To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

You were abused. I’m so sorry that happened to you, that’s awful.

Agree.

It's about the length of time + the keeping of a secret for all that time + the amount of money.
Not insignificant in either time or money.

I guess you'd like to think that if the roles were reversed, they'd have done the same for you. It is a hard pill to swallow though for sure; speaking from personal experience. And all the money that goes to her is money that you won't get 50% of in inheritance one day. Seems incredibly unfair. I suppose if you think about it purely from the children's point of you it means your kids and their cousins get to have the same kind of experiences and lifestyle, which otherwise wouldn't be the case.

You have my sympathies OP.

The "behind your back/collusion" element for me is upsetting as it bears that "none of your business" feel which is horrible and exclusionary.

And the fact that, as others have said, you might have liked the option to work less, spend more time at home/with your children and have your salary topped up to support that.....but you were never given that choice nor even knew it was 'available'.

It's good advice to stay calm but if this upsets feelings when addressed do reiterate that's not your fault. None of this is your fault! Good luck 💐

This OP - is 100% correct and the discussion points to go in with.

They haven’t equaled her earnings - it’s more than money …they have given her and her family a better lifestyle and work life balance than yours.

But that sums it up really, you think what you do is terribly important and worthwhile and you are 'worth' every penny you earn. The idea that someone doing a job that you perceive as unworthy should be able to have access to the same money as you through whatever means seem to be something you would be furious about. Do you feel fury towards people who have a higher income than you but don't work at all? What about if your sister was a SAHM with a high earning spouse, would that make you furious? Or is it just people doing jobs you consider 'unworthy'

I would be fuming to be honest, not least because being an architect is hard and stressful job which I'm sure you have made a huge amount of personal sacrifices juggling with family life. I'm also an architect

I can see how the sister might find it easy to get the parents to keep upping the amounts over the years:
“Oh DSIS earns so much now and I can barely afford to live” = topping up her salary.
“Covid means I can’t work as a yoga instructor” = monthly allowance from parents.
“Oh I want to have a baby but as a yoga instructor i will need time off and might not get back all the work I currently have afterwards” = parents make her a maternity allowance which never ends.
”Well we need a bigger home but it’s so expensive to move and we are limited by how much we can borrow due to our salaries” = parents gifting lump sum or acting as guarantors.
”Oh interest rates have gone up and our fix is ending. The mortgage will go up by £200 a month. I am really worried how we will find the money to pay it” = increase to the monthly allowance.
”No we would love a holiday - even just a week in Spain - but we have no spare cash “ = parents funding a short haul holiday and then funding a holiday every year. Soon sis is asking for long haul holidays.
“Oh this cost of living crisis is so depressing. Everything costs so much now inflation is 10%” = 10% increase in the allowance.

If the parents never put a cap on what they give her she keeps finding new wants for them to pay for without her or her husband figuring out how to earn the money for what they want themselves. They rolled everything into one payment (although she now needs even more for her long haul holiday) and I bet it’s a large monthly allowance which is why she didn’t want to tell you.

It could be your parents are fed up of it and don’t know how to stop it so your dad intentionally brought it up in front of you. See what they say and play your cards close to your chest till you have had time to think.

Yes, I missed seeing the help with car purchase.

The other big stand out with Op's family is that her parents have influenced Op's sister's decision making.
Thay have stiffled one child's ambition to earn more money, upskill, to work in a more lucrative job etc.

Op has cut her cloth to fit her income - and made her job choices in consideration her future financial needs. Op is a responsible adult.

Her sister has missed out on that wonderful feeling of being an independent adult.
I think Op needs to discuss the harm that her parents have caused her sister by stiffling her development.

It’s honestly none of my business. They had a conversation with me recently about this as they updated their wills to include the grandchildren. They were considering leaving more to my sibling because my sibling won’t have the NI contributions for a state pension and obviously have a very little workplace pension. I told them it was up to them.

The DPs are happy for OP to work-hard for a living to provide her family a decent lifestyle, even though this means less time with her DC during the working week. Also, having achieved this lifestyle OP has to keep this hard-work up if she wishes to keep it, or at least she thought this was the case until Christmas Day.

Then bang! Her sister has her lifestyle, but better! Not paid for by her yogaring 😂 or gardening 🧑‍🌾 but from her DPs bank account. DSis got the opt-out of hard-work 15 f.ing years ago! Her secret - mama and papa. Did she share the secret? - 🤐 did she heck!

Yanbu at all. I’d be furious and hurt. Arseholes.

