is that fair or conscionable? @RipsMyKnitting could have enjoyed much more time with her kids at no reduction to her income, potentially extended maternity leaves, if she had the same opportunities from her parents as her sister has enjoyed. But no. She has little free time because she works for a living.

And that is what I would be taking to all of them when it is discussed. The sister has enjoyed a VERY luxurious lifestyle of low demands and plenty of cash. @RipsMyKnitting has not.

It’s also highly likely that DS is in a better position with additional entitlements to benefits/concessions as these gifts from the parents wouldn’t count towards income.

Op I'm sorry if just couldn't get over this. It does sound like they are all getting their stories straight and I'd struggle to believe a word out of their mouth now. I honeslty don't know how your parents could do this and think it's in any way acceptable. It's as everyone else has said , made her lifestyle better than yours, not equal too.

This isn't the good family dynamic you thought you had unfortunately. I honestly don't know what I'd expect to make this better but I honestly couldn't just go on and pretend I now didn't know. They'd need to come up with a bloody good way to sort this and frankly I'd probably need sometime away from them all to work through my feelings on the situation. I'd be truly heartbroken at them doing this and not seeing the hurt it would cause when it all came out, as it was always going to cone out in the end.

I have one of these! It’s sh*t!

I don't think there is any way to sort this/ to make this better. Money won't. There is the length of time and the length of deception. How would you make amends for that? An explanation that makes sense might but I struggle to see what sort of explanation for 15 years of deception.
If it were only about the money, why keep it secret?

I can understand how you feel, really i can. However it is absolutely none of your business to have a say, or even know how they choose to spend THEIR, and I'll repeat that for you, it is THEIR money. You and your sister are no longer children whwre i believe there would be a moral obligation to treat you the same.But you aren't you are fully grown women. Their spending might not be fair un your eyes, but it doesn't have to be - it is THEIR choice, not yours!!

Another one wildly missing the point.

Yes of course it’s their choice, but some choices have consequences - especially sneaky, unfair ones and frankly I don’t know if I’d want to speak to any of them ever again. This situation would understandably open up a humongous can of worms in any family. I don’t understand anyone who can’t see that.

You don’t think parents have a moral obligation to treat their children the same? Christ!

I wonder how many of the posters on here claiming it’s “their choice how they spend their money” recognise in themselves the crappy parents who favour one child over the other or the feckless, lazy golden child who simply asks and gets every single time?

They started gifting the supplement when they found out the income discrepancy between their 2 daughters.
They have used the OP as the benchmark for what their other daughter has been given.
Very hard to see that as anything other than competition/favouritism between the two. If they were gifting to charities, that would be different.

Absolutely. DSis has never had to worry about - defaulting on the mortgage or car payments, not being able to afford a holiday 'this year', or treats or presents for birthdays or Christmas or work stresses or being made redundant. And she sure as hell hasn't had to pay tax on her "handout" income.

Who wouldn't like to have 100% of the income for 10% of the work??

This! After 465 replies, we finally got there!

OP should definitely slap her family with your post.

I'd quietly stop going to visit parents and sibling or calling them. Basically I'd withdraw from them. They would no longer have information about where I was going on holiday etc. your parents have effectively forgotten they had 2 DC by favouring 1 so heavily. I'd leave them with their favourite.

I’ve been thinking OP - you need to have some rebuttals ready as they are going to lay the guilt on thick today…

I.e. “we just wanted both our daughters to feel equal or have the same thing, I’m sure you would want that for your kids too when they are adults “

Response - Yes mum and dad I think it’s great that you can help your kids and I agree that I want my kids to be equal that’s why I am so upset… you gave DSis a gift of more time with her kids , did you think of coming to me and letting me know I had to option of taking a less strenuous job, less days so I could get topped up and get the gift of spending time with my family “

You know them best have a think of anything you think they might say to defend themselves and we can help with calm responses

It's extra galling if the sister is one of those ppl who considers herself above those who work career jobs and money because she's so free and spiritual. But it's all fake cos she's got stacks of cash from the bank of mum and dad.

I don't want to stereotype yoga teachers....but I've met a few who were like that 😆

They will probably getting child tax credit and you won’t be.

when does this stop or does it go on forever? What happens when kids go to uni? Are they funding uni for their kids?

I would be thoroughly fucked off.

@RipsMyKnitting I hope your chat today is constructive, I think that's the best you can hope for.

I think it would be unrealistic for your DPs to have a 'penny drop' moment where they realise that subsidising your DSis and her extremely comfortable life is deeply flawed and unfair. Hopefully it will sow the seed and they will eventually see how hurtful this all is.

Do you think it would be useful for the all to see this thread?

It's absolutely awful. Imo you've been horribly betrayed by all of them

This is very true! There are a few (not all!) in my area who preach how you must rid yourself of worldly possessions for the sake of your chakra and live in 8 bedroom houses with a ceo husband

I must be the only person on this thread who doesn’t really see the big deal. Feels natural to me that a parent would help the child that is the lower earner. You help according to need not in pursuit of some dogged fidelity to notions of parity.

I would withhold judgment until you have spoken to them and ignore some of the frankly unhinged replies on this thread which are vitriolic and grabby. I can imagine you are hurt that it was kept under wraps but you don’t know that much about their individual circumstances yet.

I wonder if at the root of this is resentment at her choice to pursue a less demanding career. You decided to become an architect but don’t much enjoy it. That is a lot of training, money and energy you have spent on an unfulfilling life choice. I wonder if what really bothers you is that she has chosen happiness and thanks to your parents hasn’t struggled financially for it,