Page 16 | To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

RipsMyKnitting · 2025-12-27T16:43:50+00:00

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all. My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could. DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance. But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to. How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous. It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point. Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 00:08

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:06

Again with the weird references to pride! WTF has pride got to do with anything. If you won the lottery tomorrow would you give it all away because you didn't earn it? Do you always cut off your nose to spite your face? Money earned is no different to money given in the end. I am sure half the outraged posters on here are up to their eyeballs in tax credits yet seem outraged by some other person somewhere having some money from their parents, all very odd.

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for your information, I’m a high rate taxpayer. I have monthly standing orders to several charities and have requested that my parents leave their estate to charity instead of to me because I believe handouts and inheritance perpetuate class divides and inequality so yes, some of us do live by our belief systems.

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:09

Ivegotchills · 28/12/2025 00:06

One can assume your work ethic and daily life is more like DSis (with cup in-hand) than OPs hard graft!

So you wouldn’t understand - or refuse to!

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😂oh there is nothing wrong with my work ethic, I am just not stupid enough to labour under the impression that doing a 9-5 is some arbiter of moral superiority! I also love the idea that being an architect is suddenly equivalent to working down the mines for the purposes of this thread (for clarity the OP hasn't suggested this, it is more the way other posters are raging on about hard graft!)

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:10

Stompingupthemountain · 28/12/2025 00:08

for your information, I’m a high rate taxpayer. I have monthly standing orders to several charities and have requested that my parents leave their estate to charity instead of to me because I believe handouts and inheritance perpetuate class divides and inequality so yes, some of us do live by our belief systems.

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Excellent, have a sticker!

MeTooOverHere · 28/12/2025 00:10

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:09

😂oh there is nothing wrong with my work ethic, I am just not stupid enough to labour under the impression that doing a 9-5 is some arbiter of moral superiority! I also love the idea that being an architect is suddenly equivalent to working down the mines for the purposes of this thread (for clarity the OP hasn't suggested this, it is more the way other posters are raging on about hard graft!)

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So why has it been kept a secret from the OP for all these years? If it's all well and good, why did they hide it?

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 00:11

MeTooOverHere · 28/12/2025 00:10

So why has it been kept a secret from the OP for all these years? If it's all well and good, why did they hide it?

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My advice is not to engage with @lemonts . They are clearly agitating for the sake of it.

Happilyobtuse · 28/12/2025 00:13

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/12/2025 23:43

Yours is a completely different scenario where everyone has been honest and transparent though. Also sounds like you work but just don’t earn near your sister. Which isn’t the case here OP’s sister has become a yoga teacher who I am sure has much better home life stress balance than a city architect yet the sister is getting pocket money.

In OP’s case it has been hidden for 15 plus years while she has been commuting and working hard while her sister is - by the sounds of it - a part time yoga teacher.

We would all love to have dream jobs and have someone else pay for the rest of our lifestyle but it’s not fair that Op and her husband have put in the grind while her sister has pocket money for doing a fun carefree job..

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Yes, like I mentioned I work full time and earn 50K in public sector job, sis works in asia as an equity partner in a law firm and earns 400K+. So we both work full time, but as she earns more and lives in Asia she gets more help from parents with childcare and also she can afford full time chauffeur, nanny, housekeeper etc. I literally do everything, I do have a weekly cleaner though. So parents
and sis are sympathetic and always want me to get a break, have holidays etc.

Ivegotchills · 28/12/2025 00:13

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:09

😂oh there is nothing wrong with my work ethic, I am just not stupid enough to labour under the impression that doing a 9-5 is some arbiter of moral superiority! I also love the idea that being an architect is suddenly equivalent to working down the mines for the purposes of this thread (for clarity the OP hasn't suggested this, it is more the way other posters are raging on about hard graft!)

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You claim benefits then!