It's not an invalid point but given that the DP's are in their mid 60's any inheritance (and there may be none) will be decades down the line, OP might like to be helped now rather than possibly getting more money in 40 years time.

It will be interesting to see the outcome of Op's family meeting.

Will your parents support your sister’s children in the future when they are at their most expensive so to give them the same options that your kids are likely to have? I am thinking of travel, study, enrichment opportunities etc. What would you and your husband feel about this given you could afford to pay for your kids but your sister less able to do likewise?

I think this sums it up perfectly.

They all knew.

For 15 years.

And they all kept the secret.

That hurts.

I do think I’m worth every penny I earn. Operative word being earn.

If someone is a SAHM to a high earning spouse or born into inter generational wealth that is not remotely analogous. @RipsMyKnitting ‘s parents are using her income as the benchmark for what her sister should get, without taking into account the sacrifices that @RipsMyKnitting has made to achieve that lifestyle. Her sister gets all the benefits and none of the downside.

If the parents are so keen on giving their daughters equivalent lifestyles, they should be offering OP options for more balance in her life (a nanny? a work from home space? Money to drop to 4 days a week?) so she can achieve the work/life balance her sister has - if she wants it.

And if they didn’t attach so much morality and emotional worth to money they wouldn’t think it was vital for OP’s sister to have the same amount of money as OP, would they?

I think it depends on how much you and your husband earn. You say that you are both in corporate jobs so you are probably very high earners.
If you are both earning over £150k then it would seem unreasonable to expect your parents to pay for holidays and other things for you. I understand that it's frustrating that they are giving your brother money on the QT and he has obviously kept it from you. That part would certainly piss me off!

You for some reason are trying to make this thread about something that it really isn’t about…

No one, except you - is saying that yoga instructors are “unworthy”.

Im not sure if you’re being deliberately obtuse or you really don’t get what this thread is about.

It isn’t about their chosen careers - it’s about the fact that one dc has chosen to do something that doesn’t take a particular amount of training or slog and isn’t particularly rewarding money-wise and the other has done the opposite - and the latter is being penalised for it and also kept in the dark about this.

One faction of the family has kept a huge secret from the OP - who thought that they were all completely honest with one another and that the dsis’s equal fortune was of her own making- only to discover she has been receiving huge handouts from the parents in secret. No wonder the OP is blindsided, it’s appalling and I imagine she is feeling extremely hurt and confused right now.

The dsis has essentially been rewarded for not working as hard as the OP so that she doesn’t get hurty feelings. But what about the OP’s feelings?

How did the conversation about the dsis getting money from the dp’s in order to afford the same lifestyle as the OP’s even come about? I’m guessing there was more than a little hinting and declarations of poverty on the dsis’s part - I doubt this will have been something the dp’s just offered without any “poor us/it’s not fair” type conversation.

I think the OP sounds very nice and is probably giving her dsis far too much lenience here. I reckon the parents have been heavily emotionally manipulated - more fool them.

Of course it’s up to them. But, how would you feel if you weren’t treated equally?

And btw, I understand your answer will depends on why your sibling isn’t working. Disabled is completely different to can’t be arsed!

Badly I suspect!

The sad thing here is that there’s a possibility that they may say ‘OP has the ability to earn that level of money, whilst her DSis hasn’t, and that they couldn’t afford to top-up both’.

So on it goes OP working and DSis chillaxing, but equally wealthy!

Your crunchy mum sister has a stress-free "job" that another woman would do as a side-hustle. You have an intensive job with years of training, longer hours (?) a long commute.

Your parents diminish your work ethic and professional status by actively raising her household disposable income to match yours, even though you work harder and smarter than her. She doesn't need to toil and do wrap around childcare, because she's worth more than you in their eyes. It's like you're the donkey and she's the racehorse, who is far too delicate and valuable to pull a cart.

It's not even money for food, childrens' education or acquitistion of cultural capital or unexpected household repairs: it's for fancy holidays, so she can show off her abdominal rectus muscles.

I think tomorrow is too early for a discussion, as this isn't just about the money and I think you could do with a little bit more time to process this favouritsm and deceit.

Sibling has no disabilities/mental health issues etc. Nothing that would prevent them from working. They just don’t want to.

I suppose I just don’t care about the money. I don’t feel that my parents treat us differently because I don’t put any weight to the money. I have a great relationship with my parents. I wouldn’t want my sibling to be homeless or destitute or even working in a job that they don’t like.

I grew up in a household with money, and I work in a job that I love, where I am paid well (not ridiculously well but definitely not struggling). Money has never really been sparse or highly sought after. I’d be bothered if I felt that they loved my sibling more, or put more effort into their relationship etc.