To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

This!

You have kind of made my point for me by raising a number of roles that you recognise have a value that isn't reflected in pay, that's all that I was saying. The relationship between pay and value of role/level of work is fairly arbitrary in our society and it doesn't seem particularly controversial to point that out. But someone has already tried to point out how valuable tv presenters and footballers are in comparison to boring old doctors and traindrivers so maybe it is controversial.

Is there any chance you'll receive more from their will? A friend of mine had her family court proceedings funded by her parents. It caused some animosity between siblings but the parents said it was her share of inheritance.

She came here seeking our POV. None of us can think of a good reason for it and none of us are advising her to burn bridges. Most advice has been to help her get answers and stay calm.

You have enough, and your DSIL has enough.
Hopefully this will not destroy your relationship.

Your parents are possibly making sure that all their grandchildren have a fair start in life.

Your DP possibly also have an approximate tally and are planning on making things fair later.

The part I have issue with is that it was secret.
It is really good that it is now exposed.

Why have you always shared your income information with your DP?
Does the revelation make you want to spend less on holidays - so as to spare your DP a large cost?

The actual assistance might be help with the mortgage, so that your DSIL is not homeless, and the odd assistance with a holiday. Maybe it is not as much as you think.

This I actually agree with you on. Some of the most valuable and necessary jobs are the least lucrative. But even if the OP’s sister had chosen to be a nurse, why does that mean her parents are justified in topping up her salary? What happened to letting your adult children make their own life choices and reap the rewards (or not) of them?

Well that's not how I would characterise many of the responses!

That is so insane @RipsMyKnitting and the fact it’s been kept under wraps for so long means that your family know it’s not right. That’s so unfair.

I’ve had a similar experience with my family and to be honest it’s irreparably impacted my relationship with them. My family are middle class but not particularly well off. I’m the middle of three and professionally the most successful (corporate lawyer). I have a nice life, overseas holidays, a comfortable house (not flash but nice). I have 2 DC and was married to another lawyer until a few years ago.

My older sister is also a university graduate but messed around a bit professionally, married a guy with a decent job, they have 3 DC. Younger brother has severe MH issues. Older sister has frequently needed rescuing by my parents, mum goes on about how poor she is constantly (sister works full time flexibly as does her husband - they are not poor) sister has never paid for childcare as mum helps her - I have always paid nannies/had the kids in creche, after school care etc I’ve paid for my family to go on holiday, I host Christmas every year as my house is the best set up for kids etc etc. I’ve never begrudged doing this as I felt I had a good job and I like being hospitable and our kids having fun together on holiday etc.

A couple of years ago I left my husband who was abusive and controlling. It was a really hard time and the settlement negotiation was protracted and I became worried I was going to end up with a bad outcome because I couldn’t afford to keep paying the divorce lawyer. I asked my mum whether, if neccesary, I could borrow money from her (to be repaid immediately when I remortgaged the house to buy out exH). It would have been approximately a 6 week loan. My mum said she was so sorry, she had no money and couldn’t afford to. I didn’t think much of it and luckily I was able to pay the legal fees and it wasn’t necessary.

I went to the bank with her about a year later to help her with something and it turned out she had $100,000 sitting in a savings account. I was so shocked and hurt. It wasn’t about the money by that point - it was about my family’s constant attitude of “you’ll be fine/you can look after yourself” at a point in my life when I really wasn’t fine and a gesture of practical support would have meant so much (practically and emotionally).

Anyway long winded post but you’re not unreasonable at all and I hope your parents can see how hurtful it is.

Well why doesn't it justify it?

What happened to letting your adult children make their own life choices and reap the rewards (or not) of them?

That may be a philosophy you have but it appears the OP's parents do not share that view. I am simply pointing out that your view is no 'better' than theirs it is simply a different way of looking at things. Your position is not somehow superior to the one they appear to hold, it is simply different.