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 00:13

When you talk about it op, talk about it in terms of love: you say I’ve worked so hard to provide for my children and they’ve seen less of me, they go to wrap around care and holiday programs, and my niece and nephew don’t, they get their parents time, unstressed. It feels like this is because you love my sister and her children more, that my children only have us, and they are second class grandchildren, that we only get what we work our butts off for, that we stress our way through redundancy, but you protect my sister and her family from all of that pressure and stress, how could we see that other than you love them more?

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 00:14

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:09

😂oh there is nothing wrong with my work ethic, I am just not stupid enough to labour under the impression that doing a 9-5 is some arbiter of moral superiority! I also love the idea that being an architect is suddenly equivalent to working down the mines for the purposes of this thread (for clarity the OP hasn't suggested this, it is more the way other posters are raging on about hard graft!)

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not an architect, a landscape architect. At least we all need buildings and houses- nobody on this planet actually needs a landscape architect designed garden.

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:15

Ivegotchills · 28/12/2025 00:13

You claim benefits then!

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??? where on earth did you get that from? Never claimed a benefit in my life, but do feel free to keep making things up about the person you seem to think I am.

Dollybantree · 28/12/2025 00:17

She explained it started in the beginning when I changed jobs and happened to tell DP/DSis how much I was being paid and they topped DSis up to my salary but hasn't been specifically like that for years. Just that the handout has got bigger as their lives have changed

😳 Bloody hell!

Whose idea was this I wonder? Sounds like your dsis is possibly more than a little manipulative, entitled and grabby.

Even if my dp’s offered I would never accept!

Ivegotchills · 28/12/2025 00:18

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:15

??? where on earth did you get that from? Never claimed a benefit in my life, but do feel free to keep making things up about the person you seem to think I am.

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You certainly get some sort of hand-out for doing f.all if you think DSis is in the right here.

I’m sticking with the tax-payer funds you.

UnemployedNotRetired · 28/12/2025 00:18

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 00:13

When you talk about it op, talk about it in terms of love: you say I’ve worked so hard to provide for my children and they’ve seen less of me, they go to wrap around care and holiday programs, and my niece and nephew don’t, they get their parents time, unstressed. It feels like this is because you love my sister and her children more, that my children only have us, and they are second class grandchildren, that we only get what we work our butts off for, that we stress our way through redundancy, but you protect my sister and her family from all of that pressure and stress, how could we see that other than you love them more?

It all seems accurate. But it also all seems unanswerable, given that nothing can give back all those times.

But then I also think it's time to significantly reduce the time you spend with the sister and parents ...

MeTooOverHere · 28/12/2025 00:19

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:09

😂oh there is nothing wrong with my work ethic, I am just not stupid enough to labour under the impression that doing a 9-5 is some arbiter of moral superiority! I also love the idea that being an architect is suddenly equivalent to working down the mines for the purposes of this thread (for clarity the OP hasn't suggested this, it is more the way other posters are raging on about hard graft!)

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To clarify - OP is an architect based in a major city ~ 1hr commute away, hybrid working now so typically 50/50 office and home
DH is in engineering working for a construction firm he's mostly office/site based.

OP's BIL is the landscape architect.

Radiosn · 28/12/2025 00:19

Absolutely no way I would be anything other than appalled by this.
It would completely change my view of my parents.
They have rewarded her life choices and penalised you for yours.
Absolutely not.

MeTooOverHere · 28/12/2025 00:20

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 00:14

not an architect, a landscape architect. At least we all need buildings and houses- nobody on this planet actually needs a landscape architect designed garden.

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OP is an architect based in a major city ~ 1hr commute away, hybrid working now so typically 50/50 office and home
DH is in engineering working for a construction firm he's mostly office/site based.

OP's BIL is the landscape architect.

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:20

MeTooOverHere · 28/12/2025 00:10

So why has it been kept a secret from the OP for all these years? If it's all well and good, why did they hide it?

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Like everyone else on this thread, save the OP, it's not my family so I have no idea why they haven't discussed it. Unlike many other posters however I am not going to go off on one spouting bile about the OPs parents and sister and trying ti drive the OP into having conflict with her family which may have long term consequences.

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 00:21

lemonts · 27/12/2025 18:05

I suppose the other question is why do you think you deserve to have a nicer life than your sister and BIL just because you chose corporate jobs. It sounds like your sister and BIL both work full time but you perceive your job as more important or valuable just because it pays more. All that's happening is your parents are evening up the socially constructed imbalance that means that you and your husband are paid substantially more for your work than your BIL and sister are paid for their work. You have described your jobs as corporate so unlikely to be particularly socially valuable or altruistic. It sounds like you are actually a bit bitter about the fact that you know you have a job you are just in for the money and your sister isn't in that position.

What fucking socially constructed imbalance? You might have a point if the sister were a nurse or a teacher or a social worker, but she’s a yoga instructor. And he’s a landscape designer. Neither are essential or even important to the functioning of society. If you don’t like corporates don’t buy cars and don’t use arterial roads or fly planes or live in houses or shop at grocery stores or buy clothes, grow and weave your own. I work for a corporate and we support people’s daily existence in all the fundamental ways people need.

op, another thought for your discussion- say from now on your holidays and life plans are secret now you know they are only interested in terms of how much they should top up your sisters comfortable dream job life so she too can benefit from your hard work. You just won’t mention any of it anymore.

WeWillWeWillRockYou · 28/12/2025 00:21

Radiosn · 28/12/2025 00:19

Absolutely no way I would be anything other than appalled by this.
It would completely change my view of my parents.
They have rewarded her life choices and penalised you for yours.
Absolutely not.

It would also completely change my view of my sister, who had been happily accepting all this money for 15 years or so and never mentioned it...

Dollybantree · 28/12/2025 00:22

I suppose the other question is why do you think you deserve to have a nicer life than your sister and BIL just because you chose corporate jobs. It sounds like your sister and BIL both work full time but you perceive your job as more important or valuable just because it pays more. All that's happening is your parents are evening up the socially constructed imbalance that means that you and your husband are paid substantially more for your work than your BIL and sister are paid for their work. You have described your jobs as corporate so unlikely to be particularly socially valuable or altruistic. It sounds like you are actually a bit bitter about the fact that you know you have a job you are just in for the money and your sister isn't in that position.

What a load of absolute guff.

Projecting much??

Gymnopedie · 28/12/2025 00:22

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/12/2025 00:14

not an architect, a landscape architect. At least we all need buildings and houses- nobody on this planet actually needs a landscape architect designed garden.

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I think you've just made a tit of yourself 😁

Radiator981 · 28/12/2025 00:23

Take some time and space to process this OP. Then decide on how to handle it, I do feel sad for you though.

lemonts · 28/12/2025 00:24

Ivegotchills · 28/12/2025 00:18

You certainly get some sort of hand-out for doing f.all if you think DSis is in the right here.

I’m sticking with the tax-payer funds you.

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😂great argument!

MonsoonRainbow · 28/12/2025 00:25

Radiosn · 28/12/2025 00:19

Absolutely no way I would be anything other than appalled by this.
It would completely change my view of my parents.
They have rewarded her life choices and penalised you for yours.
Absolutely not.

Completely agree with this

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 28/12/2025 00:26

@RipsMyKnitting I'd be livid. It's the only rationale here. It's not that they've matched your sister to you in secret, they've bettered her over you.

I can't imagine working my arse off, spending less time with my children, struggling through redundancy, grafting my way out of it, to earn the best I could for me and my family.... Only to find out my parents had bankrolled my sister every month for fifteen years to the same financial level, while she got to tit about being a part time yoga teacher, and was enabled to be a more present mother because of it. Then called that "fairness."

Oh. Fuck. No.

Livid.