If you read the OP's comments you will see it is much much more than that. A monthly payment that has been going for 15 years and has paid for their car etc.

Endoftheroad, I agree.

The secrecy is difficult.
In your case though, the 100 thousand could have been locked away at the time. Or it could have been from supperannuation insurance that had just matured due to your mother's age.

I'm glad you are financially okay again.

Sure, but whether you think it’s right or wrong or superior or not, it was bound to cause bad feeling when it was found out. As this thread demonstrates a lot of people would feel very aggrieved by it. As it happens I do think it’s a superior stance to let adult children make their own way in life (yes, I’m aware that’s only my opinion and not a fact) but if you must give them handouts it really needs to be equal. Whatever the intention, it looks like favouritism.

I'd go to the conversation saying now you realise the extent of the topping up, you and your DH want to drop back to one or at most 2 days per week so you can enjoy the same lifestyle as your sister. You have had years of working all hours and missing family time and did not realise this quantum of support was an option. You'd really like to avail yourself of that option now and possibly some additional catch up to go towards your mortgage.

See how that goes down.

It wasn’t. It was in a savings account (not even a term deposit) and had been sitting there since my Gran died in 2001.

I told my sister how shocked and hurt I was “oh you know how stingy mum is”

Fair enough, I am sure we can agree to disagree!

FWIW I do think some of the levels of fury and anger on this thread have been absolutely unhinged though, and I find it very sad that people will ascribe so much morality and emotional worth to money.

YADNBU!

I can’t fathom the entitlement to think you’re owed the same monthly take home as your sister. We’d all like wafty jobs that include our passions but most of us also realise that to operate in the real world as adults we need to make choices. I’m appalled on your behalf.

Oh we agree. That's why we all think the OP's parents and sis are on the nose. If they didn't attach so much morality and emotional worth to money, they would have been open with OP about this all along.

It’s not about the money.

Hmm I can relate in that my parents financially support my sibling (who has chosen not to work for over a decade) however, I can’t relate to feeling aggrieved by it. It’s not my money and if it wasn’t going to my sibling, it wouldn’t be coming to me anyway. I’d wouldn’t dream of challenging my parents on how they spend their money and I wouldn’t want them sending me an allowance either.

When you treat your children differently you are setting them up to be enemies. There was little money in my family when we were kids but my pretty sister was always the golden princess. She was always treated better and never struck. I had a lot of violent beatings. When I went to school it was second hand uniforms from the rag market, unless my grandmother chipped in. Which she several times did. As soon as I began work every pound I handed over for my keep went onto my sisters back to provide her with nice new uniforms. When I objected I was made to feel the bad guy. Surely you would want you sister to look neat and smart?

This preference when we were children drove a wedge between my sister and I. As my parents grew older and more needy I had distanced myself and moved to another city. From being the golden princess my sister became the golden carer. To this day there is still a coldness between us and we seldom meet.

It is very very clearly about the money for many many posters on this thread. For some it may be about family secrets/omissions but for many posters it is clearly about the money and moral judgement more than anything else.

You say this now but if they leave their house (and any other assets) to your sibling and not you, would you feel the same?

Or hurt?

I also think the fact that DSis is a part time yoga instructor - the textbook definition of a play job - rubs salt into the wound.

I really love my job, it’s interesting & well paid so I don’t begrudge doing it at all - but (without suggesting it is equivalent to being down the mines) it is high stress and it never stops. I am on call 24/7, I was sending emails
on Christmas day. I’ve missed important school things because I’ve had board meetings that I cannot miss, I’ve had calls late into the night and it’s a fucking juggle. However through it I can give me and my kids a good life - we can afford a comfortable middle class existence - that is a privilege for a solo mum to be able to do.

If I found out my parents were topping up my sister salary from basket weaving and sound baths to the same income as I earn, I would hit the fucking roof

I'm in a similar position - it's not actually the money that matters, it's that i feel I matter lleast.

I've taken an emotional if not physical steps back and that has helped